Hello:
I've suffered from violent Harm OCD my whole life, along with all kinds of other compulsions and obsessions. I've also had a long history of substance abuse and many of the traits of narcissism seem to fit me. Mainly, I mean tha beneath everything I have the sense of a real emptiness and I've often had anger problems in relationships, verbally blowing a fuse sometimes. The weird thing is that this works both ways -- that is, the anger is usually from being worn down by the OCD, which used to take the form of jealousy and obsessions about my partners' past in 3D splendor just to torment me. I'm also a writer, and I've always had my dreams of making it big. And yet, an editor once wrote a book blurb comparing my work to Hemingway and I immediately thought it was ridiculous -- I didn't even want the blurb. It's sort of like I need my narcissist supply but I don't require much! Just enough to make me feel okay and that I'm at least talented and hard working. But now my life has fallen apart at 49 after I had to quit benzodiazepines -- it feels like my whole life is a train wreck as I'm living at my parents' house until this all works out. Now I feel like maybe the Harm obsessions are really the narcissistic mask falling away, partially, that it's a way of m mind telling me, "This is how low you really are." I just can't figure this one out. Now, since quitting the benzos I've convinced myself of brain cancer, paranoia, lung cancer...the list goes on. And I smoke -- so there is some truth in that possibility. I thunk maybe the narcissism fear works the same way -- there's some truth to it, perhaps. I just don't want to feel like I'm a completely immoral sociopath.
Any idea what is going on?