Feeling depressed

[Jaquta]

Hi.  Just thought I'd start another new post, else it takes ages to come through.
I feel pretty confident that I am depressed again.  May talk to my GP about it tomorrow.

[Jaquta]

We both know it's not the answer despite how bad we feel at times.
You won't just have three sessions and then be cured, that's not how it works.  Therapy is going to take months, maybe years.  Being realistic here.  That doesn't mean that your quality of life won't improve though.  It will.  Bit by bit.
I was wondering whether I needed to contact someone to contact you.  I'm glad I didn't though because that would have gotten messy.  I would have hated for you to have hurt yourself.  I probably would have felt responsible.

Anger's good as long as it's channelled appropriately.  It took me a long time of being angry before I started to see subtle changes.
Your mood may take a bit to lift too.  Doing stuff you enjoy on a regular basis should help.

Just go with what you feel able too.  You have already trusted him a great deal with information.  Being in a (slightly) safer environment is a good opportunity for you to explore how you feel more.
If you have safety issues you need to tell someone.  It doesn't have to be your T.  Someone at the facility.

It's evening here now.  I'm stressing a bit.  I was hoping Dr Gould may give me some advice before I saw my GP.  I'm not sure that that is going to happen and I am a bit anxious with how to tackle stuff with my GP.  I guess it will all work out in the end.

I hope therapy goes well for you this week.  If you need help with anxiety or safety make sure you ask and don't slog your way through it by yourself.  People are there to help you.  Use them.

Good luck and best wishes.

[inneedofhelp82]

I was thinking that way but i am still waiting in the hope this works, i am sorry if i worried you.
I am really angry and need to release it properly.
We went to the beach it was beautiful but i still felt depressed.
The safety issue will be a big thing for me this week and i don't feel i can tell my therapist, i don't feel i can tell him much to be honest.
I hope all is well with you, have a good day.

[Jaquta]

I care.  A lot of people here care.
In some respects I think it's good to vent your anger.  I think I needed to release some of my anger before I could move on.
Did you go to the beach?
It's understandable that you would feel stressed and depressed, etc.  And  tired after picking your daughter and her boyfriend up so late/ early.

Are you able to phone anyone for support?  I know your T and social worker won't be in yet but can you call someone else from the service.
Please go to the hospital before you do anything stupid.  Please don't hurt yourself.

If you're still up and reading this do you want to talk?  I'm going to be on for the next little bit then will check my e-mails.

I really hope you keep yourself safe.  Don't go down the other road it's not worth it.

J

[inneedofhelp82]

Its not your fault i just get really angry around that subject, anyway i'm not doing so good but anyway, i had a depressing day and then read the comments on the other forum making me feel worse but really who cares. I really enjoyed talking with you, thanks for all your support. I Hope you get all the support you need you truly deserve it. You take care too.

[Jaquta]

That does sound like a lot to prepare.  I know how stressed my sister can become just with one to cater for (two if you include the husband who is basically just another kid).  Calm is also bad for me too.  Sometimes though I am calm after a long, long period of unwellness or intense struggle.
I'm sorry I triggered you by using that word especially when you are trying to distance yourself from it and the work you need to do next week.  Sorry!
The other person was sounding much better.  I hope she is able to find something long-term though.

I should go.  My brother was going to call and won't be able to with me hogging the phone line.

Take care and be safe.

[inneedofhelp82]

Thankyou for that, i was afraid i would have upset you. I agree you have been mistreated and that other person too and i know i am lucky i have a support team. I know that other person was locked up regardless, i have been lucky even when i rang out of hours feeling suicidal they talked me down instead of admitting me.
I know everyone is entitled to say how they feel and that shouldn't change on here and you should feel totally free to vent when you feel really bad, i am here for you too, on here or by e-mail. I have really appreciated your support these last few months, and i know you feel so bad at times yourself but you have always supported me and it really helps.
I know that other person is really unwell and it made me really aware that if it triggered me then others could feel the same, but i agree she is unwell and should be able to talk freely on here as she doesn't have a good support either. Sometimes i am too sensitive and too easily set of. I have become quite withdrawn lately which is unlike me, my social worker thought i seemed calmer i said yeah maybe its the calm before the storm. What they don't get is, that when i am quiet and calm they should be more worried because when i am always in a crisis and calling them, then i am talking and i want help, when i am quiet i am just giving up.
I actually feel quite hurt by my therapist, i think so much of him and now i feel a bit let down, but then i think maybe i am wrong and its because i feel the way i do that i view him differently. I am glad he is doing the therapy if he would just stop mentioning the other therapy, but maybe he means in the future i hope.
I think the three sessions are just the beginning of it all i hope, i hope he doesn't think just do the three and pass me on, maybe i am worrying for nothing, i hope.
No, i can't ask for respite unless i was really bad but i am going there on Monday and i have so much to do, i am trying to have enough food in for my family and all the clothes washed and ironed, so much to do, but it helps distract me i suppose.
Thanks for all the support. I hope all is well with you.

