Omg please help. I dont even know how to word this.

[LikeAlice2day]

My 6yr old stepdaughter... Yesterday was beyond words as to how I feel.I'm still trying to wrap my thoughts around it. My stepdaughter has issues with her mother not being around. I'm used to taking the normal lash out from her.. I don't approve or like it.. But I understand it.. To a degree.
Yesterday she was telling me that she wished she could get her mom out her head. That all she does is think about her and dream about her all the time. She said that's why she's bad and don't listen ... She told me she wants me to be her real mom and is majorly kissing butt ... So As the day progresses I know something is up. I hadn't figured out what exactly tho..
Fast forward to shower time, she calls me in there and asks me where the conditioner is that I had just bought her.. I start looking and looking everywhere... She tells me that she don't know hasn't seen it. So she gets out and helps me look, even suggested I wrote a note to ask if anyone has seen this conditioner (we live w family).. The whole time won't leave my side... Talkin about she wants me to be happy and can me n her dad hurry up n get married. Even made a song up that she asked him to sing. It was a cute song.
Later were still wondering about the location of the conditioner. Her dad goes outside to call his mom in a last person on list (we have a weird love hate) cause we really don't like talkin to her .. She has no idea.
I was inside hang in up her clothes and her dad comes in n tells me that my stepdaughter (same one) have it to the great grandmother so she could have soft hair too...
And my mind was instantly blown. What kind of person big or small does this whole madness. To have given it away ..  Ask me for it... Pretend to not know... Help me look for it ... Suggest how to find it... And finally tell her dad the truth. And I am just sitting there dumbstruck... I get why she gave it to her ggma.. But why out on the show of askin me for it? Helping me look for it?

Im so mad and hurt by this. I wouldn't have been mad she gave it away, I would just got more like I did. I think there's more to it same with her dad. But why is she doin this?
As of today she has yet to even acknowledge any type of guilty reaction nor apologize.. Its as tho she don't care. So I have lost all my heart n feelings per say when I think of her. I'm so past hurt and broke my heart. She really iced the cake with this one.. Ive always looked at her as my daughter. Always. But I can't even look at her now.  I'm not mad about the conditioner, it's the dealings and actions of all around it that has me so like wow!

I don't know what to do. I don't wanna make a decision mad. But I really don't wanna be around her. Period. I cannot trust her. She has taken her manipulating tactics to a whole new level up. Read prev. Post...

Please someone somewhere tell me what we need to do. I'm lost. I'm hopeless.

[SharonLeeNW]

Alice, Sweetheart.  I know you are confused and feel invalidated, and that you are losing the battle.  But please just forgive this young child.  She is desperate for love, and specifically, love from YOU. YOU ARE HER MOTHER NOW, like it or not.  We moms forgive ALL of our childrens mistakes, and believe me, there will be many!  Your problem is that you are taking her mistake personally.  Real moms do not do this.  We do not ignore mistakes, but we lovingly correct them. At this point in time, she is obsessing on the fact that she does not have a mother.  She is extremely insecure, and is therefore trying to buy the love and approval of others.  She thought her ggma would love her more if she helped her look nice too.  This is all about trying to get love and approval. At the same time, she did NOT want you to get angry at her (lose your love) for giving away the conditioner, so she concocted an elaborate demonstration to prove to you that she was not responsible for the conditioner going missing. The women above have terrific advice for you.  Correct her using the Bible as a guide, but you also must reassure her that you unconditionally love her too!  Do not add to her pain and trauma by turning against her.  She is still only a baby!  You act as though she is a mature grown-up who is pulling a stunt.  This is not the case.  Give this girl what she desperately needs: unconditional love and understanding.  Put yourself in her shoes. In addition, recognize that bonding takes two to three years to become a secure bond.  Build up this bond, don't tear it down.  Raising children requires constant LOVING guidance and direction, so they learn to choose the right path. There will be many mistakes as children grow up, as you will learn when you too give birth to little ones.  This girl is very fortunate that she has you in her life.  Make sure she knows this is a blessing and that she is blessed because you are choosing to be her mother out of the love and goodness in your heart.  One more thing that needs to be addressed is that every time she pushes you away, it's only a TEST, to find out if you truly love her or are only faking it.  Don't be a fake. Be her loving, FORGIVING mother. Replace the image in her mind of her biomom with YOUR loving face!  Choose LOVE. With LOVE, and forgiveness, you will WIN the battle.  God bless you and your family!

