Aa
appropriate father daughter boundaries
i am dating a man who has a 13 yr old daughter. he has always been close with her as the mother was emotionally absent. i am the first person he has had a relationship with that he introduced to his daughter. i am concerned because while she seems to like me and we get along. I feel as though she trys to compete for his attention. she through a fit wen she found out he was dating. and would call me HER like a jeolous gf. when i am there she will climb all over him while we are sitting together. she straddles him and lays across him. she even jumped in our bed one time while i was getting ready for bed. she also will call him at crazy hours and tell him she has innappropriate thoughts....like having sex with him... she says things that are shocking. when she doesnt get her way she acts out. he gives her plenty of attention and spends time with his daughter....my concern is the mother i believe had innapropriate relationship with her father and the pattern seems to be the same with his daughter. he has tried to set boundaries but is afraid she will resent me.. she is physically mature and he has explained this to her on several ocassions. She has a therapist but he has not brought this up to the therapist. i am concerned that as she gets older she will use her sexuality to gain a boys attention. she even dresses like me. she gets angry on the rare occasion that he and i go out on a date and will call and text him non stop when we r together. what gives? he has told me this makes him uncomfortable but when she doesnt get her way she guilts him
This girl has no idea about boundaries or doesn't care....appears as if dad is an enabler......he sure does not sound as if he is stopping it....but more so, how did he allow it to get this far? _____ Off the subject, (but since reading so much of this crud here) but my eldest step daughter was 12 when her dad and I met. (also an 11 year old stepdaughter, her sister). The 12 year old and I hit it off GREAT, and were closer than her and her dad. The younger one was the daddy's girl, though respectful was not thrilled with me, but all was fine despite that, but never anything odd like this.
I have read all the above comments.
This 13 year old child clearly has some disturbing issues. Daughters always bond closer to their father than the mother. Boys to their mothers.
The 13 year old is desperately clinging to her father for fear of losing him. It has been a very traumatic experience for her when the parents split up.
I remember you mentioning that the father is afraid to cuddle his daughter at bed time and says good night at the door. He needs to be very firm with her should she make inappropriate advances at him.
He still needs to tell her that he loves her, it is not her fault that the marriage broke down and that he will always love her. He needs to be blunt and tell her that there are rules in the house that she needs to stick to and he also needs to tell her that although he loves you and wants to spend his life with you, that she is to understand that that does not change his love for her. If she brings up the sexual acts, then he needs to tell her straight that this is inappropriate and daddies and daughters do NOT do these things.
When she starts to straddle on him, I feel he needs to be firm and say he doesn't like it and she is not to do it. But to reassure her that he still loves her because she is his baby and no matter how old she will be, she will always be his baby.
He also needs to tell her that she is not going to get between him and you, but that does not affect the fact that she is his baby and that it is wrong to talk and think about sexual acts with him.
The teenage years are the worst for parents and the children. She needs a firm hand and not ***** footing around. She will continue doing what she is doing until her father takes a firm stand. If he does not, she will forever be trying to makes things hard for you and your boyfriend.
Children do this in a normal relationship by playing the mother against the father. If she sees that her father and you are standing together and are strong and nothing she does will separate you, and you keep reassuring her that you both care for her, she will eventually get the message into her brain and settle down.
If there is any incest going on at her mother's house and the grandfather is touching her in a way that he shouldn't, perhaps your boyfriend can ask her questions about this to find out the truth.
Be aware that at this age girls can be very manipulative, so both you and your boyfriend need to be on your guard, but firm.
If there are underlying issues then I do agree that the father should be honest with the counsellor. It is only when the root cause is exposed that the counsellor may be in a position to help the child process what has happened and help her to deal with it.
Best wishes
Good luck
This 13 year old child clearly has some disturbing issues. Daughters always bond closer to their father than the mother. Boys to their mothers.
The 13 year old is desperately clinging to her father for fear of losing him. It has been a very traumatic experience for her when the parents split up.
I remember you mentioning that the father is afraid to cuddle his daughter at bed time and says good night at the door. He needs to be very firm with her should she make inappropriate advances at him.
