Avatar universal

to Jaquta

Therapy was terrible i talked too much, it ended up he doesn't know how to help, to help with past issuses i need to see someone else, i'm not sure if he is even going to the trauma therapy he said he needs to talk it over with my social worker, i feel like a lost cause, like i can't be helped. I left confused, then i went home and couldn't settle, i was going to complete my suicide ideas today but then i rang the mental health team not to speak to him but to the duty officer but they knew who i was and put me through to him, i told him i didn't want to speak to him but i rang to say goodbye. Then he went through it all again and he sounded really upset making me upset then, he said he would be devastated if i ended our relationship now he said he was being totally honest and open with me and it would destroy him as a person if i done that now. I hate that making me feel responsible for him. I was on my way out of town but he talked me into coming back and going back to see him i was afraid i had said too much but it was ok, we talked i was still annoyed though i am getting really fed up with it now, he said he will call me in the morning to see how i feel. The social worker is carrying out a carer's assessment with my partner on Thursday to see how he feels everything is going, i hate the fact that she is doing it in her office and i can't be present i feel like they are going behind my back. I seem to hate everything including myself and my pathetic promise to keep myself safe how pathetic am i when i need to make a promise like that. I am sure i will go mad at some point if it goes on like this.
I hope you have a better day than me.
I hope you have a better day than i had.
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Avatar universal
I would always feel frustrated and depressed after seeing the doctor (or T or social worker or nurse if I were really unwell) and I felt that they didn't understand or no affirmative action was taken.  Often I think I just wanted to be chucked in hospital.  I wanted the freedom and independence to make decisions but I also wanted others to help (probably more with my social life).

Obviously the doctor was concerned about safety.  I personally thought he would have admitted you to hospital and are a little surprised he didn't, especially based on the content of your discussions.  In some respects it is probably less helpful that he didn't although it does make you responsible and that can be a good thing.

Medication doesn't make the thoughts go away but it can alleviate the depression (which can cause suicidal thoughts).
Our situations seem a little similar yet I was hospitalized, forced to take medication and then threatened with ect.  With you, they just tell you to ring if you have problems.

The contributing factors (your mum, your partner, the ptsd, etc) can all affect your mood.  Underlying issues, such as your contributing factors, etc, can cause you to become depressed.  Resolve the underlying issues and you will resolve the depression (and the anxiety, etc).

He will probably just discuss how high he feels your risk of self-harm is.  And maybe touch on your 'contributing factors' and your diagnoses.  Not sure.  I don't think they have huge amounts of time to discuss us.

Because the doctor didn't meet some of your expectations.  Maybe expectations of having things made better.

When I am not depressed I generally have a diagnosis of severe dysthymia (chronic low mood).

I guess safety was the priority but discussing that has left you feeling unfulfilled.  If he discussed the other stuff then you would most likely feel let down that safety wasn't discussed.  It's a difficult situation to be in.
I just read a news article that said a person was assessed by a second-year trainee counsellor who ticked boxes to say he was depressed and suicidal and then let the guy go.  He killed himself two weeks later.  Safety was the most important thing to be discussed during your consult (in my opinion anyway).
A psychiatrist will almost always ask about medication, probably more so if it's something you're not interested in.  I gave up going to psych appointments because it was inevitably about meds and nothing was changing.  Now I think that unless there is appropriate psychological support I will not consider anything anyway.  They have to make some compromises too.

I hope your night out goes well.

A bit stressed but I get to go to town today and get the mail.  Hopefully not too much junk food, I want to try and limit the rubbish I eat.  I would like to be an ideal weight next year for when I do my triathlon.  Well, that's the goal anyway.  
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Avatar universal
It went ok at the doctors apart from he was running late and my therapist decided to talk to him first, i waited almost 45 mins before i went in to see him, my partner rang in the middle of wondering where i was then he didn't believe me and asked to speak to the doctor i said no i was so embarassed.
Anyway he never told me much about what he thought, he just talked about the suicidal thoughts and my therapist told him i am unpredictable and he is concerned that i won't control the thoughts. So we just talked about safety and that i can contact him at any time and my therapist and social worker, he said there is no medication for suicidal thoughts that its up to me to tell them when i feel like that and they will help me. I asked him why do i feel like this he said i am depressed and i have many contributing life factors causing this, thats all he said, i get the feeling it was all just about safety i left feeling annoyed as usual, i don't know why. He will probably tell my therapist what he thinks in more detail.
My social worker rang to see how i was i said i'm ok, stressed, anxious, hyper but still here.
Why do i still feel frustrated, its driving me mad. Now its not major depression anymore its contionous depression before they hoped it would leave but it seems i have been depressed longer than i thought, with major depression apparently it runs a course of usually six months then it leaves it can come back though.
I hope my therapist can tell me more. I thought he would ask me other stuff but he didn't so maybe thats why i'm frustrated.
I had nightmares but they weren't as bad and i am hyper today, i am going out tonight, i went shopping to get something but i gave up i was too anxious and no concentration at all i will find something i already have, i hope.
He also suggested medication but i said no.
I hope all is well with you, i have to collect my son from school might distract my mind for a while.
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Avatar universal
Feel free to vent i don't mind listening. I am still awake but i need to go to bed i am so tired. I know the doctor will talk of medication but i still don't want it.
Maybe going to town could help in other ways, something different for a while, i eat junk food too when feeling bad, it doesn't help i hate the way i look as it is.
I hope you have a less stressful day today.
I am going to try to sleep hopefully with no nightmares.
I hope you have a good day.
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Avatar universal
It's probably all the stress and anxiety.  The images can be due to all the stuff going on in your head.  The stuff you need to process.
I've had nightmares off and on all my life.  Some extremely scary.  Some that wouldn't seem out of place in a horror movie (although these days that could be real life).

