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Avatar universal

Does it still go threw your mind

It has been 4 years,,im still with him,,He has changed completely,,he tells me he loves me every single day,,he says it was a wake up call for him,,Thing is i suffer in silence every single day like the first,, still till today,,i will be honest and say he also gave me a wake up call,, and i could never look at him the same way ever again,,there is not a single day that whent by that i did not have a thought of what he has done to are family and my self,,do i trust him,,Definatley ,,but in my heart i really dont care,,its not a trust issue for him to repeat it again,,its what he did and all the lies for months,,it makes me feel like a fool and shows no respect for my well being,,to me he laughfed and took advantage of my trust and took a chance to loose me ,,i lost are home and everything we ever worked for is gone all because of his disregard for himself and mine,,i not only struggle now i blame him for it,,but not to his face,,in my mind,,and every day i look around me its a reflection of what he has done,,I DO NOT THROW IT IN HIS FACE I ADMIT I USED TO ALL THE TIME AT THE BEGINING,,but i do not anymore ever,,i just keep it to my self,,and if im with him and i do see woman glance him,i dont say a word but it even doubles my daily thought,,Any one feel this way
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Avatar universal
I always felt infidelity ,,reflects a person  character,,and values,,Now this is just my feeling,,If a person truley loves you,They would not cheat?They would not want to hurt you or risk loseing you,,I believe just me again,,if a partner is willing to take the risk?then we really cannot be that important to them to do it,,,,,,,,,,,,,It takes allot of secret planning,,  and allot of lies allot,,,if your with your partner we all deserve better respect,,We all have the right to make choices,,are own choices,,When infidelity occurs ,,we have not been able to have a choice,,are partners sleep with the woman and us,,some useing no protection,,Are choice???no we had no choice ,,we were lied to and decieved,,no marriage or relationship is perfect,,no one is perfect,,But respect is something we should all give to one another,,selfish people make selfish Choices
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Avatar universal
I agree, lor.  I think "something" is amiss in the Person who has the affair, but, none the less, We blame OurSelves in some way:  "if I had done this.... if I hadn't done that..."  
We always think if We had been "better somehow", it wouldn't have happened.  And no amount of reassurance that it isn't so, comforts Us.  

We have two ways of thinking:  

Intellectually and Emotionally - and often they are at odds with one another.  I used to be very confused about how I could have TWO opposing thoughts at the same time - took me years to figure out that Intellect and Emotion CAN and often DOES conflict.

Happy ThanksGiving EveryOne
See You when it's over

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Avatar universal
Ya true,,but that is what i think about one partner who has an affair,,We have no clue also,,and we are completely lost also,,The people who have affairs are at some point not happy,,or complete in there relationship or for some other reason?so they do exactley that
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Avatar universal
I get what you're saying about having a hard time letting go.  Let me ask you this.... in a percentage, how much of your time do you spend thinking about it all?  

Also, about sticking together for other reasons.  I'm not going to knock anyone for whatever their reasons are, but I had some friends whose parents divorced when the youngest turned 18.  Blew the whole family out of the water.  The family thought all was well, even through all of the dysfunction regarding the parents.  They just kind of though that was what happened in a family.

My buddy adopted so much of his fathers dysfunction when he got married.  Treated his wife like she was under him, talked down to her.... after about 6 years and 2 kids, she filed on him.  He had no clue, and now I've heard that the guy is completely lost.

It's just sad when the "whole package" isn't all there and people try to wade through it.
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Avatar universal
I do not have depression/anxiety.,,lol Im great aside from these issues i have with my husband,,at first when it happened,,more so,,I guess infidelity really hurts every one in there own way,,and every one deals with it differently,,Every woman wonders ??why??at first,,and i was one,,Its just my opinion that even for some,,without infidelity in a marriage some people stay together for many reasons,,either children finances,,or ??and some who have to endure infidelity go threw there own thoughts and emotions ,,with some help expressing themself on there thoughts on this sight,,A lot of woman on here still suffer with either trust issues or different issues after infidelity,,and some do not,,some move forward and some have a harder time doing so,,Also i agree and appreciate you comments,,I do not want to give the wrong impression here,,I do treat my husband with kindness and i do not throw things in his face at all ,,i do not argue with him,,i complement him and thank him for the even smallest things he does ,,i do not have trust issues with him nor do i ever question him were he goes,,But at the same time life does go on for me,,and i guess after all i whent threw with the loss of my home and haveing to deal with the courts and his disrespect for me ,,is just something i have a hard time to let go,,thanks
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973741 tn?1342342773
I'm going to ask a question and am not sure how it will be received.  I'm wondering if Lor, if you have seen a doctor recently.  I wonder if you do suffer depression/anxiety.  

