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Avatar universal

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Sorry!  Needed to start a new post as it was taking ages for the other one to load.  One of the joys of living in the country and being at the very end of a line.

Have you thought about asking for respite while your T is away?  Would that help to take some pressure off you?
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Avatar universal
Hi, i hope you have a good day in the city, yeah all you can do is try and make the most of it, its better just to try and enjoy it while you are there.
I am hanging in just about i never seem to get any better, i think my therapist will kill me before i do it myself i feel he is frustrated again, anyway its his fault if he doesn't just take control of the situation instead of leaving it to me.
I hope the weather picks up and you have a good time. The e-mail is pretty intense sorry i sort of had to get it out.
Take care and Talk soon
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Avatar universal
Hey.  I logged out of my e-mail account before I checked your message but will do that another day.  My brother's girlfriend is just finishing the vacuuming in here now.  I can't think with all the noise.
Will be going into the city tomorrow so that should be a big day.  Hopefully interesting.
Mum was saying how she thinks I wished I could get back on the plane and come home.  I think that was how I was feeling after about the second day.
Is crazy to think they have 48 oC here in summer when it has struggled to get above 8 plus has been flooding, etc.  The weather has been pretty miserable.  
Hopefully the next few weeks will be OK.  I've given up on helping my sister and will just go and see some sights.  I really went over to help her though.  Too bad.  Better to do something than nothing.

I'll ctach up with your e-mail when I can.  I hope you're hanging in there.
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Avatar universal
Hi, great to hear from you, sorry it has been stressful i hope you are coping ok. I have e-mailed you as well. I hope you are well and that its ok being there. Talk soon. Take care
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Avatar universal
Hey.  At my brothers.  He and his girlfriend have gone to an election dinner party.  I wasn't keen on going and talking politics and drinking, etc so have stayed home.
The trip has been quite stressful so far.  Dog semi-killed the chicken, sister in hospital, car battery dying, etc plus my sister being in strange moods.
I'm sorry I haven't been here to chat.  I'm able to access my e-mails more than medhelp so if you wanted to leave a message there I could probably reply.  I just can't access all the different medhelp forums on my sisters work computer.

I hope things are OK with you.  I hope therapy, etc is going well.

J
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Avatar universal
Hi.  Hey I'm really sorry but I can't chat, most likely until I get home.  This is my sister's work computer and she says that everything is being monitored.
I'm really sorry.  I was hoping to stay in contact while I am away.
I will talk when I can.
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Avatar universal
How are you? I hope you get this before you leave. I didn't get home so i couldn't talk before now. I just got home today. It went ok i am getting used to the place, i met one woman who is so depressed, she said i was lucky i wasn't as depressed as her, but i didn't say anything, i wanted to say how can i be lucky i swing from high to low and then to suicidal, at least she knew how she felt depressed, half time i don't know if i am coming or going. I am sure now my therapist thinks i have bpd, he said on Friday that i lack a sense of self and identity and i seem to be confused alot about boundaries and what is right and wrong, by that he means all the abuse i suffered i never knew it was wrong so as an adult i am still getting abused by people and i am confused, like my partner i get confused about his behaviour and my mother, i know they are abusive at times but when they are nice i am confused and i think i am in the wrong and they are not really abusive, i don't know what to think.
I was glad to see my therapist i felt so comfortable with him, he is going to speak to the new treatment team and he will come with me the first time i meet them he said he knows how hard it will be for me and he is afraid i will react badly when i change over. He also met with the police last week about my notes and he said they are still investigating what happened i don't want to add to it by reporting what happened years ago. I am angry about that too but anyway too many emotions today and i am trying to be calm.
I hope you have a great time when you are away i know it will be hard though. Get in touch if you can, take care.
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Avatar universal
You're not coping either way.  Maybe calling the police and starting the process would give you some closure, eventually.

Enjoy respite.  I'm sure all this stuff with your T will be resolved once you start talking to him again.

I'll hear from you in the weekend, or when ever, then.

