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Avatar universal

post bypass anxiety and personality changes

My husband had quintuple bypass surgery 8 months ago. He had a mild heart attack 13 years previously which did not require any surgical intervention. I have noticed after his surgery that his anxiety level is extremely high. He lashes out for the smallest things and everything seems to get to him, especially anything that involves me. He drinks more wine to relax and I think it is having an adverse effect. When I mention that he might try some relaxation techniques to quell his anxiety he "goes off". He says "the doctor says I shouldn't be stressed and you are adding to it". I am so worried that if he continues on this pace he will wind up back in the hospital. Now when he stresses about something or drinks I want to avoid him because I don't want to hear him yell or tell me the latest thing I have done to give him anxiety,stress, etc. I spoke to the nurse months ago during his cardiac rehab and she said not to fight with him but don't let him abuse me either. I just don't know what to do anymore. He was not like this prior to the surgery and I just wondered if this is common and if it subsides. I am really trying not to feel sorry for myself but his heart surgery really happened to all of us and has affected everyone. I feel that I am walking on eggshells. Part of me wants to run and hide....getting close to my breaking point. Do you have any advice?
Thank you!
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Avatar universal
I do not have an answer to your question. I have been married for 32 years and my husband has suffered two heart attacks. One that required a stent and one double by pass. I also suffered a heart attack that required a stent and one year before that I had a concussion. I was very sick during that time. Once I got better I realized he has been sexting. He has moved out of our bedroom into our guest room and sexts all night. He has just bought a new laptop to in order to enjoy his porn. He has had ED for 8 years. He is constantly angry and blames me for everything. He has put a wedge between me and our youngest daughter. He wants our home sold and promises to stop sexting if I do this. When I ask him what he needs, he says too little, too late, but, wants to buy a smaller home with me. I feel like I am walking on eggshells. I stay confused. This is just the tip of the iceberg. He knows I have epilepsy and stress brings on my seizures, but, that does not seem to matter to him nor me having a heart attack as well. I suppose it is because it only required a stent. He was always a wonderful, caring, loving husband and as many of you have stated, I no longer know whom I am living with anymore. I do not know what to do anymore. I love him so very much, but, I do not know how much I or my own health can take much longer. Prayers for all.
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329165 tn?1515471990
Hi there,

Depression and anxiety can change a person totally!  I think you need to talk to your son and convince him to see a Psychologist.

Also read up on Pump head syndrome.

All the best and please let me know how you are doing.
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Avatar universal
I understand everybody. My heart is thoroughly broken. My beautiful boy, who was gentle and so very gifted, belongs to mensa, had quintuple bypass at 34 last year over Christmas. I got a different child back. I am the worst thing in his life. I taught my children values and gentleness. He now lays about, has zero ambition but I am the worst thing in his life. Suddenly my heart beats fast when I see him because I KNOW he will scold me. I am totally in shock. This is not happening to me. I don't know this person at all. He has forgotten things that were pertinent in our lives. He was around 8 hours on heart-lung machine. I have given up all hope.
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Avatar universal
Thanks Ed for sharing this with us. Inspiring and much needed. I had a 6 way and have growing fear about each day-til I read this. Thank you so much!
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Avatar universal
We have other issues on top of the bypass, too, exacerbated after his heart attack. So, I'm dealing with all of those problems plus his health. We've made 2 major moves since all of it began, too, so that adds to stress levels. Financial issues, no support system, old family issues, you name it. I know one thing--no more marriages! I can't imagine going through this w/ another person.
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Avatar universal
I would be interested to hear more about relaxation techniques to deal with the anxiety when it occurs.

I prefer to be able to do it at home.

Thankyou.
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329165 tn?1515471990
Your GP is an idiot for saying you don't need to worry about it!  

As someone who has gone through OHS twice and having gone through some other major health issues, I can advice you to seek Counselling - even if the Counsellor says you don't have depression, you can get relaxation techniques to help you deal with anxiety.

Please keep us updated :)
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Avatar universal
I appreciate your advice regarding pump head which I have read, and find it a relief to have an explanation as to my post operation for triple heart bypass exactly one year ago.

