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Wandering

So... I guess here goes.  My first memory (which is very very vague, mind you) is having needles stuck all over me at a month old to give me a complete blood transfusion due to a bad reaction to the MMR triple vaccine.  I clinically died at only a month old and was so for a good five minutes, which is what brought about this situation.  I was told I never was the same since that.  I'd never really been happy or sad truly until later in life.  Fast forward a few years ahead and a head injury later and things never were the same since.  I was diagnosed with PTSD and schizophrenia over a year ago from the present day but this was nothing new to me since I had symptoms of the former since I was 4 or 5 and symptoms of the latter since the head injury.  I'm told schizophrenia can't be activated from a head injury but my psychiatrist and other people who evaluated me insist I have schizophrenia even though they know it activated because of a head injury.  What happened when I was 4 or 5 years old to bring about PTSD?  Well some sicko who thought he had the right to be called my grandfather just because he was married to my grandmother decided to molest and torture me on several occasions and also poison me and everyone else with trace amounts of arsenic and torture my mother's pet mice and god knows what else.  He died recently and never served any prison time which only served to disgust me because he got away with it as I am agnostic and refuse to believe in anything so I don't believe in this concept of justice in the afterlife, however I don't doubt it either so for all I know he could be in hell or reincarnated as a worm or anything, I never had the time to figure out which religion is true and with my schizophrenia I don't know what to believe to be true or doubt.  My schizophrenia totally ruins my quality of life even though I am under treatment for it.  The PTSD isn't so bad when I'm treated for it and not relapsing.  Come to think about it, this is when I started having thoughts of suicide was after I developed PTSD but not because I was depressed, I just thought it was the only way to fix myself and escape my situation.  My home life was OK except it was extremely lonely.  In school everyone except a couple of people severely bullied me because I was different and were all around sadistic a-holes.  Even teachers joined in on this which I still don't understand to this day.  My mom wasn't really around until I was 14 or 15 and I never got to meet my dad because he died before I could meet him and I was told they were cousins which has created a really bad complex for me that I'm going to go to hell if it exists just for being the product of something like that.  However I did try to move in with my mom and step-dad when I was 9 or 10 but this resulted in them accusing me of molesting my sister when she was only 1 or 2 years old.  I would rather not get into what happened as I also have PTSD related to this and it was one of the worst thing that happened to me in my life.  I had never felt so much terror and betrayal in my life than I had felt at this time.  I feel like deleting this whole thing now and not posting this at all but I'm going to force myself to continue.  **** I lost my train of thought now.  I didn't really need treatment for my symptoms of schizophrenia until I was forced to relive the conditions for this situation which my mental health really deteriorated at this point where I couldn't function at all without antipsychotics and I experienced my first full psychotic break.  In my worst stages now I can lose all contact with reality and appear to be delirious or not be able to understand anything around me whatsoever.  Later in life I met this person and for the first time I was happy in my life but then suddenly she dumped me for her brother.  After three months of the hell of losing happiness after I finally found it and being totally lost and despondent I was told her brother had forced her to do it and had raped her.  He never went to prison either.  I battle alcoholism constantly as you can probably expect.  My father actually killed himself from drinking so much alcohol in one drinking session and I am trying not to follow in his footsteps in that respect.  I had to watch my great grandfather die to brain cancer slowly and watch as he lost all recognition of who we were which my great grandparents were the ones who reared me while my mom and dad were gone and my grandfather died shortly before him in a horrible car accident.  Both died when I was a little kid.  I'm trying to come through it all this but it seems like when things are OK something happens like this stuff like I freak out and lose my job and am threatened with homelessness.  **** I feel the need to drink after writing all of this maybe this was a bad idea.  I don't know if I missed anything because I don't feel like proof reading this bull **** but I'm told it's good to get things out so I thought maybe it would help if I told total strangers my story.  I've had just about everything happen at one point or another that can happen with schizophrenia that I've learned (which I'm not going to write all that out because it would take 7 or more printed off pages as I tried before for the person who did my psychiatric evaluation) so if you want to know anything about that disease I would be a good source of information so just ask.
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Avatar universal
Just a thought in the drinking.  I was in the bar business for 18.5 years.  I have never seen alcohol solve a problem....never.  Keep talking with your doctors, stay on your meds.  Youre doing the right things, but dont rely on alcohol for anything good.  It isnt there.
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1032715 tn?1315984234
It's great you have been able to write your story,I hope it helps with coping with your stresses.Take Care

Denise
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Avatar universal
I thought I should add amazingly after all that I am not depressed but it extremely stresses me out and drains me and I have some extreme problems with anxiety.
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