I have stopped caring about everything and everyone

[Pine_Tree]

Hi, I'm 21 and for almost 7 years I lived in depression. I've never been able to talk to anyone, I've never had a single friend not even an acquaintance, when I see a group of friends or a couple together I tell myself that's something I'll never have. I have lived in a shadow everyday of my life. I don't care about myself, I shower twice a month, I brush my teeth once a month, I have knee pain that comes and go because all I do is sit around all day, I hardly go outside and the only person I see every day is my mother. Also a couple of months ago I started feeling a slight pain in my heart, and still I don't care. I've try to commit suicide around 3 times but I'm too much of a coward.

Whenever I try new things I give up before a week, I've tried writing, running, drawing, programming, painting, working out, but I don't see any interest in it. The only reason I get out of bed each morning is to continue downloading a new episode of whatver series I'm watching, a movie or a new video game.

Which brings me to another point, whenever I play video game I'm not playing it for the fun or for the story. I play it to escape my life into a better virtual one, I sit playing a game for hours while I'm starving myself and feeling dehydrated, which I know is sad, that's what I do because it's the only way I can feel happier.

Four years ago I left school because I was never learning anything, and since the teachers knew I suffered from a huge lack of attention and concentration they didn't bother to help me not once, so basicly all I did when I went to school was sit around looking out the window watching birds build their nests. So one morning I rolled over and said to myself, "Screw it, I'm not going to school today" and what started out to be one day ended up for four years, so here I am, the only thing I know how to do is write and read.

So I guess you can't judge me for wanting to commit suicide, because at the end of the day... Do I even have a future? It feels like I'm already at the finally destination of my life.

[Bfbsince03]

I wish I could help, but I have social anxiety and apathy, so the best I can offer you is empathy. I'm sorry, and I wish you the best. Sometimes talking to people that I already know like a family member can help. Very few people seem to actually reach out to meet people like us who have some issues, but it seems that you still care about video games. At least you have proven that you can be happy. It can be difficult to get yourself into these circumstances, but there's light at the end of the tunnel.

[TheOne88]

Hi Pine_Tree,

We all understand what you are going through, but SUICIDE IS NEVER THE ANSWER TO A TEMPORARY PROBLEM. I am sure you have had a time when everything was great and life was good. You can have that again and more often than you think. Trust me I have been there and got past it.

I was raise by an physically abusive father (I wasnt living with my mum and didnt see her for 6 years) and my depression started in my early teens. I found out that it was chronic depression when I was about 19 at university. I found out so late because I had never been educated on the issue before and as you can understand, it was a complete shock to me.

At that point, it was at its peak. I even started having panic attacks and a lot of stress. Everything went down hill. It even more difficult as a student because my father didnt support me financially and I have to work many jobs and i took part in many activities while in full time university education. It was a horrible time and the worse in my life. Due to working more than studying and not being able to concentrate, I didnt do as well as I had hoped to do in my degree.

However, 2 years on after graduation(am 24 now). I am in a much better position and I am much happier than I have ever been. I have been through a lot in my life (lived at about 20 different places by the age of 23, brother got shot, felt broke all my life, barely saw my parents growing up, physically and emotionally abused growing up, was depressed for 10 years and had major anxiety issues, really high blood pressure and constant stress and worry, never been on a holiday or had nice things and many more), I am proud enough to say I have a degree and now a good job. I have now started my own business also and things are looking up my man. And anyone can do it too my friend. DO NOT LOSE HOPE.

I know it can be difficult but you just need to find something your passionate about. Seek help from people that care about you. I tried a lot of things year on year and everything has been better than the last. I listened to self help audiobook ( not physical book because I couldnt concentrate on physical books). Spiritual books are great depending on what your into. They help you find your self. Exercise didnt help at the beginning but helps at a later stage. I tried meditation which was fantastics (I recommend TM, if you can afford it). I did breathing exercises. I was also precribed anti depressants, which gave me time to help me recover. Its not a cure. The important thing for me was finding myself and my purpose. That is irreplaceable. I hope this helps a bit.

[hopefulforfuture]

At the age of 17 years (when i was a teenager ) i felt life was not worth living .  Thinking back after 20 years i have my bad moments (i  have chronic depression ) but some good moments too  ..
It all depends on whether we get treatment . Are you under psychotherapy or medication ?  
And keep interacting , posting ,reading etc also and see the videos . YOU ARE NOT ALONE .  I know its hard at your age BUT YOU WILL GET BETTER .  Again are u in therapy or medication ?  
Prayers and regards
I promise you over the years you will get at least one or two friends .. i was also very lonely at ur age  ..