Aa
getting over abuse and neglect
Getting over abuse and neglect in recovery used to be pushed aside as an outside issue. It is not playing doctor to talk about healing these important issued. We all have them to some degree. It is more properly caring and sharing our recovery. Abuse is all too often a misunderstood, denied and neglected topic in recovery. Some of us do not want to bring it up while others make it the focus of their lives. As addicts, we have all suffered abuse in one way or another. Any event, action or feeling that helped to chip away at our self-esteem, faith, or trust in others is abuse. Part of the disease of addiction is our lack of perspective and balance. When approaching this topic, we need to take special care in trying to find a middle ground. Some reactions to physical, emotional and sexual abuse and neglect may include incest, domestic violence and symptoms of trauma. These different and varied reactions develop to avoid the pain of abuse and are the secondary phase of the problem. As addicts in recovery, we want to be able to enter a phase of healing as soon as possible. We seek to do this before our disease begins to set up house and makes us believe these horrors are what we deserve. This process began when we were little kids and did not know it was different in other families.
The ability to deal effectively with abuse issues will come in time. Part of your recovery will deal with abuse. Although surrendering, believing in our sanity, and allowing God to care for us will give us time to realize our assets and liabilities, we need to take special care here. Many of us remind ourselves that God will not give us more than we can handle. An aspect of our personality that is not defective and does not need to change immediately is the one that is keeping us from the repetition of a painful experience. We may need to deal with our past pain before the aspect ceases to have a function and becomes a defect. As we begin to feel and remember things that have happened to us, we often feel overwhelmed. Most times, we are not ready to do this right away so we do not need to push ourselves. Everything will come when we are ready to cope. We learn the tools to deal with these issues from other addicts who have been through similar experiences.
Sometimes, we may find these issues coming up for us and we continue to deny their value, therefore, the pain continues to eat us from the inside out. Often we have to hit a bottom in this before we can bring ourselves up to a point of admitting that we need to deal with this issue. We must continue to follow the program, no matter what.
One addict shared: "Abandonment reaches down to the depths of my soul. The pain it created tormented me for years. When I was being told that I was stupid, ugly, and not worth loving, I couldn't understand why they hugged me, kissed me, and told me to have sweet dreams. I was very confused.
"Then while the sexual abuse happened, I was too afraid to tell my parents because I didn't want to feel ‘thrown away’ again. So to me it was safer to stay in that familiar pain rather than risk my parents throwing me out like an old doll."
Too often, our fear of trusting others keeps us in denial. If we didn't learn to trust as children, we must learn to trust ourselves and others now. We need other people to do this. We do this the same way that we learn about any other subject - we open our minds. We allow ourselves to get curious. We collect information and ask questions of anyone who might have our answers. We set up a learning experience. We keep trying out new things until we find something that works for us.
Sometimes, our painful experiences are rooted in family problems. Problems occur in all families regardless of the culture, income level or social status. Many times, we have thought that if we could just separate ourselves from our families, we would be okay. We are still sick inside. Circumstances that we experienced in childhood have resurfaced in marriage and other adult relationships. We may find ourselves attracted to abusive partners simply because that is the role that we learned growing up. We will remain in the cycle of abuse after getting in recovery if we do not take action to change it.
The cycle of violence repeats itself until broken. The original violence can be in the form of physical, sexual, emotional, or mental abuse as well as a combination of these. The violent reactions come out primarily as power and control issues. Many addicts, whether using or clean, fall into this pattern. This behavior is familiar to them because they were controlled or abused in their past. This disease tells us that we need to find someone to take care of us so that we do not have to be responsible. When we do not take responsibility for ourselves, we give others power and control over us. We have the choice. We do not have to be the victim anymore. This is another form of dependency and we learn that it does not matter whether it is on drugs or on people. We need to grow up and become independent. We must teach people how to treat us appropriately. People will treat you the way that you allow them to treat you.
Unconsciously, we maintain our pain by seeking out destructive relationships and situations. Sometimes we can not see the abuse going on because we are so accustomed to it in our lives. Our walls of denial are so high because we are our own worst critics. We fear and distrust ourselves and we think that others would be even more critical of us than we are of ourselves. Our negative self-image makes us think we can not change and that we are failures. If our parents, relatives or teachers were very critical of us, they reinforced some negative feelings in us towards ourselves. Because of our continuing cycle of pain in reaction to mental, physical and sexual abuse, we still suffer. These memories trigger common feelings and fears that are at the root of our disease: denial, anger, fear, guilt, shame, betrayal, low self-esteem, uniqueness and lack of acceptance.