He still needs to tell her that he loves her, it is not her fault that the marriage broke down and that he will always love her. He needs to be blunt and tell her that there are rules in the house that she needs to stick to and he also needs to tell her that although he loves you and wants to spend his life with you, that she is to understand that that does not change his love for her. If she brings up the sexual acts, then he needs to tell her straight that this is inappropriate and daddies and daughters do NOT do these things.
When she starts to straddle on him, I feel he needs to be firm and say he doesn't like it and she is not to do it. But to reassure her that he still loves her because she is his baby and no matter how old she will be, she will always be his baby.
He also needs to tell her that she is not going to get between him and you, but that does not affect the fact that she is his baby and that it is wrong to talk and think about sexual acts with him.
The teenage years are the worst for parents and the children. She needs a firm hand and not ***** footing around. She will continue doing what she is doing until her father takes a firm stand. If he does not, she will forever be trying to makes things hard for you and your boyfriend.
Children do this in a normal relationship by playing the mother against the father. If she sees that her father and you are standing together and are strong and nothing she does will separate you, and you keep reassuring her that you both care for her, she will eventually get the message into her brain and settle down.
If there is any incest going on at her mother's house and the grandfather is touching her in a way that he shouldn't, perhaps your boyfriend can ask her questions about this to find out the truth.
Be aware that at this age girls can be very manipulative, so both you and your boyfriend need to be on your guard, but firm.
If there are underlying issues then I do agree that the father should be honest with the counsellor. It is only when the root cause is exposed that the counsellor may be in a position to help the child process what has happened and help her to deal with it.
Best wishes
Good luck
Ditto everyone above......absolutely.
It is commmendable that you are concerned for this child, however, she is beyond your scope of help, i.e. nail dates and girl chats. Let these two handle their own child. If you think CPS should be involved, then do so. If not, then let the parents sort this mess out.
I would be out of there asap and I wouldn't be waiting for anyone to "change and see the light" or stay trying to "figure out" if she is truly disturbed or not. IMO any child using "tactics" like you've mentioned would have to be troubled. It is possible she is troubled and smart; a combination that spells disaster.
This situation is TOO complex for an layperson to figure/sort out.
It is commmendable that you are concerned for this child, however, she is beyond your scope of help, i.e. nail dates and girl chats. Let these two handle their own child. If you think CPS should be involved, then do so. If not, then let the parents sort this mess out.
I would be out of there asap and I wouldn't be waiting for anyone to "change and see the light" or stay trying to "figure out" if she is truly disturbed or not. IMO any child using "tactics" like you've mentioned would have to be troubled. It is possible she is troubled and smart; a combination that spells disaster.
This situation is TOO complex for an layperson to figure/sort out.
I agree with RockRose and others as well re: not wanting to be a part of this but
ALSO agree with RockRose in that WE "teach" our little Girls how to "act out", be sexual -
add to that a whole lot of help from the media that We allow our Children exposure to - The Children are always watching, listening and learning - thing is, They don't even have all Their brain cells yet - They do Their "acting out" with very immature and undeveloped brains. So - we expose them to all "this" then later try to make it right??
ALSO agree with RockRose in that WE "teach" our little Girls how to "act out", be sexual -
add to that a whole lot of help from the media that We allow our Children exposure to - The Children are always watching, listening and learning - thing is, They don't even have all Their brain cells yet - They do Their "acting out" with very immature and undeveloped brains. So - we expose them to all "this" then later try to make it right??
COMMUNITY LEADER
Wow, my typos were bad! Ha ha. I don't get why the dad doesn't fight for more custody was my point. This child should not be with the mom as much as she is.
I agree with rockrose. I would not want to be a part of this. Love doesn't conquer all in my opinion. good luck
I agree with rockrose. I would not want to be a part of this. Love doesn't conquer all in my opinion. good luck
Reading through this information, this girl isn't really "acting out" any more than little girls who study their mother's behavior and go put on her high heels and her purse and delight everyone in the room with a spot-on impression of mom.
Girls are hard wired to witness their mother's behavior and copy it - that's how girls learn to become women, and boys learn to become men by watching their dads. There's nothing cuter than a 4 year old boy "mowing" the lawn behind daddy or pretending to shave.
It goes horribly wrong, though, when the parents behaviors are sick and twisted. This girl has learned you have sex with your dad.
