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1565702 tn?1295292830

Young Lawyer can't quit

The stress from my job is killing me, but I can't quit smoking no matter how hard I try....  

I've been smoking since I was twelve, smoking regularly throughout high school, smoking even more college and law school; and kept on smoking during my two years working as a law clerk for the county courthouse, almost two packs a day for the past ten years --- and I just dont know how to quit. My new job as a entry level associate has me so stressed out Im smoking more than ever, but its getting me into trouble at work because Im always needing to take smoke breaks at the office, usually two or three in the morning, another for lunch, and at least another two or three more smoke breaks every the afternoon.

My new boss even recently complained that I always smell overpoweringly like stale cigarettes!!  Even though I wear alot of perfume and chew alot of Nicorette Mint gum, its still not enough!  Im afraid Chantix would make my anxiety attacks even worse and terrified of the thought of not being able to smoke again. I know thats just the addiction talking, but I dont know what else to do.
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1565702 tn?1295292830
Sorry its been a while. I guess its just more of the same with me. I can't quit smoking and keep trying to make myself accept the fact that I never will.

Sergey, you are right, four packs a day is way too much. My doesn't just Addiction look really terrible, it is really terrible. I hear you on the doctor thing. Ive been really worried about that myself lately, because Ive been feeling really short of breath sometimes just walking a short distance. I can tell my breathing problems are getting alot worse.  The fact that this is already happening to me so early in my 30s is absolutely horrifying.

But I know I can't ever stop smoking. I've pretty much given up on trying to force myself to smoke less than three or four packs a day for the rest of this year. Its not like 32 will be anything special, but maybe next year or the following will be a better time to think about maybe just trying to limit myself to three packs a day. I say that now, but when I am honest with myself, I literally cannot imagine how hard it would be to not smoke at least three packs a day. I can barely go half an hour without needing another cigarette.

Even my friends make fun of me. Yesterday I was at a friends house watching the Dallas Cowboys football game on tv, because she and her boyfriend were hosting a little party. (and she wanted to introduce me to a cute guy). So Im all dressed up, in my little tight fitting Tony Romo jersey, and the shortest, tightest jean skirt I could find in my closet, and then put on the tallest pair of high heels I own, which was almost four inches of heel.  Just as I slipped my bare feet into the sky high heels, which I hadn't worn in a year, I just knew my poor feet were going to be covered in blisters by the end of the day. Looking at myself before I left, I thought I looked almost alright, except the pale white skin of my bare legs shining light a beacon of unhealthiness. But whatever, I was out to get me a mans.

I probably should have just left when I found out that the guy my friend was trying to set me up with is a non smoker. My friends' boyfriends house is nonsmoking, but they have a large covered patio outside where people were going to smoke while watching the football game on the big screen tv. So I was trying to make small talk with this cute guy, while seeing people out on the patio enjoying their cigarettes, and it was almost too much for me to bear. Eventually he commented on it and jokingly said "hey, Ive seen you eyeing the smokers out there for the past fifteen minutes, looks like you really need a cigarette". I excused myself and went outside to smoke quickly, then hurried back inside.

I tried my "hardest" to not smoke too much around this really cute guy, but it hardly worked at all. I felt like I was dying for a cigarette almost the whole time, even with several smoke breaks. By the end of the game, I had smoked 11 cigarettes in about 3 hours. That was me trying to restrain myself. How pathetic.

The cute guy joked with me that he'd never seen anybody smoke so much, at least not since college. I just smiled, and joked that I had started smoking 'regularly' in college, since that wasn't that long ago. I was trying to be cute. But instead, he just said "No kidding? I thought you looked good for your early forties." I just about cried, and wasn't sure if he was joking. I hoped he was. I joked with him that I wasn't that desperate yet, because I'd just turned 30 a year ago. Turns out he wasn't joking.  He was trying to be diplomatic, but just said it was probably just the smokers lines on my face that threw him off. He tried to smile it off, but I felt insulted. Even if it was true.

How demoralizing is it that a guy trying to flirt with me told me that I looked ten years older than I really am, because of what smoking has done to my face and skin.

But that isnt even the worst of it. Just this morning I had a doctors appointment. I had been meaning to schedule a checkup and pap smear after my 30th birthday over a year ago, but I just kept putting it off. When I went in there, after I lied to the doctor and told him I only smoked "2 packs a day" or so, he said he wanted to check my blood pressure.

