Lost and so Confused

[alone13]

I am almost 18, staring college this fall, but last night I seriously almost ended up stabbing myself. Long story short, from when I was little my parents physically and verbally abused me. My mother used to, for example, hit me with a belt, and called me little *****. Till this day I don;t know what I did wrong because most of the time, being a kid, I would get tired of studying and end up fooling around, and that would get me punished. I remember how I would run around the house trying to escape as my mother would run after me and hit me with a hard shoe.

I remember when I was about 13 years old I was very depressed from so emotionally abused, I would cry and pray to God to actually take me from this world already. Growing up int he religious household, I knew or heard that suicide is a sin, so instead, I got into my head that a better option is pray to God to end my life. The main problem in my life is my mother. She doesn't drink or abuse drunks, she actually goes to church all the time, but she is one big *****. She always brings me down and makes me the bad guy in front of my father. The first time she told me "**** you" is when I politely told her over the phone that she doesn't need to be so MEAN to me when asking for a favor. I don't know what to say or do in front of her that would please her because whatever I do, it's always bad, wrong. A few days ago we went downtown, and as we were walking I made a comment about how hot and humid it was, so she turned to me and said, "if it's so hot for you then you should call you dad to pick you up home". I don't understand what I say wrong all the time, or do. I am just a child, a victim really, I don;t understand how everything is my fault, how she blames me and says that she is tired of me "talking back".

I sometimes understand that I am not alone and that it is not me, but she makes me believe that something is wrong with ME, not her. I try  to spend less time in her presence, less talking, less opinion sharing, but she still finds something wrong. I try to be mature one and go to my room or the bathroom and cry there by myself, cry my feelings away, but she comes in anyway and makes a face and starts making fun of me saying why I cry like a baby and that she is sick of me always crying and that I should grow up. I don't understand what is wrong with crying, but she always makes it seems like its a bad thing. What really hurts me is  whenever she gets into a fight with her side of the family, she will eventually call them and apologize, and surprisingly - cry. I have witnessed it myself, and I was surprised that she actually apologized for hurting someone and cried for forgiveness. But it's different with me. She had never apologized to me. She just "cries" to my dad that I am a bad child, but it's not like I go around talking to myself, everything I say is a response to what she says or does to me. That's why I don't understand how I am bad because if I do talk back, in my mind I'm just defending myself because I can't stand as she spits into my soul. I have feelings and they hurt, but when I try to explain it to her, she ignores me, showing me that SHE is the one who is hurt and that I should apologize.

But I am a good, innocent child, compared to kids these days. I mean, I don't smoke, drink, or do drugs. I graduated high school being a Valedictorian of the class. I got into a very good college and a huge amount of scholarship money. I focused myself completely on school. I dream that I will graduate college, get a job and you know, move on and leave my parents forever behind, but because of what I have to constantly go through with my mother, I don't know If I can do it, if I will survive, my mentality is already unstable. Most of the time I noticed that when I'm alone I think about leaving, and what scares me, is that when I'm in the presence of my mother and we argue, I think of how good it would be to stab her with those knives.

I look for help on websites like this one because I have not talked to anyone , ever, about what I went through as a child and my problems. I mentioned once to my mother that my school has a free counselor, but she immediately yelled no and said that she doesn't trust those people. I am afraid to actually call a hotline because I can't even imagine what mother will do if she heard me, or talking to people, because I have some serious trust issues.

[specialmom]

Ugh, that IS a problem.  If the scholarships are good, I'd also try to get some student loans on top of it so that you can get campus housing and meal plan.  Use the loan money for that.  We've got a rental house that we rent specifically to college students in my city and plenty use their loan money to pay their living expenses while attending school.  Worth it dear in your situation.  you'll need less of a loan than most others at school with the scholarships you've received.  And if you work part time during school as many have to, you'll be able to help that way too.

I get that this year may be hard but think long term and try to get out of that house.  No reason for you to stay there all 4 years of  undergrad.  

