Oh man, so sorry to hear all that!! I was once her-a rebellious teen who NO ONE could help or control.
Let her stay with her mother and the next time they have a falling out, her mother needs to take control of her daughter and take responsibility for her. How can she just kick her daughter out at the age of 16 without some sort of legal ramifications? I can certainly understand her mother being upset about the pregnancy scare, but kicking her out without taking her to the Dr. first isn't right. Her mother could be a part of the reason the girl is so rebellious. She may be trying to get some sort of attention, whether it be negative or not.
The girl is too young to be deciding who SHE wants to live with . She can't just bounce back and forth between your house and her mother's house because things don't go her way. She went to your house when her mother kicked her out because of the pregnancy scare, and then she ran back to her mom's when she got grounded at your house. All the parents involved need to get together and have a sit down, come up with a plan and follow through.
I wish you luck!!
I agree with everything you say. I play this rank right now "i care for her, but she only wants me around when its to her conveniance"...Ive tried backing off, ive tryed being there for every waking moment. However I think like you said she is searching for attention. Definitly not my attention;I think she is Thirsting for her mothers attention.
The last message she sent me was making demands that i pass certain things on to the other family members. But i was quick to remind her that I would not pass them on, if she needed them passed on she would have to do it. I have saved every message in case this does go to court.
I know she is striving to be an ADULT. I know it is hard cause at her age everyone is choking "what are you going to do for the future" down your throat.I also know that she is in "Love" or well what she wants to concider as love. I also know that she is used to getting her way when it comes to a lot, shes told shes grounded for something but daddy gives in and bends the rules..that sort of thing...
But the family is starting to really wonder if she has something wrong up stairs .. if you get my drift. shes made some very serious and harmfull and false accusations against her father..which has not only hurt the family but can quite possibly cause him to lose his job as a police officer. Ive been trying to stress to the rest of the family on how she has made her choices and although she is still a child mentally and physically to us she in her mind thinks she is an adult, and all adults need to reep what they sew.
who knows, i may have a bad view point. Her dad says he wants nothign to do with her, that she has hurt him enough with her lies, and her sneeking around, and her stealing. He said he is also afraid to let her back in the house...who knows what lies she will invent next ya know?
With her dad being a police officer, THAT right there might make her think she's invincible. She probably thinks she can do anything she wants and Daddy will bail her out. It sounds as if you guys are trying the "tough love" route, and IMO, that is exactly what she needs! She's got to learn that there are consequences for mistakes made in life. Either you learn from them or you don't. I pray she starts to learn from them and not repeat them, but that is something she will have to learn on her own.
Maybe a psychological evaluation is needed as well. The family is starting to see what's going on, so it's not just you. There could definitely be something wrong, or she could just be another one of those rebellious teens. Maybe a trip to the Maury show bootcamp style is just what she needs..LOL!!
I have heard my whole life that Preacher's kids (I am one) and Police Officer's kids are always the worst! Considering what I put my parents through as a child, it's true.
I wish you all the best!
i have to keep it short cause im sure my finace wouldnt approve of me posting about our problems... but i will post again later... i just think its funny that he is a police officer... and hir father was a preacher! hahaha. when i write next time ill explain a few more things that i didnt think to before... thankyou so much for your insight!
torward the end of the school year she had an "accidental" overdose.. or so she calls it... she went into our medicine cabinet (we keep everything in our bathroom because she couldnt even take nightquil in the right dose) and instead of grabbing tylenol or something for her headache she took some of her fathers pain medicine perscribed to him for his shoulder injury. typically when we give her medicine for a headache we only give her one pill maybe 2 if she says its really bad. she decided to take 6 or 7 she said cause it was "Really hurting"...needless to say she was braggin about it to her Boyfriend who was worried cause she had slurred speach and said she was telling him that she could barely walk.. he got concerned and called an ambulance. long story short she thought she was out of trouble when she said she did it by accident. well she was wrong. she was grounded for a month. not for "supposidly" accidentally making a mistake but for going in the medicine cabinet where she knew she wasnt supposed to go. and secondly for using prescription drugs not prescribed to her...keep in mind that what she took was oxycodone. (im not a nurse but i do know they give her father a larger dose because he is such a big guy...and taking 6 or 7 is just careless) i thought that the punishment should have been stronger, but thats where my fiance and i dissagree about things. so she was grounded for a month. she had to clean the house everyday from top to bottom before use of a phone or computer..(made me want to slap him)
after things started to settle down (took a week or so)
we got a call from the school saying that she had written a note to the councilor saying she had thoughts of killing herself, and that she was scared.
