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Avatar universal

Married to a gambler....

My husband has been a gambler for years, most of which I was in the dark the whole time.  The past year I have discovered the actual extent of his gambling and am at my wits end with all of this.  I am trying to be the "nice, supportive, understanding wife" (gag) but I do NOT understand the addiction at all, I see it as a complete lack of self-control.  Does anyone have any advice, experience similar to this they can help me out with, I have no idea how to handle this.
Thanks...
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143952 tn?1237864541
i don't know the extent of your assets, but you have to find out how much damage he's done.  addicted gamblers can be very secretive about the extent of their problem.  i have a friend who didn't have a clue about her husband's problem until she was home when the mail arrived one day.  included in the day's mail was the final notice from the mortgage company.  they lost their home! he had been getting to the mail first and hiding all their late notices!  good luck.
Helpful - 1
Avatar universal
Thanks everyone, yes I am aware of the extent of his problem, and unfortunately it's pretty bad.  My major concern is that I simply do not trust him at all and I find myself not believing a word he says, and that can't be good. I just do not see him providing a deserving future for me.  I am a positive, but realistic person otherwise, and I feel like he is changing my life in ways I don't want it changed. I am going to my first support group meeting this Sunday, I'll see how that goes.  For some reason I feel like wearing dark sunglasses and a big hat when I go in there, even though I know he is the one with the problems.
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Avatar universal
I'd keep close tabs on the money and check and make sure he hasn't run up debt you are unaware of. I'd require he get help and stick to it. If you wish to, you could do some counselling with him maybe to learn how to be supportive without being codependant. Gambling is an addiction like any other and you are right, it IS about self control or lack of it.
Im not sure "nice, supportive" can do an addict any good without him being committed to stopping his addiction and making a commitment to treatment. I'd make getting help and sticking with it and NO GAMBLING a condition of my supportive.
I'd be very angry at him if I was you. It is so deceptive and it would make me have a hard time trusting him.

I hope he owns up to it and sticks with a treatment program.
If he is serious about stopping, he should be willing to be up front about every nickel he spends and where he spends it now.
Helpful - 1
Avatar universal
I just found out my husband was gambling by receiving a foreclosure notice.
He kept lying about the debt and eventually came clean when  there was nowhere else to hide. I hate that behavior.
He’s come to accept his problem, work to pay everything back, committed his life to the lord and committed to himself to change. Has Said that he would seek help or attend meetings, that has not happened yet, so I’m still waiting to see that. I don’t know, is it necessary for someone to attend meetings, are ppl with this addiction able to have enough will power?
I guess that’s all I can ask is his acknowledgment of this, and his willingness to change.
Helpful - 0
4 Comments
Who is depending on him, you alone or you and children? If you are about to lose your house, in your shoes I would not be very relaxed about waiting to see if he has changed. Addictions are very difficult to change, yes he should be going to meetings. See if you can find a Gamblers Anonymous type of group, and go with him to the meetings.
It’s just me, but I’m not dependent on anyone. I never have been. We are working with the bank right now and I have control over all of the finances. This is something that just developed over the past couple of years. Seems like it started out when we went to Vegas and little bets here and there and spiraled out of control.
He’s working to pay everything back and looking into going to a meeting. He had mentioned going to meetings together but I wasn’t sure about going together. As I want him and I to be able to share freely, idk how he would feel sharing in front of me.
I’d been to a meeting once for myself when dealing with my nephew who has a drug addiction, I went alone.
If the group you find is anything like Alcoholics Anonymous, they have separate meetings for significant family members or friends affected by the person's problem.
Yes, I think that is what these meeting are like. I am not opposed  to going together though.
Avatar universal

Have you checked out you & your husband's credit? I guess the first thing would be to find out if you are in debt because of his addiction. Unfortunately, from what I understand many times addicts are too afraid to tell their spouses about their debts.
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Avatar universal
Sailor's wife is right. Being supportive is great, but at what cost to you? Sometimes being supportive also leads to enabling and perpetuating the behavior. I have had experience with addicts in my life too...and the bottom line is that the addictive behavior will only stop if the person wants to stop. All the talking, pleading, supporting, even therapy will not change a thing unless the addict wants to make those changes. So at this point, you need to do what's best for you, especially if he's not willing to stop his addictive behavior. I hope all turns out okay for you.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
im sorry this has to be horrible. people that are addicted to anything from alcohol to gambling need help. unfortunatly it only works when and if they are ready. there are meetings for spouses of gamblers and maybe the other spouses could help you .
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