Is it bipolar or emotional abuse please help

[mamoosha]

I have been together with a man with 2 sides.  One...he is loving, sensitive, kind, emotional, thoughtful...you get the point THEN out of nowhere he can flip out at me and his 16 year old son for the smallest things, we aren't even sure what they may be.  He gets in my face, screams so load (to intimidate me) calls me names, brings up sensitive topics from the past, makes up reasons why I led him to behave this way and that I deserve it. Says I drive him to flip out at me. All I have to do is say a wrong word to him and he won't like my tone for that moment and another round of assault on my character will start.... I will be perfectly honest here...I really don't know what I do to set him off.  I don't believe that I'm an angel but I don't know what I do wrong.  When he comes home from work with a sore back, I say lay down on the couch, I give him this heating pad on his back, give him a robax to help the pain go away, sometimes massage the area.  I have the house spotless, food ready for 6pm...he eats, goes back on the couch and falls asleep (on a good day)..when he has his "mood days" he's so evil and degrading that I can't wrap my brain around what I did to trigger this attack.  He has never hit me but I'm sure he would love to.  He keeps on throwing in my face that this is his house, I provide you a roof and all I do is complain....I have nothing to complain about...I get spousal support from my ex husband of 18 years (who was a cheater)....I pay his cable, internet, telephone, utilities for "his" house, groceries and I am out to get his house...anyways my question is how can he go ballistic on me...leave me in shock and tears and then come to bed to cuddle as if nothing has happened.  I'm still in shock from the episode of his attack on me and he's all lovey dovey...no sex wanted just cuddles...WOW... Like I need to get over it and hug him? I'm still crying and in shock from how he treated me and he wants hugs....  I have recordings of the hours and hours that he spends screaming at me to prove to anyone who will listen that I didn't start it and I try to calm him but that it never works. I started recording his "flip outs" because he calls his older siblings and says a complete lie about what happened and how I torture him and how he's so abused by me..My only proof to anyone who will listen is those recording of him abusing me. So again, please someone tell me how does a man, after screaming at a women for hours, starts whistling and acting like nothing ever happened and wants hugs??
Please can I get some help as to who to turn to...
or, do I go back to my family in another province and try to get back on my feet again, whom I left all to move away from and be with him with not one friend here to turn to.
I still love him... but I don't want the rest of my life worrying when will he actually lose it and beat me up
last thing... his mother was either bipolar or some sort of mental illness who beat up his father, my guy and all siblings His one sister has lost it mentally (won't get help) and his youngest brother has every mental illness that could be created and on tons of meds.
What do I do??? I'm 47, I want to have a normal happy peaceful life
sorry it's so long but I couldn't keep this short
p.s. I should of gone with my gut, at the very beginning, when I felt that he has some anger issues...I don't mean to offend anyone ok?

[enaid123]

You are with an abuser and your duty to yourself calls for you to leave him ASAP.  It’s hard to do but a great many of us abused women have done it - have made the split successfully.  The abandoned abuser will cling on with phone calls, begging and causing you to feel bad for him but your fear of him will keep you safe and never, ever give out your new address or location.  

[specialmom]

Thanks for this meaningful advice to the poster!  Were you abused enaid123?  

[enaid123]

A bit by my father but not as bad as some.  Then I was in an abusive marriage followed by a 10 year stay in a bad neighborhood that left me filled with rage and hatred .  My brother has cut me off and even though I can see it as justified in a way, it also feels like overkill on his part and abusive to boot.

[AnglizS]

You have decribed my relationship with my bipolar husband perfectly. I too record him because he lies (although I think he believes himself) as well about what happened.  Even my kids have seen it and know.  I have never felt so ugly, worthless and fat in all my life and I'm a successful woman who makes far more than him, owns homes, manages, 41 years old and people think I'm in my late 20s or early 30s at 152 pounds that works out 3-4 days a week.  Ya, I feel you.  I want to leave but then the other side of him comes out and I think we can make it work because he is the best man ever during those times. Friends are sick of hearing it and just want me to leave.  If only that easy.

[persephonedemeter]

Abuse is abuse and there is no way around it, and no excuse for it. There are people out there who had neglected childhoods, but they are not abusive in anyway. Your husband isn't going to change, when there is no reason for him to change. I wouldn't even wait to be financial stable to get out of place where I am constantly fearful for myself and, especially, if I had a teenage daughter or children. He sounds classic for domestic abuse. If it is causing you ill health where you and your daughter have to be treated  for anxiety, it's time to leave. It is never easy, but at least, you will be alive, unharmed, and not living in constant fear.