I wouldn't want to be part of that family as others have said.
Girls are hard wired to witness their mother's behavior and copy it - that's how girls learn to become women, and boys learn to become men by watching their dads. There's nothing cuter than a 4 year old boy "mowing" the lawn behind daddy or pretending to shave.
It goes horribly wrong, though, when the parents behaviors are sick and twisted. This girl has learned you have sex with your dad.
I wouldn't want to be part of that family as others have said.
COMMUNITY LEADER
I don't get that. She does everything to traumatize the kids but doesn't want to work on custody? She's now 13 and actually has more say now about where she lives. I think she may have possibly been molested by her grandfather. I think if the mom is that bad, her father does indeed owe it to her to proceed with any kind of fight to bring him to live with her the majority of the time to keep her safe. good luck
If this is the type of family you want to be a part of, then have at it. Good luck to you. But if it were me, I don't think there is any guy out there worth this kind of daily drama and headaches. I'm sorry but my piece of mind and calm is more important to me than getting involved with a 3 ring circus like this family is, apparently.
It's obvious that we are all alarmed and I think You've had good input - what more can anyone suggest? I too feel at a loss to add anything more. You are "aware", Dad is "aware" - Daughter is in therapy(thank goodness!!) but it's obvious this is FAR from "over" (if ever). This is a very serious issue - and as has been suggested before- this is forever part of the package.
SpecialMom and I see eye to eye as regards this thing called "love"
Sometimes 'love' isn't enough
AND
love IS a CHOICE. We are so often blinded by what we think is "love" that we don't make wise CHOICES.
As for Your last statement above - She "truely IS a troubled" Girl - no matter Her motivation, manipulation, etc., etc. - the behavior IS "troubled" - no doubt.
SpecialMom and I see eye to eye as regards this thing called "love"
Sometimes 'love' isn't enough
AND
love IS a CHOICE. We are so often blinded by what we think is "love" that we don't make wise CHOICES.
As for Your last statement above - She "truely IS a troubled" Girl - no matter Her motivation, manipulation, etc., etc. - the behavior IS "troubled" - no doubt.
i step back and let him set and enforce boundaries but I do have girl talks with her.....her reality seems a bit off to me in the things she says....which could be just immaturity or something more...ie. manipulation. She regularly uses manipulation tactics on my BF which he has been smart enough to put and end too,,,,which is why her tactics seem to be escalating. Im wondering if she truly is troubled or this is just all manipulation to hold daddys full attention....She is a smart girl.
The dad walks on egg shells with the mom who really has and does continue to tramatize the kids... He doesnt want them being pulled into a long court drama and feels that as they grow upthey will see mom for what she is. The mother has warned the father NOT to mention certain things to the therapist which is conncerning for me as well. I dont think mom was molested i think its consentual as adult...ie. daddy sleeping over in moms bed with her????? My biggest concern is this girls future relations with boys and men
I know several of us stated that that behavior was extremely concerning. And I too wonder why the therapist isn't getting more into that? That's why I recommended finding a new therapist if this one isn't willing to broach the subject. It needs to be dealt with.
Why is some info not getting discussed with the therapist? Why is your bf not mentioning some things?
Perhaps this child is repeating things she has seen someone do, i.e. the bio mother. The bio mother sounds like she is very much in need of help. Just a thought.
If you are willing to deal with this dysfunction then I would say you are in for a heck of a ride.
Perhaps this child is repeating things she has seen someone do, i.e. the bio mother. The bio mother sounds like she is very much in need of help. Just a thought.
If you are willing to deal with this dysfunction then I would say you are in for a heck of a ride.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Rockrose, if you read my post . . . that is pretty much what I think as well. I find it disturbing that she is saying these things. I wonder if it has ever been heard by anyone but her father as it seems to be on the phone. But that stuff is over the top for me and concerning, absolutely.
But remember, oversexualized kids indeed often have something that goes on. If her mother was molested by her grandfather, not sure why it is then poo poo'ed that she too has been molested.
But I am thinking I have very little to offer here. She has a mother that is emotionally absent but then has a lot of the week with her and then goes to dads. There is nothing that the poster or her boyfriend can do about a mother that feeds into issues with the daughter. The boyfriend picked this woman to make kids with. It is what it is.