[MarshaSmalls782]

She may have been seeking your attention. Two of my kids start acting out, lying, and acting awful when they feel the need for attention. But there are three kids, myself, and my significant other who works crazy hours and shifts. My first two jump back and forth between our home and their dads. Maybe in a day or two, sit down with her and ask her what happened. If she says she forgot or she was worried that you would be angry, remind her that you wouldnt have been. Then ask her if she would like to start going on girl dates. You two could go see a movie or go to breakfast or make jewelry or whatever. When we go grocery shopping or to pick up dinner, we alternate kids to take as big helpers. Usually its one adult and one kid. It helps make them feel important and spend some one-on-one time. Good luck. Dont take it personal. If she really is being vindictive, dont show her that it bothers you. I counteract if with the proper behavior. Because kids learn by example. If you show a bad example, her behavior will be out of control. Always be the best example.

[Davic74]

Wow I can't believe you truly think this 6 year old is being bad
I can't believe your reaction
For Christ sake at 6 your memory is very different than an adult
She probably doesn't remember that she gave the conditioner away
I hope you educate yourself and try to learn about the emotional state of mind this child is in right now

[GratefullAl]

I find it hard to believe you want to have such a strong opinion on this when you OBVIOUSLY DID NOT READ THE WHOLE question/entry! She states pretty clearly that kiddo told her dad that she gave it to grandma. So she was well aware it wasn't there and what happened to it etc. What is koNammm??

[GratefullAl]

The fact thst she is so afraid of being honest with stepmom; afraid enough that she even helped her look for the missing product... That is Disturbing as hell. I do agree that stepmom is over reacting but I dont believe she FORGOT she gave it to grandma considering she then told dad the entire situation! So although I understand why stepmom is so upset; I also can see where the kid may possibly becoming from and THAT is more of a concern. 6 yr olds are tough..... but this response is a bit excessive! You are very correct, I just dont think the age allows any justidication for the lying I guess. Thats all

[MR_]

I find it interesting that youre attacking someone who has nothing to do with the issue being presented,  not from any angle, rather than addressing the issue in the subject post directly, nor did this person say anything out of line. You are mirroring the subject posters response to the 6 year old, which says a great deal about YOU, and your own past.

[MR_]

That was directed to GratefulAI

I Just realized the format of the website makes it difficult to discern who you are responding directly to.

[jmsmith44]

people lie when they are afraid to tell the truth. At 6 she probably thought you would b e really upset that she gave away the conditioner and didn't know what to do.  Maybe she thought you would not love her anymore because she felt like she did a "bad thing" by giving it away and it looks like she was right. You can change your mind on this and just love her... I promise you that over the years to come you will be so happy that you were given this incredible opportunity to make a difference in this little girl's life... talk to her about telling the truth and let her know that your love for her is 100% unconditional and have it be so. Had you given birth to her, would your reaction be the same? Think about this...this is a life lesson for both of you

[Meeyameeya]

Is this for real? Kids do weird things. Its part of their lil minds growing and molding. Believe it or not that lil incident was a bonding moment which I'm  was the point. Not to doop you. Theres nothing wrong with her and in fact, her biggest fear is for you to think and say the things youre saying now. If one omittion has you running for the hills then I completely understand why she did it. As a mom you cant take things personal from a 6yr old or a 16 yr old. More importantly I think you should rethink your position in the relationship. Sounds like you have some growing up to do yourself. Things yoy say and do  or dont do can have major impacts on a childs life and future. Maybe your not ready for the responsibility. Its ok if youre not.

[RockRose]

Alice,  you are grossly overreacting.  I was waiting to get to the end of the post and to find out she had put your dog in the oven or drowned a neighbor's baby.  This is a 6 year old whose mom has rejected her,  and she's pining for her all the time.  Which is normal and healthy and connected.  That's what well children do when their moms reject them.  

I am really dismayed to read you said she was "kissing butt" when she was saying she wants you to be her real mom.  

Here's what she's going through.  At the age of 6,  children are very concerned with making sure they are safe.  They are completely dependent on adults for their food and shelter and emotional connection.  Her mother has rejected her completely, and she's trying to build a bridge so that she has you and her father to provide her needs.  That's not "kissing butt",  Alice.  

Who knows what happened with the conditioner.  My best guess is,  she know you overreact badly,  and thought you'd be mad at her if she generously gave the conditioner bottle away to her great grandmother,  so she pretended she didn't know where it was.  

