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Why don't the thoughts go away?
I have been having suicidal thoughts for six months and have had made two attempts in the past five months, the first time my therapist rang the police and they found me, the 2nd time a family member found me the 2nd time i was hospitalized. I still have the thoughts, i hate being like this, does anyone feel like this and does it ever go away. I do suffer from depression and post traumatic stress and i am receiving therapy for this but i still have the thoughts, does it ever go away?
The review is about treatment. I'm hoping that I will be able to access better therapy through it.
You probably changed because you were feeling stressed and overwhelmed and your life wasn't working as you wanted it too.
More people care than you think. I expect your parents do still care. I overheard mine saying they didn't care if I were dead. That doesn't mean that they don't love me though just shows how stressed, etc they are.
Is there a story behind your parents severing contact? Could you ask them for support?
You also said my children and not our children. Maybe in the context of us talking that is OK.
No, no T. In the past when I have and I have seen them in the supermarket I have hidden (made a quick exit down another aisle, etc). One T said that if she did see me that she wouldn't acknowledge me unless I did so first. Your T is probably just trying to protect your privacy. You could talk to him about it.
One doctor I was pretty angry with I could have easily run over his heels with my trolley. I didn't though, probably just as well.
I talk to an old psych nurse if I ever see him (or guys from the pet team although that is much more uncomfortable).
I find it difficult seeing my GP in town. I guess it kind of makes me more aware of things I don't have in my life.
I haven't decided which is better anxiety or depression. Both are hard to deal with.
Deep breaths are good for both anxiety and panic. Keep reassuring yourself that you're OK. I've had panic attacks and while they're pretty scary it's better if you can try and relax into them and take back control.
I find activity good for anxiety or if you really felt like it you could try and sort out why you feel so anxious. My T gave me a card with some stuff on it. I'll post it another time.
I haven't done anything this morning. I wanted to ask a question on one of the expert forums but I was too slow.
Take care and have a good day.
You probably changed because you were feeling stressed and overwhelmed and your life wasn't working as you wanted it too.
More people care than you think. I expect your parents do still care. I overheard mine saying they didn't care if I were dead. That doesn't mean that they don't love me though just shows how stressed, etc they are.
Is there a story behind your parents severing contact? Could you ask them for support?
You also said my children and not our children. Maybe in the context of us talking that is OK.
No, no T. In the past when I have and I have seen them in the supermarket I have hidden (made a quick exit down another aisle, etc). One T said that if she did see me that she wouldn't acknowledge me unless I did so first. Your T is probably just trying to protect your privacy. You could talk to him about it.
One doctor I was pretty angry with I could have easily run over his heels with my trolley. I didn't though, probably just as well.
I talk to an old psych nurse if I ever see him (or guys from the pet team although that is much more uncomfortable).
I find it difficult seeing my GP in town. I guess it kind of makes me more aware of things I don't have in my life.
I haven't decided which is better anxiety or depression. Both are hard to deal with.
Deep breaths are good for both anxiety and panic. Keep reassuring yourself that you're OK. I've had panic attacks and while they're pretty scary it's better if you can try and relax into them and take back control.
I find activity good for anxiety or if you really felt like it you could try and sort out why you feel so anxious. My T gave me a card with some stuff on it. I'll post it another time.
I haven't done anything this morning. I wanted to ask a question on one of the expert forums but I was too slow.
Take care and have a good day.
Don't worry its good to vent i don't mind you listen to me often enough. I hope you GP is able to help, what is the review about? I wouldn't mind still living with my parents sometimes it would be nice to have no responsibilty sometimes. A farm that sounds really nice.
