Aa
boyfriend left me due to his porn addiction
what is your opinion on the effects of pornography addiction and the partner?
do you subscribe to the COSA 12 step "co-addiction" model, or trauma/PTSD
due to the betrayal/lies?
i am seeking PSTD treatment after having gone the 12 step route. i don't buy into the co-addiction model after have spent over a year in COSA and doing some RCA work with my partner. now, especially, since his addiction is so severe, he left me suddenly after disclosing that he will never be free of porn, and is tired of hiding and lying to me. i have a chronic illness which gave me a bad scare in my health, it was very traumatic for the both of us. he couldn't handle it and succumbed to his addiction.
i just want to recover from the shock and abandonment after having worked so hard and supporting him for a year and a half, with is addiction.
i see a lot of comments about women(mostly) who leave their partners after betrayal, but i see little about porn addicts who abandon their partners to act out in his/her addictions.
all comments welcomed, and i hope to post a new thread when i figure out how to.
thank you
Tara
do you subscribe to the COSA 12 step "co-addiction" model, or trauma/PTSD
due to the betrayal/lies?
i am seeking PSTD treatment after having gone the 12 step route. i don't buy into the co-addiction model after have spent over a year in COSA and doing some RCA work with my partner. now, especially, since his addiction is so severe, he left me suddenly after disclosing that he will never be free of porn, and is tired of hiding and lying to me. i have a chronic illness which gave me a bad scare in my health, it was very traumatic for the both of us. he couldn't handle it and succumbed to his addiction.
i just want to recover from the shock and abandonment after having worked so hard and supporting him for a year and a half, with is addiction.
i see a lot of comments about women(mostly) who leave their partners after betrayal, but i see little about porn addicts who abandon their partners to act out in his/her addictions.
all comments welcomed, and i hope to post a new thread when i figure out how to.
thank you
Tara
MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL
Hello.
You asked for my "opinion." I could tell you that, in my opinion, purple is the prettiest color, but what good would that do? Green might be your favorite color, and both of us would be "right." We each have "opinions" that are based on personal feelings, not facts. Here on this page, I only deal in sexological data, not opinions.
It's not clear to me whether you're asking a question or whether you're making a comment about your experience. I'm sorry it was so painful for you, and I can't really comment, since I don't know all the details and have no opportunity to hear from your partner.
Here's some general information for you: First of all, when it comes to sex, there's no such thing as "normal." Everyone is different, and everyone has different needs. It sounds as though your relationship has been under lots of stress due to your ill health, and your boyfriend may have been finding some relief from the tension by looking at erotica. Here’s some perspective:
You may have some unrealistic expectations about relationships. Between women’s romantic ideals and men’s sexual scripts, there are bound to be conflicts. Most men don't seek erotica online because anything is wrong in the relationship, but because men are usually much more visually stimulated than women, and erotica turns them on in ways that are different (but not “better than”) partner sex. Some women think that if a man likes erotica, it means he’s not turned on to them. However, sex research has shown that this is not necessarily the case.
Some women feel if their partner self-pleasures, he’s “unfaithful” or doesn’t want them. Many women think that once they’re in a relationship the partner will only want to have sex with them, eschewing self-pleasuring. Nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, people self-pleasure from birth to death, whether partnered or not. It’s just a part of the sexual personality. Most of us like variety. When your partner is self-pleasuring, he’s not necessarily doing it because of anything you lack, but because it’s a different experience for him than sex with you. Not better; just different, like pizza and steak. If this is a problem for you, you need to discuss it with future partners. If you’re never going to be comfortable with a partner who self-pleasures, then you’re going to spend a lot of your life feeling hurt because it’s highly unlikely you’ll find a partner who is willing to ignore that important part of his sexuality.
Some couples feel that if they don’t do everything together, there’s something amiss; however, most of us need variety and need alone time in order to develop our own perspectives, etc. Here’s an example:
I have a friend who calls herself a “golf widow.” She’s been married for over 10 years, in a very happy and loving relationship. In fact, she and her husband adore each other. AND whenever he has enough free time, he’s at the golf course, playing golf and hanging out with his friends. Why? Not because he doesn’t love her and want to be with her, but because golf fulfills something for him, and he needs to be his own person from time to time—away and apart from her. There’s nothing wrong with the marriage; he just needs alone time, as does she.
This is quite different than the man who spends all of his time at the golf course in order to AVOID going home because he’s unhappy in his marriage.