If I were the poster and I felt I had to stay in this relationship (I'm much more practical than just saying love is enough for a solid home life)--- I would back off and just try to be friends with the girl. I'd let Dad tell her NO. You don't say things like that to me ever. It's gross and inappropriate and I do NOT want to hear it again. I love you but NOT in that way. I'd tell the therapist that she has said these sexual types of things (the dad should do this) and to begin investigate where it is coming from with the therapists. I would actually switch her to a child psychologist rather than a family therapist if that is where she's been seen. I'd want someone with a PhD and adolescent experience.
But that is just me. Remember, I'd probably try not to date until my kids were adult to avoid these types of issues. good luck to the poster
But remember, oversexualized kids indeed often have something that goes on. If her mother was molested by her grandfather, not sure why it is then poo poo'ed that she too has been molested.
But I am thinking I have very little to offer here. She has a mother that is emotionally absent but then has a lot of the week with her and then goes to dads. There is nothing that the poster or her boyfriend can do about a mother that feeds into issues with the daughter. The boyfriend picked this woman to make kids with. It is what it is.
If I were the poster and I felt I had to stay in this relationship (I'm much more practical than just saying love is enough for a solid home life)--- I would back off and just try to be friends with the girl. I'd let Dad tell her NO. You don't say things like that to me ever. It's gross and inappropriate and I do NOT want to hear it again. I love you but NOT in that way. I'd tell the therapist that she has said these sexual types of things (the dad should do this) and to begin investigate where it is coming from with the therapists. I would actually switch her to a child psychologist rather than a family therapist if that is where she's been seen. I'd want someone with a PhD and adolescent experience.
But that is just me. Remember, I'd probably try not to date until my kids were adult to avoid these types of issues. good luck to the poster
I guess this is a game of patience understanding and therapy.
I agree. I think that about says it all IMO.
I'm kind of relieved to see you're both a little older, I was worried that you were perhaps on the young side with no kids. I think we see that played out a lot, and it's definitely hard for a young girl who hasn't had kids of her own work through these kinds of issues and be fair about it. It's hard period, but that situation is even more challenging.
"The mothers ins. is used to pay for therapy and she refuses to allow me to be involved and the therapist has had run in with his exwife...because she feels the girls mother is very def feeding into the daughters insecurity "
Well, that's a shame. If you're going to be part of their life in a forever kind of way, it's more than reasonable to try to be involved with any kind of family therapy. Not on the same level as her Dad and her, but involved for sure. Sometimes the best things therapists can offer in these situations in being a mediator.
Perhaps you can pay for any involvement YOU have out of pocket? Something to think about. It sounds like there are some issues with the Mom, unfortunately you don't have any control over that, I would definitely try not to get wrapped up in any drama there.
It's not easy to blend families, that's for sure. It sounds like this child hasn't always had the best role models and also had to deal with the broken home aspect, which is rough. Especially at 13, kids at that age think they're adults but still very much have the vulnerabilities of a young child.
Take care.
I agree. I think that about says it all IMO.
I'm kind of relieved to see you're both a little older, I was worried that you were perhaps on the young side with no kids. I think we see that played out a lot, and it's definitely hard for a young girl who hasn't had kids of her own work through these kinds of issues and be fair about it. It's hard period, but that situation is even more challenging.
"The mothers ins. is used to pay for therapy and she refuses to allow me to be involved and the therapist has had run in with his exwife...because she feels the girls mother is very def feeding into the daughters insecurity "
Well, that's a shame. If you're going to be part of their life in a forever kind of way, it's more than reasonable to try to be involved with any kind of family therapy. Not on the same level as her Dad and her, but involved for sure. Sometimes the best things therapists can offer in these situations in being a mediator.
Perhaps you can pay for any involvement YOU have out of pocket? Something to think about. It sounds like there are some issues with the Mom, unfortunately you don't have any control over that, I would definitely try not to get wrapped up in any drama there.
It's not easy to blend families, that's for sure. It sounds like this child hasn't always had the best role models and also had to deal with the broken home aspect, which is rough. Especially at 13, kids at that age think they're adults but still very much have the vulnerabilities of a young child.