I was having uncontroable frightening feelings that came frequently.My GP said it wasn't depression and that I should not worry about it, I did try to question if it was to do with my operation as I guessed it may be.

It has eased my mind upon reading up on google.

I wrote a reply before I signed up to this forum so apologies if you recieve this reply twice.

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329165 tn?1515471990
I agree whole-heartedly with you (pun intended).  I had OHS and personality changes - did not get aggressive or abusive, but very sad for no apparent reason and changed from being this happy-go-lucky-smiley person into someone that questioned anything and everything about life and challenged everyone and find purpose for just being alive!

Turned out I had major depression and did not know anything about pump head syndrome, until I went to seek the help of a marriage counsellor and was diagnosed and treated with anti-depros.

Now I am Smiley again :)
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Avatar universal
As ed34 said, a little counseling after the surgery can go a long way towards help with the emotional problems that often develop between couples when a life-threatening illness occurs.

In addition, when bypass surgery has been done, it is pretty common for the patient to experience what appears to be problems with thinking.  It is called "pump head," and you can google it.  Your husband may be suffering from this, as well as from the fear Ed describes.

However, that does not mean that your job is to put up with abuse.  If I were in your difficult position, I would in fact speak privately to my husband's doctor about this.  Chances are the doc has seen it before and would have some ideas about how to cope.

