Aa
Aa
A
A
A
Close
Avatar universal

ADVICE STRONGLY NEEDED

My step father spent the last year molesting me constantly. The last day he did so he told me he wanted to have sex with me analy (I was raped this way) upon doing so all the memories of my rape were brought back and I developed a sever PTSD disorder. I was going to end my life that night but decided to tell my mother what was happening instead. At first she was willing to help me but then reverted and decided she didn't believe me. She wanted me to live with the man who had molested me constantly FOR A YEAR. She never supported me through the entire investigation and both of them working together and using my mentality against me had the investigation closed. I got no justification and she still loves the man. What do I do?
14 Responses
Sort by: Helpful Oldest Newest
973741 tn?1342342773
OH MY GOSH, I could not be more sorry.  As a mother, a woman--  on every level. I, in truth, don't know how a woman could choose a man over her child.  You've been abused twice---  once by the man and then again by your own mother.  I'm sure this is so sad for you because you basically have no parents at this point that are there for you.  

I'm sorry you got dealt this crummy hand!  

I'm glad you  are living away.  NOW, create a life for yourself.  Be strong.  Take classes and begin looking for a way to support yourself.  You are valuable, lovable and deserve a happy life.  Do not let this man or your on ruin it.  

I always take comfort in the idea that we have two chances at family. The one we are born into and then we get a second chance with the one we create for ourselves.  Surround yourself with loving and supportive people.  

We're here to talk if you need to!
Helpful - 1
2 Comments
Thank you so much! I really needed that. I've been working really hard to get through life now that i am finally away from her, but i'm also trying my best to still love her like a child should love a mother. Im just hoping for the best at this point
If you do not love her as a mother do not fret. It’s not your fault it’s hers. She wasn’t a true mother to you, she did not protect you like a mother should have ; so there is no responsibility on your part to love her like you should love your mother.
   If you hated her that is fine you are allowed.  She betrayed you in a very bad way. Do not suppress your feelings because “you should love your mother “. If you had an argument yes but that isn’t it.  A mother is suppose to protect you keep you safe. She did not do this and turned on you and made it worse. In fact you can hate her if you want. Maybe if you hate her now tolerate her later and maybe like her further down the line that’ll be ok too. You don’t HAVE to love her cause she’s your mother
Avatar universal
You poor thing. That is so heartbreaking. I have experienced nothing as physically and mentally damaging as you have. I've had 7 major surgeries, am now a broken remnant of the person I was. But, I can't imagine how you feel. I was brought up Catholic, lost my brother, we were a year and a half apart, at age 22 in  MC accident...I have a strong belief in God. Partly, or mainly because of an experience I had, wide awake, while on business from Montana, in Houston, TX, in my hotel room at a LaQuinta Inn..I know, sounds like a good place for a joke...Not.
I dont know how old you are, doesnt matter, GET OUT and AWAY!! As far as possible. Move in with a relative, a friend..somebody who can't hurt you and recognizes how badly you need help and Love.
I will gladly kick that SOB's *** for you. I'm only good at a few things now, and thats one of them. God Bless you. Prayers on their way, stay strong, you are Loved!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Although I agree with everybody else who has responded here (and I don't even know if you're still paying attention to this thread), there is one thing that you may not have considered: your mother may have been abused by your stepfather, as well (whether or not she recognized it as abuse), and may have been afraid of siding with you and exposing him. It doesn't make it alright, and it doesn't change what happened, but it may help you to forgive her, somewhat, or at least understand a bit.

Regardless of any of that, though, I strongly encourage you to get therapy and counselling. Even if you have processed the trauma of what happened, and have moved on with your life, you need to learn the traits of abusers, and patterns of abuse, so that you don't unwittingly end up marrying the same kind of man as your stepfather, or find it hard to recognize and/or trust people with whom you could have a healthy relationship.

