So taking a quick glance through the rest of this topic, I realize that I'm in a far better position than most, situation-wise. My parents are still together and healthy (even though my father can have some incredibly ****-ish moments from time to time), I haven't experienced death really at all in my life other than one grandparent when I was 10, and I'm in a serious, loving and considerably happy relationship. So I guess I feel like I don't really have the right to feel depressed, given the situations of most other people. But that doesn't stop me from looking for help, and seeing as my boyfriend is unavailable right now, I'm not all that comfortable talking to my mother, and friends are a luxury I don't exactly possess: here I am.
My name is Lauryn and I'm 17, and though I haven't been properly diagnosed, there's a hell of a lot of evidence to suggest I suffer from some kind of anxiety disorder, possible aspergers, depression and a pretty obscure personality disorder. All except from the last I've had for as long as I can remember. I've lost every single close relationship I've had throughout my life (with the exception of my boyfriend), including a best friend of over 5 years quite recently. I've lost all interest in things I enjoyed that I could possibly make a future out of (art and writing) which has caused me to be absent from Sixth Form/College for over 4 weeks now and also have absolutely no hope for my future whatsoever. I've had quite a lot of suicidal thoughts as of late and I've begun self-harming again after over a year. The only time I actually feel any kind of happiness is when I'm with my boyfriend, and I was supposedly referred for professional treatment a few weeks ago. I haven't had any news about that since.
I honestly don't know what I expect to gain from this. Someone to talk to, I guess? I'm scared to do that with my boyfriend in case he realizes just how damaged I really am and stops wasting his time on me - or he doesn't but I waste the time dwelling on negatives and miss my window to be happy for the day. And I've also tried to find and sign up to teenage depression support forums, but attempts at that were unsuccessful, and hotlines and the such are out of the question because I'm really quite ******* terrified of physically speaking to people I don't know.
(Just as a kind of side-note, I'm really not usually as brash as I've probably come across writing this. Tonight is just one of those rare occasions where I feel anger, sadness and hopelessness instead of the plain old hopeless sadness.(Also, I'm aware I use far too many words like really, quite, slightly etc...(I can't for the life of me remember the name for those types of words) In a strange way, they're kind of like a weird comforting mechanism))
