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I don't feel "normal" 25 female

I feel like emotionally I cant keep up with the world. If i wake up and someone has planned to bring me somewhere that will take up a long portion of my day I feel really miserable even if its something i really don't mind doing. the loss of control of my day makes me feel like emotionally I'm dragging around a cranky child that's mad every time they don't get there way.
I'm not depressed at all but I am currently going threw a rough patch with life (lost my home due to covid)
however this problem literally spans my entire life.
i used to have an eating disorder and i feel like i got it under control significantly.
but i find my need to emotionally control everything starting to get out of hand

I had to drop out of school because I really didn't understand anything. I feel like i have to be told 7 or 8 times before it "clicks" especially if i was asked to read it  (this is a significant problem for me today as well)

in the past 20 under ;
age 20 I used to hit myself when i was mad
age 20 scream the same thing over and over
age 15 excessive day dreaming

I really really would love anyone's input i kind of feel like im just going crazy
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Avatar universal
I don't know if I'm correct, I ain't a doctor, but if that isn't depression maybe it's Autism?Autism is less diagnosed in women cause it appears differently in them compared to guys, so if that wasn't suggested to you before that might be the reason? I heard about autistic people who may hit themselves when frustrated, and (never heard about screaming, but) repeating the same word is something common. I'm autistic and also daydream excessively, but I don't know if that's has to do with it. Lacking some form of control can be a source of frustration for autistic people, and they have a different way of perceiving things and understanding the world, so it may be needed another way to explain something. Regardless, check the symptoms common in women.
If that isn't the case, it's worth remembering that depression isn't necessarily sadness, it can also be dismotivation and fatigue.
I repeat, I ain't a doctor, I'm just autistic and have an interest in my own condition and how it appears in others like me. I could be biased.
Helpful - 0
I am also not a doctor but I have a child with Asperger's.  I couldn't tell if you are dealing with autism or not but struggling with change of routine or anything uncontrollable is difficult if you have autism.

I am pretty sure that eating disorders should often be linked to autism.  My child has had problems with food for years and it has been very difficult and a great worry.  It seems to be more about control, fear, and anxiety, as well as sensory issues.  The food feels or smells bad to her and so she turns it down.  No amount of reasoning with her is possible and she easily becomes fearful of trying anything new.  Controlling food and what people put in front of her is paramount.  She will control everything to the point of losing too much weight.  It is not related to wanting to be thin; it is totally about control and sensory problems.

All the problems you mentioned could also add to depression.  On top of other worries, you lose motivation and happiness.  Worth considering and consulting a doctor about.

Another perspective that might help is that I am pretty sure I have ADD (attention deficit disorder).  Unlike with ADHD, I do not rush around causing chaos or do rash things, quite the opposite, but I struggle to retain focus.  I remember struggling at school to listen to an explanation - my mind would wander and I would daydream.  I struggled to take in and remember where we supposed to be.  Fortunately, my friends always seemed to know so I just followed them :)  Now that I'm older, I daydream even more, because I am free to do that.  I am not sure it is good for me but I know it was a need I was constantly having to fight.  I can focus sometimes and do intense, detailed work, but it has to be when I choose to do it.  I feel pretty sure I suffer from ADD and some of what you say sounds similar.

All these brain things are probably linked in some way but different things seem to help different people.  I don't know if any of the above resonates with you or helps, but I am sure you will find your way through this.  You seem very resourceful and aware.  All the best
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