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Avatar universal

When it seems to be the only rational response


I have been treated for depression for the last 20 years, although in my view what I have is dysthemia which on occasion lapses into deep depression from which I will emerge after not too long. It is during these short spells that I have in the past wanted not so much to kill myself but simply to die.

However, I have been going through a period of my life which has been so consistently humiliating and dispiriting with no relief, even momenetary,  I am down but not terribly depressed. What is new is that the thoughts of dying or of killing myself have begun to feel to me like a rational even honorable way to deal with what has been happening to me. I don't have the urge to die this minute. What I am getting is the feeling that on any given day in the future, without a lot of personal fanfare or pre-thought that I will decide to end it one day and be dead within the hour.
I have no cries for help I wish to make. It's just that help is not in the cards for me, not help that can possibly make me see the difficulties and crises which just keep falling on me. Fate, luck or whatever has been consistently terrible for me since I was 25 years old, long enough to no longer believe that my luck will turn, things will get better, I will get healthier, my wife will act and say she loves me, my sons will tell me I'm a great dad.  None of this is going to happen for me.  As I said, it's not in the cards.
I'm a laughingstock to myself only because nobody really bothers to consider me long enough to even reach that conclusion.
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Avatar universal
Sorry.  I meant to read my post before sending it.  I hope as a first post you don't find it too harsh.  Your situation can be problem-solved and things can be made better.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I do sense a degree of depression or apathy when reading your post.  I can relate, I have been there too.

I think what you are describing is a passive suicide wish.  I think when things get really bad you just numb yourself to everything and while dying feels like it could provide relief you feel too tired to care or to act.

I think I know what you mean by the down but not depressed.  My theory about these is that they are depressive transferences.  We feel depressed about aspects of our lives but the episodes are more transient, they come and go.

Is it rational and honorable?
It's interesting that we may perceive it as such when most other people perceive it as selfish.

I think when you are thinking and feeling that way it is time to get help.
I have felt that way when I have been really stressed and unwell and when I have had a reaction to a particular medication.  I found it pretty scary to think that I could off myself without actually feeling in control of it or the situation.
I think that when you become that impulsive or unpredictable you need help.

Do you mind if I ask you some questions?  What happened to you when you were 25?
OK.  Maybe just the one question for now.

I don't necessarily think that life is about luck.  I think we make our own luck.  I think there are things that we can do to help improve our health and our quality of life and our relationships.

Why is it not in the cards?  What is preventing you from making some changes to ensure it does happen?  While you are alive there is the possibility that you can change, that things can improve.

I don't think you're a laughing stock.  You come across as being sincere.  I think that you're experiencing a high level of distress but I think things can always be worked through.

I read a little of your profile.  I was once given an answer to the question of physical damage.  I was told that it is not physical damage but emotional damage.

I think that once specialists do their bit to save your life and you become less of a priority to them that the responsibility for your health lies with you.

I would strongly recommend you access psychological support to help you through this.  I would also recommend you discuss your suicidal thoughts with a doctor.

Would you like to discuss the things that you feel are humiliating and dispiriting?  In my opinion, it is only once you address these that things will improve.
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