If you intend to stay married to her father,  I'd very strongly suggest you take a class in parenting and child development.  Your reaction to this child is very off the mark and  is really distressing to read.

[orange26]

i agree,  she needs to take a class in parenting. You are talking about a 6 years old kid here.

[MR_]

I'm glad I'm not the only one ready to jump on this womans behavior.

I'm beginning to think this site draws in the worst of people, after seeing many screwed up confessions from parents.

[Sara_MHModerator]

Hi MR_, this is an older post but we do try to provide a safe, anonymous place where people can talk about things in their lives related to parenting and child behavior.  Some situations and things are complex and difficult. But they are someone's real life and we hope they can derive some benefit from hearing opinions of others.  

[Churtado]

Alice, your feelings are valid just as the little girls. Stepping in the role of a step parent Isnt easy. People looking in from the outside will never get it. I advise you speak out, sit her down along with dad and talk to her about lying and how it us unhealthy. Yes the child is going through some insecurity issues with mom but that doesn’t take away the fact that she lied so this could be a teaching moment foe her. The goal here is to always remember to be kind loving and nurturing even in these moments. Talk about reality and make belief so that she has an understanding of a truth and a lie. Hope all works out for you.

[Kao2281]

Is this a joke, or is this for real?! The things you said are disgusting! I have a 6 year old daughter and she would probably do the same thing. Lie or make up a story out of fear...just like any other normal person! Like you've never done the same? Kids Like attention. Good or bad. She has kinda lost her mom, she is looking to you to fill that void, and you can't even handle a small no biggie situation?! I don't think you are ready to be or call yourself a step mother. It felt like I was reading Cinderella. Her giving the conditioner to Grandma so she could have soft hair was so cute. She wants to love and be loved in return. And you saying those nasty, hateful words about an innocent 6 year old CHILD...tells a lot about you. You must be young, bc you have a lot of growing up to do. You expect a child to act grown yet you take her actions like a personal attack. So very sad. Please bring God into your life. I will be praying for you and that poor little girl stuck in the middle since you obviously see her as some sort of distraction or burden in your life. When you signed up to be with her daddy, what did you think would happen...? Hello! Time to be a role model, hunny. Time to grow up.

[Skye9911]

I thought the same. Exactly.

[pjb17413]

I just have to reiterate what has already been stated above. She is a six year old little girl, who has had to deal with some things in life that are truly sad. Your (over)reaction concerns me SO so much. She needs mature, stable, loving and consistent adults in her life that can provide a sense of security. And the threat of even more rejection can do serious damage to an already fragile child. As others have stated, she understandably seeks acceptance and love. Gifting the conditioner to her GG was one way, in her young mind, to do that. Not telling the truth was likely a means to avoid your anger and rejection. As the ADULTS in the household, it is your and her father's  job to now have calm conversation about this incident, and also provide a safe place to open up. As a mom to my two (now college age) kids, I chose to view negatives as a "learning situation". Communication being key. Lastly, and I can not stress this strongly enough...THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU!!  you need to understand this. Her actions have nothing to do with you. And this relatively minor incident should also not be taken as a big affront to you. Think of this child first. You are a big girl, out any selfish notions aside at this point. You have a fabulous opportunity here, to turn a little life around for the better.

[GommyMommy]

Beautifully said. Thank you for such kind words of advise. As an adult survivor of child abuse, I wish someone, anyone would've said that to my mum.
Children are children and can never be expected to think as adults do.
My prayers go out to this family, I hope they get the help they need. Raising a grandchild must be very challenging, but this young girl needs love, guidance and compassion.

[LynnSable]

I really hope that you read these answers! I am so sad for this little girl and worried about your reaction. You have the power here to make or break this little girls life. If your not up to dropping your pride and worrying more about her then yourself...please leave her dad and let him take care of her. You can do this. Learn from all of these comments and make it right. If you don't and you choose to stick around it will inly get worse.

[specialmom]

I don't want to pile on.  :>)  I think it is easy to get caught up in the moment and forget the big picture.  She may be a bit afraid of you. Both for punishment and rejection.  And it is true that your natural reaction to this is rejection.  I would be frustrated too to have wasted my time, energy and emotion on a search for something that the child knew exactly what had happened to it but she's very young and trying to please everyone.  Be a rock for her.  what she needs?  You to give her a big hug and say "you could have just told me.  It's okay.  I love you no matter what."  Oh my, what that would do for this little girl!  