One addict shared: "I was a victim of sexual abuse as a young child and learned to play the victim role to get what I wanted. As life went on, a lack of trust reminds me of the fact that I should not allow anyone to use or exploit me.
"The hopelessness that I feel because of being on the outside looking in is hard on my partner. How can I as a victim pass on my experience, strength and hope and show you that you can live through it and grow?
"Recognizing our denial is a step in the right direction. I see the reality of the issue and the emotions it brings up. I work through the pain and see the insanity that I exposed myself to because of the pain. I believe that there can be a healing process, that there is hope!"
One important thing that we come to realize in recovery is that no one can abuse us unless we choose to allow it. Once we become conscious of our own patterns and personalities, we recognize when we are creating a situation. We assert ourselves and act to end the situation before it starts. With each healthy choice and action that we make for ourselves, we get that much stronger and accepting. When we see that we can do this, our sense of self-worth grows. We become closer with God and we share more with others. We realize the importance of the Twelve Steps. We continue on the pathway of recovery with confidence.
Our disease does not want us to examine things clearly and encourages us to hide in the safety of blame. When we open-up, share, begin to sort through what happened and begin to forgive and accept, we disable our disease and break the cycle of guilt and shame. Step two, gaining a belief in a loving Higher Power, is very important here.
The ability to deal effectively with abuse issues will come in time. Part of your recovery will deal with abuse. Although surrendering, believing in our sanity, and allowing God to care for us will give us time to realize our assets and liabilities, we need to take special care here. Many of us remind ourselves that God will not give us more than we can handle. An aspect of our personality that is not defective and does not need to change immediately is the one that is keeping us from the repetition of a painful experience. We may need to deal with our past pain before the aspect ceases to have a function and becomes a defect. As we begin to feel and remember things that have happened to us, we often feel overwhelmed. Most times, we are not ready to do this right away so we do not need to push ourselves. Everything will come when we are ready to cope. We learn the tools to deal with these issues from other addicts who have been through similar experiences.
Sometimes, we may find these issues coming up for us and we continue to deny their value, therefore, the pain continues to eat us from the inside out. Often we have to hit a bottom in this before we can bring ourselves up to a point of admitting that we need to deal with this issue. We must continue to follow the program, no matter what.
One addict shared: "Abandonment reaches down to the depths of my soul. The pain it created tormented me for years. When I was being told that I was stupid, ugly, and not worth loving, I couldn't understand why they hugged me, kissed me, and told me to have sweet dreams. I was very confused.
"Then while the sexual abuse happened, I was too afraid to tell my parents because I didn't want to feel ‘thrown away’ again. So to me it was safer to stay in that familiar pain rather than risk my parents throwing me out like an old doll."
Too often, our fear of trusting others keeps us in denial. If we didn't learn to trust as children, we must learn to trust ourselves and others now. We need other people to do this. We do this the same way that we learn about any other subject - we open our minds. We allow ourselves to get curious. We collect information and ask questions of anyone who might have our answers. We set up a learning experience. We keep trying out new things until we find something that works for us.
Sometimes, our painful experiences are rooted in family problems. Problems occur in all families regardless of the culture, income level or social status. Many times, we have thought that if we could just separate ourselves from our families, we would be okay. We are still sick inside. Circumstances that we experienced in childhood have resurfaced in marriage and other adult relationships. We may find ourselves attracted to abusive partners simply because that is the role that we learned growing up. We will remain in the cycle of abuse after getting in recovery if we do not take action to change it.
The cycle of violence repeats itself until broken. The original violence can be in the form of physical, sexual, emotional, or mental abuse as well as a combination of these. The violent reactions come out primarily as power and control issues. Many addicts, whether using or clean, fall into this pattern. This behavior is familiar to them because they were controlled or abused in their past. This disease tells us that we need to find someone to take care of us so that we do not have to be responsible. When we do not take responsibility for ourselves, we give others power and control over us. We have the choice. We do not have to be the victim anymore. This is another form of dependency and we learn that it does not matter whether it is on drugs or on people. We need to grow up and become independent. We must teach people how to treat us appropriately. People will treat you the way that you allow them to treat you.