I agree that will be hard.  Honestly, I'd study at the library and stay away as much as possible.  Then when you go on campus to live or right off campus just a couple streets over if you so desire in houses and apts. that students generally use, you'll be able to explain it as you spend so much time at school that it makes sense.  

Just stay busy and out of the house as much as possible.  Remember, keep your eye on the prize.  And your mom will become so little to your life soon enough.  Minimize her now emotionally.  That is not meant to be cold hearted as the mother daughter relationship is important.  however, your mother hurts you physically and emotionally and that is unacceptable.  You need to not let her inside of your head and just endure until you can get away.  Make getting away come sooner rather than later.  

I wish you luck and again, contact me any time.  

[alone13]

Hi,
Thank you for taking the time and sharing your opinion on this subject
I'm glad to know there's someone who understands :)

I guess what I meant really is that with everything that is going on, I'm not sure how to keep myself composed and deal with "all this" because the problem is I will be commuting during college.

[specialmom]

Hi there.  I'm so glad you found med help dear.  You are right, there are others here who have suffered what you have and many who just want to listen and comfort and support you.  I'm glad you are here.

First, let me say that I am so very sorry that things have been so hard.  I feel for a child that walks on egg shells during the childhood years which are 'supposed' to be those years of unconditional love and acceptance from our parents.  It's never expected to be perfect but at least we are supposed to feel loved.  I'm sure deep down your mom loves you but she indeed sounds troubled.  And grrr.  Makes me mad she used you as a target.  Chances are she is a very unhappy lady herself deep down.  

I tell you what though.  I am THRILLED to read about your academic success and future plans of a good college.  This is wonderful!!  Honey, you are almost OUT!  This is your ticket to be away.  And away will be good.   Please do not be afraid of this separation.  Often, when someone has been abusive to another (and in this case, both physically and emotionally)---  our core changes a little.  People become like that dog that is kicked who hates it but keeps coming back because maybe 'this time' I'll be loved.  Separating and going on with your life is going to be life saving for you.  

I say live saving because you talk of some radical things.  Both killing yourself and harming your mom.  I'm sure that the abuse you've endured has left wounds and scars.  Don't feel bad about the thoughts you've had float into your head but if either of those seem to be more than thoughts and you fear you really may act on them, I really want you to reach out and call a hot line for assistance.  People at the other end of that line are trained to help and are fantastic at their jobs.  I think it would be excellent when you get to college and settle in if you began to look at what resources they offer students.  Good/big colleges often have counseling services they offer.  Medical care can be found as well.  And as you are 18, they will take the insurance you have from your parents but will not reveal any of the things you discuss or outcomes of drs. appointments.  If you are depressed and need an antidepressant to help you, that is YOUR business.   Between you and the dr.  I really think that counseling will be essential.  If you don't do it right away, you will want to at some point to explore how your mother has hurt you.  This can engrave on our psyche and you want to work through it so there aren't long lasting emotional repercussions.

I always say that we have two kinds of families in this world.  The one we are born into and the one we ourselves create.  Your college family will be your friends you make, professors, administrators and support people.  Your family after that will be your partner and any children we have.  It is wonderful to redo the mother/ child relationship the way we want it to be when we get to be the mother.  

anyway, I know you are currently suffering deeply and for that I am very sorry.  But I encourage you to keep your eye on the prize.  You have so much ahead of you.  This experience can do two positive things for you---  it gives you a wisdom that is very special.  You are very aware of what it means to show love to another and to be gentle with them as you've had that missing in your life.  You will probably always be wonderful at appreciating those that love you.  Which is a gift as you'd be surprised at how many take that for granted.  The second positive is that many seek some type of motivation to get ahead.  You've got the best and hopefully it will make you quite ambitious to achieve your goals.  Take the pain of your mother's actions and let it drive you to get ahead.  

I hope you stay in touch and let me know how it is going.  You can send me a pm any time or write here on the forum.  I'll keep my eye out for you.  peace