[Jaquta]

You have every right to your thoughts and feelings.  I think maybe it isn't all that helpful for me either.  It brings back a lot of material from when I was unwell.  I don't think the stuff is to be agreed with, obviously it's written from an unwell perspective, but that's how we feel.  It's good if you haven't felt that degree of rejection from health professionals.
I personally don't believe in spiritual guides, etc although I have seen some TV programs and I am not ready to totally dismiss them.  I think instead of having a gift though some people are just plain unwell.  I don't believe in hurting oneself either and that theoretically that one should always seek assistance for overwhelming thoughts and feelings.  

No, we're not saying that.  We were saying that we had been misunderstood and been mistreated.  I think there are many good services out there and good people.  I think that I and that other person were just not a good mix for our service at that time.  A time when we were unwell and needed support and weren't given the support that would help us.  Only forced to accept support that made us worse.  I think your situation is totally different.  You have support, I don't.  Your treatment team listen to you and give you as much control as they deem safe (and probably a little more for good measure), that other person is never given that benefit.  They lock her up regardless.  That is unhealthy.  You have the most function treatment team out of all of us.

Talk to people.  Don't keep quiet.  I had noticed that you seemed to be engaging less.  I have also been a little preoccupied with some other posts plus I felt that someone was stalking me/ harassing me which was quite time-consuming.
I've probably let my issues bubble to the surface and I haven't been as careful to contain them.  Hearing someone else struggle almost felt as though I had permission to vent all the stuff nobody is there to listen to.  That I don't dare tell most people.

You talk to your T.  The not trusting is because of something that has happened and needs to be explored in therapy.  I have times when I don't trust either.  Usually it is because I feel hurt or because I don't feel as strong a connection with that person.

I think maybe the stress of everything.  I think you're hurting as much as we are, perhaps more.  You feel a little more raw at this time.

Talk to me about how bad you feel if you want.  You can send it to my e-mail address if you want.  I can cope with it.  You also need to talk to your T, etc.  Can you ask for respite over the weekend?

Talk to me ...

[inneedofhelp82]

No, you didn't chase me away, my mind is other places these days. That other stuff is a really big trigger for me as i really don't agree with alot of the stuff, I understand everyone is different and has different experiences so i probably don't have the right to say that but i am struggling to keep myself safe as maybe alot of others are and to read that, its like saying there is no help available anywhere and if that is the case then i may as well kill myself before i waste my therapists time next week. If there is no hope then i may as well go now. I am hanging on by a very thin thread these days and i am keeping it all underneath as to not upset anyone. I can't trust my therapist enough to tell him how i feel, i know i have support but it doesn't mean i don't feel really bad and well where do i turn now. Anyway, maybe my mind is already made up i just need a little push in the direction i am going, its a nice day for a drive, i'm not sure why i'm so angry now and feeling unstable.

[Jaquta]

It is going to be hard for you once a lot of your difficult stuff is brought out into the open.

Me too.

The suicide thread seems to have been continued on the mh expert forum.  If you wanted to keep posting there or add your thoughts you should.  I almost feel like I chased you away.  You know you can post there if you want, don't you.
Maybe staying away is also healthier as some of it could be quite stressful to hear especially if you're looking to do some intense therapy shortly.  I write because I don't have that support.  Which isn't healthy.  I'm not healthy.

Just wanted to make sure that you were OK with whatever.