I agree.  Your partner needs to give you some breathing space.  Else it is counter-productive and you get even more stressed.

My life currently consists of eating and sleeping and watching TV and using the computer.  I feel really stuck and trapped at the moment.  I guess the problem is that I have been here too long and I'm avoiding absolutely everything.
I was keen to go to town today to get more junk food.  Probably not a good idea.  I hate feeding the emptiness that is caused by lack of motivation and unhealthy thought patterns.  I am also desperate for that appointment to come.
There's more stress at home too.  I didn't tell you that yesterday mum put the cat in a sack for dad to drown.  Granted the cat can be a little annoying (it wants food and nurturing.  Usually it annoys me the most but I was out for a bit yesterday).  Anyway, I rescued it.  It's just stupid little things that can be stressful.  Dad took the glass off the oven door to clean and we've had problems getting it back on.  Is still off.  Mum drained are water cylinder to get air locks out of the pipes and lost the washer, etc.  Just stupid things that are stressful and time-consuming.

Sorry for venting.  I hope your appointment with the doctor goes well tomorrow.
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Avatar universal
I know the time is confusing its almost ten thirty here at night and i think its ten thirty in your morning. I had a busy day i was supposed to be at respite tonight but i didn't go. I got my hair highlighted today i was so bored with it. My partner met with my social worker this morning and i didn't like it, i know it wasn't all about me it was what my partner thought about how things are going, he told her things were moving too slow and he thought more could be done to help me. I didn't like them talking about me behind my back. I was talking to her this afternoon and she told me all they talked about and i was just being over anxious. I told her i couldn't go to respite i had nightmares last night and my partner woke me from them and i am scared to sleep alone i have them alot they said its part of the PTSD. I have the doctors at 10am then my social worker said she will call me and so did my therapist to see how i got on. I am so tired with it all now. They are planning a meeting on Wednesday morning with myself, my therapist, social worker and the woman who helps me from womans aid they want to know what all together they can do.
Its hard for me to tell them what the problem is as i don't know myself i know i have problems but i don't know how to sort it. I am staying with my therapist for now and when this somewhat better i can go for the other therapy then so at least i have made that decision.
I know maybe a short stay in hospital would do no harm so maybe if they ask again i will go. I am afraid to talk to the doctor, afraid of what he will do.
I had a very strange evening yesterday i felt not real i couldn't concentrate and when i was trying to sleep i had horrible images in my head i never had that before.
My partner was checking up on me yesterday again and my stuff i had looked up, he even rang the hair dressers today to speak to me to make sure i was there. I understand he is concerned but he needs to ease off.
I am supposed to be going out tomorrow night i'm not sure i want to, its hard to be out socially i haven't been out in so long.
How did you spend your day? I hope you are well, don't worry about people in your house, i get like that even with family i am too tired to pretend even with family.
I am so tired i hope no nightmares tonight, i need to be awake to talk to the doctor.
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Avatar universal
And it will continue to grow.  Providing you stay and work with it.
If people are that concerned do you think that taking some steps may allay their fears.
Their concerns aren't unfounded, right?  Do you think hospital may be a reasonable short-term option?  Just asking.
I guess having more information may mean that they may have to adjust their treatment plan.  From that prospective, do you think talking may have helped move things forward a little?  I understand everything is still stressful but in a small way do you feel less anxious about having to carry so much?  Maybe still too early for it to be a relief??

But they should be able to sift though your issues and provide support and direction.  While you know your issues intimately they can stand back and be more objective.
In my situation I don't think people understand enough of every aspect to really make a difference.  They may think I should be doing something but they don't actually realize that there is more dysfunction below that is making it difficult to follow through.