You may think that it would be obvious to not get involved with someone abusive, and that you would have no problem recognizing the signs of it, but unfortunately, for those of us who have been abused, we seem to become magnets to other abusers, and the experience of "falling head over heels" with someone who is "so wonderful, romantic, and kind; is always attentive and goes out of his way to do special things" for you and seems to be "almost everything we were looking for in a man", is actually a huge warning sign of a potentially abusive partner.

I'm 42, and I only learned this, last year, after getting out of a 13-year marriage, in which I suffered every kind of abuse, except physical, for 12 of those years (much of which I didn't even realize was considered abuse - I thought it was the normal "worse" part of being married "for better or worse, for richer or poorer" that we just had to "get through together"; or believed my husband that it was either because of his "disabilities" or because of my shortcomings that "he understood and didn't hold against me, because he knows I can't help it"),  but every time I was ready to leave him, he would seem to "realize how much he'd hurt me" and seem truly remorseful, then we'd go through a few months to a year or so where it seemed like everything was finally changing and he was so sweet and wonderful again, and was really trying to understand me and consider my needs, and the children's needs, until the next time that I found out about more of his lies; or until I was exhausted from looking after him and the children and the house and dealing with all the crises that "weren't his fault" because "people just didn't understand him"; or the utilities got shut off because he "forgot to pay the bills" even though he "meant to"; or he got fired because "his boss didn't provide the information or the supplies he needed to be able to do his project"; or he lost contracts because "the client changed  the requirements of the project after he had already done most of the work to meet the old requirements" or "the client didn't understand computers, so they didn't realize or understand how much better his solution was than what the clients thought they wanted"; or I would have to change my plans time after time because he "had to work late" (even though the store he worked at, closed hours before he got home) or "he forgot that I needed the car" or "he wasn't feeling well enough to put the kids to bed" or "he promised his mother (or sister or friend or co-worker) that he'd fix her computer and he had to do it that night because she's been asking him for weeks but he didn't have time before now, and if he didn't do it that evening, he wouldn't have time for another two weeks, and she really, really needed to be able to use her computer, and he was afraid she'd mess it up even more if he didn't do it, because even though she used to be a computer programmer, she just clicks on anything that pops up, so she's always getting viruses and deleting system files and things like that" and the list goes on and on and on...

Abuse is not always easy to see, predict, or avoid, unless you learn what "healthy" looks like (which is not likely what you observed or experienced growing up in a dysfunctional family). A lot of the things I experienced, taken by themselves, didn't seem like much, but when you take them all together, year after year, it becomes a pattern of abuse and neglect, that can be so hard to break free from because you're made to feel guilty for not "having more compassion" or "not being able to forgive" (until you realize years later, that he never really apologized for any of the things he expected forgiveness for, but you are the one who is constantly apologizing), or "have unrealistic expectations" or being "too needy".


Anyways, I didn't intend to write this much. I hope you're doing better.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
You need to provide evidence. Have you ever went for a check up at the doctor? I'm not sure how old you are but you should let the doctor know what has been going on. If you're old enough, you should consider breaking ties with your mother if possible. Just remember that none of the abuse was your fault. You did nothing wrong to deserve such treatment. Just let everyone know until you're heard. Look up programs in your area for sexual abuse victims so that you can get the support you need.
Helpful - 0
1 Comments
1800-799-7233
733362 tn?1489794936
I know this is old. In case you or anyone else is ever in a similar situation, ask for the box. I was told this once when I was accused of something I didn't do. Of course everybody is innocent, just ask em. I responded "The Box! What is that?? The Lie Detector. The State Police ran the test, didn't cost me a dime and that thing works! I passed the test and they dismissed the case. Even if I had to pay $200-300 it would be worth it.
That guy will get his, sooner or later, you don't need to worry about that. I'm sorry such horrible things have happened to you. I can see you are a strong person. Give it to God and move on. What's the alternative? Blame yourself? Suffer? End up on terrible meds? Lay it at the Foot of the Cross and walk away.
Helpful - 0
2 Comments
I should add to that last post, I had heard the lie detector isn't admissible in a court of law. I think that might be in a jury trial. Was told the police and judges take it under consideration. Obviously they did. I had to go before a judge who said, "I can't prosecute this. Dismissed".
OMG! I wish I could hug you. Please never consider ending your precious life. As for your mother and stepfather may they burn in HELL.  I think you should move on with your life and don't waste it with these losers. It's a lot easier said than done of course.

