Hello,
I'm a 30 year old guy from the north east of England and am new to this site.
I need some honest opinions from people as I'm feeling incredibly bad about myself.
I suffer with Pure OCD and get intrusive thoughts pretty often, they are pretty upsetting sometimes but I know that they don't represent who I am or define me as a person so I try and ignore them.
Something is strongly and really bothering me though and I can't stop thinking/obsessing over it, it's making me thinknow I'm a horrible person, a disgusting person and a person that should be punished.
The thing that's bothering me is something from when I was a kid.
I was 12, 13 or 14 (can't remember how old if I'm being honest but I don't think it was older than 14) and I had seen my brother (older) watching pornography, masturbating over a porn film (naturally I can't remember I'm the slightest what he was watching) and being generally very forward with sexuality and things concerning it. He had his fetish of women dominating men by sitting on their faces and passing gas, humiliating them and generally dominating them.
I remember (and I don't know how it started) me and my younger sister doing that (she is 4 years younger than me), I can't remember if I asked her (I probably did) but I remember she'd sit on my head, pass gas and I'd kiss her bare buttocks and push my face into her bottom (kind of like butt worship). To be honest as well as being devastated and anxious that I maybe sexually abused my sister I'm also embarrassed as I would never be happy with somebody whether a girl or boy passing gas in my face now (I'm pretty well mannered and don't like obvious flatulence). I didn't at all touch her vagina or ask her to touch my penis but I'm really concerned and it's tearing me up (has been for years).
Another aspect of this story is how me and my sister pretended to be boyfriend and girlfriend. We kissed eachother on the lips, she lied on top of me and I put my hands on her bottom and (not 100% sure) I might have put my hands on her breasts but I didn't have any kind of sex with her, didn't touch her vagina or she didn't touch my penis.
Without sounding like I'm preaching I'm honestly not attracted to my sister or kids for that matter, I never will be but I'm honestly really torn up over this.
I contacted my sister over it and she said "don't be daft, kids do daft things and I can't even remember it" but then I questioned if she was just saying that (could be the ocd).
Sorry if it's long winded but I need some answers, honest answers.
I would never grope a kid or do anything else with a kid for that matter but I'm honest seriously concerned about it.
Thanks very much guys,
Simon