Why the disrespect?

[Therealreasonis6]

So it is along story but to sum up for this situation:I have been with my fiancé for 11yrs, between the two of us there are four kids and two together. A total of six. Ranging in ages 22-9. Our 22YR(F) old(step) has graduated college and works in psychology,our 18yr(M) old(step) has graduated high school and been sworn into the Navey,15yr old (bio)(F)plays softball all year round and is very strong willed, 11yr(M) old (bio)is very helpful and a hell of a football player, the 9yr(M) old (bio)is super smart and is already an amazing pitcher.
Now our 16yr old (M)(step)is the trouble child. His mother isn't around and has only been as an in and out or when he gets mad mom. She tries to be his friend and talks down about me. She is an addict that can't hold a job and is very immature. She actually let him move back because he was mad at his dad which they let him do Constantly and she lives over 3hrs away she purchases for him 3 weed smoking tools a lighter and a sack of weed.
His father has recently taken a job that requires him to go out of state for weeks at a time. The Bio mother isn't in the real picture at the moment so that leaves me. I knew from the get he would not like living with me. It's not that I am a hard ***... Okay maybe I am a little. I've been there taking care of this kid since he was like 5yrs old.
Anyways, I've tried to be patient. I ask simple things clean your room come home after school, call to check in. Simple, he has put off listening to me. Yeah I do things a little drastically like if you have a basket of clean clothes fold them and put them away if you don't and leave them in the basket I will empty it out on the floor and regardless of dirty or clean you will wear them because I will not wash them again if they haven't been worn.
Well today was the last possible button he could push, coming home all the time high after his mother approved it not much I though I could do right? I mean his father and I are not technically married.
I get home and he's not even home his room is trashed there is laundry in the dryer and in a basket in his room. (Oops he knows the drill)then he Facebook messages his mom for a ride home(we live in a smaller town about 8 miles out)its quarter to ten and not once has he in anyway tried to contact me. He was specifically told to come straight home do the chores I asked and thoroughly do them. Nope not done, I finally find out his papa is bring him home but mad about it. His mom whom is 3hrs away gets his call not me.
Well I'm waiting outside, I've had enough, all of the other children respect me and are very yes ma'am about it and I treat them all the same. Anyways, when they pull up I tell him to empty his pockets and leave his backpack on the porch go to his room and clean it he's grounded. He tells me I'm not his guardian and one call to his mom and he won't live here anymore. I tell him you can call your mom but this is where you chose to live and I won't play this back and forth. He then proceeds to empty his backpack on the ground okay I don't have to pick it up. He again mentions that I'm not legally anything to him (keep in mind,I register all the kids for school,I pay for physical, haircuts, I am the one and the only one at the concerts the sports activities, I feed them.. I am literally the only person he has that is around and drug/alcohol free. That wants to be his parent) I tell him you are right legally I am not your parent, however you are 16 and I am an adult and you will not disrespect me. I am I charge not you. He says to me "I WILL DISRESPECT YOU WHEN AND IF I WANT". I held my cool until then. I said this is not debatable you are grounded. He tells me so it won't last long, I reply I am not your mother or father and you don't scare me. You are grounded until your room is picked up. You will not come out of this room except to use the restroom eat and go to school. I am not your friend I am the adult and the only adult under this roof that is willing to fight for you and not let you be a waste. I will give random and I will have you put in juvey if you bring drugs into this house, come home high or just be high in general.
I am the adult and I will be treated with respect and kindness. You will not be running to your mom's because you don't like the rules and we can call both your mom and dad together,if they say that it's okay for you to act and treat me they way you are you will still follow my rules until either your dad comes home or your mom shoes up because I do not care what they say you are 16 and will not do as you please. Do not think you will be off this in one day you are grounded until I say and if you chose to not come home after school you will be called in as a runaway and I will request you be drug tested and taken in the weekend.
He can hate me all he wants, if my kids any one of them do not hate me at least once I must not be parenting right.
I have been raising him since he was five, why do I feel like he is the only child I am being a bad parent to? I love all my children and I do not view any of my step-children as not biologically mine. I am the only one any of my kids have had literally there for them.
Was I wrong?should I just let it go? I mean I can't now I set my foot down but should I have? Why is it just one kid put of six treats me like this? Is it wrong to be thinking of smacking him in the head?

[UnsureMS]

Good Afternoon sorry for the late response I do think that someone needs to put their foot down. It is not good for a child to go back and forth between homes only when they want. This means that they know they can get away with whatever they desire, because to get out of trouble is just a phone call away. I dont believe that you are a bad parent and honestly I dont believe he is a bad kid. However both of you are in a hard situation. His father needs to get involved and stand by you. You both need to keep him away from his mother if you feel she is a bad influence or allowing him to get away with to much.

In the end sometimes tough love makes things better and helps a child realize their potentially but honestly at the age he is if he never has had that structure you maybe in for a long ride. I think you are in a situation that is really going to take him realizing that he needs to straighten up because you love him. Have ya tried sitting him down and talking to him about what he wants for himself, and what makes him act out. Is he close to his older siblings and maybe they can mentor him and be there for him. These are just a few suggestions, but if you, his father, and mother arent on the same page none of these things may work. This must be killing you inside.

As for the drug issue if it is a major concern you may want to get him help with it. I wish I could give you some good advice on this but my parents smoke marijuana and always just advice my brother and me to come home to do it with them if we were going to. Simply because anywhere else it could be laced. The marijuana was never an issue. I never wanted to do it because I didnt see the need. All other drugs they told us horror stories about and we paid attention and stayed away. However your son is under a different situation and needs help before he ruins his life.

Please, try to refrain from physical discipline simply because at his age it wont be taken in the same manner as if it would have when he was younger. If you smack him upside the head which I know you probably want to and feel like it would help, it may just turn him further from you and cause him to lash out more. He sounds like a child that would be perfect for the scared straight program. Do they have something like that where you live? If so look into it before it is to late, and just try to work along side his dad to help him before he ends up somewhere he doesnt want to be.

GOOD LUCK....