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Avatar universal

I still can't get past a betrail (rape)

When I was 17, my sister helped her boyfriend stalk me and bully me into "meeting" a guy I had been refusing to meet. Because I repeatedly refused, they charged the house where I lived unannounced, he stood by my baby, while she screamed at me that I should just agree to meet the guy and it was no big deal. I said no again and she punched my front teeth through my lip. She cried and apologized and then asked nicely for me to agree to meet the guy, so I agreed. They took me to his house where there was a group of guys sitting in the driveway around a keg of beer. Part of the agreement was that my sister and her boyfriend promised they would be there with me, but instead they only got out of the car for a minute and essentially just dropped me off. I tried following them back to the car and was told to sit down(by the guy I had to meet). He assured me they would come back for me, but they didn't--until the next morning. I sat there in the driveway all day until the sun went down as they drank. I tried to walk away once, but all the guys got up and surrounded me. At the end of the night, the guy I had to meet took me upstairs where one of his friends was standing and I begged him for a ride home, or use the phone to call my mom, or even go to neighbors house to use the phone, they refused all my pleads to go home and I was promised if I just go into his room, I would be left alone and everything would be okay, but it wasn't.  What my sister's boyfriend and his friend did was gross and they are maggots. I am strong enough to get over it, but the fact that my sister participated in it burns my heart.

I blamed myself for years. I would say, "I've never been raped, but I have had a really unfortunate event." I told myself that I finally agreed to meet the guy, so it was my fault. Years went by and I continued on with that frame of mind and my sister continued to be a large part of my life. Then one day it just hit me and I started balling uncontrollably for days. My family(son and husband) didn't know what came over me.  When I finally said something to my sister, I was completely willing to forgive her and I mean that seriously--I would have completely forgiven her. I just wanted to talk it through with her in order to find peace and resolution for both of us. The best conclusion that I could come to was that she was a victim too and we could find solace in each other.  But instead she responded by saying I made the whole thing up(every word) and because she cared about me, she was going to keep my crazy accusation quiet. I quit talking to her but she lives with my brother and mother and brother, so I still have to see her.

I have such a good life now. My family is wonderful and I have great friends. In fact, I only surround myself with good people who believe in the golden rule. I try to focus on my present life and be thankful for how truly lucky I am and I believe that most people don't have it as good as I do. The problem is that whenever I think of her, hear her name, or have to deal with her, it cause me pain. I've had fantasies her slipping off a steep, non-survivable cliff, or she goes on a cruise ship and gets swept off by a current of freezing Alaskan water. What I really want is to have all these negative feelings end. These thoughts are poisoning me and she's running around happy and feeling guilt free. I feel as though it was as bad as if she would have just raped me herself.  I was a very shy, sweet and naive girl. Why hurt me? We were raised by the same mom and slept in the same bed as kids. Isn't that enough time to bond with and love me enough as a sister to not do that to me? I just want to get over it and need some life experienced advice. I am ready to heal. (I don't have coverage to go seek professional help, but I would appreciate advice from anyone who can relate on some level and tell me how they handle life afterwards).
6 Responses
Avatar universal
OMG, It's so sad to hear that blood sister would do this to you. I Have a stepsister and she is so amazing the best sister ever im so grateful with God! Sorry but your sister is sick.. I would never in my life do that to a sister. It's not your fault dnt feel guilty. The only thing I could tell you is leave the past behind buried it. Be happy God is always with you and your family life is so beatiful and we live it once so enjoy it!
134578 tn?1614729226
COMMUNITY LEADER
I would scrape together the money to see a therapist as you can, even if it is only once every 6 months.  It is not that expensive, I think mine charged me $90 a session.  I mean, it would be expensive if you went every week, but going when you can afford to would not be bad.  I am sorry that this happened many years ago, because if it had been recent, I would press charges, what she did is not only immoral it is illegal, and of course what they did is beyond wrong and they could have been brought up on charges.
Avatar universal
I am trying. Thank you.
Avatar universal
Yes, it's too late to press charges. Now all I can do is think about what I could have done differently, but unfortunately that only forces me to relive it. It must sound strange, but it was emotionally so much easier to deal with when I considered it my fault. I almost wish I still felt that way, so I wouldn't feel so much heartache over what she did.
134578 tn?1614729226
COMMUNITY LEADER
Does your mother know she did this?  I suppose if she denies it to your face, she would deny it to your mother.  But it might help you to tell your mother, just to say it out loud, even with no expectation your sister will confess.
Avatar universal
I did tell my mother. Her response was that my sister would never do anything like that. My mother lived and still lives with my sister. I told my mom by phone--maybe a mistake because my sister was standing next to my mom feeding her spun alternate reality stories while we were on the phone that back up her "innocence".

When you think about it, what mother wants to believe their child could do that? They want to be pursuaded that their kid is innocent. It was easier for her to just believe I lied.

Thank you for responding. It helped to have someone to talk to and as strange as it sounds, I feel more ready to move forward just because you and Maria1001 were here lending a cyber ear. Thank you again.

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