we brought her to several appointments and we were getting ready to bring her in for an evaluation when she up and left. her mother wants nothing to do with us. she wont answer when we call or leave a message to let her know that she needs to be checked out to make sure something isnt wrong upstairs so to speak. and now my finaces daughter continues to spread lies like him and i are the ones that are wrong and that he has supposidly done things to her that have never happened. im just sort of at a loss of words.
his mom wants to take legal action against her for the things that were taken. and also to require her to get mental help. wether it be medication or just a therapist.
anywho thats where we stand...
I am seriously at a loss for words! Wow! What a nightmare for you guys! I can't help but wonder if some of her problems also stem from the short age distance between you two. She's 16, you're 23, maybe she thinks you are supposed to be her friend rather than someone who can tell her what to do. I'm not saying that could be the entire reason, but maybe a small part. The girl DEFINITELY needs some mental help. She's having suicidal thoughts, and even "accidentally" OD'd. Hmm... Anyway, her mother is enabling this behavior by doing nothing about it. She's chosen to ignore the fact that her daughter has some serious issues to spite ya'll. How childish and selfish!
At this point, I don't know what else to tell you except that she needs to face the consequences. If she steals, or does anything illegal, have her arrested. I know that will be a very tough thing to do, but like I said, she NEEDS to learn that she can't do things like that and get away with it or she will just continue doing them.
Good luck and I hope you'll keep me posted.
I know she has problems with the short age between the both of us. she has made comments before to me and behind my back. the one and only time i have ever corrected her was when she overdosed. I told her she pissed me off she violated MYprivacy by going into MY bedroom and My bathroom and that she has her own stuff and her own bathroom her own bedroom, and i dont just walk in there to go through her things. that i thought she would be a little more respectful of me and my privacy.
she tried telling me that it wasnt my place to correct her but i did say something to that, she was asked before i moved in if it would be alright. when she had her "Pregnancy scare" and she moved out. when her mom told her all those horrible things I was the one who went to pick her butt up! I was the one who made doctor appointments, i was the one who got her re-enrolled into her school. i did all of that. her dad didnt do a dang thing. her mom didnt do a dang thing except spread the news around her side the family to make her look bad. hell even her nana which is her dad's mom didnt do anything. I was quick to remind her that I am not her mom but I am an adult in her life who has done a lot more than i should have Had to do for her. But that i didnt really mind doing because I care for her and i want her to be happy, and i want her to be healthy.
her attitude did end after that about the "closeness in age" However because i dont agree with her lies right now she thinks of me as the enemy.
She needs what my step son got. Counseling, A family preservation specialist and a visit to police station to the scared straight program. I hope you took her to get on Birth Control as well, because otherwise she will be pregnant before she is 18.
All these professionals can help you diagnose her and deal with her issues, back you up, help you enforce the rules and learn how to handle and cope with every situation.
Right now she is in control of both your households and this much sounds like when I started dating my husband. My step son was in the same situation and his mother said almost the exact same thing (not a pregnancy scare though).
2 years ago he was running away, became very violent and told lies about his mother starving him and told her lies about us. He even told us he beat up a kid in school because the kid sexually molested him when really they were playing an inappropriate type of "yo mama" game and one kid said something that hurt his best friends feelings.
The counselor every other week and the family preservation specialist came once a week for the kids and once a week for us. Together the pro's devised rules and a plan that now 2 years later my step son uses his words, rarely ever hits anyone and is moving in the right direction.
