Listen to me very carefully, or try to at least because at times like these it is very hard to hear beyond your own despair. But I need to tell you that it will change. It will get better. Don't take a final step you can't take back. At the very least do the following... call a suicide hotline in your area. I know that it seems like everyone else has a perfect life but that isn't true. Ask me about mine sometime. It will scare the britches right off of ya. Just so you know, I have been where you are... more than once. It takes a lot of work to stay out of that hell, but it can be done. And it does get better. There is a lot of news about suicide these days since that poor guy jumped off a bridge because he was being bullied because he was gay. A lot of good people, famous and not famous are putting on a full court press to get this message out... it does get better. And since I have major depression that doesn't even need a trigger maybe my voice will carry more weight, at least I can only hope so. It does get better. And even finding joy is not impossible. I could rant on and on because I see how deeply you are hurting. I plead with you to call a hotline. At least to start. If not than stay in touch with me (us) here. One of the best things that I ever did to help me through was talk to people of my own kind. People without perfect lives living in a world that looked awful. You said you cut yourself. I burned. Same thing though. Same mistake too. It really isn't helping even if it momentarily feels like it does. Try not to do that. But keep looking for help. I want you to live. Can you hear that? I want you to live. You are me, you are one of my tribe and I want you to live.
I just want you to know that even though I've never met you in my life you mean so much to me. And hearing you in so much pain is hurtful. PLz listen to what beelzebubba is saying.And I am here to talk to you. I am here to help you if you need me. I've had suicidal thoughts too so we can relate. Please talk to me or anyone else on this site if you feel very low. We can help.
I've been where you are right now. I've attempted to do myself in three times in my younger years of life before I got any help. I can't believe I'm now 59 years old, I have a 30 yr. old son, been married for 35 years to the same guy, and somehow I survived my attempts and ended up experiencing some wonderful things in life I never would have thought could ever happen when i was in the black hole of depression. I went through major depressions almost every winter. They were horrible. Many times I just wanted out, but due to the wonderful family I had created, I wouldn't. Then I started going to therapy. That helped, but it did not stop the depressions, but boy did it really save me from myself. I finally found a drug called Effxor in my 40s that really helped control my decent's into hell. I still have to fight off depressions that set in given the right conditions. But, I've stopped thinking of killing myself because of all the good times I've had in-between. I've created my own loving family, friends and learned that tossing out those that hurt me was a necessary challenge to get well. There is no question that I have a chemical imbalance and I don't kid myself about it coming from the outside anymore. It's coming from within, I pushed people away, I stopped trying and caring, it was not others as I once thought. So I continue to try to control my depressions with medications, and hard work. I wonder at times about all I would have missed out on if I had succeeded back when I tried suicide. Just think. No marriage, no son that I love and who loves me, no trips to other Countries, no success that I made happen... So much I would have lost out on. Consider, before you do anything rash. Your in the black hole right now. Go find a life line right now. This is the challenge you have to deal with right now. Tomorrow, it might be something fun and wonderful as long as you hang in there and work on yourself and your issues.