I guess at times i am not to bad although it is more of a struggle now than it was 2 months ago, i think my older children sense something but they haven't said anything, i don't want them to know because i don't want them to see me that way i want to appear in control. My social worker was right when she said that i put on a front but she said that her and my therapist know that underneath all is not well, i thought they didn't but she said they know more than i let on. My partner gets up in the morning and takes my children to school then he looks after the younger ones i stay in bed until lunchtime even then its hard to get up and decide what to wear, i dress the younger ones and sometimes i make their lunch, maybe do some housework but other than that i do very little compared to what i used to do, i used to have full responsibilty for them and coped very well with it but now i crack at the slightest thing like losing the TV remote. I live in my own world half the time and i like it there, sometimes i want to be alone and i wish they would all go away so i could just go to bed, sometimes i just want to get in the car and drive away i seem to not care anymore about those i leave behind, i used to never be like that if i left my children a few hours i felt bad, i wish i knew why i changed so much. We try to keep the children's lives as normal as possible so hopefully they won't notice too much.
The fact that my parents barely speak to me now is also upsetting its like i matter so little to them that they don't care they have never asked how i am now, in my life i have very little people who care doesn't really say much for me, thats why sometimes if i wasn't here i know that very little people would care.
Yeah sometimes i wish my therapist would just admit me but i guess he doesn't want me to lose trust in him either or be afraid to talk to him. My social worker needs to sort out the respite for me but maybe i will say to her about it, even though she won't be able to visit to me i'm sure i should be ok.
You still have a therapist don't you? Why i'm asking is that sometimes i see mine out of his office i feel so uncomfortable and end up avoiding him then i feel bad because he is very good to me, i think though maybe he is as uncomfortable as me but then i think i look into it too much instead of just saying hello and not worrying about it. The down side to not feeling so depressed is that the anxiety rises and i panic constantly and i am so restless and agitated but i know then the depression will set in again its just a constant cycle.
I hope you have a good day.
I guess at times i am not to bad although it is more of a struggle now than it was 2 months ago, i think my older children sense something but they haven't said anything, i don't want them to know because i don't want them to see me that way i want to appear in control. My social worker was right when she said that i put on a front but she said that her and my therapist know that underneath all is not well, i thought they didn't but she said they know more than i let on. My partner gets up in the morning and takes my children to school then he looks after the younger ones i stay in bed until lunchtime even then its hard to get up and decide what to wear, i dress the younger ones and sometimes i make their lunch, maybe do some housework but other than that i do very little compared to what i used to do, i used to have full responsibilty for them and coped very well with it but now i crack at the slightest thing like losing the TV remote. I live in my own world half the time and i like it there, sometimes i want to be alone and i wish they would all go away so i could just go to bed, sometimes i just want to get in the car and drive away i seem to not care anymore about those i leave behind, i used to never be like that if i left my children a few hours i felt bad, i wish i knew why i changed so much. We try to keep the children's lives as normal as possible so hopefully they won't notice too much.
The fact that my parents barely speak to me now is also upsetting its like i matter so little to them that they don't care they have never asked how i am now, in my life i have very little people who care doesn't really say much for me, thats why sometimes if i wasn't here i know that very little people would care.
Yeah sometimes i wish my therapist would just admit me but i guess he doesn't want me to lose trust in him either or be afraid to talk to him. My social worker needs to sort out the respite for me but maybe i will say to her about it, even though she won't be able to visit to me i'm sure i should be ok.
You still have a therapist don't you? Why i'm asking is that sometimes i see mine out of his office i feel so uncomfortable and end up avoiding him then i feel bad because he is very good to me, i think though maybe he is as uncomfortable as me but then i think i look into it too much instead of just saying hello and not worrying about it. The down side to not feeling so depressed is that the anxiety rises and i panic constantly and i am so restless and agitated but i know then the depression will set in again its just a constant cycle.
I hope you have a good day.
Confidentiality freaks me out a little too sometimes. I guess it's hard when the support you are accessing is accessible to the public. Often I want the support or info, etc but want the privacy. Strange really when they're kind of mutually exclusive.
I also don't have children that I need to protect. That must make it harder.
Having someone contact you that week could also be helpful. That was a good suggestion by your T. That way you don't have to initiate the contact but you know that there will be contact and support available if needed.
