1390847 tn?1344657468

Cant take it

Ive been sitting in my room all weeked with a knife in my hand.  I cant take this.  I hate this world.  My life isnt really bad at all...i just absolutly hate everything.  I feel like ****.  especially becuase i have this boyfriend who is a great guy....he doesnt deserve me....i wish i could be the stability and happiness in his life but no matter how hard i try...i cant....i feel like hes going to just get rid of me one day because he cant deal with all my ****....i hate myself...i hate myself with the rawest form of hatred.  if i had acess to a gun i would shoot myself without hesitation.  im weak.  i want to have a happy life and believe me ive tried for sooooo long.  it doesnt work.  i was put on this earth and i wasnt meant to be happy. i want to die i wish i was dead i cant go on any longer.  i absolutly positivly cant go on with my life like this.  i have sought help...but nothing helps.  was i meant to die? should i die?? why is there no hope...why has my life turned out to be this...im only 17....why was i meant to have so much struggle...why am i even alive
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Avatar universal
No, you shouldn't die, you are only 17 you have so much ahead of you. Is there a friend or someone close you can talk to, and get you some help.
I have felt like you do now many times and it does pass and life can get better but you have to give it a chance. Think of your family and friends and how much they would miss you.
Please talk to someone, a doctor, a friend, your boyfriend or parents, i am here too if you need to talk.
Helpful - 0
1390847 tn?1344657468
the one person i trusted 100% and has been my biggest supporter (my boyfriend) just told me that he doesnt know if we should be together anymore becuase he "feels responsible for me and he feels restricted".  we have been together for 2 years.  besides him...i cant talk to anyone about this...i have lost pretty much all my friends though my depression and hes the only one whos stuck by my side...until now.  i dont know what to do.
Helpful - 0
1416436 tn?1300317239
Hi Jess, it's me Christian. I want you to know that I've been trying to write back to you but I've been busy and I'm so sorry about that. I know that right now you feel like your life is falling apart bcause of your issues with your boyfriend but remember what I told you that I care for you and I want you to talk to someone whenever you have thoughts of wanting to hurt yourself. You were not meant to die and you will not die. As long as I'm alive I won't let you give up. And I want you to know that deep down inside I KNOW you were meant to live a long life. This is unfair to you and I wish I could make it better. You can talk to me all you want there's lots of ways we can chat whenever you feel sad or depressed and that goes for inneedofhelp82 as well. You say that you've lost pretty much all your friends because of your depression but you made at least one good friend within me because of it. And your depression won't drive me off ever. =]
Helpful - 0
1514613 tn?1385092718
It is interesting and in some way encouraging to see how many people have experienced suicidal thoughts, are still persevering and are willing to share in this forum.  I to have felt this way most of the time for the last 2-3 years.  I am a lawyer who has worked very hard and done well.  Life used to be easy.  Than it all fell apart for me emotionally and psychologically and professionally.  I couldn't cope.  Depression and anxiety overwhelmed me and I couldn't function.  I ended up checking myself into a hospital because I wanted so badly to end the pain and misery I felt in life.

I still struggle almost every day with the intense pressure and stress and most of the time pain and fear the life produces.  How often I've thought it would be better to end it cleanly and painlessly.

I'm glad I did that rather than acting on the intense feelings. There are moments in life that remind me--however fleetingly--that there are compelling reasons to live.  People.   Love.  Beauty.  Art.  And most of all for me, the friendship I've found in family and a couple of friends who have struggled with their own difficult experience.  It has made it worth being here.

I don't have all the answers, but I want to tell you what I think I've learned.  There is hope and help.  If you have parents or teachers or a counselor or a doctor or therapist you could go to, do it.  Take the risk.  You have nothing to lose except the fear of inaction.  Stay plugged in to this forum, as it looks like it is a source of love and warmth and connection with people who understand.  Try not to compare your insides to others' outsides.  We all do this, but realize that most people are hurting in some way and many people very deeply, just like you.  This is the fragile beauty of life.  I call it beautiful because of this.  The fact that you're still here, hanging on, and the fact that so many of us feel this immense pain and yet one of the things we fear if we're honest, is death.  The fact that we fear death is because at least subconsciously, we still love life.  You have something to add.

