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Unable to have a sexual relationship?
I’m suffering from an undiagnosed problem with sex – every time I have sex I get prickly and itchy to varying degrees ‘down there’, sometime it can take up to a day or two for the prickling to start and it has been varying degrees of severity from a minor irritation to incredibly itchy and swollen, making it almost unbearable to walk. The only visible symptoms are redness of the vulva and swelling if it gets really bad. I’ve started to experience pain during sex itself, I think because I tense up.
I have seen so many doctors and gynaecologists, and even psychologists and acupuncturists, but no one seems to be able to pin point what the problem could be. I’ve had tests for every STI, and been tested for thrush and BV. Everything comes back negative. I’ve even tried the treatments for BV, thrush and eczema but none work. I get the irritation with and without condoms, and even from oral sex sometimes. Doctors often just dismiss my problems as they can’t really see anything wrong, and don’t seem to understand why I break down into tears when they tell me this...
I am absolutely at the end of my tether with these problems, and so pessimistic about my future. The only way I can avoid this is to abstain completely, as I have zero gynae problems when I’m not sexually active (I’ve gone years at a time without sex in the past). I have had this all my life since I first had sex at age 18, I am now 25 and feel I will never manage to have a sexual relationship – and therefore will never find love and a relationship. I am desperately sad about this as I would love to have a family some day.
My attitudes to sex have gone from keen and positive to angry, sad and bitter. I see sex as an obstacle that means that I will never be loved by a man. I get sad if I see it movies or even sexy images on adverts, and when friends talk about sex I have to hide my dismay. I’m pretty depressed in regards to this, and am on anti-depressants to cope. In other areas of my life I am successful in my career, have lots of friends and if I can forget about sex and relationships, a normal happy person.
I started seeing a lovely guy but I have had bad reactions every time we’ve had sex – we’ve slept together a few times in as many months. He’s being ‘supportive’ but I can’t face the guilt since he’s a very sexual person (as soon as we’re alone, he wants sex) and I know he should be with someone who can have a normal happy sexual relationship with. I have tried to end things with him because of this, but he gets upset and says it doesn’t matter to him and he wants to be with me. I am completely at a loss, both with what to do about my health problems and what to do about my current ‘relationship’. Being with someone who wants to have sex but can’t is stressing me out considerably.
Any ideas, or advice, would be hugely appreciated!
thank you for the responses! And ticked - i feel your pain! The guilt I feel isn't just that we can't have sex - he can still be satisfied in other ways - but it's the emotional problems, and the bitter attitude to sexuality I so hope i don't pass on to him! And of course, I do wish we could be having happy and problem-free sex...
Really sad to hear that you've had bad experiences in the past Ticked, I think that our problems might be made significantly worse by stress, a few doctors have thought that my problems may well be psychosomatic since nothing but sexual contact sets me off - i never had problems whilst i'm abstaining. The thought it could be psychosomatic just stresses me out more though!
Does your boyfriend say things like, 'i just want you to be to enjoy it too?' - he's definitely being nice but it;s the worst thing he can say! way too much to ask me and makes me feel like a total failure :(
The latest doctor I saw, a week ago, who was a consultant gynecologist and psychologist (i really thought this might make her qualified to help!) seemed both unconcerned with my problem and also quite convinced it was some sort of skin disorder, and probably eczema. she gave me some cream, which isn't working, and also - a female comdom. i hadn't even thought of trying this, and i'm not too sure how similar your problems are to mine (i don't think i get the little cuts you mentioned). But I'm hoping the female condom might work to reduce friction - the man 'takes' the friction. Anyway, I think we'll try this once my symptoms have calmed down, and i've calmed down too - i just burst into tears if he even tries to touch me down there at the minute....
As for your questions:
I'm not currently on the pill and since i've had this for 7 years, and been with and without condoms, on and off the pill, and just had so many different circumstances that have made no bearing on me, I feel like the problem is all me. As Hargail suggested, it might just run in the family, but i don;t have any female members of my family i can ask as my mum died when i was younger, but i'm sure she never had this.
