daughter step-father turmoil

[mominthemiddle]

My husband and my daughter (his stepdaughter) are in dire need of help.  They are in such a constant state of turmoil that it seems everyone walks on eggshells at all times in my house.  She recently told me that now that she's 13, she would like to live with her Dad.  I CANNOT bear to lose her!  I'm signing us up for family counseling.  I just hope its not too late.  Of course I feel as if I'm in the middle of something I'll never win.  They always end up mad at me anyway and of course each one feels that I'm taking the other ones side.  We have a daughter, who's 6, and my older daughter sees her step father giving our little girl a lot of love and attention and she feels that she doesn't get anything but negative attention from him.  She's angry!  And, to be quite honest, I think he severely lacks in the loving department when it comes to showing love to my 13 year old.  We started dating when she was 3 years old and things were great between them until we had our daughter.  Things did change.  I just don't know what to do.  He feels that he's constantly being disrespected and she feels that he's always mean.  I see both of their points, possibly even more of my daughters point.  But, it's impossible to talk to him because he's instantly defensive and gets VERY angry.  Though he's not abusive, he does have a very short temper and that is scary.  I need help.  I feel like I'm losing my family!

[bamboozledstepdad]

I'm a StepFather (SF) and my StepDaughter (SD) probably felt the same as you in regards to her mom (M) but as a SD can you say you've made life easier on the SF? Do you talk with him, ask questions or say you love the fact at least your sibling got the perceived normal family?  We have a 6y/o son who's been raised with both parents every day of his life, I can say my sons (my second) birth changed me as a person...I saw the unconditional love for a child and have nurtured him since birth.  My SD feels left out or neglected at times but she never remembers the times she thought her options that her BF would step up and when he didn't she acted out because of her hurt not at M or SF. My SD's biological father (BF) is not in her life on a regular consistent basis and my SD cannot see why not. Her mom and I encouraged the relationship especially when I came in the picture.  My wife felt lost a single parent for 4yrs and my SD was spoiled by her grandparents with princess ideology to substitute the BF being missing in action.  I did not follow that way to parent and despite my wife tricking me that they lived a normal life. I asked my SD to video/notebook or electronic journal and share her point of view.  I try to respond trying to acknowledge of her feelings and explain my point of view.  You'd be surprised just how different your views are.  I cannot speak tween girl nor venus wife but I can speak honest man from mars. Tell him you appreciate the effort he made to try to make life somewhat normal.  Your SF had/has odds to overcome, emotions to understand and viewpoints people expect him to keep quiet about and trust its not easy. BTW this helped my SD feel connected and we don't argue in front of her brother.

[Tedious]

My family situation is exactly like this, I am the daughter and it's killing me inside, my mum has exactly the same opinion of being in the middle and we too get angry at her, please, as another daughter, I can tell you it won't get better. I've wanted to live with my dad too but I can't bear to leave my mum. I know you love him but if you don't chose your daughter and leave him it will destroy her. I'm 17 and I spend everyday feeling lost and just wanting my mum to wake up and realise what it's doing to me. As I can't help myself I hope you take my advice so I know I've helped another in my situation.

[Judy246]

Daughter always comes first. They both have to respect each other and if either of you are afraid of his temper, that is a problem and polutes the home environment. He is and adult and is being mean to her. She is only 13.

If it is necessary for her emotional and mental state to send her to spend time with her dad, so be it, but it sounds like a unstable home with potention for violence in the future.

Your the mom, make thee right decision for your daughter. Let her go with dad for just a short time until settle down and  for her sake, your sake and the sake of the marriage.  Judy

[margypops]

It would be a good thing to be on your daughter;r side she is the one being hurt you should be taking sides ...her side she is your child it is harder for her than a grown man,who should know better he takes the other childs side so she needs you.. perhaps she would be better off with her Dad as it must be making her very unhappy.

[heatherlynn22]

the only thing i can suggest is counseling. if that doesn't work for the mental welfare of your 13 year old daughter, living with her father may be best for her. through his actions her step father is pretty saying " i love your sister more then you." which can be very detramental to a young girl. she's probably getting depressed having her step father giving her negative attention and then thinking that you're taking her side.

i'm not a teen but i'm having the same problems with my step father. he's an emotionally and mentally abusive alcoholic. while i was pregnant with my husband and i's twin sons i had to stay with my mother (long story) and i wasn't allowed to work because i was considered a high risk pregnancy in fact i was on bedrest by time i was 24 weeks along. during the time there he would tell me how lazy i am, that i'm a mooch, i'm worthless and my children would be born "retarded" (my brother is bi-polar and apparently that means he's retarded) in fact he's told my mother that i'm retarded (i'm not my iq is high then his.....and i haven't killed off all my brain cells). he would constantly put my husband down and my children. now he was worse with my brother. he would get into fist fights with him, break his stuff, scream at him and put him down. he chased my brother and i away from my mom. i still talk to her and see her...but i will NOT go to her house. since i moved out last september (a month after my twins were born) i've been to their house three times. for holidays and no longer then an hour. as soon as i see him my husband and i leave. he (my mothers husband) refuses to go to any sort of counseling. he won't go to aa (he doesn't have a problem according to him) and he won't apologize for the horrible things he's done.

don't let that become your daughter. get him help. perhaps anger management will help as well as family counseling. if not....even if she does go to live with her father she may not go to your house to visit.