Their mother is a deadbeat druggy and alcholic who lies, cheats and steals. She told him at 12 to go ahead when he is 13 to have s_x and she recently lied to them JUST because she was mad telling them their father hadn't paid CSupport and the check she got was a gift and would not count. She spent the money on herself! She has the kids the exact same of time we do; she left him for 9 months with the kids and refused to see them, yet she went in and filed a false child support claim. She was engaged and sent my husband come on texts.
The oldest with ODD thought if she didn't get into trouble for what she has done it must be ok. She told them I was cheating with their dad when I didn't even know them when she abandoned them and left.
I told her to leave me out of it and she puts me in it through my husband and so I now tell the kids who come home with the lies that they come home with to call her as daddy talked to her and she can tell you the update. Of course she never answers and this time when I text her to tell her they would be calling at 7pm for her to correct them, she contacted my husband and threatened him to tell me not to text her nasty grams and she said the text made no sense. He told her look we told you when you lie to the kids from now on you will be correcting it yourself so they WILL be calling you. And he told her he read the text and it was perfectly clear and asked her why she lied about the child support and she told him it was because she was mad at him??? OMG no she spent the money on herself. The kids come home upset, because she told everyone she wanted the money to get them internet, tv, a phone, new clothes and two months later they have none of that and she is still lying to get out of paying things for them! We have them exact amount of time as her, we have summer chores they get paid for, but we give them the money only during the time they are here, because we know she hands the oldest money to make him leave her alone, so at least we know she is forced to use some of it for them. In MD you can NOT ask for receipts, but you can take them back to court if you can prove they are not getting use of the money. He told me he is telling her "If I don't see internet, tv, phone, new clothes (ETC) all which you wanted it for, then I will take you to court for child support fraud. He is not supporting her habit. I mean she had the kids believing the child support was for her. OMGGGGGGGGGG
Also she is court ordered to pay all activities and care for kids while in her care now. The kids both have camp on her week, so that will be about 350.00 she will need to spend. Since we know she spends it on herself we are happy when she is forced to spend money on the kids. Brad had a camp, she asked to use his bike at our house for it and Mark told her no, buy him one, that is what the child support helps with. Come to find out Brad already has a bike over there, so why was she wanting him to use the bike we have?
Court also ordered she has to completely comply and take care of all things, even paperwork and forms for things on her week and their lunches for school too. She'll lie like she tried to 2 years ago and if we catch her we are turning her in, because her new husband makes 20.00 an hour and she is making 10.00 an hour.
Anywho she is a real slimball conartist and I just wanted to vent.
So I understand what you are going through. I wish you luck and hope no one goes through what I am.
Also they have support meetings for step parents and familys that are free. FamilyFirst I think is their name is one of them.
Oh yeah and we put passwords and parental controls on the frontend of the computer, set it to go there when no one is there for 15 and internet screens and we keep our meds in our room and we had a lock on our bedroom door for a year.
I also have them in sports and activities. I do not trust the oldest he is still lying, so I will not spend time alone with him.
I suggest you do the same.
Pretty much everyone stopped listening to him when they found out he lies about everyone. His 20yr old sister just learned that lesson when he lied about me to her and his father was here the day he said the incident happened!
I learned I will always be the one he lies about most, because I was the first to enter into a serious relationship with one of his parents. He thus far treats his step father much better then he does me. In his mind if I had never come into dad's life, daddy, mommy would not have married again and they would have gotten back together, Even though his father told him they tried to work things out for years and it didn't work and that none of this was the kids faults. Evan's ODD (a reasoning disorder) has yet to accept that.
Being a spiritual counselor I did work with him myself and we got him using words and he even is excitedly talking to me, but whenever he feels bad he always lies about me.
Between his mom and him I am on anxiety pills right now.
