My dad died last week. For my peace of mind, I am trying to figure out why he died.

[ChicagoGal60603]

After dinner (he barely ate), I was transfering him from his wheelchair to his  bed.  When I picked him up, there was a ton of blood on the chair.  At first, I thought it was poop.  But then I noticed it was dark red, sticky, and thick.  I changed his diaper and it appeared to have stopped, so I thought he was fine.

The next morning, he drank juice for breakfast and I thought he was ok.  At around 11 am, I wanted to give him more juice, but he gurgled it out.

I started calling around and no doctor could schedule same day appointment, but I got a telehealth appointment at 4:30.  But by 2 pm, his breathing was not normal.  So I panicked and called 911.  The ER couldn't save my dad.

Now I am living with regret everyday.  I feel awful that I missed potential signs:
A tooth fell out when eating about 2 weeks ago.
His feet were swollen.
His right stomach area had a swollen pouch. He said it didn't hurt.
He had pain in his lower back, right side.

Did he die because appendix?
Or kidney?  (his creatinine level was high last year, but we had gotten it back to normal range in march)
Or something else ???

My dad was 85.  Any insight you can offer would help.  I feel so sad and regretful.  I wish I had called 911 sooner.  But everyone was saying to avoid the ER because of covid.

[Emily_MHManager]

There's no way we can answer that here. If they do an autopsy, they can tell you, or the ER may have a cause of death in their report.

If you had taken him to the ER, though, they'd have hooked him up to a ton of machines, and you'd not have been able to see him because of Covid, and they may have kept him alive longer, but to what end?

And if you'd done that, and he died, you'd be questioning that decision, too, wondering if you should have kept him at home longer, so he wouldn't have to spend his last days/weeks/months alone.

My dad died 2 years ago. Most of his last months were spent in the hospital, getting treatments, he didn't really want, PT he didn't want, etc.  It's a long story, but he wanted to be home, but my mom couldn't care for him, and lots of things happened, so try to remember that your dad spent his last days with you, at home, and he lived a long life.

Allow yourself to just grieve his loss without questioning the why and the how. Grief counseling can help a lot, so don't hesitate to seek that out if you think you need it.

I'm so sorry for your loss. :(

[specialmom]

I understand.  Not knowing is hard.  Will they do an autopsy?  Can you get a copy of the death report as they usually list cause of death?  His medical records?  When my mom died, I went round and round if I should have done something differently for a different outcome.  I'll never know but I know I did what i thought was best in that time before her death.  And I know you did too.  I do not minimize your pain or tell you to just focus on happy memories.  It's hard.  Nothing anyone says takes away the cold pain of reality that your dad isn't with you.  Please know that one thing does heal the pain of this type of loss and that is time.  Right now, do what you need to do to get through it.  I read the bible from cover to cover. I copied full cook books, recipe after recipe onto notepads for no real reason other than it occupied my mind in a numb kind of way.  To know cause of death may help give yo peace of mind but truly, you did your best and your dad died being loved by you. hugs

[Paxiled]

At this point it doesn't really matter.  It was his time, he was old.  It sounds like a lot of things were failing.  It's likely whatever he had at that age was so advanced he would have died anyway.  Now, you can find out by getting an autopsy done if you wanted to spend a lot of money doing that, assuming anyone would do that short of a suspicious death.  If he died in the ER, I believe they are required to list a cause of death on the death certificate.  But let's look at it from a bit of distance.  He lived a long life.  He lived past the average life expectancy for a male.  He appears to have died rather quickly rather than something drawn out with a lot of medical procedures.  Those are all positive things if you accept the fact we all die.  Focus on your good memories of him and the blessing of a quick passing.  Peace.

[SeizureAdvocate]

First off I am so sorry for your loss. I know it must be difficult to have been the one caring for him, and how easy it must be to blame yourself, and feel like you were at fualt for missing signs as you called them.

Second, I cant help with why he passed or what caused it. I do believe that might not help you with closure. You need to take a step back and focus on all you did do for him. Focus on how you cared for him, and trust that it might have just been his time. Loss is hard no matter what the reason was for the passing.

My prayers are with you and your family.