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1565702 tn?1295292830

Young Lawyer can't quit

The stress from my job is killing me, but I can't quit smoking no matter how hard I try....  

I've been smoking since I was twelve, smoking regularly throughout high school, smoking even more college and law school; and kept on smoking during my two years working as a law clerk for the county courthouse, almost two packs a day for the past ten years --- and I just dont know how to quit. My new job as a entry level associate has me so stressed out Im smoking more than ever, but its getting me into trouble at work because Im always needing to take smoke breaks at the office, usually two or three in the morning, another for lunch, and at least another two or three more smoke breaks every the afternoon.

My new boss even recently complained that I always smell overpoweringly like stale cigarettes!!  Even though I wear alot of perfume and chew alot of Nicorette Mint gum, its still not enough!  Im afraid Chantix would make my anxiety attacks even worse and terrified of the thought of not being able to smoke again. I know thats just the addiction talking, but I dont know what else to do.
102 Responses
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Avatar universal
Apparently you like cigarettes (and liquor) the most. What are second and third things you like in your life? Trying to do these things more often is a more positive way approach than trying to cut down on cigarettes. A 30 min swimming or jogging per day can do changes in your life that you right now think is impossible.
Helpful - 0
5800796 tn?1375216317
Your messages is really sad, Stephanie. You understand that smoking is going kill you, but not doing anything with this. And this is the main problem - you have never tried to quit. Your “attempts” in past about which you wrote two years ago its just a funny. And now, when your health growing worse you begin to smoke even more. You almost killed yourself and you want to finish it faster? It's a really unbelievable. I thought that every person have a self-preservation, and in the critical situation starts to doing all only for survive, but probably in your case it's not so. At the same time, you have dating with guys, drive to work every day and it seems that you want to continue life in anyway. It is not hopelessness for you, while your health allow to live full life(almost). But as you know, it may come to an end. I agree with @desolation24, what you need to found right person which will show you the “right way” and by that to safe you.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Stephanie, if you are happy, smoke as much as you want.  I am sure you will one day find someone that can accept your heavy smoking, I know I would.  
Helpful - 0
1565702 tn?1295292830
desolation24, I want to believe you so badly. Really I do. I want to have people who accept me for who I am, nicotine addiction or not, who doesn't mind that I enjoy smoking, and want to keep smoking, and really need to keep smoking one cigarette after the other just to make it through the day.

And you are so right that my past attempts to focus on cutting back number of cigarettes have always totaly backfired. I just get so OCD about it, I start counting everything and it gets awful. I tried limiting to 60, but then when that failed and I gave up, I was back up to 75 cigs a day, and lying to myself saying it wasnt "really" 80. Except when it really was, which was like almost every day after a while. Four packs a day is just plain stupid, but its how much I honest-to-god smoke every single day. Just admitting that online just about makes me want to cry. But to admit it while looking at my next pack of cigarettes in my purse that I want to go smoke them right this very instant. The only people I know my age who smoke anywhere near as much as me are people who either smoked meth, do coke, or otherwise take too many stimulants and amphetamines, like me, so that they are constantly wanting and needing to smoke more. But stimulants or not, I just don't see myself ever being able to get back to below four packs a day. I think I actually need to smoke that much just to keep myself from going off the deep end.

So, Im so torn when I obsess about cutting my numbers because when I don't, I get stupid and end up smoking even more. Oh god, its so wicked and awful, but Ive actually smoked five packs a day before. Not just once either. Not just that one time during the summer. Like more than that. Like, two or sometimes three days a week. I think my body thinks it always needs more and more nicotine. Like endlessly. Who the hell else smokes five packs a day except a girl hopelessly hopped up on amphatamines again to help with add, just like back in middle school and high school and college and law school. No wonder I started chain smoking as a middle schooler and it only got worse in high school and college and later. But I cant stop myself. Either I obsess about the numbers, then it backfires, and I end up smoking more and more; or I try to ignore the number of cigarettes Im smoking, and I just consume even more. Either way, Im trapped in a cycle of needing more cigarettes, wanting more cigarettes, obsessing about more cigarettes, and thinking about more cigarettes almost all day long.

Anytime I dont have a cigarette in my mouth, I want to have one there. Anytime I dont have a cigarette in my hand, I want to have one there.
Anytime I dont have cigarette smoke around me, I want to have it.
Anytime I cant taste my last cigarette still on my lips, I want another.

Its like somehow my hopeless obsession with needing to smoke more cigarettes has only gotten worse and worse these past few years, and I can barely take it.

So Im afraid that you are right. I really just have to find someone, one of these days, who is alright with the fact that I am destroying my health with smoking and cannot stop no matter what. Same with my drinking. But thats a rare bird indeed.

