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Avatar universal

How do I move forward?

I have been scouring the internet for hours now to find help. I have been with my boyfriend for 13 years. He has a 15 year old son. His son goes back and forth spending 1 week with his mother and 1 week with his father. When he first started school, I seemed to have been the only one making sure he did his homework, just like my own 3 kids. He had good grades and passed all his classes. That stopped when he reached high school. At that time, his dad didn't feel it was necessary to keep an eye on him. That's when I noticed he wasn't doing his homework and was putting minimal effort in school. Not my problem? Well when my own kids see that he's getting away with it, my kids start to wonder how come they can't. It sort of is a double standard for me and makes me feel like a hypocrite. He has no motivation and is glued to his video games all the time when he's at his mom's house. At our house, I've pretty much cut him off those privileges, as those are rewards he has not earned. Every time I tell him to do something around the house, he throws fits and slams things and starts stomping around the house. This has been going on pretty much the whole duration of our relationship. Nothing but complete disrespect towards me. His dad doesn't say anything to him about it, maybe that's why he keeps doing it, because he can get away with it. If that was my kid, he'd get a smack at the back of the head. I'm at the point where I'm pretty much fed up and am at the point where I just refuse to talk to him and just ignore him. It's not healthy...for everyone in the house, and I don't know what to do anymore. Marriage, I think, is not a priority for his dad and I anymore. We have discussed it a couple of times, and at one point he told me that we can't get married until I change my ways with his son. I think I should have walked away at that point. It's a subject I've pretty much dropped and no longer care to discuss. Here I am now, wondering should I just move on with my life without them? I'm in my mid 40's and I have 3 college aged children. Definitely not looking to starting a new relationship, but if it happens, it happens. I am nothing but annoyed and pissed off every time he's here with us, and it's not fair to everyone. I'm tired of it. I've held on for as long as I can, and I am having the hardest time to keep holding on. It feels like it would be so much easier to let go. But damn, 16 years....and all for nothing =(
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Avatar universal
Stop worrying about the son for now and worry about the boyfriend. The son will listen to the boyfriend so if your boyfriend is not disciplining him or making it clear that you have the power to, the control is out of your hands. This situation has nothing to do with the step son.

If your boyfriend has no interest in making the relationship work, then you will have to cut him loose as you cannot make him interested if he isn't, you cannot make him care if he doesn't. Now if he feels you are being unreasonable with his son, you may want to try to clarify your position by communicating with your boyfriend about how your boyfriend behaves and leaving his son out of it. I

There may be a misunderstanding. He may have stopped investing in the relationship because he feels you aren't treating his son fairly because all you do is complain about the child. Try talking to him and do not even mention the stepson. You need to build the relationship back up first or see if its possible, and then you can discuss "your boyfriends behavior in regards to his son" and NOT "His son"
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Avatar universal
I feel like leaving my boyfriend. I refused to move in with him years ago because of his son. I get a bad vibe from him. He hits and kicks their dogs. He joked about giving my son peanuts because my son has an allergy to them. He's threatened to kill people at his school.
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