Well Keep in mind it has been since June 27th she has been gone.. that is the day she left. I already wrote about how she took everything without permission... my theory on that is if it was exactly hers she would have tried to leave and take everything when we were home... but she knew she was not allowed to take that stuff... let alone the household animals!
yesterday i had to work for a few hours and when i came home my finace told me to look in the cabinet. i have a cabinet in the kitchen where i keep all of my baking stuff, spices etc... well in the back we had a bottle of old liquer that was a gift to his dad because the name of it had his grandmaothers maiden name... so it was kept for sentimental reasons...well that bottle had never been opened ... never, the most we ever have drank in this house since i moved in has been a wine cooler.. and thats only allowed for my finace and me. well half of the bottle is gone... theres nobody else who would have drank it.. so we caught her red handed! i remember that bottle and the story behind it.. i know she knew what it meant to the family.. yet she obviously doesnt give two craps about any of us here... she claims i just walked right in here and called everything mine... no... the only thing in this house that is part mine is the stuff i have helped buy since i got here... which is a lot let me tell you... to give you a brief example...this house isnt mine.. doesnt have my name on it...his truck isnt mine...not in my name... but now that i live here i would say it is my home as well as his... i pay the bills just like he does etc... but if for any reason i ever left i know i wouldnt take those things. however the furniture that we bought this spring. that i helped pay for so it is part mine. i am really starting to feel like a piece of paper ... hands all around the outside of it.. pulling... eventually the paper is going to tear apart. i dont want her to have anything to do with me anymore, i think she is just like her mother. and this may be a phase but she can keep it at her mothers and to herself for all i care. im doen carting for her... and we dont have to worry about child support... my finace has had her 92% of her life and her mother never paid a dime. now that she is living with her mom if she needs something thats her moms responcibility. and i know her mom wouldnt even ask for the child support... she never has...shes too afraid to go to court to ask for it .. shes afraid she will lose custody of her daughter. and MAN i wish she would.. cause theres no way she is benifiting her daughters life in any way or form! well im glad to hear im nto the onyl one going through step kid drama. i told my finace when we have kids we wont have to put up with this **** cause we wont have a split home.. and if my kid acts like her... ill make sure she doesnt do it again. im not afraid to spank my kids... i think part of her problem is she was never told no.
Are you living in the house that he and his ex lived in or perhaps even one that just the kids and he lived in before you got there?
A lot of the "mine" and disrespect comes from a feeling over ownership. The whole you came to MY HOUSE type of deal, so she thinks she can do what she wants.
Experts recommend when a couple moves in or marries in situations where there are prior kids involved if possible it is best to move to different home to establish a new order and integrate families better.
It wasn't until we moved that the oldest even considered not fighting me on the rules. He was also being fed that it was his mom's house and I did not belong there, even though she abandoned the house, husband and kids! My husband would hear directly from his ex "That woman is living in my house!" Ok so he finally realized she cheated on him before, during the marriage, drained his bank accounts and even after she left she was signing up for things in his name and breaking in to the old house.
She was such a pig, she would buy new clothes rather then wash them, she pack ratted a ton of stuff, refused to pick them up and then claimed we wouldn't let her have them, but we called her bluff when we sat them out on the porch, told her to pick them up by such a date or they would be disgarded. A witness saw them still sitting there up to 3 months later and finally they were trashed. This woman made her kids her slave and threw food on the floor, she did unspeakable things and trashed the place entirely when she left. You know the shows where houses are condemned til cleaned up? That is what I walked into as his friend. She wouldn't even pick her kids up from school when they were sick and she was 2 miles away from him.
She needs the thank me, because without me her kids would not allow her to be in a new relationship. The oldest violent rages ruined one for her last year. Now she has found herself a new victim. Says she loves him, but we know that he has never said no to her yet. Already things are happening in order of how they happened to my husband when she was with him so we can see she is going to drain him dry and leave him too. She needs to be arrested she is nothing but a conartist slimball.