Sergey92, I know youa re right. I really do. I know that my blood pressure is terrible, and Im sorry to hear yours is too. It scares me to know that I might drop dead at any moment, but I guess I have no choice but to accept it. My lungs are ruined, and I cannot stop ruining them no matter how hard I try. I always need more cigarettes. I always think about wanting more cigarettes. Even when it hurts my chest to breathe, I cannot stop myself from wanting and needing more cigarettes. Even when my cough goes from bad to worse, I cannot stop myself from needing more cigarettes.

This is what I get for changing jobs to an office where Im technically an independent contractor, being leased my own office space in a small residential sized building with no other tenants and a landlord straight outta the seventies who doesn't care if I smoke non-stop in my tiny office. Better still, I don't have a creepy boss who is always asking me why I never wear pantyhose with my high heels while he stares at my legs and licks his lips. It didnt happen every day, even though I have literally never wear hose, but it happened enough to bother me. But, flip side was that he never busted me for constant smoke breaks. In fact, he let alot slide for me so that my needing to step out ever fifteen to twenty minutes for another cigarette never effected my performance review, and I suppose that came at a price of feeling his eyeballs looking me up and down everytime I walked by, but now thats gone. Now, nobody cares is I wear socks or hose or pants or skirts. Nobody cares whether Im showing pantylines or whether Im even wearing any at all, because I work alone now, and I love the solitude. Literally No one else is around, and hardly anyone comes by, so now I have finally been let loose to smoke as much as I want in my own office.

Smoking all day long at work has been both wonderful and terrible. My cigarette consumption has continued to sky rocket, and that makes me scared. Im about in tears as I say this, but I just lit another cigarette at my desk, so I'll tell the truth: I smoked 95 cigarettes yesterday, over half of them at the office.  I smoked 92 the day before, and 93 the day before. Its not "technically" a "full" five packs a day, but its damn close. Real damn close.

But thats what happens when you let a lonely, depressed, alcoholic, pill popping chainsmoker have an office by herself in a small building by herself where no body ever comes by. Shes smokes herself to death.

My cough has a rattle now that frightens me. I dont know if its me getting sick or what. When my new office landlord heard it a few weeks ago he told me I might want to get that checked out, because it sounded just like what his second wife's cough sounded like before she got lung cancer.

He said that she was only 46 years old when she died from lung cancer, many years ago and that she only smoked about two and a half packs a day back then. Sad really. He isn't a smoker, but he said both of his adult daughters are smokers, just like their mother was, so he can't complain about me smoking in his building, but that he wanted to warn me personally about lung cancer.

So yeah, I know whats coming for me. For all I know, it may already have me, I don't know. I know my smoking is going to kill me, painfully, but I really cannot stop. I mean, I suppose I could say that I know smoking is going to kill me, but I really just dont want to stop, but that doesnt seem right. Its not that I dont want to stop, its that I know that I cannot stop. I know that I can never beat this addiction, no matter how much I might want to, so I have to learn to accept my inevitable fate. Surely others here have had to come to grips with that themselves.

But thats where I find myself. Behind another cloud of smoke, coughing, wheezing, feeling like an ashtray, and being resigned to my inevitable fate. This must be what bleak hopelessness looks like.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
You aren't pathetic at all, Stephanie.  You shouldn't have to restrain yourself from smoking around anyone at all.  It's their loss if they can't accept you for who you are.  If someone can't accept your nicotine addiction, then you don't need them anyway.  You just haven't found the right person yet.  If you still enjoy smoking, just smoke what you need and focus on the enjoyment you get from smoking instead of the negative aspects.  It seems like trying to limit yourself to a certain amount of cigarettes has backfired in the past, so just listen to your body.  No one person can tell you or force you to quit, only you can do that, and if that time ever comes you'll know when it is.
Do be careful with the alcohol.  Heavy use every day will only lead to more problems, make your nicotine cravings worse, and make any existing health problems worse as well.  It definitely does not help in any way, shape, or form.  It may take your problems away for one evening, but they're right back the next day with a hangover to go with them.
Helpful - 0
5800796 tn?1375216317
If your doctor was shocked about your 160/90, he just don't know about me. In 19 years old i had 190/90 and nobody was shocked. Fortunately now i have almost normal BP, but who knows what will be next.

So, your blood pressure is high, your lungs are damaged and to go from bad to worse, you drink alcohol every day- All this together is sad because, probably you NOT have time to wait the next year. You have high probability what your life could be end at any time. And i don’t want to scare you or something like, but its a true, it's a sad true. in my last message i  was pretty “liberal” and told that you can still smoking if you want and if your health allow to you, but after your last message, similar words is impossible.
You have not much time to quit and i think you understand it. All of your words about “i know i can’t ever stop smoking” is rubbish, because many people in history of the world successfully quit smoking. You should go to another doctor who can help to you quit. And you should do it now.

Or you don’t want? Listen, You are 31 y.o, you can life at least 50 years and you really don’t want to see in our world in 2063 year? Maybe after 15 or 20 years with giant step in medicine, you will be able to recovery your lungs. Therefore, it makes sense to see to this. Hope you have people who care about you, because they can guide to you on right way.
Helpful - 0
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