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It's Klonopin Time

Ok my oldest step son is trying a new tactic to get his way. Lying, cheating, stealing and rumoring didn't work and neither did violence, so now he is saying he wants to live at the opposite place at each week ending, so Mark called his bluff and called his mother about it. He told her about Evan's latest of coming home from her house and going to her house saying he wants to live at the opposite house and we are tired of it and want to call his bluff. He told her even the youngest has been asking for a year to be seperated from his brother for a year now during the weeks and only see him on the weekends. In confidence the youngest told me he has issues with his brother bullying and being violent to him at his mother's house and he is tired of it, so he thinks if they alternate weeks seperately and only see each other on the weekends it would help them to appreciate one another more. For a year we have been advising him that it would mean being alone and away from his brother and he would miss him.

So Mark decided to call his oldest son's bluff. You see the boys mom is horrible to deal with and wont discipline them or back us up, but expects us to come running every time she has an issue with them. We were told to stop doing her job for her and let her sink or swim, because courts viewed us helping as it being handled and not as she is a pain who can't control her kids.

Well, so she suddenly recognises she has a husband when it is convenient to her, because she admitted to not wanting to deal with Evan by himself either last year, so she pulls the "I have to ask my husband thing" Well we heard nothing about it since. So I am thinking that she will get off her lazy arse and make her son listen or she will request full custody of one of the kids "the youngest" as she already told us before she would take the youngest any time. BUT both kids have a say and the youngest already said no way is he going full time with either, he likes to see and spend time with both his parents and the oldest? Well he will get what he wants. The youngest also confided in me that he may do the full custody if temperary and he didnt have to switch schools.

So we think we know what is going on. Mom is moving to VA and the oldest found out his best friend has moved there as well, thus they would be in school together making him not afraid to move now.  The oldest has been told by his mother that she was unhappy because of his dad and he thinks she is now happy, but she is not. So he has a heck of a learning curve coming to him if he moves with her.

I am just tired of her downing Mark and trying to turn the kids against us for no reason. She cheated and then abandons her own kids for 9 months refusing and lying directly to their face, She got busted by the oldest and continues to lie anyways. The kids are still too young to understand why mommy doesn't want to see them, so we forced her to be a mother til they do. She sees them every other week now and has them exact time as we do and filed a false child support claim. We haven't seen a dime of child support spent on those kids to this day and in MD no receipts are required so unless we can prove it, then she can continue to pocket their money.

The best we can do is tell her no when she calls asking for stuff and forcing her to spend money on them here and there by saying that is what child support is for.

So Mark has talked to the oldest about his behavior and has put consequenses to his action reminding him that nothing he does will change our rules..

So I am filled with anxiety and frustration about the turn out will be.
2 Responses
Avatar universal
Whew!  You have a lot going on in your life.  It is hard to be a step parent.  It is hard to be a parent!  Nobody born came with a book of instructions.  BUT.  I suggest you check out books at the library or at the book store on this very issue.  Step parenting.  The books are out there.  I have seen them.  Also, look up on the internet about step parenting.

One thing, the oldest boy has got to toll the line on bullying, violence, lying, cheating, stealing and abusing his little brother.  If he demonstrates this behavior mostly after he returns from his mother's, then you know where much of this behavior is encouraged and you had better just keep him home.  He has psychological problems that he doesn't know how to deal with except whatever way that works for him.  It may be more helpful to get him some counseling so he can learn better coping methods and reduce his anxiety, fear, anger, possibly depression too, and distrust of other people, and abandonment.

The children are playing you like a fiddle with threats on living here and then there etc.  Your husband needs to be the leader in your household.  They are his biological children.  You need to back off and let him do his job as a father.  It sounds like he is struggling with stepping up to this plate.  He needs to seek counseling regarding parenting skills or start reading books on the subject.  The boys need to feel more security in their lives and to feel their Dad will protect them.  He needs to establish boundaries within your home, within the kid's lives.  They need protection from themselves and are too young to know how to have it in a healthy way.  Your husband has got to be their leader.  Not just present.  But an active leader in the home.

The fact that the mother is moving to another state, farther away much less, making herself even less accessible to her children is a pretty loud statement.  She doesn't want to be around her kids.  She is making visitation even harder for them.  She is pushing them away from her.  It is obvious she is self-centered and not mother material.  She can blame everything in her world on your husband while refusing to recognize that she is not dealing with her issues, or providing support financially as well as parentally.  Your husband should make it clear to her that the children are not to be used as pawns in her war with him.  She must speak directly to him.  Not attack him in front of his children.  They don't know what to believe, what to think, what to say.  They love both parents and it is unfair of her to make demands they choose one side or the other.

Your husband can go back to family court and demand that she pay child support or be arrested as a dead beat parent.  He has every right to do this and if he doesn't then he must look within himself for the answer why.  It is not your place to fight his battles.

Should their mother actually move away, I recommend that your husband deny the children their wish to move with her.  They need to live in a stable home, know what it is to live with love, being wanted, a stable home, having boundaries they have to live by, and the older one needs to learn that his behaviors are not tolerated in the home or elsewhere, especially to his brother.  And his brother needs to know you will protect him, that he is safe.  They both need to know that home is a soft place to fall at the end of the day.

Victims of abusive homes tend to gravitate toward their abuser trying to appease him/her, to gain love, attention, safety, by doing everything the abuser wants.  They become entrapped because the abuser never changes, and they are always getting mixed signals. " I did what she wanted but she still hates me.  I must try even harder."  Nothing will actually change with the abuser.  The child will eventually, already, start hating himself because he can't get the love and attention he so desparately needs.

Do you have him signed up in sports, soccer, swimming, tennis, track, etc.  He has lots of energy that needs to be burned off in a healthy manner, as well as to build his self esteem.  You must decide if your boys have too much time on their hands right now.  And if they do, get them into activities now.  Let them equate blowing off energy with fun.

Their Dad and you must attend all of their parent teach conferences, band or play performances, games they are in.  They must know that they are this important to you.

Do you do family outings, like travel, camping out, scouts, biking together, picnics, the beach, fishing, playing volleyball with them, swimming, taking walks together, sharing stories about your lives that are entertaining for kids, doing artwork, building things etc.  These things all count as I love you and we can have fun together as a family.  Take your kids to movies that don't demonstrate violence.  Don't let them sit in front of the TV because it is a good babysitter.  Have specific shows and the rest of the time they must play outdoors.  Burn off energy.  make friends.  Teach them games to play with friends.  This aqll gives them healthy social skills.

I know this has been long winded.  But I think you have got the picture.  You must NOT be the policeman in your family.  This is your husband's job.  You can be a protecter and enforcer of his plan, but the kids know you are a step parent, not their real mother.  You don't have to replace her.  You only need to make sure the boys are safe, loved, happy, wanted, and that they must deal with their father if they break rules he has set down.  Good luck.
Avatar universal
Is Mark still married to his wife?  Are you and Mark married or just living together?  I am not clear on this.
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