So yes I know what you are going through. She trashed the house so bad and he had the kids alone and she had drained him of money, but we got a blessing. The mortgage company made a HUGE mistake and violated our rights so we were able to move from that home. She was already demanding he sell it and give her half, so the mortgage companies mistake actually was a good thing as she got nothing. Then she demanded his 401k and was pumping the boys to pressure their dad to give it to her, but she didn't file for her share or it in 10 days and lazily she tried to get Mark to tell her a few months later how to do it again and he told her NO. So she didn't get that either. She ended up convincing SA that Mark was a deadbeat and we had to get a lawyer. When asked what she wanted, she said child support of 400-500 a month for having them exact same amount of time as we do. Then she went in there and said 550.00, then when Marks lawyer added in her business income she lied about she got mad and said no 545, then she went up to 548, then finally through her greed and yelling the lawyers realized she was just greedy and lying and convinced her to take 500.00. Mark asked what he gets for the 9 months she was a deadbeat and paid nothing and they said nothing and he should have filed, then he told them he did and was told there was nothing they could do. We are the reason she sees her kids, we made her. Mark always helps her with the kids and luckily we had proof, but the good news is the court papers are clear about her having to do her job as a parent or else and since Mark doesnt have to pay the activities and lunches and nothing for over there buy copays it takes it down to what we would spend on them in those two weeks a month ourselves. Hopefully his threat to take her to court for Support Fraud will convince her not to lie to her kids saying the money is for her or she never received it.
She was mad and called him the other day about the child support saying she had not received the first payment from DSS yet and she needed to pay her rent. He said, "I can not do anything about it, they take it from my check when you get it is their business, you are married now, go ask your husband to help with rent"
He said she doesn't even act like she is married. I said exactly that guy is a victim, not a husband.
I did tell the 13 yr old the other week when he said he may want to live with his mom to go do it. I threw his clothes down the steps and I told him I wasnt taken his **** anymore. and then I said BYE!
Even though it is getting better. Our issues now lay in a couple facts
1. The oldest is having trouble accepting his mom and dad would not have gotten back together and that even if I had never came in the picture they were not getting back together, despite many times of dad telling him that they tried for years to get along and work it out and couldn't but it is not the kids fault and they both love them (the kids). The counselor said she is working on this with him and it is taking time.
The oldest knows, but can not accept that his mother's issues are her own; he still sometimes tries to blame other people (especially his father and I) for her behavior. Dad reminded him that she has been single for 2 years, he has had nothing to do with her decisions, she is a grown woman who makes her own choices.
2. I feel my husband is a little lost sometimes. When I got here he was disciplining them like they were 2 year olds and was wondering why it was getting worse. So even though the oldest's counselor and the family preservation specialist came together with us and created rules suitable for their age and conditions he still has habits of not being firm enough with them or not backing me up when they act up.
I told him last night I told the 11 year old 5 times to get his lunch ready for camp and at every turn he was doing everything else and then smarting off about it. He is emotionally acting like a 2 year old when he is going into middle school. He didn't make his lunch then asked his dad to help him and his dad is right there. I said no Mark if he had listened sure help him, but he didn't listen so he has to do it all himself. Then I turned around and he hadn't finished getting ready AGAIN. On his last smart off I told him he chose to go to this camp and he is in middle school now so he needs to get ready for it, that if he smarted off to me or I had to ask him one more time he would not be going. But guess what he did it again.
Mark then made excuses for him saying he is tired. I said we are all tired, but we all have things to do in order to get ready. I later talked to my husband in private about it telling him that him making excuses for his son was undermining me and him not automatically backing me up when I say do something has caused the boys to think I am the one making up rules and you just listen to me. They told me this and that they did not have these rules before me and they still don't get it, they still dont believe even though the pro's made these rules up and told them, they think I run the entire show. They have no respect for me, because he doesn't take the lead role or automatically back me up and that I shouldn't have to ask for him to. Of course again he admits he is once again wrong and sorry, but he needs to break this habit.
I like you am done with it. I told both kids to bring home their good attitudes and behaviors or they would be sent right back to their mom's. During school if they did not do their homework at moms and I hear about it they will be going to her house after school to get caught up.
My husband and I got tired of picking up for her, so he called her and told her this too.