[Katherine1014]

I honestly cannot fathom not wanting to be around a six year-old child because they lied about a shampoo bottle. The fact that this is a huge ordeal to you is questionable and quite concerning; more concerning than her actions.  What she did was obviously wrong, but your reaction is over the top. Maybe you should take some time to reflect on whether or not you have the maturity and capacity to take part in a parental role in this little girls life.

[DaveatBareOaks]

I remember a key observation you mentioned. That she stayed close to you the whole time. Was this a subconscious way that her brain caused her to try to establish a connection to your body? Subconsciously(without understanding why she was acting this way) was she 'spending time with you'? I mean 'body to body' connecting by being close to you for an extended time. She needed that 'fix' of being close to you in the effort to replace her mother with you. Just wondering.
Find activities, inside and outside. Play catch the ball...anything to spend time with her. In other words, do the opposite of your own feelings. Does this make sense?

[Quenr]

I'm sorry is this supposed to be some kind of a joke you're seriously continuing and acting like this is some horrible thing this little baby has done she probably just wanted your attention she obviously reached out to you at with the asking you to be her real mom didn't get any kind of normal response so stupid to next tactic she's sick what is wrong with you I think you're actually more of a hazard to This Little Child than anything I agree that you should probably leave her dad and stay far far away from this poor little girl

[Stepx2]

Here here. You are how old? She is six. At that age she has the decision making ability of a fish. Tell her you think that it was wonderful that she thought of her grandma. Tell her being kind to others is an important life skill. Then tell her you love her and move on. I am a step mother and get that it is often a thankless job. But it is a job so buck up and learn how to do it.

[Supernanny193]

Preach!

[AndreaMama2]

I think she did it for attention and perhaps to feel some control. Not a big deal at all especially considering the fact that her Mom is gone. She probably wants attention and to feel control. Please don't play with her emotions, if you love her, then love her unconditionally. This little thing should not be a big deal.

[Jakerpies]

yeah I mean she is six

[dashspade]

I know this is years old and nothing I say will have any bearing on this particular situation. Still, if I stumbled across and read this thread, somebody else might too, and maybe what I have to say can help them. I was ready to defend OP a bit. Sometimes in a situation like this we say things out of hurt and anger that we later regret. Especially in an anonymous forum like this. OP's second post put an end to that. Her relationship with the girl only "got better" because the girl did what she wanted and confessed and apologized. Even her comments about "piling on" show that she was only here to make herself feel better and not to learn how to mend the relationship and help the child. For whoever is reading this thread now: Before you ever become involved in any child's life, especially as a parent or step-parent, make sure that you are going to be able to make the relationship 100% about the child and not about yourself. Children are fragile and desperately need security and the knowledge that they don't have to earn love and acceptance. If you are not ready to provide that unconditionally, then you are only going to do harm in that child's life. And, since children aren't perfect and have a natural psychological need to test boundaries and test the security of adults' love and acceptance, you won't be happy either. There is no shame in deciding that parenting is not for you, but there - or perhaps should be - in insinuating yourself into a child's life with selfish motives or actions thus denying them the security and UNCONDITIONAL love and acceptance they need and deserve.  

[MR_]

I read it as her simply wanting to spend time with a mother figure. Simple as that.

And since her own mom isn't in the picture, and it's clearly weighing heavily on her mind, she may be trying to figure out how to play her cards right, so as not to lose another.

She committed no crime, she didn't even say anything that would get you or anyone else in trouble.

Your reaction to this frightens me terribly, for that little girl.

Perhaps you have some unresolved issues that need to be sorted out before you can be a good mother figure.

Maybe going to therapy with the little gurl will help both of you heal and develop a healthy relationship.
Or maybe you're just not right for her.

[meeper69]

Alice, i accidentally read over the 6 year old part but now after i read it again i found it. SHE IS SIX! your parenting sucks. you can not expect her to act like an adult, she just needs attention, not neglect. do you know why children murder their parents, Alice? this exact reason. you should treat her with affection, she is six, Alice.  

[bBarry]

Jakerpies You are going to love it when she's a teen! You have the nicest stuff to worry about,, for right now. A bottle of conditioner is a ridiculous thing to get so worked up over. You must have been an angel when you were a kid, got good grades, did everything right, certainly we know that's not true. You are shaping this kid's mind, she is going to be twisted when she grows up if you keep this kind of nonsense up. Lighten up on the 6 year old or you'll have a monster on your hands. Take some parenting classes, get some help for yourself. If money is an issue, ask a Preacher. Most churches have counselors you can talk to free of charge, call around.