Take care.
I may be the only one here who thinks it's very unusual and distressing that she is verbally expressing a desire to have sex with her dad.
I will say, Marylou, her behavior is very very common, it's the verbal expression of sexual desire that makes me very concerned. I can't count how many questions are like yours on this forum - girls behaving in very overtly sexual ways towards their dads, and the dads doing nothing to stop it and usually defending the girls behavior as just affectionate.
A girl who has reached 13 and doesn't realize the taboo against incest - in my opinion - really doesn't have enough filters on her mouth and behavior to live safely. The likelihood that she will act out on sexual desires with another grown man, or groups of men, or in a public place, seem very very high.
Best wishes. Girls at that age are usually so acutely aware that they should verbalize a sexual desire for their father to him.
I will say, Marylou, her behavior is very very common, it's the verbal expression of sexual desire that makes me very concerned. I can't count how many questions are like yours on this forum - girls behaving in very overtly sexual ways towards their dads, and the dads doing nothing to stop it and usually defending the girls behavior as just affectionate.
A girl who has reached 13 and doesn't realize the taboo against incest - in my opinion - really doesn't have enough filters on her mouth and behavior to live safely. The likelihood that she will act out on sexual desires with another grown man, or groups of men, or in a public place, seem very very high.
Best wishes. Girls at that age are usually so acutely aware that they should verbalize a sexual desire for their father to him.
thnks you yes i have 2 kids and his has a son. we waited six months before introductions. we r both the only relationships introduced to our kids and wouldnt have done so if we werent sure this is the real deal. Def no abuse going on. Has kids a few hrs during wk and every other weekend.. We have always made sure each of our kids gets one on one time... i should say that she acts out with her brother wen she feels he is getting the attention and she is not. My BF and I are 43. He is in a position where he is uncomfortable being alone with her and says goodnight from the doorway rather than going in his room. he is concerened at the same issues you brought up because she once eluded to the idea that her grandpa had "rubbed her but" innappropriately which we are now questioning. I have had girls nail dates with her and her behavior towards me in fine.. We have both very clearly explained that an adult relationship is different from daddy and daughter but will never interfere with her relationship with him. I guess this is a game of patience understanding and therapy. The mothers ins. is used to pay for therapy and she refuses to allow me to be involved and the therapist has had run in with his exwife...because she feels the girls mother is very def feeding into the daughters insecurity
Hello!
If I can ask, how old are you and your BF? How long have you been dating and when in relation to that did you get introduced to his daughter and start coming around regularly? Does your BF have partial custody? How often is she with him and do you live with him also? Do you have any children, and does he have any other kids? (Sorry for all the questions, lol, just trying to get a better feel for the situation).
I think there are disturbing signs here that either she's SO desperate for his attention that she's willing to do and say very shocking things, or there is or was some kind of abuse going on.
Her telling you both that she has thoughts of having sex with him, asking him to shave his chest hair, and putting her phone down her pants saying "I dare you" are NOT acceptable things for her to be doing or saying.
From what you describe, it SOUNDS like your BF's reaction is pretty normal, that he's disturbed and concerned by her behavior (as he should be), but it sounds like he's not sure what to do, so as a result he isn't doing much of anything yet.
If indeed there is no abuse going on, the things she's saying and doing could land the adults around her in a BAD situation. She's already been bold enough to do those things, who's to say she won't make an outrageous accusation against her dad (or you) to either gain attention, or as a way to punish people? It happens.
I hate to say it, but I knew a few girls in Jr HS/HS who used to tell the guys they were dating that their fathers had sexually abused them (for attention), or that they were raped. It was sick, and that kind of thing, if heard by the wrong person, can land someone in a BAD situation. These girls admitted that these were lies to their friends. Kind of scary. I think those things (making up outrageous stories) are more common in children of that age than people want to think.
I think your husband maybe has been afraid to get tough with her, and I think that's exactly what he needs to do. He needs to set some serious boundaries, and explain very clearly that the things she has been doing and saying are NOT acceptable. He needs to be 100% honest with her that those kinds of things could EASILY be misconstrued by others and land him in some serious trouble. She needs to know there are potential consequences for that kind of thing.
