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Sorry!  Needed to start a new post as it was taking ages for the other one to load.  One of the joys of living in the country and being at the very end of a line.

Have you thought about asking for respite while your T is away?  Would that help to take some pressure off you?
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Avatar universal
I can't get respite until the 29th and my next appointment with him is on the 30th but my social worker said if i need it in a crisis she can get me in then, some use then.
I am very depressed and had terrible panic attacks, and i was late for my GP so she wouldn't see me have to wait another two weeks, i was angry but controlled it, i just told them if i get sick and have to go to out of hours then i will be complaining about them. I probably shouldn't have said anything but i was annoyed.
Not a good day sometimes i feel i shouldn't be let out on my own.
Has your brother and his girlfriend went home now?
I hope all is well with you.
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Avatar universal
The 29th doesn't seem of that much use.  Especially when the idea is to provide support while your T is away.  What does your sw think this is then?  I think because we live our lives in crisis that people forget that this isn't the norm and that it is extremely hard to have to deal with on a constant basis.
I'm sorry about your GP visit.  I am often late for my appointments too due to overwhelming anxiety.  Several times I have been several minutes late and I have seen the doctor about to walk about the door.  I am lucky that my doctor is understanding (and usually late himself).

Probably it would have been best not to say that.  I don't think it really motivates people to help you and their perception may just be that you were late therefore it was your fault and you needed to take responsibility for it.  I guess what a doctor does is up to them.  It depends on their schedule, etc.  I'm sure if there had of been time you would have been slotted in.

That's like me too at times.  I have been feeling a little frustrated and irritable lately.  My mum annoyed me the other day and when she was opening the gate I easily felt as though I could drive into her.  I didn't.  But in my head I am thinking the stupid f n *****.  Obviously I am feeling extremely stressed and maybe aren't doing so well.  Maybe this is just pmt again?  It's not very nice feeling that ?aroused (intense).

My brother went home on the 8th.  Thank goodness.  He rang today and I asked how he found his visit.  I don't even think that he got that mum and I were both severely stressed and that his gf was kind of ?  Not sure what she was.

It's my birthday today (the 10th).  Gee I feel old.
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Avatar universal
Happy Birthday although you probably won't get this until the next day, did you do anything to celebrate your birthday?
I tried to look at it like that she just thought i was late and they have rules and it was very busy, i was with my social worker which kept me late but i didn't say that.
I can be very short tempered so i controlled it a bit i think because i had just been with my social worker i was calmer, it could have been very different and i try not to because i have to face them again. I am also very irritable all the time and i will lose my temper at the slightest comment, i wish i wasn't like that, people frustrate me too, you sound like me in that way when you say you could have driven into your mum.
My social worker frustrates me too and she was annoyed that my therapist never spoke to her before he left and now she is responsible for me and my ever changing moods, she said it would be easier if i wasn't so impulsive she said it scares her, she said she has known people who want to commit suicide but they planned it and talked about it and she said they were able to help, but she said when i disappear they can't help me, i know that and i am trying, i have told them if it happens again i will tell my partner and he can then do whatever needs to be done, but if its him that i'm angry at then i don't think i'll tell him.
Its all so strange at times and out of control, my social worker also thinks my therapist needs to transfer me over quicker but i don't want him to and he seems in no hurry either. I said to her why would i be in a hurry to talk about all that stuff in my past, what planet is she on.
She said a crisis bed would be available if needed anytime i need it and she thinks by the way things are going i am heading to that point again, and then she asks me what she needs to do to prevent it, am i wrong in thinking that maybe she should know what to do, or should i be telling her, well i might tell her if i knew.
Did you not like his girlfriend? I think its always hard to get on with other peoples partners or girlfriends. I can see why you were stressed though i would find it stressful having people staying i don't even like people visiting.
I agree with what you say about it not being normal they think that just because i have felt suicidal and depressed for so long she keeps saying but you cope, i wonder does she realise that i am losing the ability to cope the longer this goes on, the panic attacks are telling me i'm not coping i'm avoiding going out now because of the fear of panicking, i told her i am afraid all the time, of what i don't know, maybe just life itself and the feeling that i'm losing my mind.
I hope you are feeling less stressed today and i hope you had a good birthday.
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Avatar universal
I fed the animals and went to town.  Exciting!
Also, didn't your partner not carry through with previously made plans last time?  I would go straight to one of your treatment team.  I don't trust that your partner would relay the message or do it in a timely fashion.