[inneedofhelp82]

I was with my social worker today and she said that the sessions will be very intense and i am expected to talk in detail about what happens so she said three sessions will be enough, she said that they have to keep it safe for me, so i understand it more now. I am planning to come home on Wednesday i have a course i go to and my baby goes to the playgroup there and the health visitor is coming to assess my three yr old so i want to be at home for that, so my therapist said he will either come out on the Tuesday or Thursday instead, we talked to him as we were leaving, his office is in the same building where i see the social worker.
I feel strange with him at times but i need to remind myself he has always been there for me and he is trying to help and i would rather talk to him than somebody i didn't know.
Its really warm today its strange because it has been cold for so long.
I feel slightly calmer these days but i think its because of the therapy on Monday, they said not to put all my hopes on it that i should view it has just the beginning and not the cure to it all. I said its probably the calm before the storm.
My social worker said she will also call out on Monday evening after the first session and the staff there will be aware of why i am there and she said if they feel its not safe for me to go home they won't allow me, that makes me anxious.
I usually feel better at night, the mornings are my worst i am unbearable to listen to and i feel so stressed.
I hope you have a good day.

[Jaquta]

I actually feel OK today.  I usually feel most distressed at the end of the day.
Could you just feel a lack of connection with your T.  I know when that happens with me I find it hard.  It could be due to my GP going on leave.  Real basic stuff like that.  Or not not feeling like I have been heard.  Sometimes it takes a bit to feel that connection again.

[inneedofhelp82]

I have replied to your other post on the expert forum here.
I guess you said all that because its bothering you, and i understand your frustration, i think professionals do care but they don't show it really well. Its unfair that they haven't given you support and now you feel worse. I agree hospital's aren't the best place but as you have told me they are the safest place sometimes and if you feel that bad maybe you should go there for your own safety.
Maybe you will get your review soon, hopefully.
I had my therapist today, our relationship is not the same i don't know why, it is really bothering me. I opened up alot to my social worker last week and i think she told him alot of things so he is referring me back to the other therapy not now but in the future. I really wish i felt the same with him, i don't want to go on Monday and if he is only coming to see me three times i won't be staying the week, i will go mad with the boredom alone but he had no understanding he said bring your i-pod and some books. I feel like he doesn't care anymore and that was what always made our relationship workable because i felt he understood and cared, also he said some stuff about the referral to social services which wasn't true i never said that stuff, i never asked him to contact them. I don't know if he is the right therapist or not, he wants me to remain hopeful that i have the other therapy again after this, but i'm not, i'm frustrated.
I'm not suicidal these days for a while anyway. I was at my course it finished tonight i felt quite sad, i will miss them, we have our presentation night in June so i will see them then.
I hope you feel better today. Talk with your doctor or whoever can help.

[Jaquta]

I'm feeling pretty stressed and aren't feeling that well.  Perhaps Dr Gould's response to the post about cutting equally applied to me.
I'm too tired to care and to deal with this right now.  Maybe tomorrow?

[inneedofhelp82]

Yeah i will post here from now on, i read the other one first so i replied there too. No, i have had panic attacks from i was 18 after the birth of my daughter, and then i became argraphobic, then developed OCD, then panic disorder, then i was assaulted and now have PTSD and the newest addition major depressive disorder. I don't know your age its not on your profile, i remember reading once that you had deleted your stuff i can't remember why.
I hope it goes well at the doctors, have a good day.

[Jaquta]

I think we should continue talking here and not in the other forum.
No, I thought I was OK.  Was surprised when I was told the diagnosis.  The surgeon also said it was rare in someone my age.  I'm not quite a dinosaur yet.  Even if I do feel like one.
Blood taken from the artery can be painful.  I had that done when I had severe asthma.
Did you panic start with the hospital?

I have to go get ready for my doctors appointment.  Still haven't done anything today and it is 10.30 am.  Yikes.

