Should she decrease visits to her husband of fifty years after his stroke?

[otto99]

My mother-in-law's (she's 76 years old)  husband (he's 77)  suffered a stroke 2 years ago. 80 percent of what he says is jibberish, though if one understands his "language" one can figure out what he means. However, he does understand what's being said most of the time.
He is currently in a nursing home and being treated for extreme depression (counseling, meds).
For the first year, she was there every day. But as he deteriorated (he has a myriad of other health issues, including chf and polymyalgia) he became angrier. Now, when they are alone he blames her for him being there;
And says she doesn't want him anymore. He feels he has no purpose. It is a daily on-slot of stress and pain for her. When someone else is there, he doses off or looks out the window disengaged.
All he wants is to come home, and that is impossible.
His condition: 276 lbs, Wheelchair-bound, incontinent, severe boils on the arms and legs, severe water retention. Patient lift used to move him.  And the long-term prognosis doesn't look promising.
     About my MiL: Has raised four children, Has never been on a vacation, a four-time cancer survivor, Currently babysits her grandson (working mother), Took care of her husband after his knees went bad and after he broke his hip.
I had told her that when he becomes angry and abusive to tell him she loves him but if he doesn't stop she'll see him tomorrow. Then leave. This is difficult for her to do.
But the anger is continuous. I've seen her at the nursing home and at home in tears stressed over how she's supposed to act and cope.  And she's guilt-ridden about not seeing him.
I finally told her that she should cut her visits down,......to 3 or 4 days a week. She needs time away from the stress.
I don't know if this was the best approach.  I can see her growing increasingly tired and weak over this.
If someone has a better approach or advice I'd appreciate the input.

[specialmom]

That is very hard!  I'm sorry to hear this is going on in your family.  This has to be awful for you all.  It is hard on many levels probably for your mother in law. She married him and takes her vow for better or worse seriously, she had hopes and dreams and feels obligated but also duty bound out of love for him.  The truth is as well, if you do not as family members make regular visits to loved ones in nursing care, they often receive less than care by staff.  I'd want to check often too to make sure he was being tended to.  But agree that it is so difficult.  If you or your husband and other family promise to take days she doesn't go so that he has a family member in her place, maybe she would cut down her visits.  But she definitely needs some care of her own.  What kind of outside outlets does she have?  Church group? friends? hobbies she enjoys?  I'd encourage her to participate as much as possible in those things too.  AND, perhaps there is a counselor at the nursing home that will talk to your mother in law.  I think you had a great suggestion for a boundary for her in terms of his behavior and leaving if he is not being under control (even though he probably has very little control over this at this point).  Let me know how it is going!