He then needs to make sure he is spending enough time with her, making sure she knows that she's #1 and always will be, despite if he is dating or getting remarried. Of course it's normal for a child to feel threatened and jealous when a new partner enters the picture. ALL of the adults in that child's life need to be sure they are reassuring the child and making them understand that just because Mom or Dad finds a new partner, doesn't mean that takes away from the love they feel for that child.
I think she's old enough for you to maybe sit her down and have a girl talk also. Just be gentle, tell her that you're very glad to be getting to know her better, and that you respect her relationship with dad. Come right out and say that you would never try to vie for his attention, or take him away from her, and be sure to acknowledge that she is justified in feeling a little jealous or territorial with you being around more now. Tell her you're interested in cultivating their father-daughter relationship however you can, and that you would like to have your own relationship with her. Mention that you would like to have a girl's day out with her, and offer to take her somewhere she would enjoy. Then, occasionally, make a gesture like buying 2 tickets for just THEM to go to a movie, or a play, something they can do together....a little "daddy-daughter time", on you! I think gestures and actions make a much bigger impact than just words.
All of this advice is given under the assumption that indeed there is nothing going on where your BF may be abusing her in some way. I'm not at all saying he is (and just from what you've written I don't get that feeling), but it's certainly something to keep in the back of your mind, her behavior is pretty shocking and not unlike something you would see in a sexually abused child. Obviously, it goes without saying that if there are signs or concerns about something like going on, you would need to report it immediately. JUST throwing that in there, kind of a disclaimer.
I think this situation can be handled with some kid gloves and some reassurance, and most importantly, some firm boundaries and limit setting from Dad (has to come from him). She's looking for ANY kind of attention, good or bad. Your BF (and the other adults in her life) need to learn to be reactive only to the good, desirable behaviors. When she's acting out or saying inappropriate things, it needs to be shut down, but not made a huge deal of, or it's reinforcing that she's getting attention for it, and for a child seeking ANY attention, it won't matter to them which kind it is.
I certainly hope things can improve. Most definitely continue therapy, and if her dad doesn't think the therapist is doing enough, find another. I think family therapy would be helpful too...maybe with her and her mom and dad, with you sitting in on a session from time to time with her (or her and Dad). I cannot stress the importance of keeping that resource, and utilizing it as much as possible to help you all through this transition. Don't be afraid to reach out to a therapist yourself if you need to, to help you work through this, and get some ideas.
Good luck!
If I can ask, how old are you and your BF? How long have you been dating and when in relation to that did you get introduced to his daughter and start coming around regularly? Does your BF have partial custody? How often is she with him and do you live with him also? Do you have any children, and does he have any other kids? (Sorry for all the questions, lol, just trying to get a better feel for the situation).
I think there are disturbing signs here that either she's SO desperate for his attention that she's willing to do and say very shocking things, or there is or was some kind of abuse going on.
Her telling you both that she has thoughts of having sex with him, asking him to shave his chest hair, and putting her phone down her pants saying "I dare you" are NOT acceptable things for her to be doing or saying.
From what you describe, it SOUNDS like your BF's reaction is pretty normal, that he's disturbed and concerned by her behavior (as he should be), but it sounds like he's not sure what to do, so as a result he isn't doing much of anything yet.
If indeed there is no abuse going on, the things she's saying and doing could land the adults around her in a BAD situation. She's already been bold enough to do those things, who's to say she won't make an outrageous accusation against her dad (or you) to either gain attention, or as a way to punish people? It happens.
I hate to say it, but I knew a few girls in Jr HS/HS who used to tell the guys they were dating that their fathers had sexually abused them (for attention), or that they were raped. It was sick, and that kind of thing, if heard by the wrong person, can land someone in a BAD situation. These girls admitted that these were lies to their friends. Kind of scary. I think those things (making up outrageous stories) are more common in children of that age than people want to think.
I think your husband maybe has been afraid to get tough with her, and I think that's exactly what he needs to do. He needs to set some serious boundaries, and explain very clearly that the things she has been doing and saying are NOT acceptable. He needs to be 100% honest with her that those kinds of things could EASILY be misconstrued by others and land him in some serious trouble. She needs to know there are potential consequences for that kind of thing.
