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Still not pregnant. Is my marriage doomed?

After 4 years of trying, I'm still not pregnant. I can't help but wonder if I'm just not supposed to have my husband's child. I know it's silly, but I've always had the notion that things happen for a reason. We don't fight much (only when he's drunk), and there is no violence in our relationship, it's just kind of empty and dull. He sleeps about 10-14 hours a night, and works for 8 each day, and I work a later shift, so we don't really see much of each other. I like to get out and do things and he would prefer staying in and watching t.v. He just keeps getting fatter, and he blows his money on alcohol and junk food, and has trouble paying his bills each month. The worst part of all is that I don't enjoy sex with him. He is not well endowed and suffers from premature ejaculation every time we have sex (and he's in his 30's). I find myself being sexually attracted to other men, but not to him AT ALL. When I think about the rest of my life, I honestly don't see myself staying with him forever. On the other hand, he is a terrific friend, and we share a lot of interests. I've brought up divorce before, and he is very against it. If we ever separated, I would really miss his friendship. I just don't know what to do. I'm afraid I jumped into marriage just because I wanted to be a mother, and now that I'm still not a mom, I'm realizing my mistake. Has anyone else been through this?
14 Responses
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Avatar universal
Babe, go see a doctor. Four years is a lot a time.
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Avatar universal
All I am going to say is I know what you are talking about. Although I was never married to an alcoholicm my father was an alcoholic. (I have forgiven him and I am glad that I did it when I did, as he past away from Cancer in March) He told me it was my fault all of the time, all the classics... But like you, there was no way I would ever just leave and give up on him. I loved him and cared about him deeply, and it hurt me to see him that way.
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Avatar universal
I'm sorry but I just registered because I feel compelled to reply to your post. You chose tomarry and now want desperately to bring a child into this realtionship. Please, if you really love children, do not do this. I am speaking as the child of an alcoholic with years of pain and grief behind me, as well as my own problems, which I won't bore you with. Alcoholics are sick and the compassion you feel now will quickly turn to resentment and anger. You have noidea what you are in for. If you need to be needed by an alcoholic, that is your choice, but I guarentee, it would not be your child's choice for a parent. Please, educate yourself about alcoholism, it is a cunning disease and it is not possible to have any kind of a real real relationship with an active alcoholic anyway. THEY ARE ALREADY IN A RELATIONSHIP...WITH ALCOHOL! And THAT will ALWAYS come first. ALWAYS. You can wish, hope, pray and lie to yourself, your family and anyone who'll listen, but it will never change the facts.
My friend, Iwould be doing a little soul searching and find out why you chose tomarry and have children with an active alcoholic. I'm not going to sugarcoat it, YOU need help. There IS something lacking within yourself, and you are focusing on the A in your life, maybe to avoid your own issues. Who knows, but if I were you, I would step away from this as quickly as possible and get some help. Seriously. I'm not trying to insult you but it's just that what you want so badly, is just more craziness.
PLEASE, get some help and stop making excuses for why you or he can't. You focus on the religious aspects of AA toavoid it, and dismiss that you could still use the help of AA and it's teaching just becuase you don't like THAT particular aspect. You are in DEEP denial, take your head out of the sand and look at the big picture. It's not all about you and your wants (a child) or his (alcohol) and think of THE CHILD!!! HE/SHE deserves better than this. And mark my words, they'll want to know, How could you CHOOSE to bring them INTO an alcoholic home?? And I don't want to hear the "love him so much" stuff, he's using you. Period. He's an alcoholic, and you are a CLASSIC enabler/codependent. You of course already feel stuck, but you aren't and you won't realize it UNTIL you get the help YOU need. Do you WANT to have an alcoholic child? Or a child who marries one? Do you want chaos in your life? Heartache? Disappointments? Doyou enjoy being lied to(constantly? Playing second fiddle? (at best)He's not Prince Charming, WAKE UP and stop living in a dream world.  Please, please, GET YOURSELF SOME HELP. You have a LOT to learn. Don't do it the hard way.(And NOOOO, he's NOT different, he's probably more like any other alcoholic than you even know, yet).
Good Luck to you.
signed,
The daughter of an Alcoholic who has had to see and learn far more than I ever wanted to, and it's been a long, hard, road.
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Avatar universal
Thanks for the suggestion, but AA is not an option. We are both staunchly aginst the message that one should depend on God to solve problems, and do not believe the program should be government-supported in any way (I understand many of you feel differently, but we are all entitled to our own opinions).
Quite frankly, he has made leaps and bounds from the everyday drinker he was when we met. Though the addiction never goes away, his willpower is admirable, as he has been able to cut down considerably...only drinks on weekends basically, even though he admits that he wants to drink all the time.
We have a lot of things to work out, the drinking is only one little part of the picture. He was raised with no regard to nutrition, is becoming obese, and his health is failing. He put himself deep into debt before I met him. He's had little experience with other women (not such a bad thing in some ways) and he's fumbly and bumbly in bed, like an eternal teenager. When we started dating, I thought he'd get better with experience, but no such luck. I don't want to insult him when discussing all these things, I really do care very much for him. If I didn't, I would just leave.
I guess I just needed an outlet for how I'm feeling. I don't want to tell friends or relatives, because I don't want them to judge my husband unfairly. Though this all sounds very negative, this man does have many wonderful attributes:
He is smart, creative, compassionate, friendly, easy-going, neat, and not at all violent or abusive to anyone.
When I see him struggle with alcohol, I see a victim, a child, someone who never asked to be a slave to substance abuse. He doesn't deserve to be tortured like that. No one does. He will never be normal again. He can't go back to being a light social drinker like me (I imbibe about 6-8 times a year). He can be an alcoholic, or a recovering alcoholic. Both of those options are unpleasant, and we'd all rather not deal with either. The easy answer is to leave him in the dust, and find a man who isn't riddled with addiction. But then, are we supposed to just leave all alcoholics to rot, alone, with no one to turn to? No. They are people. They have feelings and the ability to contribute a lot to this world. They are parents, grandparents, friends, co-workers, company executives, they are all around you. None of them knew that addiction would get the better of them.
I wrestle with these issues a lot. I've poured countless bottles of booze down the sink. I've cried and I've yelled. He shows all the classic signs of addiction, over and over again. I refuse to let him point the finger at me (alcoholics love to say it's YOUR fault, "YOU just THINK I have a problem, and everything would be fine if YOU would just drop it.")
I live with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
Do any of you know what I'm talking about?
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79258 tn?1190630410
I actually agree with you about the higher power concept. There are non-12 step programs available, though. And I think most communities have secular programs for substance abuse; I would start there.