Women! Please wake up and stop bringing men into the home.
Avatar universal
Protect yourself by seeking God and knowing He loves you and would never want for you to hurt ...have someone with you when yuk see your mother and only in a neutral place to stop her from talking about things you don't need to relive. Refuse to be in the presence of the predator that hurt you. Stay in the presence of positive people. You deserve to be treated with love and respect!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Im so sorry..this story break my heart. My best friend in high school had the same thing occur/her mom stayed with the jerk and accused us of being liars.   On top of it, it was my dads nbest friend that was her stepfather. And because I became a strong advocate for her to leave the house no matter the circumstances my father disowned me.!  This was twenty years ago and he still thinks I am a liar.  I had nothing to gain.  Lost some family but still have my best friends.  Its hard to say what to do. I want you to leave.   But easier said then done i know.  Its going to be years and years before you get a break at normality and it pisses me off that you were robbed.  I can only pray for you that you find the support love and light.  Misstreesa at g mail if you need to write me. Regards and love treesa
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
And how can they close the case? I would go back to the police department or if it’s got to do with something they tried to say to make you seem crazy and you see a counselor for your prior assault or even this one I would ask that person for help
Helpful - 0
1 Comments
Don`t know if too late but if happens again (heaven forbid) call an uber and ask to be taken to Emergency admitting at nearest hospital. Tell  the nurse etc. that u`ve just been raped & want to be examined by a doctor. All the proper agencies will be notified & then very highly unlikely it`ll happen again & this POS will be in jail.
Avatar universal
I am so sorry for what you have been through. I too was molested by a family member. My mom believed me but refused to go where we needed to to press charges and she stayed drunk most of the time so I dealt with things in a messed up way. This first thing I’m gonna say is probably gonna make some people upset or make you wonder but it’s really important. You need to forgive her for what happened and her reaction to it. Not for her benefit but for yourself. You don’t even need to tell her. But the longer you hold on to hate and anger the more YOU suffer, not her. Eventually try that with him, trust me I know it’s easier said than done but you will benefit in the end.
Second off is that like others have said, she made the decision and I have a feeling it may be something like she felt like she would have seen if he was that bad of a person because who wants to believe they let someone that awful that close to their daughter. I begged my mom not to leave and she would. I had family tell me they didn’t believe me. I didn’t care. I knew the truth and so do you. Hold on to the truth and don’t let them make you doubt yourself. You are worth more than that.