Take care.
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Avatar universal
I hope you have a good time when you are away, i am the same with flying but once i was in the air i was ok i just tried to distract myself as much as possible, flying is said to be the safest form of transport.
I go to respite in a few hours i don't want to go my panic attacks are quite bad and i don't like being away from home and there are different people there all the time i don't like that.
I have my therapist tomorrow and we will probably sort out what is happening with a new therapist then i am fed up with it all now i just feel like giving up on it all.
The situation with my mother i think is unfixable i never told them anything because they are really unsupportive and make me feel worse about myself. She doesn't know how bad my mental health is and i wouldn't allow my therapist to tell her, she thinks i am weak for needing a therapist and having panic attacks she doesn't know the half of it or the fact that her lack of love when i was growing up probably contributed to the whole thing. She said too much has happened to forgive me although i am still unsure of what i have done apart from not apologizing for my partners behaviour, she said i was just like him. I'm not really bothered about her anymore i am just going to focus on my children. There is things she should know but i don't think she could cope and she would blame me and i really don't need that now, i was tempted to phone the police and report someone for stuff that happened but my partner and therapist said not to unless i can deal with it and i know i can't, not yet..
I'm not sure about therapy anymore or respite i want to stay in my own world i feel safer there.
I am sure you will cope fine on the plane, just think of nice thoughts.
I shall be back during the weekend and i will post then, sometime before you go. Have a good day. Take care
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Avatar universal
Family dynamics can be complicated.  I guess, at times, that is more true of families who have a member with mental health issues.  I think our issues often reflect the sum of everything that is wrong with everyone.
When I have needed help the most the mhs have rejected me, or so it seemed.  I think for the most part that they just don't get it.
What about transferring to that other T?  Surely now would be as good a time as any.

If you stood back and looked at things you could possibly see that both you and your parents are being quite immature about how you are dealing with the situation.  Maybe you should write to them disclosing stuff??

I'm feeling OK today.  Have been stressing big time.  I think I'm quite anxious about flying.  Doesn't help that there's been stuff on the TV about planes crashing and people dying.  I have problems with people sitting so close too I think.  Hopefully it won't be unbearable.  And not being able to leave.  Being in such a confined space, and in the air, makes me feel a little powerless.  Most of this is irrational.
I go on Tuesday my time.  I'm not sure if I will have time to post Tuesday morning or what the internet access is going to be like where I'm going.  I will try and post before I go some time.  

We've been painting the bathroom so have been busy today.  Is good to stay a little occupied I guess.  Takes my mind off other stuff, like packing.  I still don't have my passport or driver's license (that I had to renew because it expired while I was away).
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Avatar universal
I hardly slept all night i tried to talk to my mother yesterday because she upset my daughter yesterday by talking about me, so i called her to try and clear the air, but it was no good she wants nothing more to do with me she said alot of hurtful things and as usual i said nothing because i didn't want to hurt her, so i guess that is that.
It leaves me feeling very lost and alone i know she wasn't much use before but they were there now they are not.
I sometimes wonder why there is mental health service, they are only there when it suits them, my therapist was good before i got really bad and really needed him, i have been thinking alot about them as well, but i am stuck with them if i leave them, then i really am alone. My mother has been telling all my relatives how bad i am, what right does she have, but then again i never fitted there either. She is angry at me mostly because i never apologized to her for my partners behaviour, there is alot she never apologized for to me. Anyway that is that i need to get used to it.
How are things with you? Do you go soon? I hope you have a good day.
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Avatar universal
I have those days and moments too.

I think the problem lies with your treatment team.  That is how I use to feel until I had one decent T who was able to help.  It changed my whole perspective.

It is not you.  There is nothing wrong with you.  This is just an emotional thing, feeling up and down and goodness only knows what.  Hang in there, things do get better.
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Avatar universal
I kind of feel like giving up today i am so tired and so depressed i'm a bit like the weather i change so quick, its even more frustrating when i thought i was ok only to wake up and feel like this. There's not much point in me talking about this, it really is pointless i'm going around in circles and going no where. So i won't even bother all is pointless, social worker, therapist i am wasting their time its obvious i can't be helped, i am totally useless.
Couldn't be bothered anymore. .
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Avatar universal
I hope all this stress resolves itself soon.

