See a therapist. First by yourself, then with your husband. The two of you have a problem together and have to decide what to to about it together, and it sounds like without a third party to help you, all you will do is fight about it.
- College students often fight with their mothers, whether or not the mom is a stepmom. It's a bitchy, hormonal and uncertain time of life.
- Be who you are for your stepsons, don't let her throw you off your stride. They will decide if what she is saying has any meaning to them.
- What the goal of the meeting(s) with the counselor would be, is to decide whether letting your stepdaughter come home and be a brat is a great idea for the family.
- Finally, in case you want to feel a little empathy, here is what she might be going through: her mom, who she loves and feels loyal to, is a hopeless mess, and you are not a hopeless mess, and she wishes her mom would have the things you have and be a person who is not a hopeless mess. You having her dad and being together, is not soothing to her, it throws her mom's problems into an even sharper relief. You represent the world her mom can't get. And she is a loyal daughter and identifies with her mother. It might be compared to how a woman feels who wants a child and can't get pregnant, and her best friend keeps getting pregnant with lovely, radiant, healthy babies. Her friend can't help it but it is not fun for the woman who wants a child so much.
I agree with everything you have said. Thank you for the advice. Unfortunately, her father does not agree with therapy. I have suggested it many times and it always gets rejected. I have tried for years to be understanding of her situation and her mother. I am just starting to feel defeated because even though I have always been supportive of her, her situation with her mother, the issues they have both had, she has continued to be hurtful and spiteful. I am coming to a point where I am having trouble trying with her. It may sound selfish but I am getting to the point where I am withdrawing from her because I need to worry about myself. I feel like I have no self respect when I continue to do for her and she is doing horrible things to me? How long can I, for lack of better words, "kiss her ***" while she writes about physically harming me, my appearance, my family, my character? It has been six years and I am becoming tired of "keeping the peace" in my own home.
"How long can I, for lack of better words, "kiss her ***" while she writes about physically harming me, my appearance, my family, my character? It has been six years and I am becoming tired of "keeping the peace" in my own home."............
Sounds like you need to just disengage from her as it is taking a toll on you. Physical threats? What does your husband think about that? How old is this stepdaughter? If she is making physical threats I would not take that lightly. Sounds like she shouldn't even be in your home. She is seething with anger, hurt and pain and it is manifesting into this appalling behavior.
Ideally, this stepdaughter needs to be in therapy ASAP and out of your home.
If your husband doesn't want to go to therapy......well, nothing much you can do about that. You should go by yourself as this situation definitely needs professional intervention (therapist) and perhaps legal intervention (physical threats).
Again......if she is making physical threats this needs to be addressed seriously and now.
You use the fact that "her father does not agree with therapy" as a way to blow off my first suggestion, which is get yourself some therapy. He does not have to go, but you need some, in order to cope. It's surprising what one person changing in a stubborn situation will do to all the other people in the same stubborn situation. Don't be stubborn about getting yourself some assistance. You will stubborn yourself into staying stuck.