When I was 17, my sister helped her boyfriend stalk me and bully me into "meeting" a guy I had been refusing to meet. Because I repeatedly refused, they charged the house where I lived unannounced, he stood by my baby, while she screamed at me that I should just agree to meet the guy and it was no big deal. I said no again and she punched my front teeth through my lip. She cried and apologized and then asked nicely for me to agree to meet the guy, so I agreed. They took me to his house where there was a group of guys sitting in the driveway around a keg of beer. Part of the agreement was that my sister and her boyfriend promised they would be there with me, but instead they only got out of the car for a minute and essentially just dropped me off. I tried following them back to the car and was told to sit down(by the guy I had to meet). He assured me they would come back for me, but they didn't--until the next morning. I sat there in the driveway all day until the sun went down as they drank. I tried to walk away once, but all the guys got up and surrounded me. At the end of the night, the guy I had to meet took me upstairs where one of his friends was standing and I begged him for a ride home, or use the phone to call my mom, or even go to neighbors house to use the phone, they refused all my pleads to go home and I was promised if I just go into his room, I would be left alone and everything would be okay, but it wasn't. What my sister's boyfriend and his friend did was gross and they are maggots. I am strong enough to get over it, but the fact that my sister participated in it burns my heart.
I blamed myself for years. I would say, "I've never been raped, but I have had a really unfortunate event." I told myself that I finally agreed to meet the guy, so it was my fault. Years went by and I continued on with that frame of mind and my sister continued to be a large part of my life. Then one day it just hit me and I started balling uncontrollably for days. My family(son and husband) didn't know what came over me. When I finally said something to my sister, I was completely willing to forgive her and I mean that seriously--I would have completely forgiven her. I just wanted to talk it through with her in order to find peace and resolution for both of us. The best conclusion that I could come to was that she was a victim too and we could find solace in each other. But instead she responded by saying I made the whole thing up(every word) and because she cared about me, she was going to keep my crazy accusation quiet. I quit talking to her but she lives with my brother and mother and brother, so I still have to see her.
I have such a good life now. My family is wonderful and I have great friends. In fact, I only surround myself with good people who believe in the golden rule. I try to focus on my present life and be thankful for how truly lucky I am and I believe that most people don't have it as good as I do. The problem is that whenever I think of her, hear her name, or have to deal with her, it cause me pain. I've had fantasies her slipping off a steep, non-survivable cliff, or she goes on a cruise ship and gets swept off by a current of freezing Alaskan water. What I really want is to have all these negative feelings end. These thoughts are poisoning me and she's running around happy and feeling guilt free. I feel as though it was as bad as if she would have just raped me herself. I was a very shy, sweet and naive girl. Why hurt me? We were raised by the same mom and slept in the same bed as kids. Isn't that enough time to bond with and love me enough as a sister to not do that to me? I just want to get over it and need some life experienced advice. I am ready to heal. (I don't have coverage to go seek professional help, but I would appreciate advice from anyone who can relate on some level and tell me how they handle life afterwards).