I would ALSO go alone to see a marriage and family counselor for advice about the situation.  Our own counsleor teaches wonderful techniques for dealing with stressful relationships.  This can help enormously, even if the spouse will not go to therapy.
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976897 tn?1379167602
The biggest problem is coming to terms with it (the patient I mean). It is hard, especially for a man, suddenly realizing you are not a super strong masculine type, but are fragile. It's a sudden realization of how we must look after this flesh machine we live inside. After my bypass I was sent to cardiac rehab, and the first 2-3 sessions, my partner had to come with me and we were asked to put our cards on the table each time, to explain how we feel in front of each other. The results were very good and opened our eyes.
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Avatar universal
My husband had  a bypass in 09.He's emotionally like a "monster." Nasty, abusive, irritable, angry, goes "off" at any/everything.  Before the surgery, he would go "off" maybe once/6months, now it's nearly daily. They save their lives and we live w/ the consequences. If I had known, I would have left right away, honestly speaking. I've endured nothing but abuse from this monster.
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Avatar universal
Maybe instead of making the it all about and your feelings you should step outside yourself and take care of his first. He needs, probably for the first time sinse you have known him he needs a kind of help that it sounds like you cant give because you cant put aside yourself. Its hard to be selfless and put some one completely before you and to do whats right by them and not what you think is right for them. Instead of being selfish by getting upset, mad, or affraid at hohw he is acting humble yourself and realize this man just went through the most tramatizing thing to body and mind a doctor can legally do and he needs your support and help and most of all selfless understanding. He is changed, affraid, insecure and confused and you can either help him and pull him back to who he was or hurt him and make him worse than he is. Which ever you choose for him its forever. You can walk away and leave him but what you do now will affect him until the day he dies. Sorry to get so real on you but Ive been on both sides and right now you have all the power wether it feels like that or not. Good luck, I hope you make the right choice
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Avatar universal
Thank you ed34..  I very much appreciate the time you took to reply and I must admit your message brought tears to my eyes..  I will go visit her early this week and try to speak with her.  You are lucky that your wife was as understanding as she was and she is lucky too, to have such an obviously warm and caring husband.  Take care of yourself. :)
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976897 tn?1379167602
I think the best thing would be to go humble, go visit her and see if she has changed towards you. If you see no difference and you can't reason with her, then I would perhaps discuss it with her GP, but if she finds out you've seen her GP behind her back, it may cause her to become more hostile. It's only 3-4 months since her surgery, which was very traumatic, let alone the cardiac problems post surgery. It affects people both emotionally and physically. It took me 12 months to get over the problems and heal fully. You really can't explain how it feels in your head, it's like you stare at the possibility of death every minute of every day. You suddenly realise just how fragile the body can really be. Fear is a strong emotion. I found a huge help was cardiac rehab, where lots of small positive comments were fed back to the patients. Instead of thinking death all the time, we would suddenly start seeing things in true perspective, it doesn't mean that you will die in the next 24hours. Many won't admit that fear, but it's definitely in there. You don't believe anyone understands because they haven't experienced it, and feel alone, even though they are showing they care. It can really screw your mind up. I remember when they took me to theatre for my surgery, I was so terrified that I came very close to just running away several times. The thought of having your chest opened is the stuff of nightmares. So I would urge you to put up with her abuse, it happens but will improve over time. When I was abusive to my Wife, she cuddled me and I felt guilty and even cried sometimes. It was a good vent for my emotions and showed how much she cared. You don't know how to deal with all those strong emotions and anger/frustration seems to top the bill in many cases. This leads to abuse and everything which goes with it. I'm sure inside she doesn't want to lose such a loving/caring daughter on top of all her other problems. I can say from experience that the bad things I said were not meant, they seem convincing to the third party, but it's a release and you always take it out on the ones you love the most.
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Avatar universal
My 89 yr old mother had valve replacement and double bypass surgery in May of this year.  2 hours after surgery, she had cardiac shock and almost died.  We were told by the doctors that night that she probably wouldn't make it.  Miraculously, she did.  It has been a long hard road to recovery and up until last week, I have been her primary carer.  As her youngest daughter, I have loved taking care of her and took so much personal joy in seeing her improvement every week.  I showered her with my attention, care and love.  However, she has now turned on me.  she has been giving my father a lot of grief since before she left hospital and it has become more difficult to see the hurtful things she has said to him over the past few months.  Last week, she said some very hurtful things to me, when I visited.  I left, very upset, telling her beforehand that she was a wicked, ungrateful woman.  I don't regret saying it as I really feel it is true.  She has always been very fiery and aggressive, but has become worse since surgery.  I am very upset about the whole thing.  I haven't spoken with her in over a week.  I speak with my dad every day and the only good thing here is that she hasnt been verbally abusing him since our incident.  I miss her dreadfully and I am so worried about her, but I felt unwanted and Completely rejected by her.  What should I do?  Should I talk to her GP?
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976897 tn?1379167602
I agree totally that in many patients something goes on. After my bypass surgery, I was very weepy for a couple of weeks and then it passed. There is so much that is yet not understood about the body and mind. Scientists and Doctors always form two camps until things are understood. I know it's off topic, but I've been studying near death experiences for a couple of years now and it's amazing stuff to look into. Scientists believed that the bright lights, flashbacks of our lives etc were just chemical reactions, because it can be reproduced in many cases by denying the brain it's normal oxygen level. However, in many near death experiences,the brain is flat line, so it cannot produce anything. Even more amazing is how people blind from birth report seeing for the first time. Unable to name colours, they just refer to them as different intensities. The mind seems very much to be a separate entity to the brain, or should I say our consciousness. Perhaps major surgery upsets this balance somehow. Much to learn and I wonder if we will ever know all the answers.
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976897 tn?1379167602
http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=disease-may-cause-pumphead
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329165 tn?1515471990
Hi there, Minax

I had open heart surgery 4 years ago to repair a diseased mitral-valve.  The depression and personality changes that patients have post-op is due to the lung-bypass-machine as they flatline your brain to work with a heart that is not pumping!  you can read up on it:  pump head" syndrome and just put yourself in his situation:  OHS is life-changing surgery and it is very hard getting through it and some people become aggressive because they feel they have lost control over the bodies and health and feel hopeless and depressed and really need anti-depressions and a lot of TLC from friends and family.