Only you know what you are strong enough for.  A psychoanalyst should be able to nurture you through a therapeutic process.  I was pretty unwell and had mega issues when my T came and we somehow managed to work through stuff.
If you all think that working with your current T is best, and it probably more stabilizing talking to the same person, then you should stay and focus all your energy on that.

I use to be incredibly patient.  I just have no time for it now.  Sad but true.  Maybe when I have made a little more progress things will settle down again.  No more frustration at drivers who drive way below the speed limit (when I'm in a hurry).  Or old people who insist on jamming up the supermarket aisles with their trolleys and are oblivious to the mayhem they are causing.  Maybe I just need to learn to relax more.  And maybe get a little more organized.

Tell him it's a good way for you to distract from the negativity, etc (or whatever).

I think you're right.  I probably withdraw when I don't feel heard, like really heard, or validated.

We've just had someone in to drop some tiles off.  They are planning on doing some tiling next week.  I hate people in the house.  I find it gets a bit annoying.

I didn't make an appointment to see my GP next week but hopefully things will be OK.  And hopefully that appointment for the review will come through.

I hope you have a good day too and that your appointments go well.  It gets a bit confusing sometimes with the different time zones.  I'm curious to see how you get on with the doctor tomorrow.  I hope that goes well too.
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Avatar universal
I think he only came to take the call because i had rang to say goodbye normally he wouldn't his calls aren't even put through if he is with someone so it was my fault really. I don't want to leave my therapist now, it has taken a long time to build the relationship.
The social worker rang this morning and said my therapist was talking to her this morning and that he was concerned so she called me and she said to come in at 2pm. I told her if my therapist was confused there wasn't much hope for me was there, she said he's only confused because he wants to be sure he is doing the right thing and she said i have more problems and issues that they knew so they need to be sure what to do, so i suppose at least they are trying to help, i suppose if i'm confused its no wonder i confuse them. She also said that i wouldn't be ready for the analytical therapy yet and that my current therapist could help get strong enough for it.
I like what you say, you tell it how it is and thats good, i am open to advice, sometimes i can be over sensititve but mostly its ok.
I don't think you should walk away no matter how frustrated and angry you get, i have no patientence at all i am a disaster i want everything done now no waiting, like you and your dessert lol.
I'm very anxious today and trying to keep the peace with my partner, he is complaining about me being on the internet, would he prefer i have too much time to think and feel alone.
Talking helps if i feel i am being listened to if i don't feel it then i get frustrated and angry and then i give up talking.
Hope all is well with you.
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Avatar universal
You both have to work hard at it.  And me too.  Therapy and progress are never easy.
Didn't you say you spoke to your T lots, or disclosed lots?  Isn't that you making an effort to pull that wall down?
Just be patient.  I guess it's a bit like a cake.  You can't just jam it in the oven and expect it to be cooked.  It needs time and other factors (such as heat, etc).  Maybe a bad example.  I'm very impatient and have been known to chuck desserts in the microwave to cook faster.  One minute on high versus 30-40 minutes in the oven.  I'm sure you lose quality though.
Anyway, I guess with us we need to find the right ingredients (T, therapy, etc) and be patient.

I try and limit my contact with my GP when I am very, very angry but I actually should increase it.  Practically I can't really see him more than once a week.  Plus I can't afford it now.
When things are really, really bad I also cut myself off from everyone.  It seems to help for a bit but long-term it is not the best solution.  That's probably what I'm struggling with at the moment.  Usually I would walk away from the mess of the mhs but I am dependent on them to fund the independent opinion.  This time walking away would mean that I can't access potential help and that could leave me stuck here indefinitely.

I don't think your T should take calls during other patient's appointments.  I feel would angry if my T left during my appointment to take a phone call from another patient.
I'm not saying don't ring because I think you should.  I think your T should wait till his patient has left before accessing messages or returning phone calls, etc.  My last T was very firm about limits and boundaries and she would not violate the boundaries of our relationship by having her phone on during sessions let alone leave to talk to someone.  That's not very professional.  Your T gets a black mark from me for that.

Whoops!  Maybe you don't want to leave your current T?
Can you do the two therapies at the same time (but on different days of the week or whatever)?  Would that work or be an option?

That's good to know.  I can be a bit blunt sometimes (a lot of the time) and sometimes I wonder how it affects people.  Maybe I shouldn't say this or say that.