I also understand what you're saying. However, I disagree that he will never be "normal" (whatever that means), and I think that line of reasoning is harmful to you both. If you really believe in taking responsibility for your own actions, how can you say that "you'd rather not deal with that"? Surely you must believe you can both CHOOSE to grow and change. However, I suspect that his drinking fulfills some significant needs for both of you in your relationship. Maybe it's as simple as some people feel the need to be a caretaker, some need to be taken care of... that kind of thing. I don't mean that in a negative way - it's how all relationships are. I'm just suggesting you take a close look at whether either of you REALLY want him to do something about his drinking, and why not.

In any case, I strongly suggest picking up The Dance of Intimacy, by Harriet Lerner. It's an exceptional read, and I think you will find it quite enlightening. I think it would be an especially good fit for you, because it's pretty closely aligned with your beliefs. It's all about personal responsibility - acting rather than reacting, not overreacting, not acting out of anxiety, that kind of thing. Great insights.
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Avatar universal
There is a wonderful support group for alcoholics called AA. There are chapters in almost every town. My BIL is an alcoholic and has not touched a drink in 8 years thanks to AA.  The first step is admitting you have a problem and then go get help.
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Avatar universal
WOW!  Quite a post

Yes, I have been involved with an alcoholic... it was not until after I left him that he decided to change.(Of course, by that time I had decided to move on.)  You are right you cannot change him, he has to want to change himself.

Sounds like you want what most women want... a happy life, happy marriage, a happy family... that's not a bad thing!  I think you need to come to the realization that it just will not happen with the man you are with... if you look deep inside yourself you will see that bringing a baby into a family with an alcoholic is not what you want for your (future) child.

Sometimes people married to alcoholics can become enablers, in the way that they want so bad for things to work that they just accept the alcoholism.  Sure, you might have the occasional fight or discussion about his drinking, but you stay...

I agree that unless he admits there is a problem and WANTS help... counseling would be moot.  

