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Avatar universal

Not sure what to do

Ever since I was very little I had depression, though it was only diagnosed when I was nine or ten. Lately it has been getting a lot worse, to the point where the school suggested I see a counselor. However, the minute I was in the car, alone with my mom she said "don't be silly, you don't need a counselor. What if I just talk with you more?" I told her that I thought I needed one, but she didn't listen very well.

It's been about a year since that incident, and I still believe I need to see someone. I started seeing a counselor at school, who put me in a support group at school, for students with depression, at first it was fine, but then my sisters friend (whom I didn't know was in the support group) told her what had been going on, and she quickly rated me out to my parents.

They became angry at me for it, saying that I shouldn't be hiding things from them, and my mother once again suggested that we just 'talk more'. She said that if I hadn't been careful about what I said, they could have been in serious trouble. I felt hurt that they think I would have said something like that, but ignored it.

I'm not sure if I should tell my parents how I'm feeling, or if that would just make it worse. I've since started seeing the counselor again, but in private. I really just don't know what to do.
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Avatar universal
Are you saying that your parents are afraid you might say something to get THEM in trouble?  I'm confused.  If you have something to say, I understand that sometimes they could get in trouble, but not always.  My own son complained about us to the school when he was in grade 8.  His concerns had the principal calling me in a few times here and there.  In the end, my son told the principal that while driving in the van I threw a plastic water bottle back at him he ducked and it hit his little brother in the lip making it bleed.  The principal asked him why I would have to be that upset while driving.  My older son has always believed that he could put the coin all day and night to irritate the other two and have me constantly refereeing.  He is 26 and still can't walk into a room without calling someone a name or saying something to upset.  In the end what end up coming out of this was the principal after a year of talking with us said, 'you're mother is a wonderful woman and your dad a good person.  You push them to the limits.  I wouldn't put up with such disrespect.  My son never talks to me the way you do to your mother.  You need to decide if staying home with your folks is the right thing for you.  I will give you a list of foster homes willing to take you in.  There is a rule though.  You are not able to talk or shout with disrespect and rules will have to be followed."

My son immediately said no.  And that would change him forever.  He is still an irritator.  He can almost get me to throw a water bottle.  If he didn't duck it would have hit him in the arm and not hurt him with a coat on.  It wasn't right to do what I did.  I think he wanted justice and see me get in trouble.  The principal got to know me and him and at the end of the year he was acting in the office as he does at home and the principal told him to smarten up and behave himself.  Today he runs two businesses on his own and is a full fledged first class fire-fighter.  He had alot of anger in him over those years and made me just as angry.  He had a mixed up feeling from when he was small.  One day my parents were babysitting my three kids.  My Dad got angry with him and beat him.  He believed it was my husband.  he completely internalized this frustration and thought it was my husband.  Once we explained and talked with my Mother that it was my Dad, he seemed to calm down about us.  I think the trauma of being beat up caused him to actually rearrange the incident.  My Dad used to beat me as an adolescent.  It was one of the reasons why I left so young.  He would get angry and hit me till someone had to pullhim away and I had alot of bruises.  These kinds of secrets need not be secrets.  If this is the kind of stuff that a kid has to get counselling for, nowadays, there is alotof help.  When I was a kid, it was different.  I got no support.  I rode the subway with a friend one school day cause the ringing in my ears and the bruises on the side of my face were too obvious.  The floater in my eye lasted 20 years.  I had no help.  Even family was no help.  Now there is help for everthing.  You just need to find the right person.  Don't give up.
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Avatar universal
It is natural for your parents to not understand depression, so don't hold that against them. Your mother is concerned about your situation and wants to help and may be able to help some, although on the other hand she may not be able to provide the professional advice you may need.
You will have to figure that out and make your decision, as you have, by secretly seeing the counselor.

If you feel more comfortable in the school setting, you shouldn't feel guilty about going there instead of your family.
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