[Jakerpies]

I mean  -  this is so terribly written, so I don't even know if I can answer it properly. Are you saying that she asked you for the conditioner and then her dad finally called his mom to see if she has seen it and his mother said that yes, she has it, her grand-daughter gave it to her? Did the 6 year old just forget? Was the 6 year old only wanting your attention? Either way, I can't believe you think a 6 year old would be so dubious as to angle for deception. I think you need some education on childhood psychology.

[Diane3210]

Alice, I might be a year too late but I think it's best to let go of the dad and daughter. You don't have a good relationship with his mom and you don't seem to agree on his daughter that much. I just don't think it's gonna work for both of you. You obviously have problems with his family members and it's not only about you, his side of the family will be on the receiving end as well. I'm just gonna be honest, kids these days are smart but I think this is more of your thoughts about her that makes you disagree with her. Let's be honest, not everyone's gonna get along with each other, either you own up to it or you won't have a good relationship with her. You have to think about it, it's gonna be a long run if you end up with him. I can only hope the best for you Alice, hopefully you've made the best decision for yourself and him. Xo

[LikeAlice2day]

Clearly this is why when they don't reach out to groups because all I feel it's like I've been bashed. Now that being given the relationship has much improved she did fess up to stealing whatever or misplaced in giving it away. I told her thank you for. I told her thank you for and that she did not need to go to such extremes that she should have just told me to begin with. Her mother still is not in her life I have moved back to Florida and they will be joining me here because she says quote on quote she can't do this without me so thank you for all the advice I do appreciate it truly but please know that everything is worked out for the best and our relationship is great. She had a breaking moment in February where she apologized for all the mean things that she's ever done that she doesn't mean any of it and since then we have been awesome she knows that I love her no matter what and I know that she loves me and that's why she pushes me so hard. But thank you everyone for your advice

[eeshop68]

You need to take these comments to heart... When I read your post I can see that you think this is all about you and your hurt feelings... it is not! This is about her.. A little six year old who feels abandoned and hurt.  She is trying to find some self worth and security. She wants to know that the adults in her life will not leave her like her mother did.. not matter what. Seeking unconditional love. I pray she gets it. She clearly has not gotten it so far. The fact you said you could not look at her proves that. Your love is conditional. I will love you only if you  behave in a manner I deem acceptable. The minute she does not, you withdraw your affection and turn your face from her. Giving her more of the same treatment she is used to getting. Not worthy of unconditional love. Learn how to give it.. or move on.

[here2help4u]

Alice,
You need to relax. She's six.  Children at this age do not lie with the intent to manipulate, they really have no idea what they are doing.  I too have a six-year-old stepdaughter, and the divorce of her parents is very hard on her as well, and that is why I am always so patient and understanding with her. She didn't ask for her parents to separate, and she doesn't deserve all the difficulty that comes with growing up in two completely different households. These little girls are just looking for love and attention, and are trying to cope with the separation of their parents. Children often feel guilty or as if they are betraying their biological parents if they feel love and affection towards their stepparents. The poor girl probably just pretended that she did not know where the conditioner was so that she could spend time with you, and not feel guilty about it. It seems like she is desperately looking to fill a void that has been left by her biological mother. Just be there for her, and shower her with love and kindness. Do not place expectations on her, and she will grow to love you, respect you, and trust you. Also, remember that as a responsible adult, you are expected to be the BIGGER PERSON. Leave the discipline and parenting to her dad.

[Supernanny193]

She's 6... I don't understand how a 6 year old lying about conditioner could cause you to not be able to look at her.  That seriously makes me question your capability of parenting.
She's a child simply trying to get her needs met.  Maybe she was afraid you would be mad.  Maybe she doesn't like you because she is afraid her daddy will love you more than her.   Kids don't know how to get their needs met.  They don't know how to express their needs.  Hell,  half the time they themselves don't even know what they want/ need.  It is their caregivers job to teach kids these things.  You cannot get your emotions so wrapped up in the small things.  Try to ask yourself what you think she's communicating.  What she's feeling, what she needs.  When humans are hurting sometimes that hurt comes out sideways.  That goes for kids too.

[Nickname2212]

This is the saddest thing I’ve ever read. You probably should save her the extra pain and stay out of her life