He then needs to make sure he is spending enough time with her, making sure she knows that she's #1 and always will be, despite if he is dating or getting remarried. Of course it's normal for a child to feel threatened and jealous when a new partner enters the picture. ALL of the adults in that child's life need to be sure they are reassuring the child and making them understand that just because Mom or Dad finds a new partner, doesn't mean that takes away from the love they feel for that child.
I think she's old enough for you to maybe sit her down and have a girl talk also. Just be gentle, tell her that you're very glad to be getting to know her better, and that you respect her relationship with dad. Come right out and say that you would never try to vie for his attention, or take him away from her, and be sure to acknowledge that she is justified in feeling a little jealous or territorial with you being around more now. Tell her you're interested in cultivating their father-daughter relationship however you can, and that you would like to have your own relationship with her. Mention that you would like to have a girl's day out with her, and offer to take her somewhere she would enjoy. Then, occasionally, make a gesture like buying 2 tickets for just THEM to go to a movie, or a play, something they can do together....a little "daddy-daughter time", on you! I think gestures and actions make a much bigger impact than just words.
All of this advice is given under the assumption that indeed there is nothing going on where your BF may be abusing her in some way. I'm not at all saying he is (and just from what you've written I don't get that feeling), but it's certainly something to keep in the back of your mind, her behavior is pretty shocking and not unlike something you would see in a sexually abused child. Obviously, it goes without saying that if there are signs or concerns about something like going on, you would need to report it immediately. JUST throwing that in there, kind of a disclaimer.
I think this situation can be handled with some kid gloves and some reassurance, and most importantly, some firm boundaries and limit setting from Dad (has to come from him). She's looking for ANY kind of attention, good or bad. Your BF (and the other adults in her life) need to learn to be reactive only to the good, desirable behaviors. When she's acting out or saying inappropriate things, it needs to be shut down, but not made a huge deal of, or it's reinforcing that she's getting attention for it, and for a child seeking ANY attention, it won't matter to them which kind it is.
I certainly hope things can improve. Most definitely continue therapy, and if her dad doesn't think the therapist is doing enough, find another. I think family therapy would be helpful too...maybe with her and her mom and dad, with you sitting in on a session from time to time with her (or her and Dad). I cannot stress the importance of keeping that resource, and utilizing it as much as possible to help you all through this transition. Don't be afraid to reach out to a therapist yourself if you need to, to help you work through this, and get some ideas.
Good luck!
Well I think one thing that is pretty clear here is that she resents another woman (you) taking up any of the time that she perceives in her immature mind as being hers with her dad. She doesn't like it and she is acting out because she doesn't have the mental capacity to see the big picture.
This is why I don't get involved with men who already have kids. It's way too much of a hassle, as you can see. Unless the guy was like totally awesome and perfect in every possible way, but even then having this huge problem would put me off right quick.
The bottom line is that they're a package deal. That's how it works with single dads. If you choose to date him, she will always be a factor, always and forever. Personally I think all of this sounds like way more trouble than it's worth for a pretty uncertain future. I would rethink whether he's the right person to be with since he can't seem to take control of the situation and resolve it somehow.
This is why I don't get involved with men who already have kids. It's way too much of a hassle, as you can see. Unless the guy was like totally awesome and perfect in every possible way, but even then having this huge problem would put me off right quick.
The bottom line is that they're a package deal. That's how it works with single dads. If you choose to date him, she will always be a factor, always and forever. Personally I think all of this sounds like way more trouble than it's worth for a pretty uncertain future. I would rethink whether he's the right person to be with since he can't seem to take control of the situation and resolve it somehow.
thank you... I am aware of the package deal and i have been in her life as well as he in my childrens lives for quite some time. Innappropriate behavior on the moms part with her dad....well she has a "tatoo on her private parts that says daddy...the kids all get along well and her mom is in picture with shared custody... this guy and his daughter are keepers...and he is in agreement on the boundary issues. we are working on it together and work hard to reassure her. i guess he and i r just trying to figure out how to draw the line with her without her feeling put aside...because we both love her. Shes a good kid whose dealt with alot of crap. i dont believe on giving up on people i love
I don't know that anything 'odd' is going on here but I do think She doesn't want to "share" Her Daddy - Very typical when Mommy and Daddy don't live together. Yes, She feels in competion with You for His attention(typical) and She may be taking it to a sexual level 'cuz She realizes You appeal to Him sexually.
