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1448393 tn?1288014837

this is my story.

When I was 14 I started to drink and go out with friends to party. One night I went out with my best friend  and a few others to hangout and have a few drinks. We ended up going to friends brothers house  (her boyfriend was 18 and his brother was 25)  They had a bunch of guys there that were between the ages of 18 and 29, thinking we were so cool hanging out with older guys and all that.. I was flirting with the guys and had asked them to mix me drinks and make them strong. Of course by then I was feeling pretty good.  Two of the guys ended up putting ecstasy in my drink, one of them being my best friends boyfriend. I started to feel really tired and very out of it so I asked her boyfriend to take me somewhere to lay down. He and my best friend helped me to the bedroom and laid me down, but instead of leaving me to try and sleep it off they started having sex in the same room. I was to messed up to care I just wanted to lay down and feel better. But when he finished with her he started trying to take my pants off, I didn't really know what was going on so I just kept asking him to leave me alone and go away, he kept telling me how much I would enjoy him and how it was okay, he kept promising he would take care of me and I would have a good time. He ripped my pants off and started touching me and I remember starting to cry and saying NO over and over. He just wouldn't listen, he climbed on top of me and put himself inside me. I was still a virgin. I tried to get him off me and I begged him to stop as the warm tears ran down my cheeks. I remember the pain that filled my body, the piercing feeling as he entered me, and the sickness that came over me as I started loosing consciousness. Struggling to stay awake and hit him and push him away. I looked up at him, he had a smile on his face as he took everything from me, as he stole the one thing that I had for me, my one piece of innocents, my virginity. Looking past him was my best friend watching him do this to me and she did nothing to help, she just stood there saying it will feel good soon, you will love it. Then everything went black. When I woke up I was scared and naked and in so much pain it was almost unbearable, the sheets soaked in blood and it was running down my thighs. I got up and got dressed and ran to the bathroom. I washed as much of it off as I could, threw up, washed my face and fixed my make up. Then figured I should drink more to make it all go away ( I figured if I drank enough I wouldn't remember anything from that night), to feel better and numb and just not hurt. So I filled up my cup and sat down on the couch alone. Then this cute, sweet, older guy (29 year old)  came over to me and asked if I was okay, I said to him I just want to get wasted and forget the whole night, he asked me if I wanted to go talk, I assumed he was a good guy and went to the room with him to talk, I wanted someone to know I wanted to get it off my chest and maybe I would feel a little better, maybe he would be my knight in shining armor and fight the other guy, I don't know what I was thinking or how stupid I was because when we got to the room he gave me another drink, threw me down on the bed and it happened all over again, this time when I woke up I was at my friends house. In the morning I  woke up sober and realized what had happened that night, I stayed in my room crying all day. I never told anyone what had happened to me and it became to much for me so I started to cut myself. I blamed myself for being raped that night. I would cut every day when I was alone. when I was at school I would get high and close myself off, and I started to drink a lot more to numb the pain. Finally my friends started to ask what happened to me, why was I shutting everyone out, why I started doing drugs, after 8 and a half months I finally told my friend and she went to the doctors with me and she got me to go talk to the school counselor and I kind of thought after that I would forget it happened and be myself again, but I continued doing drugs til I was 17. I finally realize it was the wrong way to fix things and I wanted to be better then that. Since that night though I have been very scared to be alone and I have a lot of trouble sleeping. But I got used to that, I am now 20 years old and still have trouble sleeping, I have a night light, and I am still afraid of being alone, but the past month has been very hard for me, I have been having a lot of nightmares about that night. I have been really scared, even woke up crying, I have also being having nightmares well awake. My boyfriend of a year in a half is getting really worried, I have also become very closed off after sex because it comes into my head and I hate it. He is very understanding but I am starting to think I am crazy and beyond fixing and come on it has been like 6 years why won't it go away, why is it causing so many issues now . So that is my story. If anyone has any advice on making the nightmares stop or anything that would be awesome. Thank you for reading.
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1390847 tn?1344657468
Im so sorry that has happened to you...a similar thing happened to me.
I was with guys older than me and they started coming on to me.  however, they were drunk and i was not.  i had been drinking but not at all close to the amount that they were.  and things happened that i did not want.  multiple guys did things but they stopped when i started freaking out.  only 1 guy didnt stop.  but after i felt so dirty and honestly ive never been the same.  this all happened when i was 12 and now im 17 and not the same.  
When my boyfriend and i started doing sexual things i would start shaking really really hard.  sometimes i would start crying and sometimes i started feeling really sick to my stomach.  he never forced me to do anything like those guys, but i still felt awful becuase i felt pathedic and bad that i couldnt do those things with him because of those guys.

know that you arent alone.  I agree with narla, counsiling helps but i also know from experience that telling people about this is embarrassing and just really brings up bad emotions.  I am in therapy, but have never told my therapist this.  so from an outside view i would say yes, therapy definitly helps.  but with my experience, i understand it is really tough.  but you have to do what will help you the most.
Good luck with everything, I hope you find happiness.
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1448393 tn?1288014837
thank you very much.
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1032715 tn?1315984234
You need counselling to help you understand your feelings and emotions,everything about that night needs to be put into perspective,so you can move on,get the counselling now don't wait till it interferes with your relationships.
I was sexually abused as a child and I have only just dealt with it,I'm 48 don't wait till your my age do something about it now,

If you ever want to talk send me a private message and I'll help you any way I can.
Take Care  Denise
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