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572805 tn?1217209785

BPD Step-daughter, Smoking, Issues with 'Real' mom

My stepdaughter was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder a couple of months ago after she ran away.  She was missing for just a short time and had cut herself (on purpose) while she was missing.  She had been caught smoking by her stepfather at her mothers house and was unhappy with all of her parents so decided to leave.  She just didn't have enough forethought to plan where to go, so she was thankfully found and returned home.
She was diagnosed with BPD and is taking an anti-depressant and a low-dose mood stabilizer to help with it.  She also very irregularly sees a counselor, about once every two weeks.  We continue to have problems.
Her dad has primary custody and she sees her mom every other weekend and once a week.  Through our research into BPD, we are almost positive that her mom is undiagnosed BPD to a very extreme degree.  The mom is self medicating with alcohol to the extent of 3-4 beers a night, she is very instable with relationships, blah, blah, blah.  My stepdaughter hits all the criteria to a less extent, her mom hits all the criteria to a major extent.
So, here's the problem:
My stepdaughter continues to sneak smoking, we learned recently she's starting to snitch alcohol (we lock it up in our house), she lies, and has some very destructive, but typical BPD behaviors.  We can't make any progress, in fact it seems to be getting worse, because what ever we do here to help her, is counteracted MASSIVELY over at her mothers house.  To the point where she came home tonight and said the only place where she is happy is at her mom's (where she is pretty much free to do what she pleases) and we are making her miserable.  For example: We tell her not to hang out with a certain kid, that kid is a VIP at mom's house.  She gets a consequence at our house for smoking, she has to talk to her mom about it, and that's it.  
We don't know what to do.  Any suggestions?  Courses of action?
2 Responses
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572805 tn?1217209785
Thank you!  
We thought about "letting" her smoke in order to make it something she can't rebel against us with, but that opens up the nasty child endangerment issues that could get brought up in a custody case.  If there ever is one.
I will bring up the medication thing with her dr. next visit in about a month.  I don't know enough about that, I need to educate myself about medication.
Thank you again for your advice!
Helpful - 0
573032 tn?1217237995
Hi there.  I understand what you're going through.  I thought I’d off some advice from a 22 year olds point of view.  I would choose my battles very carefully.  Your step daughter is going to continue to smoke, regardless of weather you punish her or not, so fine, if she wants to smoke, let her.  I had the same problem with my mother.  She ended up letting me smoke, and eventually I just stopped because it didn't **** her off anymore.  

If your step daughter is going to therapy and things at home are getting worse, maybe its time to switch therapists.  I would also suggest upping her medication, or changing it.  Sometimes, a different medication can make all the difference.  It doesn't say how old your step daughter is, but I’m assuming she’s a teenager, and a whole lot of teenagers have these same problems.  I’m sure you'll find comfort in talking to other parents who are going through the same thing. They are out there trust me!  You aren't alone.  

her mother is clearly has issues of her own, and it doesn't sound like those are going to change anytime soon, so if I were you, I’d just try to run as much interference as I could between the two.  

I wish you luck with your situation.  Your step daughter doesn't know how lucky she is to have a parent like you that cares about her.  And thank god for that, because her mother sure isn't stepping up to the plate.  I promise with time it will get easier, but remember, chose your battles wisely because you'll win the war if you do!
Helpful - 0
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