Or if you feel competent enough you could keep control and be the one to call (the after hours team, etc). I have accessed them several times (here they are the PET team or psych emergency team) and they can be good to talk too.
Maybe when you go to respite this week you could arrange more for next week. It would probably be easier through your social worker, wouldn't it?
Sometimes I wish T's would just be more assertive and admit us when necessary. I mean don't force a truck load of treatment on us that we don't want but provide us with a safe environment and some support. I think that this could at times help our recovery process.
It may put more stress on him in the short-term but long-term it would mean that you are better able to cope and tolerate stuff (and function) and that would put less pressure on him.
Better than any med then. I think it is the thought of going and what that means to you that is the stressful part. Often when we are there or start participating the anxiety decreases. Often things aren't as bad as we think they'll be.
Take any accomplishment. They are what help to rebuild our confidence in ourselves. They make us feel heaps better too!! =)
I think it does get better on its own briefly but that is before we are hit by the next assault.
Your T is a very wise person.
How are you managing with your kids? How are they managing? They must sense that something isn't right. Do you think you could have had post-natal depression?
I think trying to hide things would be absolutely exhausting. Especially from both your children and your partner.
You must be doing much better than me. I really couldn't deal with all that responsibility. Even looking after myself sometimes feels like a chore. It has been a huge effort. That's what depression does to you.
You probably need a long break. Tough when you're a parent though and can't bare to be separated from your children.
Not a bad day. I wish I were more proactive though and wanting to do more work. I've been feeling really shut down for a long time and it's not really conducive to working (or productivity for that matter).
I am living at home with my parents on their farm and that and the work makes me feel even more depressed.
I am waiting for this independent review before I commit to leaving, etc. As much as I love it here with the issues my parents (and I) have it's not sustainable. I don't want to feel depressed indefinitely. I think I may still feel down, just not this down.
My GP is back next week. It would be nice if there were some progress. I shouldn't need to wait for a review to make changes, etc.
Sorry! There's some of my venting.
I also don't have children that I need to protect. That must make it harder.
Having someone contact you that week could also be helpful. That was a good suggestion by your T. That way you don't have to initiate the contact but you know that there will be contact and support available if needed.
Or if you feel competent enough you could keep control and be the one to call (the after hours team, etc). I have accessed them several times (here they are the PET team or psych emergency team) and they can be good to talk too.
Maybe when you go to respite this week you could arrange more for next week. It would probably be easier through your social worker, wouldn't it?
Sometimes I wish T's would just be more assertive and admit us when necessary. I mean don't force a truck load of treatment on us that we don't want but provide us with a safe environment and some support. I think that this could at times help our recovery process.
It may put more stress on him in the short-term but long-term it would mean that you are better able to cope and tolerate stuff (and function) and that would put less pressure on him.
Better than any med then. I think it is the thought of going and what that means to you that is the stressful part. Often when we are there or start participating the anxiety decreases. Often things aren't as bad as we think they'll be.
Take any accomplishment. They are what help to rebuild our confidence in ourselves. They make us feel heaps better too!! =)
I think it does get better on its own briefly but that is before we are hit by the next assault.
Your T is a very wise person.
How are you managing with your kids? How are they managing? They must sense that something isn't right. Do you think you could have had post-natal depression?
I think trying to hide things would be absolutely exhausting. Especially from both your children and your partner.
You must be doing much better than me. I really couldn't deal with all that responsibility. Even looking after myself sometimes feels like a chore. It has been a huge effort. That's what depression does to you.
You probably need a long break. Tough when you're a parent though and can't bare to be separated from your children.
Not a bad day. I wish I were more proactive though and wanting to do more work. I've been feeling really shut down for a long time and it's not really conducive to working (or productivity for that matter).
I am living at home with my parents on their farm and that and the work makes me feel even more depressed.
I am waiting for this independent review before I commit to leaving, etc. As much as I love it here with the issues my parents (and I) have it's not sustainable. I don't want to feel depressed indefinitely. I think I may still feel down, just not this down.