Part of the reason I ask that is that you have written many times here that your husband is a changed man.  He is loving and kind to you now. You are unable to move past what has happened to accept this.  What is holding you back?  Hurt, anger and pain.  But also, if we are depressed, we lose some of our ability to move past it.  

I also have a suggestion.  Your hopelessness and feeling of being trapped also concerns me.  You are not trapped. You have only one child at home and this is a teenager.  You could certainly do hair full time and improve your skills to make a decent living of your own.  You could train to do another job if you felt like something else would be better for you.  I always want to empower women to work on putting themselves in a position to care for themselves financially if need be.  I understand there is a burn of emotion regarding finances for you due to past events/crimes your husband committed but urge you to move past that think of the present and what you can do now instead.  

I do readily and hardily believe that we must take responsibility in our lives.  I think this is what mami was talking about-----------  if we choose to stay, we must work hard to make it work.  That is on us.  Whether our husband was a creep or not, choosing to stay brings responsibility to try to recover and move past the infidelity.  In that regard, I do think it is on Lor to make this effort.  We are but strangers here and hopefully---- even you will hope this for her--------  this is just the one place she vents these feelings.  If she is living her life this way, it would be no life for her, her kids or her husband.  She would be living a lie.

Mami gets the kudos of coming back after an affair to love her man again.  She's kept her family together.  And is sincere about it.  That is my wish for ANY woman that has chosen to stay with an adulterous husband.  

We all suffer hurt, anger and pain through infidelity.  Situations can be different but the pain is always the same.  People do recover.  I hope Lor can.  Peace to all.
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Avatar universal
Furthermore, things are different today.  You and everyone live in today, so take what is available and use it to your benefit.  Nobody's infidelity should be compared.  Situations varied, the aftermath varies too.  Everyone can strive for better, rather than dwelling.  And I think that the comparison, "yours was worse" is almost giving someone a license to dwell instead of compelling them to move beyond.

I am not saying I think the hurt should be gone, nor ignored.  I am saying that there is more to life than this, and if you still have a heart beat and brain waves, you can move a bit past this with time.  It does not need to be the precursor of all thoughts on all days.

I'm not going to tell anyone that the crap that happened to me in my younger years is worse than anyone elses.  I'm not them, they are not me.  Until that can happen, one cannot fairly judge which is worse or better, and even then there is no use.

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Avatar universal
Oh no, I'm not offended.  I am just trying to figure out the usefulness of comparing one's case to another.  I just feel that when you do that, you inadvertently demean anyone else whose been through the same thing.

Everyone here has had their lives and marriages devastated and or destroyed by infidelity.  By saying one is worse than another means that someone else situation should be somewhat better, and I just don't get that.

Not that I've heard a lot of stories about rape, and I am not comparing rape to infidelity, but I've never heard rape survivors comparing rapes.  Do people even do that?  Is one rape lesser than another, and would that make it easier to overcome?

It just seems to me that the intention of this thread is to help people over come this.  By constant comparison, I feel as if a few things are happening.  You are keeping the situation right at hand instead of allowing distance and healing or promoting distance and healing.  I think by comparing, you are saying "go ahead and feel miserable.  Yours was worse than anyone else and you are entitled to feel as bad as you want for as long as you want."  That just seems so counter productive on so many levels.

