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Avatar universal

Looking for people in the same boat

I posted here over 2 years ago. Isn’t
That sad so much time has passed?
Somehow things have gotten way worse. My spouse lost his job in the summer. Went to in patient rehab but s
Came out and that’s when he lost his job (a month in). He has spiraled our od control since. He was doing well and found a new job but now some bad choices have come back to haunt hi. And he’s being charged. As a result he cannot stay sober. I feel like it’s such a mind game. I’ve read books. Done research. Gone to therapy sessions but I am still here enabling him. I used to think I’m doing right by the kids because he’s high functioning and when he is sober he is great but he cannot keep it together for more than a couple days. When he’s drunk (and it’s the oddest thing-he only needs a couple beers to be total flip personality and crazy. He’s so hateful and inappropriate and quite frankly a complete moron when drinking but when sober he seems happy and wants to be better etc. I can not determine which persona is real. I feel like the past three years have been a nightmare. Now I’m waiting to see if he goes to jail or what his outcome will be. Almost like I’ve hung on this long so why not a few more months to see how his all pans out. Which is dumb because I don’t believe people really change so why am I waiting around?! Like going back to rehab or gong to jail is somehow going to straighten him or.

It’s horrific too because he is high functioning. We are involved in our community. Sports. Schools. And somehow I’ve managed to have children with someone who may very well be going to jail. I cannot wrap my head around there I am.
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Avatar universal
You need to go to Al-Anon because you will see others who live like you and perhaps that will change your thinking.
You don't seem to accept that he is a drunk and always will be, because although you speak disparagingly of him in some sentences, in others you say you are hanging around to see what happens. it doesn't matter how much you don't like the situation, the fact remains that he is not going to change because he can't, and Al-Anon will help you realize that.
Helpful - 0
4 Comments
Hi,

   Thanks for the reply and sorry for the typos in my first post. I just re read it and it’s riddled with errors.

Yes-I hear what you are saying. Some days I feel no one truly changes but after he came out of rehab he was changed. Also some people do go on to live sober lives.

Regardless that is neither here nor there. I feel differently based on the day and I know I would not be around if it were not for our children and I know people are quick to say more damage is being done to the children if I stay BUT they love their daddy. They cry if he nails out of plans or goes MIA and they would be heart broken if they no longer lived with him. I’m also worried because although I am confident I would get full custody they are still entitled to see their dad and I don’t trust him to not drink or not drink so therefore I feel there is no world that exists that has me not with them for a wkd while they visit him. I almost feel like if I stay i have more control over the situation.
You have never have any control. That is the first step that you will learn in Al Anon. It is the best place to get and discuss info if you want to make a decision.
You will never have any control.
The alcoholic basically demands to be the center of attention because he creates so many problems for everyone else, and is too selfish to stop drinking.  Lots of people stick it out with a drunken partner for multi decades thinking if he would only stop then things would be better, but when the odd alky dries up, the spouse often discovers that she has no interest in him sober and it was just the drama that the alky created with his problems that kept her preoccupied so much that she didn't realize how little interest she had in him.
Seek help at Al Anon - it is free and there are no obligations to continue going.

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