I'm glad I'm still here for my wife and daughters and other family and friends who love me.  I assure you there is someone in your life who would be devastated if you weren't here any more.  They love you.  People in this community love you.  There are things to look forward to in your life.

Thank you for sharing with us and giving us the opportunity to connect with you as human beings.  It enriches us.  We are better for having crossed your path in this life.  I have been dealing with some tremendous depression and anxiety today and feeling much the same as you.  Reading your struggle and seeing that you're still fighting is giving me the courage to keep going.  I hope that maybe my words will do this for you just today just 1%.  If they do, then my day is better and my reason for being here today is complete.  I wish for you some happiness.
Helpful - 0
1390847 tn?1344657468
Thank you, for your reply.
I'm sorry that you experience depression and anxiety/suicidal feelings.  It is unfair the quantity and quality of people who experience this.  Actually, I had been doing very well for a long time, but today have been very suicidal.  
The thing that keeps me going (sadly) is the embarassment.  The embarassment if I fail on suicide and then I have to live everday being watched by people.  I just have this immense and overwhelming feelings of not wanting to be myself anymore.  Sometimes I channel that productivly, and try and work on projects to keep myself busy and to boost my esteem.  But other times when depression takes over, the only thing on my mind is leaving the world.  I can't get over the fact that life seems unfair to me. That I am 17 and already experiencing so much pain, whats going to happen in the years to come? I have sought help and i dont feel its helped me to what i need.  I find connecting with others does help, but thats really hard for me.  I have just lost the 1 person who has supported me through everything.  And my friends, Im trying to reconnect but I just cant.  I feel lost.  Like i dont belong in this world.
Helpful - 0
1514613 tn?1385092718
I know exactly what you mean.  Take heart that you are not alone.   And this is not your fault.  I can relate vividly to your feeling about the future if the present is this bad.  We have to learn to live one day--one moment--at a time.  If there is a "secret," to feeling better it is that - not projecting our fears of the future (and regrets of the past).  By the way, depression and anxiety and suicidal feelings like this tend to be an attribute of deep thinkers, artists, intellectual people, etc.  You are not one of the surface people in life.  That is something to be glad for.

However bad you feel (and I know how intense it can be), take a few moments today to ask yourself what you do have to be thankful for and live for.  A gratitude list.  Is there anything you enjoy doing?  How do you spend your time?  Do you have a comfortable place to live and the necessities of life?  You have access to a computer and a community.  What still gives you pleasure?  Do you have any family?  Any friends?  Ok, how about acquaintances?  You've had friends in the past.  You will again.  You will.  There are so many other people out there hurting like you - and they could (and can) benefit from your experience....as I have.  One of the most profound things we can do in the process of finding some healing and feeling better ourselves, is helping someone else.  Believe me.  If our interaction has even the slightest potential to help you feel .1% better, than I am glad to have invested the time in corresponding with you.  If for that reason alone, I am glad I am still here today.  This is undeniable.  And it is the love and connection we still feel to our fellow humans.  I can't think of a more profound reason to live - even when life is very, very painful.

By the way, I know it ***** at a time like this to lose a boyfriend.  But do believe me when I tell you that you are young, and there will be others.  What you are going through is so common that almost everyone has gone through it in some way (that is the awful feeling of breaking up with someone they care about).  There will be someone better.

Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Yeah, 17 is way too young to be feeling like this.
But then again, I have been suffering severe depression my whole life.
All I can say is to be thankful for the things you have.
You are very good looking and you still have a long life ahead of you.
Life always seems uncertain, but that's what it's like for everyone.
Hurting yourself will only hurt others in the end.
I am sure you have a roof over your head, food to eat and a family that loves you.
Some people in the world have none of those things.
I am not saying that to make you feel guilty, but just be thankful and appreciate what you have.
I am 27 and I am still dealing with mixed up feelings, but my problem is genetic.
You are still a teen, so is it possible it could have some connection to hormones?
At least you are smart enough to talk about your problems, which some people never do and it gets worse for them.
I am sure you could find another boyfriend, and maybe one who is more supportive and caring too.
I know what it's like to not have any friends and feel isolated and like I have no purpose.
All I can do is encourage you to hold back on hurting yourself, because that will solve nothing, even though you feel that it will.
If you have a close relative, you should talk to them alone and just let it all out.
Like others have said, you are not alone and don't give up on yourself.
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