Comparisons aside, I was under the impression that this site was about helping, and comparisons aren't help.  I was sure that the site was about getting through, and comparisons do not get one through.  Comparisons keep everyone's infidelity in constant judging.  For the life of me, I'll never be able to get how that is helpful.
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Avatar universal
I sorta feel You also have misunderstand a little what I mean.  I do NOT feel, that infidelity "per se" is worse or harder for some than others.   I know that Infidelity hurts everyone the same way and in the same place.  What I have intended is that the "ramifications" can differ from situation to situation.  My situation was different in the sense that my husband cheated many times, with family and friends who I still have to relate to today,  Also, that I was only 17 with 2 babies and felt "helpless" for many years to change a situation of cheating and betrayal that never stopped - this is "different" than many - there were many more issues "besides" the infidelity that were also devastating, even abusive, and it lasted a very long time for me.  I did not have the support or the "tools" to work through these issues that is available to You all today.  I'm grateful that this exists for You and I'm HUGELY impressed of the work and the progress that You AND DeeDee AND Mami have made - but it was not the same for me.  Lor has/had many "extreme" issues to contend with BESIDES the infidelity also - MORE and OTHER losses.  Most of us here have not taken the financial hit, the loss of our homes, our car, etc.  These things are "extra" and are ALSO devastating and PROBABLY serve to feed the anger.  It's even MORE than the infidelity that one is having to try to work their way through.  I do not compare the grief that comes to ALL regarding the INFIDELITY - but the emotional hit that ALSO occurs when it continues and/or when You lose Major, Material things You have worked all Your Life for.  Please, understand that difference.  It gives one MORE things to work through and the anger is a normal, natural phase too and it needs to be validated, understood.   And, sometimes, people don't make it through that and when that does happen, that's okay too.  
When I understand or agree with Lor's "extra" losses, or when I speak of my "extra" losses, it by NO MEANS means that I don't think everyone else has not suffered the SAME grief that comes when one feels betrayed by infidelity.  For some it's not "only" the infidelity - it's OTHER losses as well that resulted from the infidelity(infidelitIES) -  and the losses are everyday present and everday on-going even if/when the infidelity stops.
  
I haven't meant to offend You, either.
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Avatar universal
I'm not ever going to say its funny that anyone would compare their case of infidelity being worse than another.  That in and of itself is ridiculous.  The difference in all relationships marrred by infidelity is that "we", ourselves are in those other cases.  

Anyone saying their case is worse than another is just a bad starting point.  Better than that, it does nothing to help one move past, through, over or around this.  It adds even more negativity to the most negative thing that can happen in a marriage.

All of you ladies have had marriages marred by infidelity.... every single one of you.  You are the same in that respect.  How can any differentiate the difference between cases of infidelity?  You are not any of the other women involved.  Regardless of what anyone says in this thread/board, you've got no real impression of what that other person is going through.  There are many similarities regarding infidelity.  But there are many differences.  Nobody gets an award for having the "most damaging" case of infidelity, so why compare?