She's a little different.  Just was a little difficult to cater for.

Talk to your sw.  I understand leaving your T would be hard but you should just do it.  That is something that could be sorted while he is away.  I don't think he is helping you and may in fact be making you and your situation worse.  Just my opinion.
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Avatar universal
I agree he probably won't get me any help i told my social worker that but they don't listen, i also told them how he can be so abusive at times they think because i have mental health issues that i perceive him the wrong way, i told her i'm not stupid i know the difference.
It has to be my therapist who makes the referral to the other team, he wants to talk to them first to see what they think he should do. He probably doesn't help but i think he knows i depend on him alot and i have been passed about that team alot he is my fifth therapist so maybe i think thats why he is holding back, he doesn't me to feel rejected by him well thats what he said.
My partner said my therapist is too overly involved with me and thats why its not working because he is personally involved, but he makes me angry saying that, my therapist actually cares about how i feel unlike him. I do understand where you are coming from though the waiting about does me no good at all he either needs to treat me or refer me on.
Another not so good day so i will just stay at home. Hope you have a good day.
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Avatar universal
I guess there's nothing you can do till he comes back.  I think you invest too much hope in his ability to help you.  I don't think he has the skill or expertize to do that.

Was frosty here this morning but has cleared up.  So glad Spain beat the Netherlands.
Our builder was Dutch and he did a very bad job on our house so had to support Spain.
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Avatar universal
Thats a good reason to support Spain lol.
I do invest too much hope in him and your right he can't help me and he knows that, i just don't like change thats all but i guess it has to happen. Not a bad day apart from anxiety but i have slightly more energy for now anyway. We have a big celebration here tomorrow the 12th July, my partner wants to go i'm to afraid too many people and to much noise it scares me even thinking about it. Hope you have a good day.
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Avatar universal
Having more energy must feel good.  Is there a way you could go and feel safe?

I feel pretty tired.  I went for a short run today, the first in what feels like forever.
Also did some digging to bury an exposed water pipe over the farm.  Also had an unexpected farm contractor come so needed to rush around and do fences and gates for him.  This is way more exercise than I have done in ages.  Expect to be sore tomorrow.
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Avatar universal
Yeah the more energy is good it doesn't last though usually only a few days but i am glad of it i get some housework done, then i have weeks of no energy.
I went to the parade i panicked the whole way there, i calmed for a while but left in the interval the second part is taking place now but we went home, the children got bored after a while so it was a good excuse to leave.
A run thats good, i expect you will feel sore tomorrow after all that.
It was good to be away for a while i didn't think about stuff that i usually do when i'm at home so that helped, but i'm glad to be home even though i was only 10 miles down the road.
We were also thinking of moving house to see if that would help but i'm not sure it would, the memories and fears are with me no matter where and live, so i have decided to stay here.
I hope you have a good day and that you aren't too sore.
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Avatar universal
Just a sore foot.  Other than that not too bad.
Maybe relocating would be a good idea.  Stressful but a new/ fresh start.
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Avatar universal
I thought i was going mad yesterday but i didn't, i had to go to bed i couldn't cope mentally anymore and i get confused and tired so i slept for a while.
I went to my GP today telling him i was ill, i rang and got an emergency appointment, he said no psychially i'm fine its mentally where i have the problems, i told him i was going mad he said i'm not its the depression and anxiety thats making me feel so ill and i need medication, he said everytime he sees me i'm worse, i told him no medication, so he just smiled at me and said you know where to get me when you need me.
Today i stayed in bed until after 1, then when i got up i decided i would go with my partner and the two youngest ones to feed the deer and the ducks apart from panicking that i was to far from the car it was ok i actually felt normal for a while, came home and got anxious and panicky again, i give up.
My social worker is to get in touch tomorrow to see how i am, i am going to tell her just take me away, or maybe not.
How are things with you? Take care
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Avatar universal
Ok for me at the moment.  I cancelled my doctor's appointment for today.  Have one for next week.  Was just trying to push it out a little.  Not sure whether that was a good idea or not.