My GP is back next week. It would be nice if there were some progress. I shouldn't need to wait for a review to make changes, etc.
Sorry! There's some of my venting.
I have two teenagers, two primary school age and two toddlers, i don't like putting too much information on this incase someone i know reads this i know its highly unlikely though. No, i will be on my own next week when they are both of, there is the out of hours service and my therapist asked did i want one of his colleagues to contact me but i said no that it was ok. I have respite this week and then they are of i have nothing planned that week, maybe a night in respite then would be good, you are probably right i am calmer because i know i am going there.
Yeah, my therapist is really good he doesn't take over he wants me to feel in control even though i don't, even when he wanted me to go to hospital he got my social worker to encourage me more, i think he was afraid i would blame him for it but i know he was trying to help.
I agree with you i can say that now about the hospital because i don't feel like that at this moment and if i came to feeling like that again i would be fighting with myself again, its always a battle.
I will try talking to my partner but he doesn't know how bad i feel all the time i try to hide it because it stresses him and he doesn't cope well under stress.
I can see now why respite is so good if it calms me beforehand but on the morning of the day i go i get so anxious and panicky its unreal and even there last time i panicked but i knew i needed to stay to prove to myself that i could.
I think not accepting how bad i feel doesn't help either i seem to think it will go away on its own.
Well, no planning for tonight anyway, i know it would hurt others and my therapist told me he would be devastated and told me that he is human too and has feelings too, i seem to think its just his job but i guess maybe i need to think of him as human too.
Hope you have a good day
Yeah, my therapist is really good he doesn't take over he wants me to feel in control even though i don't, even when he wanted me to go to hospital he got my social worker to encourage me more, i think he was afraid i would blame him for it but i know he was trying to help.
I agree with you i can say that now about the hospital because i don't feel like that at this moment and if i came to feeling like that again i would be fighting with myself again, its always a battle.
I will try talking to my partner but he doesn't know how bad i feel all the time i try to hide it because it stresses him and he doesn't cope well under stress.
I can see now why respite is so good if it calms me beforehand but on the morning of the day i go i get so anxious and panicky its unreal and even there last time i panicked but i knew i needed to stay to prove to myself that i could.
I think not accepting how bad i feel doesn't help either i seem to think it will go away on its own.
Well, no planning for tonight anyway, i know it would hurt others and my therapist told me he would be devastated and told me that he is human too and has feelings too, i seem to think its just his job but i guess maybe i need to think of him as human too.
Hope you have a good day
They have a drop-in clinic. I'll wait. I feel incredibly frustrated. I was extremely angry yesterday.
How old are your children?
Yes, it is hard to contact others and to ask for help. Have you planned for respite care the week they are away? Having that in place before they are away may help.
I think you probably feel calmer because you have the respite in place. That can take some pressure off, for a little while at least.
I think that that would be a good decision to make especially at this time.
It would probably be easy to make that decision though because in this moment you don't believe you will be in that situation again. Speaking from experience here.
No, not good but you will get better. Crying is good. At least you're getting rid of some of your hurt.
Good on your T to manipulate you for your own benefit.
No planning and no acting. You will hurt people. I'm not talking to you so that you can feel energized enough to kill yourself. No way!! You can show people how much you hurt in other ways. Life doesn't have to be a power struggle. Everyone is trying to help you. Help you find a space where you feel comfortable, happy, content, ...
Calm is good. Deep breathing can help you reach that place too.
I still think that while you are making decisions (and making good ones) that you should get your partner on board regarding hospital/ respite, etc.
You could ask your partner not to be soft on you. I know he does it because he sees you hurting but it's not helping either of you.
Have you ever watched Super Nanny? It can be a bit like that. The kids will kick and scream to start with but then they relax and become much happier.
Good luck with everything today (tonight).
How old are your children?
Yes, it is hard to contact others and to ask for help. Have you planned for respite care the week they are away? Having that in place before they are away may help.
I think you probably feel calmer because you have the respite in place. That can take some pressure off, for a little while at least.