Comparing is lessening other peoples grief, or is easily perceived as such.  I can tell you that what my wife has gone through and continues to go through is as bad as any here.  There is no lessening that.... there is no lessening anyones case, and there really should be any agrandizing anyones case either.  It breeds more negativity, it breeds more self doubt.  
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Avatar universal
Mami, I  am not jabbing You.  I wasn't speaking to You.  I've been on this thread ever so long now communicating with lor.  I've probably been on this thread 10 x's and the other thread She has going here probably just as many times.  My words have been directed to HER and HER situation, not to You. You are taking things I've said as a personal affront to You - not intended at all!!  I  have never said "Mami is weak because She decided to work through  Her relationship" - in fact I think it takes a strong Woman to stay as well!!  I've done both - I stayed for a very long time and then I left and, believe me - I know One has to be Very, Very strong either way!!  I'm simply telling Lor it doesn't mean She is weak if She can't accept it.  Shouldn't She feel strong too??  I have not been here to smash You - I have been here communicating with Lor.  I AM NOT throwing jabs at You - I AM SPEAKING TO LOR.  If You have read everything I have said here You will also see that I'm always glad for Those who are able to resolve this.  You will see that I've commented that I'm glad for Those who have mended their relationship and I mean that from the bottom of my Heart!!  BUT not Everyone can do that and those who CAN'T need affirmation for their position and feelings  as well.   Lor doesn't need to feel She has failed or is wrong if She can't achieve what You and others have achieved.  My words have been intended to confirm Her feelings - NOT to offend You.  I really feel that no one is wrong here - that Everyone is right - that Everyone has the right to feel whatever They feel.  YOU HAVE EXCELLENT ADVICE FOR PEOPLE!!  And I appreciate what You say and the way You express it.  I do feel my situation and Lors too differ from many here and THAT is what I've spoken to.  And even when a Marriage does not survive, the betrayed Person still has much healing to do and doesn't need to feel They are to blame if the Marriage fails after an infidelity.  It's truely not only Those who stay who need Healing and Comfort and Communication.  Lor doesn't need to feel that She is weak or that She has failed if Her marriage does not survive.  When I say to Lor that She's strong that doesn't mean I'm judging You or anyone else as weak - simply affirming  to Lor that She is entitled to feel what She feels.  I think You are entitled too, as well as each and every one here.   My support of Lor's feelings has NEVER been to "smash" or "condescend" You or AnyOne!!   You shouldn't be offended by anything I've said to Lor as it was meant to address Her personally and not meant as judgement on anyone who has chosen a different path.  I mean that, sincerely.
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145992 tn?1341345074
You know what Tink, every time I make a comment to Lor you seem to throw your jabs at what I say.  Then when I confront you, you say "oh no I did not mean it that way".  I'm done with this thread. Let's not forget I created this group to help people heal.  I've tried my hardest to give the best advice I can so that the victim of infidelity can find some peace of mind.  Whether it be stay or if they choose to leave.  Stop knocking women who stay and making it sound like they are weaker or tolerant of bad treatment because they have chose to make their family work.  That's completely unfair because in all honesty, a lot do choose to stay and your comments make them feel like they have bent over and taken it in the a$$.  Not everyone's relationship is over because of it and frankly I feel very empowered by my choices.  I didn't just play the victim here, I actually chose not to be a victim.  Just because he did what he did, I didn't sit and go oh woe is me, I decided if my choices were to stay I am going to be happy no matter what.  I took the power back and made myself happy.  WITH HIM!!!  If I wind up in the same situation with him again somewhere down the road, I still wouldn't regret giving my family a chance.  Yes, that's my situation and I'm not saying Lor's situation is like mine.  I'm not comparing anyone's situation to anyone because we all have our individual experiences.  But I've tried my hardest to give advice so that Lor is happy.  Each and every turn I get smashed down by your condescending remarks.  So you're free to go back and forth with eachother.  I'm finished here.
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Avatar universal
It's like it's on You now, lor, to conform to the sh!t that has been handed down to You without Your consent, let alone, Your permission!!  You don't have to like it but You d@mn well ought to find a way to go with it!!  (Sarcasm intended!!)
It's like NOW it's on YOU whether the Marriage survives or not!! (Sarcasm intended, again!!)  Like, as if the Marriage fails NOW, it's gonna  be cuz You didn't find a way to deal with it - NOT because Your Husband cheated!!  The cheat is no longer important here - it now comes down to whether You take it or don't!!  (more sarcasm)  (You're "expected" to treasure this marriage more than He did!!)

You know what?  I can't help but notice that We walk away from Other People who cause us pain - but not if it's our Husband!!??  - because He's the Husband He's "entitled" to cause Us this kind of pain?? (sarcasm).  The ONE person we ought to trust to TREASURE us, not HURT us!!  Others (other woman) who have NO obligation to us are to be hated, to be ostrasized, - let's blame THEM - let's direct MOST of Our hate and blame to HER??  What the H*ll kind of sense does THAT make??!!  Answer:  not very much!!  SHE - that Other Woman had NO obligation to US - BUT!!  We thought, we really thought, that HE did!!  Why??  Are we SO ready to be SO angry at her but willing to let Him off the hook??  Answer:  It's what one does to "tolerate" to "save" the relationship that HE did not TREASURE the same way You do!!