That being said, if I were You, I would choose not to take this on. She may forever see You as interference. This is a huge Red Flag. You don't "just" marry the Man but You "marry" the Family as well, most especially the prior Children. If this IS a "troubled" Girl, You must remember She is forever His Daughter and She's part of the package.
Good Luck
That being said, if I were You, I would choose not to take this on. She may forever see You as interference. This is a huge Red Flag. You don't "just" marry the Man but You "marry" the Family as well, most especially the prior Children. If this IS a "troubled" Girl, You must remember She is forever His Daughter and She's part of the package.
Good Luck
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hm. Well, here is the deal. She and her father have a special relationship. I feel badly for the girl because she is clearly clinging to her only parent. (real parent). That is really quite sad if you think about it. My hope would be that she feels less threatened in the future that you won't disrupt her time/relationship with her dad. Or that you could even play positive role in her life.
So, obviously it is really really troubling that she says things like she thinks about having sex with him. That the then tells you is also a bit disturbing. What does HE say about this? I do think that is extreme. I agree.
Anyway, the only thing you can do is talk to him. See if he agrees but remember, he loves his child. She does and should always be his number ONE priority. She came before you and she really only has him it sounds like. He will need to be the one to see that a boundary needs to be put in place and he is the one who will have to set it up and enforce it. Your role is confidant to him behind closed doors as well as just a friendly, supportive person to her.
BTW, I find it kind of odd that you say that the mother had an inappropriate relationship with her own father. You do realize who is in control of those situations, right? THE PARENT. so, if it is repeating, take a hard look at your boyfriend.
In fact, I'll just say it. If you find this daughter trouble, I encourage you to consider that this might not be the best relationship for you. I don't think it is easy to come into a situation of a step child and especially one that might have some emotional issues due to poor parenting on one or both parents part. Not every person we date are we supposed to end up with permanently and it is good to realize this. We should walk away from people when things in their life will aggravate us greatly. That is what dating is for. To discern if someone is a good match or not. This guy and his daughter (they are a package) may not be a good match for you.
good luck
So, obviously it is really really troubling that she says things like she thinks about having sex with him. That the then tells you is also a bit disturbing. What does HE say about this? I do think that is extreme. I agree.
Anyway, the only thing you can do is talk to him. See if he agrees but remember, he loves his child. She does and should always be his number ONE priority. She came before you and she really only has him it sounds like. He will need to be the one to see that a boundary needs to be put in place and he is the one who will have to set it up and enforce it. Your role is confidant to him behind closed doors as well as just a friendly, supportive person to her.
BTW, I find it kind of odd that you say that the mother had an inappropriate relationship with her own father. You do realize who is in control of those situations, right? THE PARENT. so, if it is repeating, take a hard look at your boyfriend.
In fact, I'll just say it. If you find this daughter trouble, I encourage you to consider that this might not be the best relationship for you. I don't think it is easy to come into a situation of a step child and especially one that might have some emotional issues due to poor parenting on one or both parents part. Not every person we date are we supposed to end up with permanently and it is good to realize this. We should walk away from people when things in their life will aggravate us greatly. That is what dating is for. To discern if someone is a good match or not. This guy and his daughter (they are a package) may not be a good match for you.
good luck
thank you. I think my concern stems from the fact that her comments have ranged and seem to escalate.. she tells him these things over the phone wen she is at her moms...so i believe she feels left out wen she is not with us. as i said her and i have probably a better relationship than her and her mom and i do feel she is torn. My problem is that her behaviors are not things learned from watching her dad and i... for example she will climb on him and straddle him, or climb on him when there is a full open couch to sit on. she will tell him to shave or "manscape" his chest hair. once he asked her for her phone so she would go to bed because she will stay up all night online and she put it down her pants and said i dare you...wen he walks away she tells him you dont love me. Is this something she will outgrow? The therapist i dont think knows everything but seems to feel based on meeting the mom and knowing the moms history that this is learned behavior
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