Hi there. Firstly, it's fantastic that you're reaching out and looking for help/answers. Depression is an illness that is so much harder to fight alone!
Are you seeing someone (a therapist, or psychologist, counsellor, etc?) to help with your depression? What steps is whoever diagnosed you taking to put you onto the path of recovery?
When you find someone that you can trust and that you feel reasonably comfortable talking to, I encourage you to talk about your self-harm, as it's important that someone knows. Keeping it to yourself may make you feel even worse, which is the last thing you need right now.
It's good that you can recognise times when you worsen. I, too, worsen the most at night because I'm alone and I have time to really think through all the reasons why I 'should be' sad, which is a really bad habit but I'm working on it. One thing I can suggest to you is keeping a diary or journal of some sort. Putting your thoughts down on paper can be largely therapeutic, and can help quieten your mind on the nights where it would otherwise go mad thinking about all these things. Writing down a journal entry regularly, even just a short one, talking about what happened that day and your thoughts, could potentially help you quite a bit. If you're having a really bad night and can't go to sleep because your mind's churning up all the negative thoughts, maybe you could turn on the light and read a (non-triggering) book for a bit? It gives your mind something else to focus on, and can even tire out your brain a little bit, allowing you to eventually fall asleep.
I'm so sorry that you've felt the need to harm yourself. What I can tell you from personal experience of being a self-harmer for several years now is that, as with any addiction, the sooner you decide to quit the better. I know that self-harm may give you a small sense of relief and be a coping mechanism now, but believe me, it grows and grows and grows into its own demon that you have to battle ON TOP of all the other problems you have to face. So many anxieties about it start pouring in, like being anxious about other people seeing scars, what they might think of you, what would happen if your parents saw, etc. You've already identified that you're afraid of being perceived as an attention-seeker (which, unfortunately, happens all too often). I thought I could control it, that it wouldn't get that bad, but I couldn't and it did. Please seek help and try to stop self-harming immediately, because the later you leave it, the harder it is to stop.
The good thing is, the internet is loaded with literally thousands of coping mechanisms and alternative things you can do instead of self-harm or fall to other negative behaviour or thoughts. Not everything will work for everyone, so once you find something that works and that you enjoy, remember it and maybe write it down somewhere that you can record your own personal list of alternatives and coping skills. Here are a few good links that I use (you can find more with just a simple Google search):
Please don't hesitate to talk to me or send me a note anytime! I really hope that you find the help and support you need, and you can start getting better, healthier and happier again. Best wishes to you.
Keep in touch xx
Instead of cutting you can get a rubber band it helps a lot and instead of cutting just pull the rubber band- biting helps too but I don't know if it's healthy or not so yeah
Well, the way you hurt yourself is quite unhealthy. You should know that already you should try to overcome the problem fully in confidence firstly with mind take a deep breath few times and think before hurting yourself. If you feel like you should hurt yourself to over come then hit some beer bottles with stones making a target. I would like to recommend you to learn and practise meditation through internet controling the breath letting the thoughts overflow your mind and completely fade. Best wishes
I completely understand what you are going through. Just this past week I literally broke down. I called my dad for help, and he came home to find me rocking on the floor shaking and pills spilled out across the floor. I'm doing much better now than I was just a few days ago but ive gotten lots of help. First things first. Think of the most important person in your life, parents, friends, or dog. Think of them. Now remember you don't want to hurt them. Next, write what you are feeling down. This step kind of ***** and it can take a lot out of you but it works in the long run. Grab a notebook play some crappy music and start writing what you are feeling. Write down everything you want to yell out at people. Now step 3. Was the hardest for me, ask for help and you kind of already did this by posting on here but I want you to tell someone in your life. Tell them you need help. I started going to therapy to help with this.
Basically from there its just a journey. If you do go to therapy it's going to take a bit for you to feel safe with your therapists but it will happen I promise. Someone needs to know how you are feeling, and therapy is a safe way you can share that. If you don't want to talk then give them the letter you wrote for step 2. If these therapy doesn't seem right for you then go that person you thought of in step 1. Go tell them that you love them and hug them. Remember them when you ever feel bad about yourself, remember you are part of there life.
Also with the self harm, I've found myself scratching at my skin. One way I deal with that is I found a paintbrush and I rub it on my skin. Don't know why but it helps. Also silly putty I play with silly putty.
I hope this helps a bit. If you ever need anyone to talk to I'm here. Remember that you are loved, ok.