Your question about how long can our boyfriends be patient and understanding is my main question too... i really don't know :( and i hate feeling indebted and guilty always. mine would want sex multiple times a day if we could, and i wanted to too. I have given him so many opportunities to split up guiltfree by seriously suggesting it myself. And each time I've tried, it's ended up with both of us crying and him just getting really miserable, so i think i'm just going to, against all my fears and pessimism, try to trust him the best i can....
Have you looked on this website? it's really comforting and I think i'm going to go the the next support group meeting: http://www.vulvalpainsociety.org/
I definitely sounds like you have vaginismus, i think i have it slightly too, and it looks like we need to do pelvic floor exercise to learn now to control our muscles down there so we know how to relax them. So ANOTHER issue to overcome :/
He does give me oral when i'm feeling OK, which is rare... and this really really helps me relax before sex. we use lube as well, which although we don;t usually need it, take some of the pressure off me to be wet enough, because when you're really upset and stressed out about sex, this is harder i think!
I'm so impressed you've been with your boyfriend for one and half years, i've been with mine a few months - it's so hard getting into a relationship when you've got this - and this is the first time i've tried (at age 25!) I feel like I do satisfy him in other ways, even if they're making him happy being there for him and making him feel loved. He's said i help him so much with his own issues which are of an emotional nature, and that a lot of my 'problem' is focusing too much on whether or not we can have sex, which he says 'isn't an issue' - i'm not sure how long this will last though! Hmmm.
Really sad to hear that you've had bad experiences in the past Ticked, I think that our problems might be made significantly worse by stress, a few doctors have thought that my problems may well be psychosomatic since nothing but sexual contact sets me off - i never had problems whilst i'm abstaining. The thought it could be psychosomatic just stresses me out more though!
Does your boyfriend say things like, 'i just want you to be to enjoy it too?' - he's definitely being nice but it;s the worst thing he can say! way too much to ask me and makes me feel like a total failure :(
The latest doctor I saw, a week ago, who was a consultant gynecologist and psychologist (i really thought this might make her qualified to help!) seemed both unconcerned with my problem and also quite convinced it was some sort of skin disorder, and probably eczema. she gave me some cream, which isn't working, and also - a female comdom. i hadn't even thought of trying this, and i'm not too sure how similar your problems are to mine (i don't think i get the little cuts you mentioned). But I'm hoping the female condom might work to reduce friction - the man 'takes' the friction. Anyway, I think we'll try this once my symptoms have calmed down, and i've calmed down too - i just burst into tears if he even tries to touch me down there at the minute....
As for your questions:
I'm not currently on the pill and since i've had this for 7 years, and been with and without condoms, on and off the pill, and just had so many different circumstances that have made no bearing on me, I feel like the problem is all me. As Hargail suggested, it might just run in the family, but i don;t have any female members of my family i can ask as my mum died when i was younger, but i'm sure she never had this.
Your question about how long can our boyfriends be patient and understanding is my main question too... i really don't know :( and i hate feeling indebted and guilty always. mine would want sex multiple times a day if we could, and i wanted to too. I have given him so many opportunities to split up guiltfree by seriously suggesting it myself. And each time I've tried, it's ended up with both of us crying and him just getting really miserable, so i think i'm just going to, against all my fears and pessimism, try to trust him the best i can....
Have you looked on this website? it's really comforting and I think i'm going to go the the next support group meeting: http://www.vulvalpainsociety.org/
I definitely sounds like you have vaginismus, i think i have it slightly too, and it looks like we need to do pelvic floor exercise to learn now to control our muscles down there so we know how to relax them. So ANOTHER issue to overcome :/
He does give me oral when i'm feeling OK, which is rare... and this really really helps me relax before sex. we use lube as well, which although we don;t usually need it, take some of the pressure off me to be wet enough, because when you're really upset and stressed out about sex, this is harder i think!