[inneedofhelp82]

I reckon they are both scary, you had time to take your illness in, mine happened so suddenly. I remember this, i was at work on the Saturday night in the nightclub, i was breathless and sick but i was 6 weeks pregnant so i thought it was that, the pain started on the Tuesday evening and at midnight i went to out of hours doctor, then he knew straight away something was wrong and he sent me to the medical team who took blood form an atery in my wrist i was so scared anyway i had to wait an hour, then they came back and said i had to stay that something was wrong, my partner had to go home as my youngest was only a year old and we were afraid he would wake up looking for us. Three days i waited for them to find out i was in so much pain i overdosed on pain relief then they wouldn't give me any more. On the Thursday the doctor planned the scans for the next day and i had to fast but i hadn't eaten in three days anyway. The morning came and the ultrasound of my gall bladder was normal so he told me they would have to do a CT scan and inject dye into my vein there was a risk i would lose the baby but if i didn't have it done there was a 1 in 3 chance i would die, so in i went go it done and an hour later they told me i had a blood clot on my right lung and i also had pnuemoina so i was alot sicker than they thought, i was tranferred to a medical ward and i was sick every 15 minutes or so, they gave me an anti-sickness injection and i reacted badly to it, i couldn't even get up in the bed and i panicked. This was Friday by now and i had lost 10lb in weight and they put me on a drip for two days, but i spent the Saturday in tears because the week before i was at work all normal and that week everything changed so much and i had to get injections to stay alive. I got home on the Monday though and was taken back in three weeks later i was allergic to the medication, so another week in hospital but the medication worked well and i made friends with a woman who was 66yrs old and she died 4 months later it was so sad, i got a second chance and she didn't. You would think i wouldn't be suicidal after all that, if it were only that simple. I don't know where all that came from, but i think your are amazingly strong to come through breast cancer and i hope you continue to stay well. I hope you have a good day.

[Jaquta]

Probably not as scary as a blood clot either.

[Jaquta]

It makes sense.  It helps you with motivation and courage.
I haven't had any tests done.  Probably but not sure.

I was actually happy.  They said I would need x many weeks of radiation at this other centre.  It was probably a bit like going away for respite for a period.  It was pretty sad and stressful though.

[inneedofhelp82]

Yeah, me too everytime i go to my therapist he asked how have you been i always say fine or ok, i am fed up saying that i want to go in and scream at him, what do you think? Would i be here if all was ok. Not a good day, and the neighbor's are adding to the stress, they are so stuck up and seem to have a dislike for my children, one neighbor greased the fence, the other one complained about them playing football, and today the polish child called for my son but he was getting his dinner when he went to call for hi, his father chased and was really rude, it makes me so angry, there are 17 houses where i live and only 4 houses have children the rest are just people with lots of money and no manners. My children don't even bother them if they did i would understand.
I need to try and forget about everyone that week or it will make it worse. I realised today that its eaiser for me to have everyone angry at me because when i go to escape this its better if everyone hates me already, does that make sense?
Are you totally clear from cancer now, i think i asked that before. That must have been a really scary time.
I hope you have a good day.

[Jaquta]

My mother seems to think that work is the solution to my problems.
I don't feel that working, without pay, for them, is all that helpful though.  Just makes me feel even more depressed and leaves me feeling trapped in a dead-end situation.  In order to be able to work though I feel like I need to address my issues.
She thinks any work.  But right now I can barely function, let alone hold down a job.

Your mother might understand due to the assault (but then she may just blame you anyway).  My parents understood, or exaggerated, about me having breast cancer treatment.  Which in regards to my mh issues was minimal.  They sympathize for cancer but alienate me for stuff that hurts me and my quality of life everyday.

My mother couldn't understand how when I was depressed I found it a huge effort to walk say about 50 m and turn a tap off.

I would go and forget about your kids for the duration of that time.  You need to focus on you and getting yourself well.  Your kids will cope.

If anyone ever asks I am always OK, fine, good or great.  Take your pick.

[inneedofhelp82]

I had a strange time talking with my mum she is so not interested in helping me, she has no understanding of me at all, i told her i was going away for a week to get help with depression i didn't tell her the truth as there is alot of stuff she doesn't know including what happened last year, anyway she said to treat depression i need to take medication and get out of the house more, as simple as that. She hasn't a clue i said ok, and she said what about my children, leaving them for a week for what? I feel bad enough leaving them but she has no idea how bad i feel, but if i can't get control i won't be able to be here for them at all.
I will know in a week or so the results of the test.
Families are strange in general i wouldn't even know where to begin with my mother.
I hope all is well with you.

[Jaquta]

My family are and they aren't.  They don't understand me or the illness.

You do have the freedom to do all, can't you see that?

The doc should answer your post soon.  I hope your tests turn out alright.

