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severe hiv ocd ,need advice for future

I am a student who is suffering ocd for past 4 years but after each episode , fist it started with my size of pens it lasted for a while then I moved on to religious thoughts then I moved on to being gay ocd , which crippled me for an year and I was fine for a year cause I went to a psychiatrist and took some medication for this, I have allways feared HIV cause my moms sister , who is like mom to me looked after me whole life , got married and badly he was HIv and infected her and she died miserably , my mother father who was very close to her , started treating her soo badly in front my eyes and she died within 3 years after infection , idk why.people say that they did black magic to her. so I have my fear roots , recently a month back from pickng up my stuff from toilet bowl , triggered my hiv ocd, whileiam on MDMA and and itruglled for a month then I realized I shared snorting gear 2 months back , is very low to negligible hiv risk, I couldn't stop myself from HIV testing and I went and tested then I found out iam negative , then I obbsesedfor a while about nurse injected me with HIv ,which I got over as I fighte it as irrational thought and with all this going on I defended my thesis yesterday and graduated I don't feel happy a bit. I freaking finished my masters ,before the day of my mters my friend cut his finger in my room accidentaly and I don't touch is blood and I hardly used anything in my room and the next day after that I went to a doctor for asking about touching the door knob ,which he touched with my hand and touching my pimple ,that day the receptionist gave a phone to doctor and after cming back from clinic I got a thought that the receptionist pricked me with hiv needle and iam checking for the needle marks I don't find any I found a smallbumpon my finger , but I convienced myself that I wasn't blleding its not a needle prick, then the same night while aim working on my thesis , I cut my finger and realized and started hink that this blleding thing is what the receptionist picked me , lately after this day I started obsessing that the wound ,which I got reached to my friends blood and he is been my friend for 2 years , I know that he isn't HIv but my mind says that iam HIv some how through the receptionist pricking me or my friends blood , as I graduated iam free to go back to my home country or stay here , what do you suggest with this crippling ocd depression I cant face my mom and I cant say her anything , over here iam unable to get help as the language of this country is different and expenisve , idk what to do , where to start , I have been a drug user like MDMA LSD weed but not nedles , which I have stopped allafter the triggering of HIV ocd , I don't even drink alcohol , I cry everyday , trying to calm my self with clonazepam , should I go back home and tell my mom ? and stress her out , my sistr is pregnant now I ont want to stress her out now and if I go back iam scared that if iam hiv , I ill infect my family , iam in no shape to face my family and friends back hme as ia severly depressed with dark circles and lost lot of weight with anxiety , where should I start howtodeal with , I don't have any other place to share this kindly , help me to decide , I know it is very huge question with lot of spelling mistakes as iam very anxious now please guide me ,
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Avatar universal
can you share your experience how you get out from this...
because I am also feeling same ..
It made my life as a hell
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
@Artmesia
I am also going through same from last 7 months same situation, even I went to visit HIV specialist doctor for consultation and after coming home I feels same that I stand at receptionist counter does doctor put injection on receptionist table and I am pricked up with that injection.
I feared to go clinics, laboratories etc.
even after test I feels that lab technician collect the sample in right way or Is  he use infected needle or what not.
so now I am stop  doing testing as well.
I am eagerly want to do blood test again but I am feared..
Helpful - 0
1699033 tn?1514113133
Tell me about your psychiatrist visits back whenever and what did you take?  Who is prescribing you the klonopin (Clonazepam) right now?  did you ever learn cognitive behavioral therapy?
Helpful - 0
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my psychologist wants to do EMDR as I have trauma regarding HIV , iam meeting my psychiatrist on Thursday , and for now they increased my dosage to 20 mg escitalopram , and .5mg clono zepam , but now I developed paranoia regarding HIV  everyone wants to infect me with HIV , like mxing blood in my food , I don't even trust my best friend anymore , soo lonely as ever , do you think EMDR works ? she told she will give mix of EMDR and CBT to me , hope it woks , and daily some or otherway I feel I aminfected , today I went to buy knifes , they were packet of six . but I asked him , to give me one , after thinking for a while , he opened packet from side and then my paranoia kicked in , what if he cuts his han by mistake or wantedly with the knife ,  I told him I ill take the new 6 pack ,which he refused as he already opened it . so I had to take it , I took it , I think he don't get cut but my mind says he did cut with it , I don't anyway touch knife , but he gave me the remaining change to me with same hand , I checked my han after takeing the money , I don't notice any blood , so I  was anxious I rolled ciggerate , with the hand where I had to lick it to stick it , now I think the blood is in microquantities and is invisible and I got HIV , iam sure he don't get cut as he don't react to any cutting sensation , my heart is beating fast and iamback on forum. I am unable to bear all this , I feel its my mistake to ask him one knife , I couldhave bought th whole pack frtly or just gave him money and cameback without takeing change and the knifes , I think iam fool. can we get hiv like this? may be I ill post in HIV prevention
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