My blood pressure was 160/90. Thats stage 2 hypertension. My doctor was shocked that my blood pressure was so high for my early 30s. He wanted to put me on blood pressure medication immediately. He then asked about other symptoms I might have had. Yes, Id had tingling and numbness in my left hand fingers from time to time. Yes, Id had trouble breathing. Yes, Id have tightness in my chest. Yes, I did drink alcohol daily. Yes, I got winded walking up a flight of stairs. He also said he wanted to recommend me for a lung function test, because he thought there was a very real possibility that I might already have early stage emphesyma or COPD based on the symptoms Id reported.

Really? I cant have emphesyma yet, Im only 31! This is crazy. Its totally frightening, but its absolutely crazy.

But its not like there is anything I can do about it. The doctor told me that while lungs will heal if I quit, that unless I stop smoking completely, my lungs will never really begin to heal themselves. He also said that with emphesyema that often times damage done is permenant. That right there made up my mind for me. If the damage is inevitable, then why bother. If I have to go from smoking 70 to 80 cigarettes a day to absolute zero to get any real benefit, then why even bother trying to do the impossible. Sure, I might could manage to maybe, maybe get by on say 35-ish cigarettes a day, if I was wearing half a dozen nicotine patches and on some crazy good drugs to sedate myself. But there is literally zero possibility of me ever getting by on less than 30 cigarettes a day. Literally zero. I think I smoked more than that in high school. Even in an imaginary world where I might be able to somehow only need to smoke 20 cigarettes a day, the doctor said my lung condition would continue to deteriorate. So if my emphesyma is inevitable, why even bother trying to quit. Im not trying to be fatalistic about it, but seriously, there is nothing I can do to stop whats coming.

So that kinda puts me in a foul mood.

And to put icing on the cake, just starting today, we just got a new parking garage at my office. We have to park on the 4th floor, and there are no elevators. So I had to huff it down 4 flights of stairs in high heels, gasping and wheezing for air the whole time. I was dizzy by the end of it, and positively sucking air. I had to bend over when breathing to try to catch my breath. Then I started coughing. The kind of cough you usually get with a nasty winter cold that turns into bronchitis that I get every year. Honestly I felt a little absurd still trying to catch my breath while lighting a cigarette, but I just couldn't help myself. After a few minutes of taking shallow drags off my cigarette and standing still, I was able to feel well enough to walk across the street like a normal person.

Things like this scare me. I mean, it scares me alot. It scares me to the point that I seriously don't think there is a good chance of me making it to 40. But even with all of that, I still feel like I could ever just up and quit. And if I cant quit all the way, then why bother at all. Its just too much trouble to try and go through all that.

So thats where I am today. Feeling an impending sense of doom, and accepting that I am unable to do anything about it.

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Avatar universal
How are things going Stephanie, we haven't hear from you in a while?
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5800796 tn?1375216317
Hi, Stephanie. I have read almost all of messages from this thread. And i think have what to write. Actually, i registered on this site for ask another question, but saw your story in recommendations and decided write first here.  

(Attention: English is not my native language, therefore in advance, sorry for some of mistakes or any confusing. Hope, you will understand me in anyways)

First of all, I’m also smoker, but not so much like you. Just average 1 pack a day. And i think now i have control for my addiction and i even can’t smoke 1 or 2 days long. And i know about how hard to quit. Its look strange, when smoker write to other smoker about quit. But i’m sure, its a good way, which can help to quit (or reduce amount of cigs). And your addiction looks really terribly.

Of course, all of smokers(or almost all) hopes on miracle - they will not be “punished” for diseases associated with smoking. To us, is always reminding about these diseases on packs, but it has no effect. For example, i never look on pack and i even don’t know about “wish” for me on pack on this time. And its a stupid. But who has a “longevity gene”, so, such people more lucky than others. And they can have all of possible bad habits without consequences. For example, Keith Richards from The Rolling Stones, smoke more than 50 years, and many many cigarretes on day, maybe 3 packs a day(he with cigarettes on most pics) And looks healthy in his 70 years old and can play 2 hours gigs. Here two things. First, He have unbelievable health(after many years of smoking, drinking and drug use), and the next, he have a lot of money, for treatment. So, if you have one of that (or both) you try to check your longevity gene.  However, you wrote, that two your relatives died due cancer. And probably you not have so much health for this. You need go to doctor and check your heart and lungs, just to know that all OK (or not..)

