I think my boyfriend has a drinking problem

[kittykat444]

Hi there,

I'm concerned my boyfriend has a drinking problem.  Here is the situation:
Pretty much every time he drinks he has way too much to drink 14, 16, or 20 drinks at a time.  He blacks out and can't remember pieces of the night, and most of the time ends up sick.  He does this every time.  If this just happened once and a while I wouldn't be concerned.  He is 22 so I know he is still young and is still experimenting, but he said something tonight that really concerns me.  He said "I can't separate a good time and drinking."  It seems like for him he has to be drinking for him to think of it as a good time, and that's scary.  

Basically, I know he isn't that bad in comparison to other people, but I'm concerned because it seems to be getting worse.  I think, considering it is not as bad now that I can do something to help him and help him break his habit before it gets really bad....I just don't know what to do.  Every time I try to talk to him about it he gets defensive, and puts up a wall, like he doesn't want to hear me.  I tell him everything I should, that "I'm concerned for him because I love him so much, I'm concerned with his drinking because I want him to be safe and healthy."  I say it all.  I just don't know what to do.

Tonight he told me that he wants to go out for New Years, and he doesn't care if I come or not but that is what he is doing.  So, even if I stay home with my family (I normally do this and feeling like this is the thing I would like to do, I like being with my family on New years because they are the people that are going to be in the life that year and they are the people I love and care about, and I want him to be there because I love him very much) he will be out drinking.  I don't want to be the case, but he is dead set on it.  

I just need some guidance and support and help myself.  I don't know what to do.  

Katie

[IsaacNunoofio]

You must understand that your boyfriend will stop his habit only when he chooses to stop, and when he feels that the habit is destroying his life.
What you can do is to create an atmosphere which will make it easier for him to see that he is messing up his life and the relationship he has with you.
How can you do that? By continuing to love him and by reminding him often of the ways his habit has cost him in the past.
Furthermore, you may seek the help of the God of love, the Helper of the helpless who helps us to solve our problems when we don't know what to do.

[AnxiousNoMore]

Alcoholics rarely dry out unless they go to AA and even if they do the alcoholism urge never goes away so it is a day by day process the rest of their lives to avoid drinking. Unless he is interested in going to AA and accepts his problem on his own then he will not likely leave his bottle.

I recommend that you attend Al-Anon and discover the harsh facts that alcoholism creates that the victims often try to ignore because they hope the alcoholic will change. My mother devoted her life to that dream and nothing ever changed - you will hear that kind of story from just about everyone in an Al-Anon meeting.
The first step in AL-Anon is to recognize that you are powerless and that your life has become unmanageable.
https://al-anon.org/blog/what-is-the-first-step-in-al-anon/

[frankiemuniz01]

You cannot blame yourself. Don't even let yourself go there. He is a grown man and perfectly capable of making his own choices. We all are responsible for our choices we make in life, good or bad. Don't take this on yourself and don't let him blame you either.

[benjimom]

Yes, he does have an alcohol problem. I woudl not go out with him when he is liek that and set firm boundaries. Also, think about longterm too, living with an addiction is probably the hardest thing you can EVER go through.  It may come down to an ultimatum.

[babypooh]

Hi, Katie :D
Honey, there is nothing you can do to help your boyfriend. He has a problem and he's not ready to deal with it, which is why he gets defensive. It's got a firm hold on him and he's the only one that will decide to change if he so chooses to. I know it's painful. My husband is also an alcoholic, a recovering alcoholic and it wasn't until he accepted Jesus in his heart that he stopped drinking.
Your boyfriend seems to be very open about his preference to drinking and going out rather than being with you. Save yourself, be with your family and let him do what he wants to do. Don't let his drinking drag you down with him. All you can do is pray and not be a doormat to him. If he chooses to go out without you, you do what's right and he can reap what he sows later on. Love yourself enough to not go down with him. He's not ready to quit. He has to hit 'rock bottom" and who knows when that will be. He's having too much "fun" right now. Make it clear that you'll have nothing to do with him when he's behaving this way. If he cares enough about himself and realizes that he wants you in his life, he will get help. But unfortunately, we can't change them as much as we want to. You deserve better. Be strong.