You should ask for some meds to help you with your anxiety.  They must think we're bonkers when we won't take stuff to even help ourselves.  I think the depression also makes it harder to take.
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Avatar universal
I guess if you can wait another week then sometimes its ok to push it a bit.
Thats what i'm thinking the doctor wonders why i don't take the medication, but i read the side effects and i won't take them.
I am still anxious today, but i spoke to my social worker i don't know if it helped or not, she has booked me respite for 4 days at the end of July thats when i see my therapist again, i might be glad of the place by then.
I think depression and anxiety mixed together are not good.
I hope you have a good day. Take care
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Avatar universal
Hey.  Not all meds have major side-effects.  Some are minimal.  The lorazepam I sometimes take for anxiety seems OK.  I'm sure there is something that, if taken short-term, could help.
You only have another two weeks to hang in there now before your T gets back.  By the time he gets back you'll be wondering what all the stress was about.
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Avatar universal
I'm not even sure if i am stressing over him not being there, just life in general. I am going to ask him when he comes back the results of the questionaire. I have my social worker tomorrow and psychiatrist on Friday i don't see the point in him he has something different to say each time i see him, i wish they could give me better reasons for why i am feeling like this and getting worse instead of better.
I am feeling sick tonight i think i have the flu thats all i need.
If i am stressing over him now. what will i be like when i leave him i can't even think about it. I sometimes wonder why me? I know i'm not the only one who suffers but its so unfair i want to be normal whatever that feels like.
Have a good day. Take care
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Avatar universal
Having the flu is never that pleasant.  I hope that doesn't prevent you from attending your appointments.  That would be a bit harsh.

Ask him for contact till you feel comfortable in your new therapy.  Having e-mail contact with my T is helpful, even if I don't take advantage of it.  Just knowing she is there makes everything seem so much easier for me.

Me too.  Life does feel incredibly unfair at times.

Good luck for all your appointments.
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Avatar universal
I woke up really ill but i went to my social worker anyway i wasn't in the mood for talking though, then i got an emergency appointment to see a doctor i had a really high temperature he said i have a throat infection, he gave me an antibiotic which i probably won't take but i have been taking painkillers.
My social worker said my therapist hopefully will keep in touch for a weeks when i change over. She said i can also tell the new therapist that i like to be able to call them when i need to and she said that should be ok with them, if i need that support.
We are having thunderstorms today i like heavy rain and thunder.
I think its good you can still have contact with your therapist it is good to know someone is there even if you don't use, its nice to know your not totally alone.
I just want to sleep today, but its not possible in this house.
I hope you have a good day. Take care
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Avatar universal
Take the antibiotics.  They will clear it help and are probably way healthier than the pain meds.

It is just starting to rain here.  Is suppose to be wet over the weekend.
Rain is OK if you are inside (a house that doesn't leak and isn't cold) or your are in appropriate wet weather gear.
I never use to mind.  I'm a bit freaked out about going anywhere where there may be lightening though.  There are been a number of fatalities here due to lightening strikes.  