Unconsciously, we maintain our pain by seeking out destructive relationships and situations. Sometimes we can not see the abuse going on because we are so accustomed to it in our lives. Our walls of denial are so high because we are our own worst critics. We fear and distrust ourselves and we think that others would be even more critical of us than we are of ourselves. Our negative self-image makes us think we can not change and that we are failures. If our parents, relatives or teachers were very critical of us, they reinforced some negative feelings in us towards ourselves. Because of our continuing cycle of pain in reaction to mental, physical and sexual abuse, we still suffer. These memories trigger common feelings and fears that are at the root of our disease: denial, anger, fear, guilt, shame, betrayal, low self-esteem, uniqueness and lack of acceptance.
One addict shared: "I was a victim of sexual abuse as a young child and learned to play the victim role to get what I wanted. As life went on, a lack of trust reminds me of the fact that I should not allow anyone to use or exploit me.
"The hopelessness that I feel because of being on the outside looking in is hard on my partner. How can I as a victim pass on my experience, strength and hope and show you that you can live through it and grow?
"Recognizing our denial is a step in the right direction. I see the reality of the issue and the emotions it brings up. I work through the pain and see the insanity that I exposed myself to because of the pain. I believe that there can be a healing process, that there is hope!"
One important thing that we come to realize in recovery is that no one can abuse us unless we choose to allow it. Once we become conscious of our own patterns and personalities, we recognize when we are creating a situation. We assert ourselves and act to end the situation before it starts. With each healthy choice and action that we make for ourselves, we get that much stronger and accepting. When we see that we can do this, our sense of self-worth grows. We become closer with God and we share more with others. We realize the importance of the Twelve Steps. We continue on the pathway of recovery with confidence.
Our disease does not want us to examine things clearly and encourages us to hide in the safety of blame. When we open-up, share, begin to sort through what happened and begin to forgive and accept, we disable our disease and break the cycle of guilt and shame. Step two, gaining a belief in a loving Higher Power, is very important here.
THREAD OF GUILT
To maintain our diet of accustomed pain, we may begin to abuse ourselves later in life. Our low self-esteem decreases to the point where we allow the abuse to continue because we feel unworthy of anything different. This is a sick form of validation or attention-seeking behavior. We came to believe that if we didn't punish ourselves or justify our punishments, that it might mean our parents punished us unjustly. Somehow, the child within would rather suffer the ‘safe’ pain of abuse than the ‘great’ fear of abandonment that the feeling of hatred or indifference from a parent would mean.
Another addict shared: "This is such a very tough emotional and painful issue for me. I am fortunate that I did not remember the sexual abuse until I was eight months into recovery. There are so many emotions. I have anger at my abusers and myself. I feel betrayed because the grown-ups who were supposed to protect me did not believe or protect me. I have shame at being a victim. I experience guilt over allowing the abusers to abuse me. I feel dirty because I was a four-year-old ‘whore.’ I have low self-esteem because I feel like I am dirty and not good for any man. I even have a fear of facing and dealing with it in order to get past it and get on with my recovery.
"Since then, I have had to face it. It is everywhere. How can I run from it? Do I have to face it now? What did I do to deserve this? These questions haunted me for months. I could run by using. Yes, I have to face it now. If I suppress my feelings, they will get me later and will probably only be more painful. I did nothing to deserve it. I was four years old when it started. As I grew older, I sexually abused myself. I can look back now with seventeen months clean and see how the child in me worked with my disease. I learned to use what I had between my legs to get the drugs and people I needed. I figured that if I were a '*****', I'd be the best damned one around. That way I could tell the men who came back for more that they bored me. It gave me the power to use and abuse men. The joy I got from watching them beg me for sex was sick.
"This issue has now caused problems in my marriage. I was doing my ‘wifely duty’ to keep my husband happy despite how badly I felt afterwards. This self-sacrificing has to stop.
"I can't talk about this with my husband. I shared about it at a meeting where both men and women were present. I was afraid of their reactions but I was suffering more. Their reactions were so diverse and I discovered that I was not alone or unique. They told me that I would be okay; I would heal in my Higher Power's time. They told me that many of my fellow addicts are here for me, supporting and loving me. I can now go to the healing process.
"The healing process may very well be painful but I am open to it. I have no idea how it will actually work other than through prayer, sharing with fellow addicts whose lives this issue also affects, and working the steps."