(if we are going to let Him off the hook we really shouldn't be SO mad at her! ! - She WAS NOT obligated to Us - HE was!!)  I have a poor opinion also of women who cheat with married men BUT, SHE is NOT worse than HE!!  One is gonna hate her forever but "forgive" him!!??  I SIMPLY DO NOT GET THAT!!  IF YOU'RE NOT GONNA BE MAD AT HIM ANYMORE YOU SHOULDN'T BE MAD AT HER ANYMORE EITHER!!  IF YOU CAN "LET IT GO" WITH HIM, HOW COME YOU CAN'T LET IT GO WITH HER??  I am so sincere, here - I really, REALLY, don't get that!!

I'm afraid many of us think having a bad relationship is better than being alone. And if He cheats on You it IS a bad relationship in the sense that it is NOT what You thought it was.  I say:  If He HURTS You He PROBABLY isn't good for You.

All that being said - Kudos to those who "get there" - Kudos to those who keep the relationship BUT it's okay, it's REALLY, REALLY!! okay if some are not able to reason and excuse what has been done.  It IS INexcusable, it IS UNreasonable and it's okay, lor, if You can't put this "aside".  It isn't YOUR character that is at issue here - it's the realization of HIS character that is giving You such difficulty.  

If You cannot do that lor, I want to go down as saying - it does not mean You are weaker - in fact, it just might mean You are Stronger - Strong enough not to accept the silly a$$ "excuses", "reasons", that get handed out in times such as these.  You don't have to compromise Your Ideals and Expectations - not if You don't Want to - not if You are Unable to do so.

It's okay, lor, it's REALLY, REALLY okay if You cannot go there!!  

BUT if You do, I'm still in Your Corner!!
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145992 tn?1341345074
This makes me so sad Lor.  It seems like you are completely indifferent to him.  I bet he really does regret what he did and I do believe him when he says these things to you.  It must be painful for the both of you.  He wants his wife back, he knows he screwed up and is taking the punches, and you are still feeling the pain from what he did and can't enjoy the love he's trying to give you now.  At any point do you think you could possibly open yourself up to loving him again?  Not just for him but for yourself as well.  I mean how great would it feel to enjoy your life with him again?  I just can't imagine being so numb.  I feel like it would hurt me just as much.  
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Avatar universal
Thanks,,and i do hair part time,,,and do allot of activities with my daughter and grandchildren,,,he works and we are not together all the time,,Funny thing is he calls me and says i miss you i love you,,I say i gotta go,,he looks forward to come home ,,i do not,,but it helps ,,two incomes is better than a single persons income,,in reality...i always tell him Never stay with me ever ,,if your not happy,,he said,,i love you and i will spend the rest of my life makeing it up to you,,I told him i have never made promices to you and you no how i feel,,,its really complicated  
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Avatar universal
Again, thanks for the nice words lor.  What I am trying to get at with the "deeper peace" thing is... perhaps you are just hurt rather than mad.  But either way, having it constantly at the forefront of every day has to be murderous.

In my opinion, all of the emotions revolving around this are interchangeable.  Complete opposites tie into another emotion.  You say you're hurt, but that hurt causes you pain... and rightfully so.  (It is so evident in all that you write.)  You're not fine, because you're hurt.  You're not "happy" or "sad", but do seem to lie somewhere in the middle.  And it is that spot that is the loneliest......

The relationship with your husband is, as is.  I'd really like to see you snatch on to something outside of the home... a killer hobby, something fun that you and your child enjoy, a book club, knitting.... hell, I don't know.  I just really feel that at this juncture, it would be far from out of line to consider you and your daughter first, and do it for a long damned time, too.  There has to be something out there that piques your interest.  I'd say immerse yourself fully into it.  It can be low cost or no cost, just something away from him for an hour or two a day.... just you or you and your daughter doing anything. (Hell, putting sandwiches together at a homeless shelter might be a thing to consider... I don't know.)

I am not saying this to make it seem that you aren't trying to do this... not even close.  Perhaps I am urging you to pursue any idea or notion that comes down the line, but do it for you!  