Who knows, maybe if you have a heart to heart with him and tell him you just cannot take it anymore and leave... he might see the light and there might be a chance of reconciliation?
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Avatar universal
Okay, first of all, I do love my husband. I don't want to have a child to repair anything that's broken. Quite frankly, I've always wanted to be a mother, and when we were first married (about 5 years ago), everything seemed fine, and we waited a little while, then started trying. We were newly married and ready to start a family, and we've been trying ever since. Neither of our doctors can offer any real insight to our infertility problem, which is why I think it may be rooted in that "everything happens for a reason" thing. The alcoholism is a constant issue, and one that will never go away. I've made peace with the fact that I cannot change him, no matter how many little changes I persuade him to make. Are any of you involved with an alcoholic? It puts you in a very difficult position(I didn't realize he was addicted until we were already very deep in our relationship). I do not depend on my husband financially, and the only thing I would lose if we split is the love and companionship that we share. No one wants to just let that go... I think I'm just getting so frustrated with him not caring about his health, combined with our relationship not going anywhere. Thank you for all your advice, I think we'll talk some more about this together.
Oh, and the thing about a sperm donor-- if all I wanted was to get knocked up, I wouldn't have bothered with the whole marriage thing. I had a couple of ex-boyfriends who wanted nothing more than to get me pregnant, so I would be stuck with them. I guess I've had a lot of crazy relationships now that I think of it.
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Avatar universal
Clearly there are issues in your marriage and a baby won't solve them. I know you want a baby because you're lonely in your marriage, but honestly, I was in your shoes once and a baby will not solve your marriage problems but create more problems. If you do get pregnant and have a child there is a good chance your marriage will end and you will have to face the prospect of raising this child alone. Do you have a good job or career that you can afford to do this? Do you want your child to come from a broken home? It seems that you do not love your husband but you want to use him as a sperm donar?  Try to get some marriage counsellng pronto. If he won't go with you - go alone! You need to think about this situation and your future plans. Does he know you're not happy with him?  If he won't change and you can't accept him the way he is, and you find yourself miserable in your marriage - bail out while you're still young enough to make a future for yourself.
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Avatar universal
yes, re-read your post and you will hopefully see that a baby is NOT the way to go right now and perhaps you are right and thats why you were not able to get pregnant (wasnt meant to be). i dont want to sugar coat the therapy idea even though its always a good idea but the type of man that you described are not the type to go to therapy, counseling...
you seem to provide a lot more reasons why you dont want to be with him than you do. ask yourself, is this the life i want to live? we have one life here on earth. is this how you would like to spend it?
you can go to counseling by yourself but that will teach you ways to either move on with your life or accept how your husband is because he will not change. sounds like he has his little routine going and he does sound depressed to me. if he can lay off the drinking, then you have hope. until then, you need to decide what you want.
if you end up leaving/divorce you both may realize that you make better friends than a married couple. i can guarentee you this isnt easy.
i think from old posts you have been together for a long time right (10 yrs??)or am i confusing you with someone else?
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Avatar universal
I would get my own therapist along with a marriage counselor. Sounds like you need to explore your feelings about your husband on your own, without him present.
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Avatar universal
I think a baby is the last thing you should be worried about....if you feel this way about your husband..why would you want to have a baby with him?!! i agree with the other girls...go to counseling
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Avatar universal
You need to get into counseling ASAP.  Even if your DH won't go, go on your own.  You sound very confused and borderline depressed about your situation.  It also sounds like your husband may have a drinking problem.  I am very sorry for the difficulty you have had TTC, but it sounds like this isn't an ideal situation to bring a child into.  If you get pregnant, you are tied to this man forever, whether you want to be or not.  And having a baby with him will not make things better.  It is likely to make them worse.  Please see a therapist so that you can work through these things before you bring a child into it.  As a sidenote, men are responsible for the inabaility to conceive about 50% of the time.  Don't just assume that you are the one with the fertility problem.  Unless you have both been tested there is no way to know.  Good luck to you.  I hope everything turns out OK.
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Avatar universal
I would suggest marragie counseling.  Its a great way to get everything in the open and learn from mistakes and try to fix them if you dont want to go thru divorce.  As far as going thru something like this...no...im sorry I couldnt be more help.  I wish you the best in whatever happens.
Jen
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