The same point

[inneedofhelp82]

I always reach this point used to be every 6 months or so i would lose control and act impulsively then it was every few months and now its weeks, whats the point, anxiety driving me crazy feel like a totally useless person i hate myself so much nothing more to do, won't take meds doctor says its my only choice but she is wrong its not too depressed to care anymore and so tired why keep fighting when i always reach this point and then run.

[inneedofhelp82]

Yeah i want help but i feel when i get it don't take it, woke up more depressed than usual just want to hide but its my own fault the meds are there but i won't take them.
No one really cares for me my children are only here because they have no choice, Noel loves me i don't know why though and thats it i have no friends at all if i disappeared tomorrow very little people would notice, i have lots of cousins and aunts and uncles but i am the freak of the family so they dont mix with me. Maybe going back to bed would be a good idea.

[Jaquta]

Yes, you do want help.  Most people you talk to can see that.
Sometimes we need to give up control to gain control.  Take meds to help us feel more in control.

I got on OK with my grandmother yet my mum felt that she hated her.  I think it is just perception and a whole heap of hurt and egos in the way.  From both parties.

What are other examples though?  Other people care for you, if only in their own way.

Has stopped raining and the sun is out again.

[inneedofhelp82]

They have said that will happen they would admit and i would be forced to take meds a few weeks ago my therapist was going to admit me but then avoiding talking to me so he wouldn't have to, to him he was showing he cared but at the time i felt rejected because he wouldn't help me. Yeah it is my choice but sometimes its hard to know what to do, if i ask for help do i really want help sometimes i feel like i don't want help then i ask for it and then get angry because they step in and i feel out of control. I am  afraid of meds but also i am afraid of not being in control thats why i won't take them.
Today is one of those days that could go wrong but i will see, my biggest issue these days is rejection and my family my parents and my daughters contact with them, and the stress its causing me and questions i will never have answers too like why don't they love me but they love my daughter, whats wrong with me, it confirms all my fears and thoughts that people don't love me or even like me and i am scared my daughter will reject me too she is 18 now and what if she doesn't love me anymore either, scary thought its depressing me so much which as you know drives the need to act impulsively and basically be stupid and get myself in more trouble, so depressed and tired.

[Jaquta]

You will be OK as long as you keep yourself safe.  Your choice.  If you don't think that you can keep yourself safe then you have the choice of asking others for help.

Is like me.  My fear of killing myself is less than my fear of a job interview.  People don't get that and when people tell me to get a job I end up thinking, are they telling me to kill myself?  They are clueless to my internal dialogue but maybe if they weren't they wouldn't pressurise me there and would instead support me through the process.

I think in some cases it is learning about what medication means to you.  Some feel taking medication is a form of nurturing by the prescriber.  Others feel that it is a form of control over a patient.  There are lots of different reasons.
I eventually gave up and took some meds because a) I was desperate, b) I was forced too.  By law I was compelled too and if I refused I was threatened with restraint and im injections.  The only choice there is how you choose to have the med (orally or in your butt).  I guess and with that choice came the choice of medication.  Orally was an anti-depressant.  IM was an anti-psychotic.
If you become seriously unwell there won't be a lot of choice left.  They take that from you and do as and what they please.

What do you think is your biggest or most pressing issue at the moment?  Maybe that one would be a good one to start with?  Or maybe you could just let your treatment team help you work through it.  Although they sound lost at sea with no compass or rudder.

There is a limit to everything, although we often can work well beyond the limits we perceive we have.  Someone likened it to filling up a glass jar:  first you put in the rocks, then smaller ones, then pebbles, sand and water.  Eventually the jar will overflow or break.

[inneedofhelp82]

I have trouble letting go of people my doctor i do trust i know it sounds like i don't i ask for advice but never take it but its because all they offer is meds but then i have to accept maybe there is nothing else, i want reassurance that i will be ok but no one can give me that they keep saying you need medication. She listens to me whereas the male doctor doesn't listen he is dismissive and hands me a perscription then i feel like he hasn't listened, she listens and admits that she feels powerless i respect her honesty although it also frustrates me why can't they help? I am i really that difficult makes me feel like an alien its like they never met someone like me before but then again maybe they haven't i suppose any normal sensible person would choose medication over ending their life but i suppose i am not normal or sensible.
I don't know what fear to face first maybe the one about medication is the biggest and it would help but i am not brave enough to face that one. My social worker said something the other day which proves she is listening she said she is concerned that things are getting too much and she is afraid i will give in in a way she is right there is only so much i can take.

[Jaquta]

I was told by Dr Gould, former expert here at medhelp, that thoughts, feelings and memories are just bits of information and not things that can hurt us.

For me I tried that baby diaper exercise.  The people whom I felt threatened and traumatised by, in my mind I saw then in a nappy with a little baby rattle rolling around a poplulated mall, etc.  An adult face on a defenseless baby.  I probably felt more empowered than I had in a long time.

I think the thing with fear is that it needs to be confronted.  Do that and it too losses its power.

Interesting concept about YOUR doctor.  MY therapist.  Not sure why I would identify with someone who I felt wasn't helping me, wasn't listening to me and was making me worse.
Are what they and us want so very different?  If they are then perhaps we should move on.

I have found both your posts helpful.  Thanks!!

[inneedofhelp82]

Thanks for the reply, i have seen several different doctors and my psychiatrist, therapist and social worker all say its anxiety but i feel so ill i find it hard to believe it scares me and stresses me so much, even in my not suicidal times i still hate myself.
I have tried all distraction movies, music, walking, sleeping and sometimes they work for a while but it all builds to a point where i no longer control it. I know i need to try meds but i won't the fear of them is too much and i need to do this by myself no matter what, no one has any faith in me that i can they said it has gone to far now and too muc has happened it would be nice if they had faith in me.
You say you have felt this way how did you overcome it? What works? My world is ful of fear thats the problem too many fears and bad memories to ever be normal.
Thanks again for the reply, you have helped just knowing that someone read it and took the time to answer has helped.

[gandolfication]

The good news is we are ALL "inneedofhelp".  So we now know you are human.

Ok, now what to do?  Many, many of us have the same or similar experience as what I believe you are describing above.  It isn't easy.

So cut yourself a break.  Even if it's just for today.  Things may not be okay, but I implore you to just decide to somehow, as much as you can, be okay with yourself and who you are.  There are things you like about yourself.  I guarantee it.  Heck, there are things I like about you from 6 lines you've written on a website.

I've felt everything you're describing above repeatedly - and I don't like it any more than you!  I bet I could persuade you that I've "fallen" further in life too.  But there are reasons to hope and to feel and to want to keep experiencing the good in life.

What do you like?  Movies?  Music?  Art?  People?  Friends?  Family?  Animals?  Nature?  Think about it.  Let us know.

I'm not really going to pressure or advice you one way or the other about medication ('cause I'm not your doctor), but I will tell you this.  If you have a fundamental disagreement with your doctor, why keep going to that doctor?  I mean you may be wrong and very seriously so.  But if you're not going to take the person's advice, don't keep calling them YOUR doctor - because the reality is they're not.  You don't want to hear what they're telling you.  Again, I'm not judging this as right or wrong.  It just is.  You may be right.  But wouldn't it be nice to treat with some other doctor and/or counselor who may or may not confirm or undermine that conclusion you've come to?

What if you tried medication?  Even if just in the short term?  What is the worst?

Thanks for posting in the forum here.  I always feel better (maybe even best) after I've responded to someone here and I can think, maybe, just maybe something I'll say sometime will help somebody.