And you smoke 4 packs a day, as you wrote and this quite much. You must answer for the question, you really need smoke so much or not? Many of people have stress much more than you, but they are smoke less or even not smoke. Even with such huge amount of cigs per day, i think you can quit very quick. One more example from music. Lemmy from Motorhead, smoked many years and a lot, but in one day, he’s understood what tired of that. And quit. Just for one day! can repeat this trick? And i hope the last motivity example from music. Ringo Starr smoked 3 packs a day maybe until 40 years, but quit and now he’s 73 y.o and he looks happy and healthy. Therefore, Stephanie, if you quit now, you can get a good chance to live pretty long without serious health problem. Also i know, that for womens more hardly to quit then for mens, but it doesn’t mean that you no need need to try it.
And need to understand that smoking is bad for you. How understand it? So it looks for me in several ways. (of course, some of members on this thread already told about something, and maybe it just a summery)

First, As i said before, i not think that health is a main reason to quit. Because while we are healthy, we don’t think about future. (its mistake meaning, but all of smokers thinks so). Therefore one of the main reasons its a money. Just imagine how many interesting things you can buy, if you quit smoking. I don’t know about price on cigarettes in US, but in Russia (actually when i life) pack of Marlboro you can buy for 2$. 2$ x 4 packs a day x 365 days =2920$. Wow! It’s a really huge. (Its a price on Macbook pro in Russia).
Second, In your live must be some event in the future, which you want to see. It must be after 10 or after 20 years. Something big. You wrote, that not sure about your life after 40 years and its a sad. You must think about that.
Third. You can take a hobby. It can be anything: photography, music, writing and so on. Check the story about girl, who mad 180 websites for 180 days. (now 120). http://blog.jenniferdewalt.com/ Or if your lungs allow to you - go to gym. All of this can reduce amount of cigarettes.

At the same time, I’m not to blame you, Stephanie that you smoke, because smokers must support to each other. And i so tired from non-smokers who consider smokers like people from “low level”. Some of people allows to yourself nazi remarks to smokers. And its a terrible. Nobody wants to respect our choice.

So, in anyway, you can decide yourself what to do. Most of i wrote, of course, you know about it well, but you also know what you need to quit, and don’t solve this problem. Also(and primarily), you must stop drinking. But I have nothing to say about that,because, i’m not drink.

I believe that you can reduce amount of cigs(you did it two years ago) or even quit. And also i believe and hope that your life will long and happy. Good luck!

Sergey.
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Avatar universal
Thank you for your reply Stephanie, and for your kind words as well, I rarely get them.  Acceptance is a good thing, it is the first step on the road to happiness.  
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1565702 tn?1295292830
Thanks again for everybody's support. I feel like such a failure publicly admitting that I'm just about ready to throw in the towel on even trying to cut back on my constant chain smoking, at least for a few more years, but I appreciate everyone's kind words. I'm sure whenever I get diagnosed with lung cancer in my early forties, barely a decade away, I'll look back and remember how unwilling I was to committ to really trying to quit smoking and only beat myself up even more.  

Desolation, its funny that you mention it, but sometimes it really does feel like I have to have at least four packs a day or I can't keep my head straight. The idea that I could be a catch for any man someday almost made me laugh out loud. Travis, its very sweet of you to say that you think my smoking is sexy, I've actually had an ex-boyfriend tell me that before too, so its not the first time I've heard it; but I've never really thought of this as a dating site. Maybe I've just had too many bad experiences with guys on the internet; or maybe I'm just too down on dating, and down on myself to really be into anybody else right now. I'm also the worst at replying to private messages on these boards, since I only check it sporatically, but I do try to (eventually) get back to folks, whenever convenient. But for whatever its worth, I don't think its weird or creepy that you like smoking, I mean, most smokers prefer to date and hang out with other smokers, and as a life long smoker, I pretty much fall into that catagory too. I'm pretty sure I could never seriously date a non smoker.  

In any event, I guess I don't have to worry about that, since about the only date I'm gonna have anytime soon is with another bottle of vodka and a carton of cigarettes alone in front of my tv chainsmoking and getting drunk until I pass out, like I do just about every other night. A fake-friend from work told me I should start going to AA meetings with her, but I told her I probably wouldn't like it, because they'd probably frown upon my binge drinking and won't let me smoke at meetings. I couldn't stop laughing after I told her that, but for some reason she didn't think it was very funny.
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Avatar universal
Thank you so much for your reply Stephanie.  I would really like to get to know you better.  I really hope that this post doesn't come off as weird or creepy.  I would love to find a woman who smokes like you.  I think smoking is the sexiest thing a woman can do.  If you could message me on here, if you want, that would be so amazing.
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