The thread of guilt that we carry because of abuse weaves through our lives so totally that we may be unable to trace its origins. While we rationalize our role in a situation to avoid guilt, reality allows us to know that we really were victims in instances of child abuse or molestation. Many of us addicts have abuse and neglect issues that affect our recovery in one way or another. We feel different. We feel unique. We feel no one will understand. We feel alone and lost. We also fear rejection. Fear and low self-esteem control us. Because of our inability to trust anyone or anything, we isolate ourselves. We feel that this is something about which people do not talk. We try to bury it as we always have in the past. The abuse issue still haunts us because we cannot ‘will’ it away or ignore the pain. Many addicts with abuse issues feel hopelessly lost. We feel that we are unable to own our feelings or ourselves. More importantly, we believe that we are unable to own our recovery. All we knew how to do was numb ourselves and medicate our feelings. Once in recovery, we can no longer do this. We are no longer able to deny the feelings that surface. If we are going to recover, a healing process must take place. If not, the cycle of violence will not be broken. We will continually make ourselves the victim. Our recovery will continue to suffer because of our inability to move forward.
To maintain our diet of accustomed pain, we may begin to abuse ourselves later in life. Our low self-esteem decreases to the point where we allow the abuse to continue because we feel unworthy of anything different. This is a sick form of validation or attention-seeking behavior. We came to believe that if we didn't punish ourselves or justify our punishments, that it might mean our parents punished us unjustly. Somehow, the child within would rather suffer the ‘safe’ pain of abuse than the ‘great’ fear of abandonment that the feeling of hatred or indifference from a parent would mean.
Another addict shared: "This is such a very tough emotional and painful issue for me. I am fortunate that I did not remember the sexual abuse until I was eight months into recovery. There are so many emotions. I have anger at my abusers and myself. I feel betrayed because the grown-ups who were supposed to protect me did not believe or protect me. I have shame at being a victim. I experience guilt over allowing the abusers to abuse me. I feel dirty because I was a four-year-old ‘whore.’ I have low self-esteem because I feel like I am dirty and not good for any man. I even have a fear of facing and dealing with it in order to get past it and get on with my recovery.
"Since then, I have had to face it. It is everywhere. How can I run from it? Do I have to face it now? What did I do to deserve this? These questions haunted me for months. I could run by using. Yes, I have to face it now. If I suppress my feelings, they will get me later and will probably only be more painful. I did nothing to deserve it. I was four years old when it started. As I grew older, I sexually abused myself. I can look back now with seventeen months clean and see how the child in me worked with my disease. I learned to use what I had between my legs to get the drugs and people I needed. I figured that if I were a '*****', I'd be the best damned one around. That way I could tell the men who came back for more that they bored me. It gave me the power to use and abuse men. The joy I got from watching them beg me for sex was sick.
"This issue has now caused problems in my marriage. I was doing my ‘wifely duty’ to keep my husband happy despite how badly I felt afterwards. This self-sacrificing has to stop.
"I can't talk about this with my husband. I shared about it at a meeting where both men and women were present. I was afraid of their reactions but I was suffering more. Their reactions were so diverse and I discovered that I was not alone or unique. They told me that I would be okay; I would heal in my Higher Power's time. They told me that many of my fellow addicts are here for me, supporting and loving me. I can now go to the healing process.
"The healing process may very well be painful but I am open to it. I have no idea how it will actually work other than through prayer, sharing with fellow addicts whose lives this issue also affects, and working the steps."
The thread of guilt that we carry because of abuse weaves through our lives so totally that we may be unable to trace its origins. While we rationalize our role in a situation to avoid guilt, reality allows us to know that we really were victims in instances of child abuse or molestation. Many of us addicts have abuse and neglect issues that affect our recovery in one way or another. We feel different. We feel unique. We feel no one will understand. We feel alone and lost. We also fear rejection. Fear and low self-esteem control us. Because of our inability to trust anyone or anything, we isolate ourselves. We feel that this is something about which people do not talk. We try to bury it as we always have in the past. The abuse issue still haunts us because we cannot ‘will’ it away or ignore the pain. Many addicts with abuse issues feel hopelessly lost. We feel that we are unable to own our feelings or ourselves. More importantly, we believe that we are unable to own our recovery. All we knew how to do was numb ourselves and medicate our feelings. Once in recovery, we can no longer do this. We are no longer able to deny the feelings that surface. If we are going to recover, a healing process must take place. If not, the cycle of violence will not be broken. We will continually make ourselves the victim. Our recovery will continue to suffer because of our inability to move forward.
this is great; hope you keep it comin'
annabel
annabel
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