Third off- please don’t do like so many abuse victims and get into drugs and alcohol. That’s where I went wrong. It doesn’t help because the pain is still there. It leaves you exposed to possibly be assaulted again and you are so much better than that!!! Please come back here if you need anything. I’ll be there for you.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Leave both  of them. Get away ftom that dituation. You deserve better.  Get your ducks in a row and leave so you can create a better life for  yourself❤️.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I know you are looking for a thing to say/do to make your mother help/accept you and act in a way a mother should. But the truth is that they're just not the kind of person that is going to take care of you like they should and you can do nothing to change that. From what I understand you are being forced to live with that man right now? Find a way to get out. Stay with a friend for example. Do whatever it takes. I'm not sure about your age right now, but would you be able to get a job and sustain yourself? I would completely break contact with both your stepfather and your mother if possible. They are not good for you. Try to get help from someone. The police or a professional. Someone who can help you.
Helpful - 0
1 Comments
Perfect answer!!!
Avatar universal
My advice is to work with a counselor to create boundaries with your mother that you can enforce. Maybe your counselor could help you write her a letter - even if you decide to never give it to her it might help to work through the hurt and pain you feel.  It takes time and commitment to be healthy for yourself and your future family. My mother also chose to stay with her husband but while I will never understand completely, I do believe that she did what she thought was best based on her life experiences, her upbringing , her current situation, and ability. It wasn't about how much she loved or valued me.  He told her he was just "curious" and wouldn't do it anymore.  He did stop but then started with my little sister.  Eventually she left him and many years later we were able to talk about it. I told her that it took so much strength and courage to tell her and when she chose to stay with him I felt defeated, ashamed. That I didn't feel valued by her and that I hated myself for ever telling her or trusting her.  I chose to forgive her and him. I had to for myself or I would have been eaten up with rage and depression. My sister had a more difficult time forgiving and many times would blow up in anger at our mother asking why and how she could have allowed him to hurt us?  My sister struggled with drugs, alcohol, and depression until she was 40 years old when she took her own life. So my advice to you is to get help to work through this as it will effect the rest of your life and relationships.  Much like your mother you have to make a choice. If you decide to continue your relationship with your mother it is important that you have boundaries to protect yourself.  I remember many years later when I was at a store with my child I ran into my step-father - I said hi and a couple polite comments but then I ran from the store and hugged my child while sobbing and shaking in the middle of the parking lot. I thought I had worked so hard at recovering and that I was doing pretty good but at that moment I knew that even though I had forgiven and worked towards healing all those emotions, that I would never be completely healed or forget. That my abuse will always be with me. Today 30 years later I still need to be conscious of my damaged emotions and way of thinking so it doesn't get in the way of my decisions and relationships. I have made plenty of disfunctional choices for me and my children but I am confident that I protected them to the best of my ability. I am happy to see that they are good parents and seem to be further diminishing the effects of the abuse and dysfunction of previous generations. I love my mother and I received and learned many good things from her.  I knew I could trust her with many things but I also had to learn that she was damaged too and I couldn't trust or even understand all the choices she made.  I can say without a doubt that I am glad I didn't commit suicide when I thought that was the only option left. During those low times I never would have believed that so many wonderful things would come my way - but they have and today I can say life is precious and enjoyable.  Wishing you the best on this journey.
Helpful - 0
13167 tn?1327194124
I don't think you have to understand it,  Bunnyrose,  you just have to accept it and know it.  

Your mother chose her husband over you.  As awful and painful as that is to realize,  you should take it in and learn it.  And not expect anything different from her in the future.  This is a learning moment - your mother has chosen her husband over you.  It's likely you'll be stuck in not accepting this,  and will continue to try to get your mother to act motherly when you marry,  have children,  etc.  But she won't.  You now know what to expect.  

Best wishes.  
Helpful - 0
3 Comments
Thank you so much, I love my mother I do but i think ive begun to realize that shes gonna do what she wants and ill just have to try and live with it no matter how painful
but keeping in mind that i dont want her husband near me or my future children
Report this to police. He will have to file as a child molester even if it doesnt go to court.  And it will help her believe.  Don't be afraid to as it not right he should just get away with such a horrible thing dear.
Welcome Den456.  Right?  People need to be held accountable.  
134578 tn?1693250592
If you are old enough to leave home and live on your own, that would be the first step, or go live with relatives.  If not, tell a relative or counselor at school what has happened.
Helpful - 0
2 Comments
I'm 18 and have left home but how does a woman choose her husband over her child? I just don't understand...
Hi bunny! Its sad. But sometimes. We shud accept that bad things happened so that we must learn to be strong and fight for ourselves . have a courage to stand on ur own. Let her be. Someday she will realised wat she have lost. Be strong. This things doesn't define who u are. But ur future will.
Have an Answer?

You are reading content posted in the Abuse Support Community

Top Relationships Answerers
13167 tn?1327194124
Austin, TX
3060903 tn?1398565123
Other
Learn About Top Answerers
Didn't find the answer you were looking for?
Ask a question
Popular Resources
How do you keep things safer between the sheets? We explore your options.
Can HIV be transmitted through this sexual activity? Dr. Jose Gonzalez-Garcia answers this commonly-asked question.
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
Herpes spreads by oral, vaginal and anal sex.
STIs are the most common cause of genital sores.