Take care.
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Avatar universal
I thought he had left for good and then he came back, i told him to go back to work but he won't.
It was a stressful day yesterday, i am still not sure about respite, its all the rushing about before that is stressful and then i have to come home and cook and stuff so it kind of ruins it, i will talk with my social worker tomorrow and see what she says.
I am really tired today as well i was really panicky all night and then i got up early, my mood is a lot worse when i am tired.
Hope you got some sleep. Take care
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Avatar universal
Left for good?  That would be good.  Seriously.  I know it would be a huge struggle for you but you would have some freedom.
Maybe your partner resents being at home.  Let him go and go back to work.  good luck to him.
I agree.  People should take a look at themselves also.

Yes and no.  Have no passport, etc yet.

Still feeling tired.  I think I might go back to bed for a bit now.

Talk again soon.
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Avatar universal
I'm glad you got sleep. Yeah its next Friday i have therapy and i am supposed to see my social worker on Thursday at the residental place but i'm not going now, i had a massive argument with my partner so he has left, i am fed up he is too controlling i might be unwell at times but i'm not stupid. He was complaining because i was going to respite and he said it was my fault he gave up work so basically he was saying that the assault that happened was my fault because he gave up work because we thought i had a stalker so how is it my fault. Anyway i am angry at him there are so many issues around it.
A full moon is lovely espically in winter i love the autumn, i don't like summer it always rains. The drive last night was ok his aunt is a bit strange and they say i have problems i think they need to look at themselves.
Are you looking forward to going away?
I hope you have a good day and feel better after a good sleep. Take care
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Avatar universal
I got some sleep.  I took a couple of lorazepam.  Have still been feeling really tired.
Was your therapy session this week, or next week?  The dates confuse me a little.  The 30th here is a Friday.

I hope you enjoy your drive.  Is a full moon here so is lovely.  I hope it is there too.
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Avatar universal
I hope you have a really good time. Its good you have family to stay with.
Yeah i know we shouldn't rely on them so much, maybe you would get more help if you moved somewhere else so then leaving your GP would be worth it.
If my therapist left or my social worker i would feel so devastated i wish i didn't feel like that. I saw my therapist today in the shop but i wasn't in a position to say hello.
Did you get some sleep?
I am going to the lakes soon even though its late,my partners aunt is here and he wants to take her out i don't really want to go but i have too, i feel like its my space out there.
I panicked so many times today when out shopping i hate it.
Not so depressed today but anxious and panicky no middle ground at all, i don't know which is worst.
I hope you have a good day. Take care
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Avatar universal
Five weeks.  I have a sister and brother there.  My sister doesn't like being left alone and her partner is over seas for 8 weeks.

That's how I feel about my GP although I know my life would probably work better for me if I relocated.  Also what if something happened to my GP, then I would have nothing but regrets.  I don't think we should plan our lives around those of others.  We should be directing our own lives.

I hope the birth goes well and that all will be well.

