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Step One

"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol--that our lives had become unmanageable."

     "Who cares to admit complete defeat?  Practically no one, of course.  Every natural instinct cries out against the idea of personnal powerlessness.  It is truly awful to admit that, glass in hand, we have warped our minds into such an obsession for destructive drinking  that only an act of Providence can remove it from us.
      No other kind of bankruptcy is like this one.  Alcohol, now become the rapacious creditor,  bleeds us of all self-sufficiency and all will to resist its demands.  Once this stark fact is accepted, our bankruptcy as going human concerns is complete."
     Taken from the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions  pg21

This is the only step that mentions alcohol.  The word alcohol can be substituted for whatever our drug of choice may be.  I tend to share more about alcohol because that was my DOC although I took pills, smoked pot and did speed.  The important things to look at however are the powerlessness and unmanageabilty  brought on by our DOC.  

I have a hard time recalling a time where I had one drink and then stopped.  I never even really thought much about it,  I just did it.  I used to kid myself and believe that would go to the bar and hove only three.  Every now and then I could pull that one off but not often.  I usually brought more beer home and drank that or got stoned.  My body would often "give up" (that's fancy for pass out) before I would have a desire to stop.  I did this for quite awhile.  Progressing to larger quantities and harder liquor.  The point being--once I put alcohol into my body I could not stop.

My drinking caused me to miss days of work due to hangovers.  When I would show up I would be very unproductive.  I often would have headaches and not feel well.  I would be iritable towards others and just want people to leave me alone.  Other people would have to carry the weight that I couldn't.  I had a hard time being tolerant with my wife.  Our relationship due to drinking and drugging was rocky at best.  My abuse caused me to make poor decisions.  Decisions that would get me in trouble or hurt.  I eventually was out of work due to an accident.  This was after partying for four days straight.  If my head wasn't in a fog would have still been in the same position that got me hurt?  I don't know.  I am sure that the partying didn't help any.  I would often miss out on family stuff.  When I would go I couldn't wait to leave because they were interfering with my drinking.

Whenever I have a tough day I try to remember where my drinking and drugging got me.  It helps me to surrender all over again.  Admitting that I am powerless and unmanageable.  Going back to my bottom so that I can let go of my disease and be granted the power to continue soberly.  Thanks for letting me share.  God Bless!!
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