Does talking help do you think?  Half the time I wonder if I put my big proverbial foot in it and make matters worse.
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Avatar universal
I totally get that about trying to punish him, not intentionally because i wouldn't do that, but i expect so much from him maybe too much, i really wanted him to help so badly and i guess he didn't. I was going to try and limit my contact with him, i feel at times i need him too much but then again i guess that is his job. I know saying goodbye was asking for help because i want it to stop. I feel like i am getting no where and i am afraid he will give up on me i will resist him so much and he will give up, he said i have a brick wall built around me and he said he can't get it broken down i resist him all the time.
I am frustrated at myself. I have been mostly honest with my partner but i know he is going to say he doesn't think i am getting enough help because he tells me that. I just hope he tells me what is said after and the social worker is taking me to respite that evening so she might tell me how it went.
I agree he has always been there and when i rang today he was with another patient and he came and took my call so he cares, i need to remember that try talking.
He didn't say he couldn't help, he said he couldn't help with the past and the underlying issuses he is a cbt therapist and he said he can help with the trauma i had recently and the panic and stuff but after i finish with him i have the option of returning to the analytical therapy i was in before, but he was getting too close and i was then referred to cbt because the panic and anxiety was too much, i was only supposed to be with my therapist i have now for eight weeks then i was supposed to return to the other therapist but that was five and half years ago and i am still with him, i think he doesn't want to make me feel like he has abandoned me.
My partner will just have to put up with what i read and trust me, talking here does more good than harm.
I am tired it is late here, i need to try and sleep.
Thanks for helping me see things more clearly.
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Avatar universal
Just carrying over from the last post.  No, no idea when the review will be.  Hopefully this lifetime!  You could also always delete your search history or if you would prefer we can chat somewhere else.  Maybe a journal entry or message or something?  Or he can just trust that you are being sensible and that chatting on a suicide forum isn't necessarily a bad thing.  I'm sure my family do the history searches too.  It doesn't really mean much (unless it is taken in context, which it can't be as they don't know what is going through our heads -unless they ask).

Not terrible, just different and scary.
Did he say that, that he doesn't know how to help?  The psychological issues should still have similar roots/ themes.
There's help for all of us.  This is more about them than us.  They don't have the skill or experience.
Your T may need to talk to his supervisor (all T's should be in their own supervision).
Your anxiety is most likely because he didn't contain it.  When people don't provide structure or seem not to be able to tolerate things I say it leaves me feeling ...unsettled.

Talking to others isn't the solution it just splits the treatment and team and makes everything worse.  I've done this myself.  When I was in therapy and the only contact was between me and my T it worked really well.  Really, really well.

It sounds like you may have been trying to punish him or destroy him because he wasn't perfect at being able to help.  Ringing is you reaching out for help.  You're giving mixed messages.  saying goodbye but at the same time desperately needing the help and the support.

More like it would hurt his ego.  Everyone has one.
You are not responsible for him or his emotional well-being.  That is his responsibility, not yours.

Deep breaths.  They are only thoughts and feelings, memories and words, etc.  That's what Dr Gould said to me.  He also said that they can't hurt us.  Which is true.

I've been saying that heaps too.  I'm fed up.  I've had enough.  From a psychological point of view it just shows that this is referring to earlier childhood stuff.  You know, like when a child is nursing, etc.  This is the same with over-eating.  Goes back to that same developmental stage.  Most often it is not even about what is going on now in this moment.  It's not that you're fed up with your T, etc.  I think it's because we didn't get our emotional needs met when we were younger.

I hate it when others talk about me too and I'm not present.  My T would involve me with most things.  Not all the meetings but she would let me know what was going on.  Also my GP is the same.  He is usually pretty transparent and will give me copies of letters he has sent or received, etc.  It helps me and helps me to relax so I don't become so paranoid.
I hate it anyway.  I like to feel like I can control the situation (by being present).  Don't you wish you could be a fly on the wall sometimes.
Maybe after this meeting you can ask that there be transparency.  If any of them have anything to say they say it with you present.  Are you being honest with your partner?  Is he with you?  You should be able to do this with all of you present.

You don't have to promise anyone anything, including yourself.  I make those all the time.  Or maybe not so much promises but this is what I am going to do -then never do.  I guess it's a silent commitment to myself.  Or maybe even a voiced one.

It's started out pretty rubbish.   Mum went to drain our hot water cylinder (because there are air locks in our system and we keep having cold showers).  Then lost a washer, etc.  Big drama's anyway.  Things are getting back to normal now.

Hold your head up.  You can do this.  What's going on is probably good despite it feeling so damn bad.
When you talk, you then feel more vulnerable and therefore threatened which means you utilize more of those primitive defense mechanisms which keep you stuck and hurting.  Work with the feelings.  And remember they can't hurt you.
Everything just feels so raw but it will improve.  Your T has been consistent and consistently there.  That is also a good thing.  Talk to him.
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