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Avatar universal
I Do not believe i am angry,,i feel more hurt than anything,,i am always glad when a couple can move forward after infidelity,,its unfortunate when some cannot ,,i appreciate your advise also,,and happy you and your wife are moveing forward,,i jst think in some cases its harder to get there than others
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Avatar universal
Thanks for replying and also not taking what I asked/said the wrong way.  I do believe that your circumstance is truly different from most.  Trying to grasp the idea that your husband did indeed "lose" everything because of this is really hard to hear, and I am real sure it is real hard to deal with.  

I think you are riding on a weird, think, wavy line with handling this.  I do understand those emotions.  On a different level, I used to be able to hold on to grudges like nobody else.  I had a photographic memory of everyone who did me any harm (and sometimes no real harm was done, but I used to take everything as a personal attack) and all of the circumstances revolving around anything/anyone who pissed me off.  After I committed adultery, so many things came clear to me.  First and foremost were all of MY problems that I did not ever address, and holding grudges was at the top of the list.

I went and saw a psychic.  (Actually she calls herself an "intuitive".  I never believed in this stuff, but along with all of the therapy I was going to go through to address my issues, I thought 1 more insight might be of value.)  This woman did a "reading" and I was amazed.... she nailed so many things right on.  She wasn't speaking in random, blanket statements, like..."someone in your family had blue eyes", but was nailing down specifics.  Exact facts.... it amazed me.

She knew of the infidelity because my wife had gone, but she knew nothing of me personally.  She explained what she did and how she went about it, and the reading began.  The first thing she told me was, "You hold a lot of grudges.... you are also very hard on yourself."  She went on to say that "you're grudges help breed more discontent for yourself."  She went on and basically pointed out the 2 major grudges I was holding at the time, and more or less named everyone I was holding accountable for them.... it was too real and too weird.

She leaned forward, put a hand on my knee and grabbed my left hand in her right hand.  She said, "you don't know how to let go of grudges, but I am going to help you get rid of all grudges."  She did some weird witchcraft thing (that I never would have believed in a million years) and said, "it's time to let go of those grudges".  She instructed me to take a deep breath, think about the grudges, exhale, and those grudges would go away.  I did as instructed, and I could literally feel those grudges leave my body... like a ton of weight being removed from my chest.  She also told me that I had to forgive the 2 major people involved, which was effortless at that point.

I said all of that to get to this.  Sorry it took all of that to get here.  I've not forgotten what happened and how it "screwed me over".  I can't forget it.  But I all of a sudden saw it all in a different light.  I saw the selfishness on the other peoples behalf and realized that I had very, very little control over what happened.  No control in fact, other than control over myself and how I thought of it.

I'll still hold those accountable, but I no longer have to do it with anger.  I no longer even have the need to voice my opinion regarding the situation.  I got past that with the "voodoo lady", as I call her.  I think you can get there too.  I think there is a protective mechanism that is keeping this closer to the front of your brain/memory than the back of it.  (It's a primal instinct, is what I learned in therapy sessions)

Do you have hobbies or things you like to do?  Maybe you can immerse yourself in those things, or start something new.  I do think this forum is a great place for venting and getting crap off of your mind, and I cannot tell you how valuable this site has been for my wife and myself.