However, leaving does not mean you are out of danger. When these guys get angry or feel threatened they can take it to a whole new level, and not even a restraining order can stop them. I will message you on your My Medhelp page on how to leave. It will also give you insight on how to get support.  A lot of women and children leave with no secure finances and sometimes, just the shirts on their backs. it's a lot better leaving with nothing than being dead or disabled and regretting that you wish you left sooner. When people who verbally abuse like that and feel they have the upper hand and the last word on everything, it doesn't take too much of leap to cross over the line and cause physical harm. Then, they say something like, " See what you made me do!" and usually it doesn't stop there. It definitely goes in cycles. When you step out the door, don't even let you and your daughter look back. Not even when he says he will change.

[metha2014]

First I will start with me I am a south Asian women had a typical arranged marriage though I had some control over it as I had given an advertisement in the newspaper etc. But rest is typical family talks and arranges and I came to US in the beginning it seemed o.k. then I started noticing my husband was very controlling though at that time I did not realize it. if he liked something I have to say I liked it too, if he had an opinion about an actor I had to have the same or he would get very angry and about everything else too so I started not voicing my opinion at all and kept quiet I have earned three masters and one in US so I am fairly educated though don't have a job and raising two kids. But he always seems to be very verbally abusive and then slowly now that I don't talk to him he started turning all the attention to my teen daughter and constantly finds fault with her (even though people say she is a good kid) and if I interfere it becomes worse so I just keep quiet but even my daughter notices he is verbally abusive and always makes fun of us. He does not have a single friend and works from home and does not even try to go out and meet people. I have some friends but he is constantly passing judgment on them and if I say something he says well I am more supportive of my friend than him (my husband). I have feeling he tries to keep us away from any support system.
Both me and my daughter have been diagnosed with anxiety and I am not sure its worth it to stay until I am financially stable. I tried to excuse my husband's behavior to childhood neglect or just work stress but it is too much for us and I can not watch my daughter have severe psychological problems later on in life.
I emailed a attorney but yet to go and see him and I am constantly fearful.

[Crystal413]

I'm glad you were able to write down you feelings and thoughts. Just a
thought I had, I know you signed a contract but is it possible to ask a lawyer about this and tell him the circumstances. Maybe he/she could find a way out if this is what you want. If this doesn't work out, you could sell the house before or after it is built. You will then legally get your money out of it, based on the market, unless of course he refuses to sell. I don't know if he can afford this without you so he may not have a choice unless it goes to foreclosure. Just some thoughts.

The other thing is, your sanity and safety are more important than money. Same for your kids, they shouldn't have to live in this type of environment. It could have such an effect on them that down the road they become unstable and are not even able to go to college. You and your kids environment is very important. People turn out all sorts of ways based on their environment, adults and kids.

I know this is a great deal of money and you have some choices to make.
You may not qualify for a mortgage and many don't, but you can rent something you can afford and allow you and your kids to live happy lives. Even move in with family for a while until you get back on your feet.

Just remember who and what are important here. The 55,000 will not give you and your kids happiness. Thinking of you, Crystal

[mamoosha]

This evening I just put some thoughts together...this is how I feel
I feel lonely
I feel unprotected,
I'm not happy
I feel used...emotionally and financially
I feel like a door mat
I don`t know how to smile
I don`t feel part of his family
We are not intimate...he says he needs an emotional connect to be intimate
I am fit and pretty, not unattractive (told beautiful by others) k, hot mama!!
I have a big heart and love to help others
He won`t help others as no one helped him get to where he is so why should he help others
He never wants to hear other opinions as his opinion is the one that matters...
The more I read other comments the more I think I need to go back home 4000 kilometers away.
ONE BIG PROBLEM.... I put $55,000 (yep fifty five thousand) dollars of my life savings to buy a home together, which hasn't even been started....(builder said no refunds, already tried that step) so I can`t get out of the deal, both names are on the contract...
I have this terrible feeling that when July comes and its time to move in, he won`t sell his place to help pay down some of the house and I will lose all of my 3 children's future college money as I can`t qualify for a mortgage with my spousal support alone.
Thanks for letting me talk here as I have no friends in this province and no one to go out with to vent....