Hope you manage to get some rest.  Take and finish the course of antibiotics you were given.  Telling you to because I care.  =)
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Avatar universal
I am going to see the psychiatrist in half an hour but i feel so sick i have been taking painkillers every four hours and the effect of them wears of in about 2 hours, i couldn't sleep my throat was so sore. I am going to get the antibiotics after i see the psychiatrist, i have never had a sore throat like this before.
I wouldn't go anywhere in the lightening either, its dry today for a change.
I don't know why i'm so afraid of an antibiotic its only penicillen and i know i'm not allergic to it.
I am anxious about seeing the psychiatrist too and i'm too tired to talk to him but i need to go it would take months to get another appointment.
I hope you have a good day day and thanks for caring i will take them. Take care
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Avatar universal
It went ok with the psychiatrist he really listens, he said the same thing about emotions and not being able to regulate them so i think my therapist must have been talking to him. He said firstly they will try and help me express my emotions better and to regulate them better before they change to another therapist. He said i really need medication but if i don't take it there is nothing he can do unless i am hospitialized against my will then they can make me take them but he said they wouldn't want it to ever go that far. He said my therapist wasn't sure about handing me over to someone else because of the good relationship we have and he said they know how hard it will be to form a relationship with someone else. At least i felt today he listened, he asked me as well was i always a quiet person i said yeah he said he found it very hard to get information out of me i said thats just the way i am. I don't know why he would ask that. I am still really sick and feeling really out of it, i hate being sick.
I told him to about the mood change how it changes so quickly, i wish they would say what they think.
Take care
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Avatar universal
I would say bpd, not because I have been diagnosed with, just seems to fit best.

Need to go and gib (put plasterboard on the ceiling).
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The more i read about it the more i agree with you, it describes very well, but maybe they won't tell me that, but anyway if they are trying to help me i suppose it doesn't matter if they tell me or not, i always like to know everything though that is one of my biggest problems. He also said they will try to intergrate my emotions together whatever that means and he used a word you use sometimes contain he said they need to contain me, again i don't know what he meant, so you are probably right about it being bpd.
I had to go the doctor today again i have tonsilitis i haven't eaten in three days and i can hardly swallow he said i should have been taking the medication i told him i was afraid so he gave me an antibiotic i had before so that i would take it, so at last i can hopefully get better. I went to see a movie last night and panicked i hate that the movie was good though its called Twilight, eclipse.
Still feeling really ill today but i have started the medication so i hope they work soon.
How are things with you? Take care
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Avatar universal
I hope the antibiotic works too.  I wouldn't be mucking around with my physical health if I could help it.  Maybe working with someone as to what is preventing you from taking the meds would be a good idea.  ??

Just some of the things you said the doctor said make me think that they think it could be bpd.  I don't think they will tell you. I had to access my medical records to find out my diagnosis.  Once I saw it it threw me into a crisis.  Perhaps your treatment team are afraid of that happening.

Containment is a hard one to describe.  For me I only started to understand containment when I had three therapy sessions per week.  For me it meant that I could leave stuff with my T.  Like you know how you stress about seeing your T.  Well containment would mean that you talk to him about your feelings and then outside the therapy session you don't think about them, or think about them much.
I'll explain it for you another day.  hopefully a bit better and when I have a little more time.  Today has been pretty full on trying to get our bathroom done so the plasterers can come and plaster it.

I hope you're better tomorrow/ today now for you.
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Avatar universal
I think you thought it from the first time i was on here. Yeah they probably won't tell me, i think i scare them as it is, even the psychiatrist said i need to stop scaring them and work with them i said i have been trying. I keep thinking then i am wrong and they don't think that but then i think why would he give me the questionaire, i need to stop thinking about it.
At least i know i won't be leaving my therapist for a while as long as he does something useful though instead of just talking to me. Can i ask you something it says that people with bpd don't deal well with seperation, would that mean that when i don't see my therapist for a while even if its only for a week or don't talk to him i feel like i don't know him anymore like he is a stranger or is that me just being weird. Now that he is of on holiday i try not to think about him to me he's not there for me anymore i kind of felt like that since he said he wanted me to see someone else or is that normal? Also with my social worker at times i feel ok with her and i tell her alot but the next time i am totally shut of again, i can really see why they are frustrated with me.
The antibiotics are starting to work but i panicked last night i felt like i have been taking to much medication and i took my pituiatry one as well and then i panicked and blamed it, no pleasing me. I have talked it through with my social worker about the medication, because i have been allergic to alot of stuff i won't take new stuff, she tries to tell me it will be ok but i don't really believe them, its very scary to be allergic to medication and i'm not willing to try, when i was ill with the blood clot i was allergic to the blood thinning medication and the anti sickness medication so that really put me of.
I hope you got your bathroom finished sounds like your busy.
Take care.
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