I no longer know how to live my life

[dh123423]

I was very depressed in high school and I didn't really know it. My parents split when I was 15 and I was not really socially accepted at school as much as I wanted to be. My parents didn't really pay much attention to me growing up because of this. The one thing that made me hopeful that things would get better was that one day I would find love. I would make sure that I would give her all the compassion and understanding that she needed so that I would not end up like my parents. When I was leaving high school, I felt as it I had become a very mature and self-confident young man. Lifting weights and trying to be the best man made me feel better. I also got into a good college and I was making my family proud by going there. After going there for a year, I became very depressed and had lots of anxiety because I found that the school was not really for me. Deep down I didn't really like the school but I wanted to make my dad proud by going there. So basically I lost it mentally a little bit because my classes were too difficult and had to take an SSRI antidepressant for a year and go to community college back home in order to figure out what I wanted to do. The drug had sexual side effects, but that was ok, I knew that was normal. It was hard to leave that school and go back home and it really got me down, but eventually I got over it and I was doing a lot better. I decided it would be better to go to a school that I would enjoy more so I went to a different university after a year. I was loving life at this point. I felt my confidence come back in full force and I was ready to take on the world. There were hundreds of beautiful women surrounding me everyday at school and I loved it. I then decided that I felt ready to come off of the antidepressant, so I did my best to wean off of it (I felt that the psychiatrist put me on too high of a dosage). Anyways I felt fine for about a month. I first remember losing my confidence a little bit. Everything around me didn't seem as easy going. But that was ok, I figured that was part of the withdrawl. I eventually started to feel a little down, and I felt as if all of my testosterone was gone. I felt as if I did not care about girls for the first time in my life. I then started to feel a pain/numbness in my testicle. I decided to look up on the internet why I felt like this. I came across something called PSSD (post ssri sexual dysfunction). This extremely worried me and I got lots of anxiety about it. When I got home from school I went to the doctor immediately to figure out what was going on. They told me that they have never heard of it and that it was all in my head. I tried to control this anxiety/depression about this, but the problems persisted. I have no interest in girls. I can get aroused, but I basically have no sex drive. On top of that my testicle is numb every day and it is very uncomfortable. I have very little amount of semen also. So basically now I feel empty inside and that my ONE GOAL of being able to love a woman is gone. I also feel like that manly charge that has kept me going for years is gone. I have been emasculated. The interest and passion for women just doesn't seem to be there. Its extremely weird because I have always had a very strong sex drive. I now have an extremely low self-esteem and no motivation in life. I have suicidal thoughts every day. It is kind of hard to explain how all of the things in my life have lead up to this point. The worst part is I did this to myself by taking those stupid ******* pills. I now fear that the sexual problems will never go away and I will never be the that fun-loving person I used to be. I have tried to ignore these problems and live my life, but my mind just won't let it go. I have symptoms of general anxiety now and I am in a very dark place. I really feel that death would save me from the pain and humiliation that these problems are causing me. Anyways, I am a dude and I don't like to talk about this stuff cause I feel like a big wimp. I just feel like I should talk about this somewhere. The suicidal thoughts are running through my head constantly. How can I get the thoughts out of my head?

[dh123423]

I never said the ability to have sex is what makes a man a man. And yes I have thought about serious medical conditions that people have and it makes me feel grateful. I just feel like a part of my psyche is missing. The desire of a woman kept me going at hard times, but I now have no desires and I feel like I won't be able to fall in love. The fact that my sexual desires went from very high to minimal/nothing is very hard for me. I have A LOT of anxiety/OCD around the situation and it gets me depressed. The ironic thing is I went on this medication BECAUSE I FEARED FOR MY HEALTH. Now I actually do have a problem with my health when I was perfectly healthy before. Supposedly anxiety or ssri medications would make my problem worse so I guess I can't fall back on that. I walk around all shy and cowardly every day (with my numb testicle) not feeling like I will ever regain my true personality..... but thanks for your response.

[Weffette]

I really hope you don't equate the ability to have sex with being a man.  I realize you are young...but...think of those men that have had testicular cancer or diabetes...do you think these guys gave up on life because they couldn't get "laid"?
I am sorry that you don't have the same sex drive that you did before the medication. I am sorry that you feel that because your drive is lessoned, that you feel less of a man.
If not being able to "perform" the way you once did is reason for such depression, perhaps you should seek counseling.  
Having TERMINAL CANCER, ALS, inoperable BRAIN TUMORS, etc...  I could understand the thoughts of suicide...but a low sex drive? C'Mon, look at the bigger picture, please.