I think that that would be a good decision to make especially at this time.
It would probably be easy to make that decision though because in this moment you don't believe you will be in that situation again. Speaking from experience here.
No, not good but you will get better. Crying is good. At least you're getting rid of some of your hurt.
Good on your T to manipulate you for your own benefit.
No planning and no acting. You will hurt people. I'm not talking to you so that you can feel energized enough to kill yourself. No way!! You can show people how much you hurt in other ways. Life doesn't have to be a power struggle. Everyone is trying to help you. Help you find a space where you feel comfortable, happy, content, ...
Calm is good. Deep breathing can help you reach that place too.
I still think that while you are making decisions (and making good ones) that you should get your partner on board regarding hospital/ respite, etc.
You could ask your partner not to be soft on you. I know he does it because he sees you hurting but it's not helping either of you.
Have you ever watched Super Nanny? It can be a bit like that. The kids will kick and scream to start with but then they relax and become much happier.
Good luck with everything today (tonight).
Thats bound to be frustrating having to wait to next week, can you get an emergency appointment if you want one? I talked to my social worker today and i am going to respite again on Thursday night i am taking small steps and then my therapist wants me to work it up to stay a week so he can do some intensive therapy for trauma. So i agreed to go its hard for me to leave my children for so long but i told him as i won't take medication i will go to respite.
Its more open than the hospital but it still has its rules, both my therapist and social worker are of next week but i will see my social worker on Thursday and Friday at respite. They said i am to contact the out of hours if i feel i need to but that is easier said than done. My therapist said i need to take more control and he can't tell me what descions to make but he can help me make them when i decide what i need to do.
I feel slighty calmer today but i think its because i am too tired to be suicidal, so hopefully it stays that way but i know in a few days it will be building again, maybe i need to decide that if i get like that again i will contact them and be admitted and stick with my decision. My partner is too soft and gives into me too easily and he won't make me stay somewhere if i am scared. i found hospital boring and i cried all the time everytime someone spoke to me i cried at them, not good. Possibly if i had medication now i would take it all when i would be in my out of control moments. I told my therapist i didn't want my children to know how bad i felt and he said that if i killed myself that they would find out i told him they wouldn't if i drove into something he said the police would know though because i had been reported missing twice and then admitted to hospital because of the amount of medication i had on me so he said they would find out so that was my escape plan thrown out the window. I can see what he was trying to do though and it worked, for now anyway, i think i need to plan it carefully but as i said i am too tired. At least i have reached one decison its calm today but if tomorrow or the next day changes i will go to hospital and i have respite on Thursday so if i hold out until then. I hope all is well with you, apart from the doctor cancelling.
Its more open than the hospital but it still has its rules, both my therapist and social worker are of next week but i will see my social worker on Thursday and Friday at respite. They said i am to contact the out of hours if i feel i need to but that is easier said than done. My therapist said i need to take more control and he can't tell me what descions to make but he can help me make them when i decide what i need to do.
I feel slighty calmer today but i think its because i am too tired to be suicidal, so hopefully it stays that way but i know in a few days it will be building again, maybe i need to decide that if i get like that again i will contact them and be admitted and stick with my decision. My partner is too soft and gives into me too easily and he won't make me stay somewhere if i am scared. i found hospital boring and i cried all the time everytime someone spoke to me i cried at them, not good. Possibly if i had medication now i would take it all when i would be in my out of control moments. I told my therapist i didn't want my children to know how bad i felt and he said that if i killed myself that they would find out i told him they wouldn't if i drove into something he said the police would know though because i had been reported missing twice and then admitted to hospital because of the amount of medication i had on me so he said they would find out so that was my escape plan thrown out the window. I can see what he was trying to do though and it worked, for now anyway, i think i need to plan it carefully but as i said i am too tired. At least i have reached one decison its calm today but if tomorrow or the next day changes i will go to hospital and i have respite on Thursday so if i hold out until then. I hope all is well with you, apart from the doctor cancelling.
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