I'm still feeling tired.  Dad is feeding out today but not sure what he is doing as he is taking ages.  Was trying to do some preparation work in the bathroom (sanding, etc) but stuff has still to be done.
A builder said he would call and come out this weekend to give us a quote for our deck.  We have about 3 weeks to get the house signed off.
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Avatar universal
I think it is amazing you can travel i am argraphobic and ten minutes from here is pushing my comfort zone, we don't go on holiday sometimes maybe once a year i push it and go to the beach, i panic even standing in a shop but i think its great you can go. How long are you going for?
It will be nice for you to get a break hopefully it will help you. Have you family there?
I understand the bit about being away from your GP my daughter is moving away next year to go to uni and its a seaside town its beautiful i wanted to go to uni there but i wouldn't want to leave my therapist or social worker they are my only support.
Maybe by next year i will feel better i would love to go to uni as well i got a place about 7years ago but my eldest got into a grammer school here and i really wanted to send her there and now my son starts there in September.
My social worker called today but i am frustrated with her so i didn't talk for long, she is good but i'm angry all the time and i don't want to offend her so i'm better not talking.
She said she needs to talk to my therapist on Monday to tell him about respite next week i am anxious about that as well but i guess its time away for me i miss my children though.
You are very good to think of the animals many people wouldn't.
I think they are going to put me on the waiting list it takes a while, something needs to happen to much waiting about.
She usually is good at calling and she is busy so i can't really say anything.
I am anxious too about my daughter her baby is due in 4 weeks i am too young to be a granny lol as long as it goes ok. Then we she goes to school the baby is my responsibilty and i want her to get out as much as possible, i didn't when she was born i had no support and i was really depressed for a long time. I want her to still enjoy life as much as she can. She wants me at the birth but i'm not sure i could cope.
How was your day? I hope you are well. Take care
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Avatar universal
Is far from here too.
My GP sometimes says he'll ring and let me know what happens with x, y, z.  Most of the time he doesn't.  He did this week though which surprised me (or rather he called but he didn't say he was going to call.  I was even going to mention it to him as I find it worse than if he just said nothing.).
Maybe they could place you on the waiting list while you are still working with your T?

I'm feeling a little anxious.  I have only traveled overseas to another country once before and then only for 10 days.  I am feeling anxious about flying and being away from home.  I don't like being too far away and for too long.
No, I'm not looking forward to the flight, or all the hassle or hustle and bustle and 4 minute showers (due to water restrictions) and not being allowed to flush the loo (again due to water restrictions).  Or the poisonous snakes hanging out in the long grass, or the foxes, or being away from my GP.

I'm really tired at the moment and at times feel very close to panic.  I think that if I can just get through each moment at a time then I'll be OK.  If I focus on everything at once it starts to feel overwhelming.
When I get back I'll probably be excited and say I did this and that and yae.  I think I probably need this break.  Things have gone backwards so much in the past few years.  Maybe this will help motivate me to get things back on track.
Financially this will be a disaster  for me.  I was hoping to not spend any money over the next eight weeks and pay off the silage which I said I would pay for (because mum won't even though the animals are skeletal and hungry).

I hope you have a great day too.  Can't wait to go to bed.  I'm stuffed/ shattered.
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Avatar universal
I hope you have a really good time when you are there i would love to visit there but its so far from here.
I won't be leaving him for a while two or three months at least the psychiatrist thinks its not a good time to leave him he said i need the consistency and i have stuff to bring to closure with him as well. I think there is also a waiting list for the other team as well. My social worker was meant to call and she didn't, i wish she wouldn't do that, i know she is busy but she should just say maybe i will call not say that she will call and then not.
I think my therapist has to stay with me as well as part of the protection plan with the police he is my keyworker and the police have to go to him before me.
It late here 1.30am i should be in bed.
Are you looking forward to your trip?
I hope you have a good day. Take care
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Avatar universal
About a week and a half.

I'm feeling absolutely shattered.  Must be from some of the work I've been doing coupled with some late nights.  The plumber finally came yesterday and the plasterer today.
Looks like painting is next on the agenda.  It would be good to do some to help take the pressure off my parents while I am away.

Sharing with your T sounds good but why now when you are to get a new T?
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Avatar universal
Australia that would be lovely, when do you go?
I kind of got it sorted yesterday my social worker called back, and we talked she was supposed to call today but she hasn't but i know she was to be out all day so i understand that.
I was with my gp today i asked her was it possible that my medication was making me feel worse and she said no that in my notes i have chronic anxiety and depression and she said with everything that has happened no wonder i am depressed, she said i have lived with anxiety so long i think its normal but its not, we talked about medication but i told her no i am too afraid she said i seem to have a phobia about medication so she has told me to think about it.
I like talking to her she listens and takes the time to listen.
No word from the police yet but my therapist isn't back until Monday so i think they are waiting on him, i'm in no hurry though.
How was your day?
I am going to make more effort with my therapist and try to give myself a bit more maybe it will work better if i'm not so afraid of getting hurt.
I hope you have a good day. Take care
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