[inneedofhelp82]

I like the way you can see both the good and the bad in your life you have a balance, which is good, i know its not good to be so negative so if you can see good in yourself i guess thats half the battle.
I feel that way too that my childhood was ruined for whatever reason and that impacted on the rest of my life even though i am only realising now, when i had analytical therapy it led to this point and then i ran i couldn't face up to it that was six years ago so i have spent six years trying to deny the way i felt about certain things and not accepting that they made me the way i am.
I was at the doctors this morning to get some tests done, after what happened last year i was supposed to get tests done but at the time i panicked and left, now i have been have problems so i had to go today, not surprisingly i didn't want to come home after but i had to, the slightest thing and i want to escape.
You seem to know alot about yourself thats good.
I am scared they will send me to the hospital instead, i know yeah its a safer place, i can't get out of there but i hate feeling trapped.
I listen to alot of music sometimes it helps sometimes not it can bring me down and put me in a strange frame of mind.
I am tired fighting with myself and i want to go to bed but i have to stay up for my children, although sometimes i feel distant from them too, i need to distance myself from them for the intensive therapy otherwise i will miss them too much and that will make it worse
Overwhelmed i get that too alot, then i feel the need to shut down.
I am this computer way too much as well my partner goes mad but i need the distraction and the talking.
Are your family supportive now? I think unless people actually experience depression, panic, suicidal thoughts they can't understand how hard it it. My mother thinks i am useless for not trying hard she doesn't know the half of it and i won't tell her.
I would just like the freedom to make my own choices and live in my own world but people won't let me.
I hope you have a good day.

[Jaquta]

I guess feeling heard does help.  Early on I joined several yahoo health groups and some people there seemed to relate to some things I said everything if they didn't understand.

I don't believe suicide is selfish.  I know many others do.  Maybe in your situation with a young family it would be.  I try not to judge others and know I can't truly understand them, their thoughts, feelings and behaviors.  People are complex.  Life is sometimes complex.

It does seem unfair that we don't have access to treatment that has the potential to help us.
I'm sure respite could be an option.  It's just like going to a strangers home for a night or two though.  Perhaps more stressful than it is worth.

I think for me the problem was I felt that ethically or legally I needed to stay.  I had opportunities to leave and I should have.  Not huge opportunities but opportunities none the less.

Hospital was stressful for me because I had alienated my family.  I didn't know how to communicate with them in a way that left me feeling empowered.  I didn't want to take meds which I was forced too.  The people were a bit strange (talking to their apples, being manic, etc).  The place was noisy.  I didn't feel as though I had any privacy.  People watching you, watching you go to the toilet, having a shower, eating, sleeping.  People talking about how they would kill themselves.  People being taken away for ect.

Boredom is something you can do something about though.

Yours should be able to phone you or speak to you away from your partner.  Sometimes you need to negotiate new rules for the relationship.

What we've done in the past is done, we can't change that.  We shouldn't keep beating ourselves up over things we've done.

I'm not exercising at the moment and I always seem to sabotage any efforts when I feel close to achieving some goal.

Probably not.  Imagine all the paperwork and the investigation.  And of course they would miss you and the opportunity to work with you and to help you.

I think that you need to be in hospital for it.  I think it is the only place for it at this time.

Sure!  There are lots of different things.  A few?
My weight.  Feeling fat.  My teeth.
Thinking about the future.  Thinking about what I have lost.  My missed childhood.  Lack of education and employment.  Lack of friends.  My inability to relate to others.  My failures.  My past.  Guilt about things I have done or not done.  Feeling trapped or overwhelmed.  Feeling useless and inadequate.  Feeling stupid.  Seeing others successes.  Seeing children laughing and playing.

They aren't all feelings are they?  Most feelings would be of powerlessness, hopelessness, helplessness, feeling overwhelmed, etc.  That sort of thing.

What helps?  Distracting myself.  Changing my physiology by exercising, having a hot shower, etc.  Thinking about my future.  Comparing myself to others.  Recognizing that I am mentally tough and that I can get through this.  Tolerating things in the moment.  Life is just a bunch of moments.  Giving where I am meaning.  Accept that I am learning now even if it isn't what I think I should be.  Talking to people.  Talking through issues.  Sometimes music although sometimes that can be triggering.  A lot of things.  Reading Mills and Boon medical romances.

I have spent most of my day on the computer.  I will keep my doctor's appointment for next week and try and work through some of this and get help if I need it.