Even so she will not talk to me, because she too thinks I am in control and she thinks she can still manipulate my husband. I got tired of hearing her loudly calling him names and abusing him over the phone when she didnt think I was there, so I made it well known I would not put up with it and she stopped. Now she tries to tell him to tell me stuff and he told her no way, she speaks her mind and clearly and when you mess with my kids or us you will hear from her.
I want to have a child so bad with my husband, but until this stuff is under control I wont risk it. I miscarried a child when I was 22 it was a little boy, due to my exhusband's **** and I wont even attempt to risk a child until I know everything is under control. I told Mark that too, he wants to start (he has 4 and has fostered kids). I think he is a great father; he just needs to take more of a disciplinary role. He knows this I told him all of this.
In my heart I know she would be better off with you and some counseling and the family preservation specialist (is free through the Social Services). And all in all it has been HUGE fight to constantly re-program the wrongs his ex is doing to them. They were too young to understand why she didn't want them and they were in so much pain we forced her to spend time with them until they themselves are done with her.
The oldest comes back and tells us when she has bad moods, but the things I have to deal with with him I just tell him if she yells at you, just listen and do right if you are not listening to her, then keep yourself busy and out of trouble. I saw him Easter, he has no respect for her, because she doesn't enforce rules much and she acts like their big sister calling and tattling to my husband. We were told the courts see us helping her as it being taken care of. Not as a troubled home over there. Even the fact of dangerous situations like the oldest twisting chairs on the youngests head. No one in MD gives a ****. As long as we handle it they see it taken care of, so our lawyer said call CPS, don't help her anymore at all.. In the mean time telling us it is too hard to prove a MD mother unfit, so it's unlikely we'd get full custody.
BUT you have no idea how bad this woman is and I haven't even scratched the surface of the illegal things she has done and she still was able to go in and convince SA my husband was a deadbeat dad. They treated him so badly and violated his rights so bad he called a lawyer. Thank god they see now she was lying.
Now he is getting threatening letters saying he owes back child support. OMG you see they start the clock when the false claim is submitted, then no matter what happens they still make you pay some of it. He had arranged to have it taken from his check and the DS office messed up, so then he had to go down and fix it again. They even had his name wrong! OMG
So don't be surprised if she files a claim, just be ready for it. I hope your states law protects the good parents, because ours doesn't.
well after everything that girl has done do you know that she had the balls "so to speak" to email her dad and ask if it is alright that she uses his address for school?
my first thought is "How dare her, after everything she has said and done recently. to ask him of that!"
second thought is " he better not let her use it, he should tell her that she had her chance to use this address. then she left and made up all sorts of lies about him, and even if she had a slight chance she blew it by all of the **** she pulled"
well he said that he isnt even going to respond to her email, and when august gets here he said hes going to call the school and let them know that she isnt living here in this town,that she moved back with her mom, and that she needs to be enrolling at a different school where her mother lives.
cause down here, you child has to be living in the school district that he/she is attending. you cant just pay more, your not supposed to lie about it either. and he said as much **** as she has caused he is not going to put up with it anymore. and the further she is away he said he was happy.
so yea, i had to keep it short i gotta finish getting ready for work!
thanks for sharing your situations :-P
i don't have a similar situation...all i can say is, if he's a cop, then he knows about teen boot camp...AND she is NOT too old, to get her butt whopped!
thats just my 2 cents ;)
as for the moving back and forth, i'd put a stop to it legally...go to the courts, tell them she lives there, and you guys might end up paying child support, but at least she can't go back and forth...OR if she's court ordered to live with daddy, then move her back, and see about getting her on an ankle bracelet...a kid can only call wolf so many times, before she loses credibility in herself, and for herself...as for something wrong upstairs, it's possible...and it can be corrected, or at least hindered...that would be what the counseling is for...
Wow, this really hits home for me. I'm the dad with a crazy 16 yr old daughter right now. I came across your question doing research in efforts to decide what course of action to take. Hope yourgetting through everything OK. Wish me [email protected]