I wish you deeper peace.  I know you can get there, and I know you don't necessarily want this to run your life.  It will always be a part, but it can play a smaller part.
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Avatar universal
Yes i agree,,problem was i thought i had the means to leave,,but when the affair was discovered,,that was all gone ,,basicaly stay in the house and survive till they came and took it all,,then my husband rented us a place that was nothing like home nothing ,,i was shocked that after working so hard that the man i spent many years with could do this,,i worked just as hard for are things as he did,,if he wanted to go be with her we could of seperated and put the house up for sale,,i would of happily split it all half and half,,so it all whent together ,,and im glad you have this value of thinking for your daughter,,you are a great mom
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Avatar universal
Its not taken taken the wrong way,at all,,I think everyone who goes threw infidelity i dont believe truly forgives,,if they did ,,the subject would be a closed forever,and would never be brought up again,,sure you will never ever forget,,but trust issues i feel  some its there ,i feel in some form i have forgiven in the fact that i do not bring the subject up to him ,,i do not have trust issues with him and i moved on in that sence,,but i still am deeply hurt inside,,and i guess thats the not forgetting part,,i treat my husband with respect even after everything,,im the same person to him i was befor Only i have changed the way i look at him feel about him,,And ya everything he has done to our family,I dont want to ever treat someone the way he treat me,,i believe throwing it or brining the subject up would be a waste of time and the answers i might need or resolve would not be accomplished,,maybe thats why i suffer in silence cause i deal with this myself,,But i do no alot of men and woman cheat,,but i think when you get harrassed and go bancruft far exceeds this affair,,thanks
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Avatar universal
I want so much to comment on this thread, but I know it will be taken the wrong way.  It usually does because of all of the emotions involved with this ultra sensitive subject.

What I cannot wrap my head around is the fact of staying in something that "hurts" so much.  To me, and just me.... and I know I cannot put logic into the illogical aspects of the subject.... it seems to counterproductive to stay in something that hurts so much.

I've heard both men and women who've been cheated on tell of how much pain they constantly go through because of this, and that they do not have the ability to forgive, but yet they allow the person who caused them so much pain be right there in front of them for years to come.... sometimes forever.  Personally, that would be like reliving the affair every single day.  (Although the affair is over, not being able to forgive allows this person/reason to be right there on a constant basis.)

I really really fell the pain especially regarding lor663.  I believe I saw above that you wanted a separation, but he would not comply.  At this point, why does his concerns regarding a separation even matter?  We are talking about your mental health and sanity, not his.  Respectfully.... to me it seems as if you are both on completely different wave lengths at all times.  It seems as if you are putting his concerns ahead of yours, in lieu of your health and sanity.

Granted, a separation or divorce will not make the pain go away, but it sure as hell won't go away with the constant reminder standing in front of you every day.  Not being able to acknowledge change is standing in the way of progress, and it can be because you are too hurt.  And if that is the case, why stay in the marriage?

There is so much help out there.... so, so, much help.  I know you can find yourself again, but not if you constantly have that reminder in front of you.  I think you need to realize that you do have a choice in this matter right now!  You can stay and work on it, but only if you want to.  Doing that takes a giant amount of work on your behalf as well.  And no, it isn't fair... you didn't ask for this, but if you stay you are asking to stay.

I wish I could offer something, just anything to make this make sense.  For me, anything that has been a constant reminder of hurt is something that I tried to get away from.  I think it is that distance that allows us to heal sometimes.  Not heal as in coming back into the marriage, if that is not your desire... but to heal as to find yourself again and move on.  The affair will always be there on some level, but there is a getting past it.  Perhaps it will take removing the constant reminder, your husband from being in your face all of the time.

I wish you peace, and I hope to gain a better understanding of why you stay through your misery.  That cannot be a healthier alternative than moving on at this point.  
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Avatar universal
I wasn't concerned that You would bring emotional harm to Your Children regarding his affair - Your husband gets credit for that since Your Children learned of his indescretion in such a horrible way.  I simply wondered if You still had Children at Home.  The only thing I would worry about Your 15 year old Daughter is I would hope She isn't learning what a Woman should "expect" or "accept" in a Marriage if She found HerSelf to be unhappy in Her own Marriage.

My goal for my Daughter was that She have a Career so that if Her Marriage did go bad She would have more choices than I did.  Today, She is a Nurse and Her salary is 3x's that of Her Husband.  If Her Marriage failed She has the means to leave if She were to feel a need to do so.  She has the means to support Her 3 Daughters.  Truth is She's not real  happy in Her marriage BUT She doesn't feel "trapped" and that's good enough for me!  AND I'm grateful that Their issues are not about unfaithfulness!!)
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Avatar universal
Yes i have a 15 year old daughter,and she is in grade 10,,but i never argue or discuss anything in front of her ever,,
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Avatar universal
lor, do You have Children left at home?
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