Women's Health: Postpartum Community
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dealing with deep emotions, wondering if Im not alone

Hi, I just found out I had a missed miscarriage on 5/8/12.  Had my D&C this morning and boy are they right about hormones, Im def up and down with feelings.  

My post I feel is a little more in depth with questions then I have been reading and I hope someone out there can relate to my feelings so maybe myself and others could possible overcome some of the bumps in the road to recovery faster.

Let me say first off that I am 36yrs old and I have a beautiful 8 year old boy already from a prevous marriage that ended when my son was only 1.  I just got remarried in Sept 2011.  I found out I was pregnant in March after the first try with my new husband which would have been his first child. I was 3 1/2 weeks.   I had a sono at 6 weeks and everything was perfect, measured great, heartbeat, all good.   I actually was very intuned with my body and started to not feel right (not pregant anymore) at 8 weeks and called the dr and they made me a appt for 9 weeks and told me that it was very normal that my beasts could clam down with soreness and cramping that I had would subside at this time in pregnancy. (Those were the only symptons I had through the whole pregnacy.) But I dont think I ever worried more in my life.  Went in last week and they gave me sono and it showed the baby and strong heartbeat but the growth was off by 1 week. Should have showed 9 weeks and it showed 8 weeks. I just knew that wasnt good. They tried to reasure me that it very well could have been the computer spitting out 1mm off in size and that everything else looked great. I could not shake the bad feeling I had.  Sure enough they made a appt for me for this past tues (5/8/12) and the sono tech and myself did not see the heartbeat.  Baby only surived till 8 weeks 4 days. I would have been 10 weeks. Just the image alone of the baby on the sono sticks in my head. Horrible!!!!

So let me get into the emotions now.  I am a big beliver of faith and god. I had a very early natural miscarriage 5 years ago with a unplanned pregnacy with a previous boyfriend and I knew it was not the right timing and I feel god took care of that for me.  I never looked at it in any other way. I know that this time, it must not have been healthy and god once again spared me and my family. I know its not my fault. I know everything happens for a reason.  Dont get me wrong, I wonder a little this time only cause it really was the perfect timing for our family.  I am off from work for the next year with pay, (cant get any better then that for timing.) I wonder why my son had to be hurt in all of this. If it wasnt the right timing or it wasnt healthy, then why get me pregnant in the first place??  I know there is a reason for it, just havent got the answer yet. Anyway, So I tried talking with my mom and husband about why I dont want to talk to anyone but I want to know what they are saying when  they talk to people for me.

I explained that I feel like a failure to myself, my husband and my son.  I feel like a failure to his family. That he married someone that failed him.  I told him I would feel stupid seeing anyone right now also becuase I feel embrassed as well. Looking at everyone that has 2,3, 4 kids etc..Im not jealous, just feel like Im a failure.
Me asking what people are saying is cause Im hoping to hear anyone tell  him, "tell her not to worry that we dont need to have kids, that our marriage is great the way it is" or "so what, life doesnt always have to include kids" or "we have Ryan (my son) and he completes the family" etc... Just something  that would help me face everyone and not feel like a disappointment or pressure that everyone is thinking or going to tell us that we can try again and it will happen, we will get another child, not to worry, etc. I dont want to hear that.

I dont know if it will happend for us, I dont know if my anixisty after this will allow me to not worry myself into a panic if I was to get pregnant again. I cant and dont want to answer anything at this point.  We have tests on the tissue getting done to check for gentic chromosones. I am 36, already this time around was treated so differently beucase of my age, so many worries. They really have a way of freaking you out the darn drs. Im not OLD!  But after 35, its a whole other ball game and Im sure everyone can relate.

The other thing is I alwasy felt I knew my body. My body never let me down, my body without losing a part of ourselves in the process. was strong etc. Now becuase of this I feel so uncertain and not in control of myself, broken. Thats a very uneasy feeling for me.

As much as we want to be comforted by our family and friends, I dont feel we do cause we look for detailed info, people who can relate without talking around things, being direct and not having our own emotions get in the way.  
Does anyone else have the same feelings about things after the fact like I do? If so, how do you deal?  
Thank you for reading and Im sorry for anyone who has had to experience this.  I pray for all of us to get through it
without losing a part of ourselves in the process.
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