Your boyfriend may have been unhappy in the relationship for a variety of reasons. Anyway, it's fruitless to speculate on that, since I don't have his perspective.
Please don’t fall into the trap of labeling someone’s behavior an “addiction.” Some substances can be addictive (e.g., heroin), while some peoples’ behaviors can be compulsive (e.g., constantly washing hands because of germ phobia), other behaviors are merely habits or dependencies. There is no way of telling whether this is the case with your boyfriend because he can’t be here to discuss his feelings in his own words.
Here's some further information by a sexologist which may be helpful to you in further understanding this issue: http://www.sexed.org/archive/article08.html
Which brings me to my last point. You need to get some perspective and insight about your own feelings of self-worth, as well as help with your grieving process. If you don't currently have a therapist, I think you would benefit from seeing someone who is trained to help people with sexual questions and concerns. Best of luck to you. Dr. J
You asked for my "opinion." I could tell you that, in my opinion, purple is the prettiest color, but what good would that do? Green might be your favorite color, and both of us would be "right." We each have "opinions" that are based on personal feelings, not facts. Here on this page, I only deal in sexological data, not opinions.
It's not clear to me whether you're asking a question or whether you're making a comment about your experience. I'm sorry it was so painful for you, and I can't really comment, since I don't know all the details and have no opportunity to hear from your partner.
Here's some general information for you: First of all, when it comes to sex, there's no such thing as "normal." Everyone is different, and everyone has different needs. It sounds as though your relationship has been under lots of stress due to your ill health, and your boyfriend may have been finding some relief from the tension by looking at erotica. Here’s some perspective:
You may have some unrealistic expectations about relationships. Between women’s romantic ideals and men’s sexual scripts, there are bound to be conflicts. Most men don't seek erotica online because anything is wrong in the relationship, but because men are usually much more visually stimulated than women, and erotica turns them on in ways that are different (but not “better than”) partner sex. Some women think that if a man likes erotica, it means he’s not turned on to them. However, sex research has shown that this is not necessarily the case.
Some women feel if their partner self-pleasures, he’s “unfaithful” or doesn’t want them. Many women think that once they’re in a relationship the partner will only want to have sex with them, eschewing self-pleasuring. Nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, people self-pleasure from birth to death, whether partnered or not. It’s just a part of the sexual personality. Most of us like variety. When your partner is self-pleasuring, he’s not necessarily doing it because of anything you lack, but because it’s a different experience for him than sex with you. Not better; just different, like pizza and steak. If this is a problem for you, you need to discuss it with future partners. If you’re never going to be comfortable with a partner who self-pleasures, then you’re going to spend a lot of your life feeling hurt because it’s highly unlikely you’ll find a partner who is willing to ignore that important part of his sexuality.
Some couples feel that if they don’t do everything together, there’s something amiss; however, most of us need variety and need alone time in order to develop our own perspectives, etc. Here’s an example:
I have a friend who calls herself a “golf widow.” She’s been married for over 10 years, in a very happy and loving relationship. In fact, she and her husband adore each other. AND whenever he has enough free time, he’s at the golf course, playing golf and hanging out with his friends. Why? Not because he doesn’t love her and want to be with her, but because golf fulfills something for him, and he needs to be his own person from time to time—away and apart from her. There’s nothing wrong with the marriage; he just needs alone time, as does she.
This is quite different than the man who spends all of his time at the golf course in order to AVOID going home because he’s unhappy in his marriage.
Your boyfriend may have been unhappy in the relationship for a variety of reasons. Anyway, it's fruitless to speculate on that, since I don't have his perspective.
Please don’t fall into the trap of labeling someone’s behavior an “addiction.” Some substances can be addictive (e.g., heroin), while some peoples’ behaviors can be compulsive (e.g., constantly washing hands because of germ phobia), other behaviors are merely habits or dependencies. There is no way of telling whether this is the case with your boyfriend because he can’t be here to discuss his feelings in his own words.
Here's some further information by a sexologist which may be helpful to you in further understanding this issue: http://www.sexed.org/archive/article08.html
Which brings me to my last point. You need to get some perspective and insight about your own feelings of self-worth, as well as help with your grieving process. If you don't currently have a therapist, I think you would benefit from seeing someone who is trained to help people with sexual questions and concerns. Best of luck to you. Dr. J
It's definitely trauma when we feel betrayed over and over again. Don't let them tell you otherwise. Living in fear for when it's going to happen again. It's a horrible empty feeling.
Wow...glad to hear I'm not alone...was curious where to read the answer to this....
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