I need help with severe suicidal thoughts?

[BreatheHopeInMe]

Hi,
I'm 18 years old and female. I have Schizoid Personality Disorder, PTSD, and Generalized Anxiety Disorder.
I suffered sexual abuse as a child and rape when I was 16, since I was ten I've wanted to kill myself. I've always had thoughts about it. As a sixteen year old I was way into drugs, sneaking out all the time to do drugs, drink and have sex. I was very promiscuious. *I don't think I spelt that right*,

But I'm currently off drugs after getting out of the Psychiatric Hospital, I have bouts of Schizophrenia where I have weird delusions, and auditory/visual hallucinations (I've had these since I was a child),

I've not only thought about killing myself and made plans for it, but I thought about killing other people.
I don't know what to do anymore, I can't talk to anybody about it, but I need help.
Does anybody have any advice?

[Jaquta]

I think that you need to follow up with someone from your treatment team.  Perhaps one of them could also have a discussion with your mother.  Your mother is clearly obstructing you from accessing the support you need.  This could be a considerable barrier to you not only accessing help but also managing and working through your issues/ conditions.

I think many of us have fears of being hospitalized.  I know I do.  I think the best approach is to be open and honest with health professionals and usually this will allow them to help us remain in the community.

You need to try and get another psychiatrist appointment.  I would try and do this as soon as practically possible if I were you.

Are you still seeing your T?  It would also be appropriate to discuss your thoughts and feelings, especially the suicidal stuff, etc, with them.

[inneedofhelp82]

I don't think that your mom should do that she should be getting you all the help you need, don't be afraid to call the hotlines you are just as important as anyone else. Can you tell your doctor or psychiatrist that you need their help but that your mom isn't taking your seriously and maybe then you could arrange the appointments yourself. The suicide hotlines are a good option too, its important to be able to talk about how you feel at the moments you need it the most.

[BreatheHopeInMe]

Well I don't want to be hospitalized again, but talking to my mom only gets me yelled at. She thinks I do it on purpose, or that I'm faking it. My doctors, know I'm being completely honest, but when my first therapist suggested I go to a hospital, my mom said no. It was two therapists later when she finally gave in.

I'm to afraid to call suicide hotlines because I know there are people in the world with bigger problems than I.
My friends all work full time and don't have time to talk anymore. My boyfriend doesn't help a bit because he usually gets irritated or says he's going to tell my mom or his mom.

Inneedofhelp82:

It's hard to get in to see my psychiatrist because my mom doesn't seem to take it seriously. She'll cancel appointments the day of or a week before. I haven't been in a few months. Because of this I don't know if I'll ever even see my psychiatrist again.

[inneedofhelp82]

I know too well from experience how you are feeling, i have suffered abuse as a child and well several other things which have impacted my life greatly. I found that talking to someone helps, you need to access any help you can. I agree with Jaquta and you need to talk to a mental health professional and do it as soon as possible. I found that trying to deal with suicidal thoughts on my own doesn't work you need to talk to other people someone who will listen and be able to help you. I wish you good luck and hope you can find some help.

[Jaquta]

The best thing is to talk to a trusted, responsible adult or a doctor or a policeman or a mental health professional.

I have been in that position too.  I have tried to access help or have tried to deal with the emotions as best as possible.  Or distract from them by watching TV or talking on the internet.

What is stopping you from asking others for support or help?  Are you afraid of being hospitalized?

The very best advice anybody could give you is to talk to a doctor or go to the hospital.

If you need to you can talk here but the preference is for you to get help from a health professional in your local area.
Have you tried a local suicide hotline?  A friend?