[artemesia2]

It seems like you made an honest inventory of your positive and negative points and his too.  He seems really ugly in his personality, character.    Plus utterly self centered ie he never wants to hear other opinions.     Did you contact a lawyer about the builder not giving a refund?    OTOH  tbh not fully knowing your situation with the home I'm limited what I can suggest.   I feel sorry for you.  Ir sounds like a strongly untenable situation.    Only suggestion is to see if a lawyer can help you.  Good luck.  Hugs.

[specialmom]

well said. appreciate this.

[schizofriendia]

Abusers carefully select who and when to lash out at their victims.  They also do hurtful things and make you think its your fault or at least try to.

[Anonymouse88]

Hang in there.  Remember that you always have someone here to support you, and help in any way that we can.

[mamoosha]

Thank you soo very much for all your advice and support.  Honestly, I didn`t even know any sites like this exist.  You all have given me a place to start.  
I appreciate it with all my heart.

[Anonymouse88]

This sounds like abuse to me.  Being nasty, acting charming, and then being nasty again is the classic cycle of abuse.  You should check out http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm#signs, and see if you think the description fits what's happening to you.  From the outside looking in, it looks like you are being abused.  There are links on that site for help, including getting out of the relationship.  The top of the page has hotlines for the US, Canada, Australia, and an international list.  

This is not your fault.  You are not responsible for his actions.  Him having had a rough childhood is not an excuse to abuse you, nor is having mental illness in the family.  Remember that even if you aren't perfect and do something that might annoy someone, you don't deserve abuse for it.  (see http://pervocracy.tumblr.com/post/39768083584/one-more-point-about-abuse for someone's personal take on that point)  He sounds like he does need help, but your life, happiness, and safety come first.  

[Crystal413]

It's likely he knows something is wrong with him. The happy kind moods then the real blow up moods. It would help him go to a Therapist that specializes in mood disorders and anger issues. Since you don't have a diagnosis for him, I think this would be the first step. He really needs help, this is his problem. I would try this first and see if he's willing. Talk to him when he's in a nice mood and word it so he doesn't get defensive. I wouldn't approach it by saying "something is wrong with you" as he will likely to get defensive and close his mind off. Once in therapy, maybe then he would be willing to go to a psychiatrist to get a diagnosis.

If you don't think that will work, then try as a couple, same type of Therapist. A marriage counselor may not be skilled in the areas at hand.

If this doesn't work then I would strongly suggest that you go to therapy for yourself. Same kind of therapist as you will likely be talking about him and yourself. I think this type of therapist will be able to help the best considering the issues. This will not only help you but perhaps give you some insight on what's going on and help you to deal with this and maybe make some decisions on what to do with your life.

You need to protect yourself, like you said he hasn't hit you yet. Don't wait until it happens, if it happens. I know you are afraid and I would be too. This is a awful way to live. You don't need to live in fear. This verbal abuse is not only scary but torture for you.

I hope he is willing to get help and I hope you get help as well for your own safety and sanity.

Remind yourself, this is not your fault, you are not to blame. This behavior is coming from him, he is out of control and that he has a serious problem. Being nice sometimes doesn't make up for all of the horrible bad blow ups. Stay in touch and let us know how you are doing. Take care of yourself, Crystal

[mamoosha]

His son has a mother but she's a crack head all of her life and isn't willing to get any help. He has raised his son since he was 1 year old.. He is not my biological son so I really have no say.  Like today my guy is as charming as ever...wants to be all happy like there was nothing that ever happened.  Today I woke up with such a knot in my back that I literally didn't or cant get out of bed.  Today he's trying to cater to all my needs, made dinner, brought me flowers to make me feel better, so I know that there is a good man inside somewhere....
Until the next time that something pisses him off....
This is what I'm struggling with.....he could be such a sweet and sensitive man, like I wrote in my first paragraph, but also can get in a bad mood just as fast...and then be as sweet as pie 5 minutes later.
If I go to a therapist, just try to see if there is any hope for some normalcy  What kind of therapist do I look for and how do I approach this without saying it wrong to offend him....I'd like to go together so I can understand what the heck is wrong with him,
what do you guys think?

[Crystal413]

I agree with Chuck. This is not a healthy environment for you or his son. This is very bad emotional abuse. I am so sorry you have been living this way. It doesn't even sound like he would be willing to get help. You need to save yourself. I feel so bad for his son too. Take care of yourself, Crystal

[chucksboy]

Hi there i feel your pain my advice would be get the hell out of there regardless of the reason..some people are just controlling abusive ***** that has nothing to do with bipolar although some people with bp may act that way as i pointed out whatever the reason,keep a grip on your self respect dont be scared to move on love yourself and be happy.all the best.