I'm so impressed you've been with your boyfriend for one and half years, i've been with mine a few months - it's so hard getting into a relationship when you've got this - and this is the first time i've tried (at age 25!) I feel like I do satisfy him in other ways, even if they're making him happy being there for him and making him feel loved. He's said i help him so much with his own issues which are of an emotional nature, and that a lot of my 'problem' is focusing too much on whether or not we can have sex, which he says 'isn't an issue' - i'm not sure how long this will last though! Hmmm.
Also I found that every new guy I slept with it would be intensified that much more. Its like I am allergic to penis's if that makes any sense.
I have been with my boyfriend now for 1.5yrs and I still have itching, vaginal and anal cuts as well as it being painful to have sex. Its not getting better with him so I too am trying to find out why.
I am almost sure the BCP has caused my cuts and itching but I cant come off them because of the Endometriosis.
I am sure doctors have asked you this before and since I know I was asked I will ask you. Have you ever been sexually abused?
As a teenager I was used a lot by guys and they forced themselves in me and I think that is the reason why I tense up. I think of sex is pain and I am not sure if it will ever get better.
My boyfriend and I just try to do more for play so that I make sure I am really wet and that helps a little.
I have been with my boyfriend now for 1.5yrs and I still have itching, vaginal and anal cuts as well as it being painful to have sex. Its not getting better with him so I too am trying to find out why.
I am almost sure the BCP has caused my cuts and itching but I cant come off them because of the Endometriosis.
I am sure doctors have asked you this before and since I know I was asked I will ask you. Have you ever been sexually abused?
As a teenager I was used a lot by guys and they forced themselves in me and I think that is the reason why I tense up. I think of sex is pain and I am not sure if it will ever get better.
My boyfriend and I just try to do more for play so that I make sure I am really wet and that helps a little.
okkk i just want to know do you have a simlier thing runing in your family!!!!!!!!!!! and do you take any type of pills which may led to thing like birth control becas im really asking GOD what the problem is!! becas ypu have gone seen doc's who can help you they is no help!! PLEASE PRAY ABOUT THIS and GOD WILL LED OTHERS TO HELP YOUR NEED
I totally understand the guilt that you are feeling. I am in the same position as my boyfriend always wants sex and to me its torture to even think about it.
I have endometriosis and just to even have him go in me is excruciating.
I could care less to have sex and that is my problem. I would rather be alone and not have sex then to feel the guilt of being with someone and not being able to, or doing it to satisfy them.
My boyfriend as well is very understanding but how understanding could they be and for how long?
Does he do alot of oral on you? And if so how long?
You probably have an issue that i have. As soon as he enters I tense up without knowing it. No matter how relaxed I am. Its almost like it spasms.
I dont know how you relax your vagina.
Do you use condoms all the time? Maybe you are allergic to them? Or sperm in general? "human seminal plasma protein hypersensitivity (SPH)"
I cant use them they make it worse for me also I feel that I always get itchy after sex all the time no matter what.
Are you on the pill?
Possibly it could be your PH levels, There is this compound called C boric acid that is said to help as well.
I have endometriosis and just to even have him go in me is excruciating.
I could care less to have sex and that is my problem. I would rather be alone and not have sex then to feel the guilt of being with someone and not being able to, or doing it to satisfy them.
My boyfriend as well is very understanding but how understanding could they be and for how long?
Does he do alot of oral on you? And if so how long?
You probably have an issue that i have. As soon as he enters I tense up without knowing it. No matter how relaxed I am. Its almost like it spasms.
I dont know how you relax your vagina.
Do you use condoms all the time? Maybe you are allergic to them? Or sperm in general? "human seminal plasma protein hypersensitivity (SPH)"
I cant use them they make it worse for me also I feel that I always get itchy after sex all the time no matter what.
Are you on the pill?
Possibly it could be your PH levels, There is this compound called C boric acid that is said to help as well.
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