It does not give anyone the excuse to swear and yell and be rude, but it is because of the untreated depression and anger that the patient is doing it and he actually just need someone Professional to talk to him (Pshyciatrist) and get medication for it.
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Avatar universal
My dad had 6 heart bypasses then a month and a half later he had two more stints put in. He had a temper before but after his surgery he has turned in to a complete *******.  He calls me names & yells at everything.  My mom & I can't stand even talking to him anymore because everything we say apparently pisses him off. My cousin who is also a male had heart surgery as well & his wife said she almost left him because of it.  He's not "rude" anymore so I'm hoping this passes soon. I think with all the stress my dad wont make it to see me even 25. I'm 19 now.  :/
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565879 tn?1236130997
That look after surgery says it all, doesn't it? I still can't get it out of my head.  Our situation isn't as severe as yours, but it's like a vague Jekyll/Hyde . . . and I'm trying to apply our old standards to a new relationship - one I wouldn't have chosen.
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565879 tn?1236130997
How did you find your marriage counselor? Meaning like did you grab the Yellow Pages and point one out? My husband's surgery was Aug 2009. He eagerly agreed to visit a counselor - so out of character for him - but I'm the one that may not be able to hold on.  There's been so much heart ache the past couple of years. I thought I'd been taking care of him . . . Heart ache.
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976897 tn?1379167602
I had triple bypass surgery in 2007 and for months I felt different and responded to everyone around me differently. It's the way you suddenly see life, like you have been given a warning that your body is very fragile and you are going to die in a short period of time. My Wife came with me to see my cardiologist for a routine checkup, and when he asked if everything was ok, she jumped in and said "no it isn't". She explained the situation and my Cardiologist turned to me and said "look, I'm going to give it to you blunt and straight. Yes you've had a heart attack and yes you've had bypass surgery. If we go back 50 years, you would be dead now. However, your heart muscle is in good shape, output is at the high end of normal. You are at higher risk for heart attack, but not as high as it could be thanks to medication. You do realise that even I could have a heart attack before you, and there is every chance that you may never have another one. It is far more likely that you will slowly form more blockages, but as your symptoms increase, we can deal with those. IF, and it's a big IF, you get to a stage where we can't do any more, then there is always transplant. However, research is accelerating and new tools for angioplasty are developing all the time. Now comes the blunt part. We are all born with one problem, everyone is. That problem is that we will die one day. Nobody can avoid that, not even the best Doctors. What's important is how we live our lives and to spend the rest of your life in fear and self pity will not only shorten it, but ruin any quality. Even your spouse is going to die one day, so really we are all in the same boat, and nobody knows when that day will come. So your wife, children and friends, facing the very same outcome, really don't deserve to be treated in a disrespectful way. In reality they need you and they need you to need them. Don't feel useless, for decades you've supported them, so what's wrong with them getting the chance to show their love and return the favour for a while in helping you. All I can say is that you need to look at life as a good thing, not just a queue for death. Live each day to get good memories and to be blunt again, snap out of it".

I wrote this down as soon as I got home and read it a few times, it's still on my PC. He sure was blunt, but it got the message home. I remember looking at every person on the journey home, thinking, he's right, all these people and nobody knows when their time is up. Most don't even know if they have bad arteries or not. So I'm far from alone. I think the human mind needs to have everything in little boxes, we like things in perspective too. We hate the not knowing and it scares us. For days I just kept telling myself "yes you will die one day, everyone does, but what the heck. Just enjoy each day and make what time you have left worth it. Don't go to your grave as the miserable nasty father, but rather the loving and understanding one. If you live another day, fine, if you live another 30-40 years, even better but just remember nobody knows".
Once I accepted that, I was fine and it only took about a week. I just needed a good shake and to be able to see things in perspective. Realising it isn't the end made all the difference.
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Avatar universal
Hi There.
My husband had a tripple bypass at the beginning of December 2009. Our marraige has ever since, not been the same. He was a kind, soft hearted person. very loving, caring, the type of man every woman wants to marry. In general we had a good life and still do. But boy, the moods and blameshifting is really getting to me. In July 2012 we will be married for 9 years. We had never argued this much. he is blaming me for allmost everything. Love the wine and are forever eating. He has a total change in his personality. I read that youre father had both his carotid arterys replaced. what symptoms did he experience? My husband is complaining of pain in the right carotid artery. The children get their share of verbal abuse. There is no way that I can just walk away, although it might be the easy way out.
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