Sex arguments

[Ebonydstressesd]

Hi... My Husband and I always argue about sex... we have sex like three or four times a week (every two days)but he still complains that it's not enough. Recently i discovered that the more he asks the less i want. When we do have sex and I'm interested it's great. I love having sex with my husband but when he starts arguing i just deflate and lose interest..  He says stuff like 'are you cheating?' 'Don't you want me anymore?' 'Can't you just lie there and let me?' It's almost as if when he has nothing to do his only option is sex! I have one 8yr old and I'm a stay at home mom. We argue about other things but this we argue about the most...  I tried telling him that if I don't want to it isn't fair to force me and all he does is say to me that I have to consider his needs too... Can you tell me what i should do about this? I'm so tired of arguing and i can see our marriage going downhill with this dilemma. I'm 29 and my Husband is 36.

[Janice M Epp, PhD]

Hi there.

Well it's not surprising that you're beginning to want less sex with him. Pressuring someone for sex is guaranteed to make them dislike it. Imagine if you were to continually force your child to eat cake. Now what kid doesn't like cake? However, if you force it on them, how long do you think it would take before they'd HATE cake and avoid it?

You husband may have an issue that's not sexual, but he's using sex to try to solve--or soothe--it. He’s putting way too much pressure on sex to be the solution to whatever is bothering him. Sometimes men only allow themselves to feel intimate when being sexual—and thus they look to sex to provide them with everything they need to solve all their problems: stress, intimacy, security, etc.

And, as you note, it seems as though he doesn't care about your feelings in this matter, which is not a good sign.

All of this is speculation, however, and there’s really only ONE way to find out what's going on: TALK with him.

Your next step now is to approach him with the idea of sitting down to talk. It’s important that you don’t adopt an accusatory or angry manner, but instead are loving and accepting. Let him know that whatever he feels, you’ll be supportive—and hope he’ll be the same for you. Begin by reminding him how much you love him and how much you love sex with him. Point out to him that the two of you need to work this out together. Stay positive, and don't accuse him, or he'll become defensive. If talking together doesn't resolve this, it's time to seek help. A therapist trained to help couples who have sexual issues can help the two of you to express your feelings. Good luck to you. Dr. J

[Ebonydstressesd]

Hello again Dr J. Recently i had that conversation with my husband again, the result was the same... He still thinks that i must comply with his demand for sex! but occaisionally he will accept that I am not interested..  Now a new problem has developed. I have accepted a job and am now employed, I have not yet made a connection to my problem and my job but lately He is demanding to read my text messages!  We have had in the past week perhaps 5 fights about that issue... I told him that my cell is my personal business and that i do not demand nor have i ever read or searched his phone for any reason.  I also told him that i trust him so there is no need for me to spy on him.. I do'nt understand why he insists on reading my messages and insists on reading or watching my emails. I'm not sure if he should be allowed to or not.... I had a text buddy i met last year who lost his cell phone, at the time my husband did'nt like the guy texting me so when he suddenly stopped i was relieved! we chatted about many things (his girlfriend, Jokes, School, and  sometimes sex). I have never cheated on my husband. He (Text buddy) found my number a couple days ago and started texting again and my husband demanded to read those texts, he said he wont get mad he just wants to be involved a bit so i let him. And he saw an explicit text from my buddy that i did not yet read and has since been creating fights... I dont know what to do anymore, is talking to a guy on my cell or the net considered cheating?  All i want is to have a couple friends who i can discuss things with and have a little laugh sometimes....

[Janice M Epp, PhD]

Hi Ebony.

The details you're providing raise a huge red flag for me. There is lots more going on than just being forced into sex when you don't want it. Your husband sounds manipulative, paranoid and controlling. If the positive approach doesn't work with him, suggest to him that seeing a counselor would be a good next step. If he refuses, then you need to consider whether staying in this relationship is a good idea for you. Please let me know how things are going. Dr. J

[Ebonydstressesd]

Thank you Dr. J for your time, I tried talking to him before but he doesn't change... However, I may have as you put it 'spoken to him in an angry or accusatory manner'. And he does seem to have some insecurity issues, going trough my cell phone and sneaking up on me! Comes home from work early and stands outside for a while listening at the door! (yes i caught him doing that).  He doesn't like me to go anywhere (out) and he seems angry when I have guy friends talk with me.  We do have a lot to talk about as you suggested and I will try your approach to the conversation....  I appreciate your input.